To think this person was rude?

[youcometomyhouse]

Someone DH works with showed up unexpectedly at our house at dinner time. We ignored the door because we weren't expecting anyone but he knocked repeatedly over a 15 minute period. When we still didn't answer he walked around to the back door. DH invited him in despite the fact it was dinner time!

He only wanted a cup of tea and a chat with DH, nothing important.

AIBU to think this is rude?

A total shot in the dark but maybe he has some kind of ASD-related condition that affects the ability to pick up on social queues?

Why is it that every single post about bad behavior ends up with "maybe they have some ASD related condition"

People with ASD tend to try HARDER to learn social conventions, because we are PAINFULLY aware of our shortcomings in that area. (Tend to. I am aware that there are no absolutes.)

Not all rudeness is down to a "condition". Sometimes people are just rude/oblivious/self-centered/twats.

Not all people on the spectrum are rude.

As I said, shot in the dark. I never said they DID.... Jesus! It is something SOME people with ASD or ASP MIGHT do.....

Calm down!

Faith sounds perfectly calm, how is her explaining how the old roll our asd at the slightest sign of rudenss can often be inaccurate and ridiculous off such little information something that needs a "Jesus" "calm down" maybe take your own advice

Maybe your DH told him he'd be in for a chat if needed?

I think its strange you didnt answer the door. Quick sorry having dinner come back later or having dinner but come in for a cup of tea. I dont know anyone who doesnt answer the door in rl. Its a mn thing. 15 mims of knocking very rude through

Who knocks on your door for 15 minutes? I knock once or twice, wait a minute and then if no response I assume the person is out, doesn't want to answer or indisposed (shower, toilet, napping etc) and I leave. Knocking for 15 minutes is plain rude. My house is my private space, you don't come in unless you're invited and you certainly don't demand to be let in. YANBU.

It is something SOME people with ASD or ASP MIGHT do.....

It is something FAR MORE people with nothing wrong with them except self-centeredness and a sense of entitlement MIGHT do.

But instead of focusing on what it more than likely is, there's at least one or two people on every thread piping up with "It could be ASD".

As a person who is on the spectrum, I actually find it really offensive to have that facet of my identity trotted out every time someone wants to explain away bad behavior.

And for the record, I am calm. I haven't blasphemed, or cursed, or exclamation-pointed at anyone. I have to remain calm, or I run the risk of having my lack of chill blamed on my ASD as well.

You were very rude to not answer the door. He probably knew you were at home and presumed you wouldn't be so rude as to answer the door and that you just couldn't hear him knocking, hence walking around the back.

Turn it around.

Given the fact that he knew they were home, and given the fact that he had been told previously not to call/come around at this time, HE was very rude to a) show up at all, and b) persist when OP and her family opted not to answer the door.

It is not rude to expect and/or to enforce boundaries around your own home.

Having read the OP's later post, I think he wanted/expected a free meal.

He tried it on last week, and after having been told it's a bad time, he still tried it again?

.How dare he? How dare he?

I hope your dh tells him in no uncertain terms to never ever ever do that again

Your OH needs to stop being such a wet lettuce and tell him, 'Please don't call at our house without arranging it first. We don't answer the door if we're doing something.' He should have told him, 'This isn't a good time, we're having dinner,' and not let him in in the first place.

How on earth can it be considered rude to choose not to answer your own front door to an unexpected, uninvited visitor?

Our house is like Clapham Junction, most days. Constant stream of people coming in and out. There are times when I want to literally scream at people "STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE - THE DOOR IS NOT GOING TO BE OPENED WITHOUT PRIOR APPOINTMENT"

I don't do it, but boy, oh boy, do I feel like it. Does no-one realise that sometimes, just sometimes, you just want some time to yourself? Why is that difficult to imagine?

I never call in at someone's house without a pre-arranged agreement (emergency notwithstanding).

Years ago, before the advent of any kind of telephone at all, it was normal. Of course. Nowadays, there is absolutely no excuse, whatsoever, for people popping in. We have friends who rock up saying "Oh, we know you don't like popper-inners, but it's only us" - - -

IT IS NOT OKAY TO DO THIS.

My home is my safe place, and I need a safe place to be, sometimes, I really do. I sometimes feel suicidal, and just want to shut myself in my own home, to recharge my batteries, and not open the door, if I don't want to. People turning up on spec does not help . . . at all . . . EVER. It makes things worse, so much worse.

"...popper inners are wankers..."

Not necessarily, IMO. If you know the person you are popping in on likes popper inners, then popping in is fine - not wankerish at all.

Popping in when you know someone spdoesnt like poppers-in, or where you don't know if they like them (and it isn't an emergency) is wankerish.

Knocking for 15 minutes, when all you want is a chat, and not taking the hint when no-one answers - wankerish in the extreme.

Yep, what SDTG said. Fine, if you know it's acceptable, but not fine if someone doesn't like it. If someone turns up at the door and it's not fine to invite them in, that's surely more awkward than if they had called ahead and made another arrangement. PIL turned up once when DC were very young. We were literally on our way out of the front door, coats and shoes on, car keys in hand. I said (stating the obvious) "Oh, sorry, we're just on our way out, you should have called".

Their answer was (as they brushed past us into the hallway "That's okay, we won't stay long".

Why the hell did your dp let him in?
Why didnt you just say 'sorry you were told this isnt a good time, call first next time. We are sitting down to family dinner, bye' If your dh cant stand up for you then you need to do it for yourself and your family.

You are in your pjs, are tired, have got kids to sort out and just about to sit down for dinner and your dh lets him in? Nope tell him to grow a backbone and stick by the agreement, no visitors at your stated times.

When people knock on my door unexpectedly I'm not obliged to answer. But I always do out of idle curiosity.

Usually they are people who've got the wrong door, Hermes men with parcels for the neighbours, Jehovah's Witnesses. They are no problem.

The most recent unexpected caller was my brother who couldn't raise me on my landline for days, had forgotten my mobile and was worried that I was dead - I have a serious illness - so had driven 25 miles and sat outside for over two hours for me to come home from work. He said if I hadn't turned up by 7.30pm he was going to call the police to break in.

Perhaps I should have ignored him because he hadn't made an appointment. Instead, I made him dinner.

limitedperiodonly
But that's not the same situation as OP at all, a very different set of circumstances.

limited you welcome visitors into your home - your mother, brother, random delivery person can knock and you are fine with that - so not sure why you are comparing your situation to those who don't like people knocking the door.

How about this:

1 If you love popper inners then answer the door whenever it goes - no hassle

2 if you hate popper inners then people should respect that and NOT visit randomly. My time isn't less important than the person who has decided to descend on me. And in these days of mobiles

The best thing about mobiles is that if someone rings you and says they are coming round, you can say you aren't there

Livia then maybe you should put up a sign telling people to stay away unless they have made a prior appointment. Have you done that?

No because I don't have to - like I have explained, anyone who I would want to spend time with knows better than to drop in unannounced and I have no desire to engage with anyone else.

If it was the police or something important, it would be pretty obvious but my time is as important than the person who is visiting - why should I welcome them when I don't want them to drop in in the first place? It was different before mobiles etc, but if you know someone who doesn't want random visits, it's good to respect that.

There are many arguments about who was rude, etc, but I'm dying to know what his response was when he realised you were home but ignoring him! Wasn't he mortified? Embarrassed?

why on earth did he come in? And stay? Has he no self respect?

This whole thread is faintly depressing, even though I have to admit I probably would have done the same as the OP in the circumstances...

Back in the 80s, before mobile phones, me and my DP would have two or three popper-inners
most weekday evenings - it's just what you did. They would turn up with wine etc and just pass the time before leaving to pop in on someone else.

It's sad how mobile communication has put a complete stop to what was a quite lovely and unexpected tradition. It's making us all go sort of underground.

Kay But to flip it, you can be in contact with people 24/7 all over the world - you just don't need to invade other people's space to do that.