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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents - I just dont really enjoy spending time with them

192 replies

peaceout · 13/05/2017 16:59

and yet they just carry on inviting themselves over to see me.

I'm a very quiet unsociable person, I choose to spend nearly all my time alone, but they seem to feel entitled to my time and energy and I resent it.

I'm not looking for a solution, just offloading and wondering if I'm alone in feeling like this?
(I know I'll be flamed for being unkind/ungrateful etc )

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 13/05/2017 17:31

Why do you feel so anxious about your parents visiting? Did you have an unpleasant childhood?

I sympathise if you do suffer from anxiety, but have you tried to address it?

What sort of relationship do you have with your children, and what sort of relationship do they have with your parents?

It all sounds rather difficult and rather like hard work.

biginjapan · 13/05/2017 17:31

Peachy - read the rest of my posts. I have reasons for asking those questions and my posts have been no worse than anyone else's. But by all means jump on the bandwagon Hmm

biginjapan · 13/05/2017 17:32

Peaceout, that makes more sense then. That level of perceived demand/proximity would be extremely stressful for my family members too.

GloriaV · 13/05/2017 17:37

Can you change the visit so you are doing something you want to do such as go with them to an art gallery/ restaurant / walk along the beach etc

drinkingtea · 13/05/2017 17:37

Lots of people find their parents visiting stressful - some feel judged about their housework or catering, or their parents pick at them for their life choices, or friends, or its hard to entertain them and the parents bicker with one another or express dissatisfaction with anything not identical to their own home/ routine/ set up, or they spread their belongings everywhere and turn the daytime TV/ soaps on loud and won't go to bed, or they sit indoors with nothing to say not wanting to do anything or go anywhere and time expands exponentially...

Not everyone is besties with their parents even if they weren't abusive. It's not unreasonable not to especially enjoy the visits or even to get stressed about them if you know its going to be hard not to argue etc.

It's only unreasonable to stop them visiting altogether, not unreasonable not to enjoy them.

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 17:39

I think I'm more extremely introverted than on the spectrum.

I do realise I sound VVU and I'm not surprised at the criticism, I think I'm trying to work out why I find my own family expecting to spend time with me to be so very stressful.

OP posts:
deckoff · 13/05/2017 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2017 17:40

I see you think you may be on the spectrum. As an NT person, this wouldn't be much to deal with for me. You don't even have to put them up, which is bliss in itself. Is there some kind of back story? Childhood issues?

drinkingtea · 13/05/2017 17:41

You going to them might be easier because then you can decide when to leave and will be in control. Ideally stay in a hotel and meet them at a gallery/ museum/ go for dinner and theatre or something, then you can leave without causing offence after the agreed outing.

Giddyaunt18 · 13/05/2017 17:44

Did you have a bad childhood?

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 17:45

I'm not taking the criticism personally, I know I may sound very selfish.

Yes there were issues from childhood, but also I feel that for me being a parent was very difficult and very stressful, I know it is for everyone but as an introvert I feel as if I have nothing left to give anyone now that my children are grown up

I really really resent anyone making any demands whatso ever on me

OP posts:
Giddyaunt18 · 13/05/2017 17:45

Maybe arrange to meet them on neutral territory? Then you can decide when to leave.

deckoff · 13/05/2017 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 17:46

I think that if you believe yourself to have autistic traits then that's definitely a factor

So finding a way to see them that gives you some control and doesn't overwhelm is important

I think many many of us find being with parents at least a bit stressful/irritating (mine bicker constantly), but there's a foundation of love that makes it worth it.

I am wondering whether you feel that, or actually whether there's a foundation of anger about your childhood that's interfering. How did they treat you when you were a child/teenager?

Also, how are they with your children? I find that I love my mum more because she's a brilliant grandmother, and I see that she must have been a good mum, even though there were times it was difficult between us.

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 17:47

X post with you, OP

Dumdedumdedum · 13/05/2017 17:47

Oh, lord, peaceout - I used to be you, though more specifically about my mother after my father died. But I am not an anti-social person, just my mother annoyed me intensely and spending longer than a couple of hours with her would drive me to drink. Circumstances were such that I would have to spend quite long periods of time with her, usually in the same house. I have a lovely husband who is much kinder than I am, so that I don't think my mother realised how much of a burden I found her. She died a few years ago, with vascular dementia, and I now wish I had found it in myself to be kinder to her during her last years on earth. There are still days I wake up crying knowing how emotionally cruel I was to her. If my own child were to feel that way about me when I hit old age (almost there), I would be extremely hurt and feel I was a complete failure. How do you feel as a parent yourself?

PeachyPip · 13/05/2017 17:47

BigInJapan
Peachy - read the rest of my posts. I have reasons for asking those questions and my posts have been no worse than anyone else's. But by all means jump on the bandwagon

I did read the rest of your posts and your 'apology' but your original post still stands out as being extremely rude. Telling someone they sound 'very very cold' is unkind. I'd suggest you try and be a little more tactful in future.

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 17:49

Op seems to be taking it on the chin and genuinely want to understand Smile

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 17:49

Maybe arrange to meet them on neutral territory? Then you can decide when to leave
I do, but I still struggle and want to back out/put them off, I cant work out why I dread it so much and I wonder if I'm just selfish or is it really harder for me than it is for other people?

OP posts:
TheGoodWife16 · 13/05/2017 17:49

I'm exactly the same OP. I won't go into detail but I totally understand and you're not alone.

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 17:50

How old are they?

Do you think it's hard facing their old age and worrying about how much more you'll "have" to be involved?

Sorry for all the questions!

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 17:53

BigInJapan it's ok, I know I sound cold, maybe I am?

With my own kids I am quite careful not to impose myself, I try to be supportive and there in the back ground as a safety net if they need me. I want them to go out and live not feel beholden to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 17:55

Mid 70's NotYoda and yes I do worry about the future, I guess everyone does

OP posts:
Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 17:56

I totally understand and you're not alone
Thanks Goodwife, it helps to know that, and just generally to offload and hear other peoples thoughts and experiencesFlowers

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 13/05/2017 17:57

What kind of relationship do you have with your children?