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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this person was rude?

169 replies

youcometomyhouse · 13/05/2017 16:30

Someone DH works with showed up unexpectedly at our house at dinner time. We ignored the door because we weren't expecting anyone but he knocked repeatedly over a 15 minute period. When we still didn't answer he walked around to the back door. DH invited him in despite the fact it was dinner time!

He only wanted a cup of tea and a chat with DH, nothing important.

AIBU to think this is rude?

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 13/05/2017 21:48

Why would I be taking it personally Livia? I'd just knock on your door and go away.

If the place started to smell after a few weeks I might call the cops. Then when reporters came round I'd be one of those people who said: 'She kept herself to herself.'

Giraffey1 · 13/05/2017 21:54

I do think it is a bit odd you didn't answer the door. What if it had been important? I don't think it was necessarily rude - there's no law that states you have to as swear the door to callers - but surely you could have answered the door and explained politely it wasn't convenient.? Your H could have called him later for a chat if his colleague was that desperate for a chest. But the colleague was extremely rude to go round to your back door. I find that pretty shocking. Your H should have put his foot down!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/05/2017 21:56

I think my employers would notice if I didn't turn up for work Grin

Tbf a friend just turned up (even in extreme circumstances people can phone), I would assime they cba to respect my wishes, so they were a bit of a knob. To paraphrase a MN staple, knocking on the door is a request for the inhabitant to open, not an order.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/05/2017 21:57

Everyone who knows me knows I'm practically surgically attached to my mobile so they can phone or message me

Taylia · 13/05/2017 22:07

Dumdedumdedum Grin

nuttyknitter · 13/05/2017 22:38

Who on earth doesn't answer the door?! Bizarre behaviour.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/05/2017 22:41

If you read the whole thread, you can save yourself the time involved in wondering Smile

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/05/2017 22:44

Short answer / people who don't want to be disturbed

Naicehamshop · 13/05/2017 22:48

Why is it "pathetic and old-fashioned" to answer the door DeadGood? Confused

I swear people on here get weirder and weirder.

user24688 · 13/05/2017 22:50

I know the feeling to this post very well to the pint I could of wrote it for word.... extremely rude

user1493759849 · 13/05/2017 23:07

@seminormal

YANBU - popper inners are wankers, I hold the same distain for them as I do for twits who piss about in supermarket aisles with their trolleys blocking the path for everyone else.

This ^

I am pissed off with people saying it's rude to not answer the door. WTF??!

It's much ruder to turn up at someone's house and expect them to drop EVERYthing they are doing, and let you in and entertain you.

We know a couple who used to 'pop in' who live not far from us. DH would have just got in from work, I would be in the middle of preparing lunch or dinner, or we would be in the middle of watching a film, or getting ready to go out, and they would 'pop around' and say 'we won't stay long.'

An hour later, the fuckers were still here. Angry

We started to not answer the door and they would come around to the back windows. (Access to our back was very easy then.)

I mean FFS, we could have been shagging. Hmm

What we did the last few times they did it was grab a coat and say we were going out, and when they said 'we won't stay long,' we would block the doorway and say 'we are leaving actually now,' and would not let them in. They were not happy, and after 2 times of doing it, they never came again. RESULT! Grin

It's such an entitled to attitude to assume people should just let you in when you turn up. Do you think people should just drop everything to accommodate you? How rude!

It was probably more accepted when there was a lot less stress on people, and women didn't work and were at home all day. But it's not like that for many. I work hard, and so does my DH, and we don't want people we have not invited just turning up, and staying for fucking hours! (Close and immediate family excepted of course!!!)

Whereismumhiding2 · 14/05/2017 00:57

OP YANBU and he was very rude & disrespectful.
He's not family worrying about you as you haven't been seen/in contact as usual (ie indicating an accident). PP's suggestions of this aren't related to reason s/he was there!

It was not a work or neighbour emergency (such as your OH had the only keys to an alarm system going off). Which one would assume he'd ring/text for anyway or you'd have answered door if you'd recognised that as possibly being situation.

I'd be mightily peed off at this too. Tbh I'd have answered door "gosh why are you here- is there an emergency?... Oh there isn't, then why are you banging our door? Please talk to OH at work as it's not a good time and no you can't come in, we are midst dinner and busy with DC"

You have right OP not to have uninvited visitors insist on intruding into your time off at home as a family, this is not in work time. *Without invite" is the key!

I can see your OH felt embarrassed & gave in as this colleague was so insistent.
But OH now needs to have a word at work with that colleague - that it is not ok to turn up unannounced again except for emergencies and he should ring in that case first.

It was phenomenally harrassing for colleague to knock that long, and THEN to go to your back door, just because he/she fancied an out of work coffee and chat! They can text and ask your OH for a cuppa, but that gives OH time to say no, not tonight or even 'not now, we're having tea, is it important?'. It's a shame you don't have a gate you can lock so people can't get round the back!! What if you'd been ironing or hoovering in your undies ..? Midst of labour? Veeting your legs? Or DTD on the kitchen counter (as DC were at grandparents) ?!! That's your private space and your own time.

That ought be a HR report job for your OH if s/he does it again, after being asked not to. Some people have no boundaries- you didn't answer the door so it was clear you had reasons if you were in, not to.

I hope this isn't the start of them thinking they can turn up anytime without invite!

Whereismumhiding2 · 14/05/2017 01:07

Ps. I know your DC weren't at GPS so you could have some loving Grin, nor were you doing any of those things, but colleague didn't. And eating dinner (that you've slaved over/or even just put in oven and dished up ) together in peace as a family is equally important

Whereismumhiding2 · 14/05/2017 01:09

I agree with user149...

Neverknowing · 14/05/2017 01:13

There must be more to the story than this? Who walks around to the back of someone's house after clearly being ignored? So weird. There must be something going on with him, surely he'd cop on by now.

faithinthesound · 14/05/2017 01:16

In my home, the home that I pay for, the home that is mine, I expect to be in control of what happens. I decide who comes over. I decide who is allowed inside. I decide how long they can stay, if they can stay at all, and I decide when they leave. (Inasmuch as, "it's time for you to go now", as opposed to "no, you can't leave yet, I'm not finished with you" lol. I'm not into kidnapping!!)

It is not rude, selfish, or entitled of me to expect this in my home.

Now consider this.

Imagine that I decide I fancy paying a call on LiviaDrusillaAugusta. I rock up to her doorstep, and I pound on the door for fifteen minutes at a stretch without her answering. Then, despite this lack of response, I have myself a wander around her property, peering in windows in the hopes of spotting her. If/when I spot her, I leverage that sighting into a forced invitation inside for a cup of tea.

In this scenario, my behavior would not be reasonable in the slightest. And frankly, I would not be at all surprised if she called the police and reported a stalker/prowler/intruder.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta (and I'm sorry to use you as an example here!!) has the exact same right that I have, to decide what happens in her own home. Just like the OP should. That guy, her DH's work colleage, he too gets to decide what happens in HIS home. But he doesn't get to decide about anywhere else. He certainly does not have some inalienable right to rock on up to OP's house and hammer on the door until she lets him in.

The point is, if you want to let people into your home at all hours, if you like visitors, if you don't mind popper-inners, if your kettle is always on and your home is always presentable... well, more power to you. You can, and should, do exactly what you want. In your home, that you pay for, and you have control over.

But don't you dare tell me, or anyone else, that we're somehow "rude" for exercising the exact same right over our homes that you are - and wanting something different.

Ceto · 14/05/2017 01:23

Of course it isn't rude not to answer the door - how bizarre to think it could be. Just because you choose to rock up at someone's house and knock on the door does not create a right to expect that person to stop what they are doing and come and talk to you irrespective of whether they want to.

OP, I hope your DH is going to have a word with this man that this is not to be repeated? Surely there is nothing they talked about that couldn't have waited till Monday or been dealt with by phone?

requestingsunshine · 14/05/2017 01:24

My friend was attacked recently, managed to get away and ran to the nearest house and banged on their door. They answered and let her in. Thank god she didn't go to any of the houses of some of you lot. If someone knocks on my door I answer it to see who it is Hmm like a fucking normal person.

Ceto · 14/05/2017 01:50

Requesting, you seriously cannot intend to suggest that we must all live our lives in such a way that we will always be there in case someone comes banging on our doors needing shelter?

How far do you take this invented rule about always answering the door? Do we have to do it if -

  • we're in the bath?
  • we're in the middle of bathing young children?
  • we're naked?
  • we're asleep?
  • we're having sex?
  • we have a migraine?
  • we have an infectious illness?
  • we've injured a foot badly and have difficulty walking?
  • we're in the middle of a mucky or difficult job that can't easily be left?
  • we're working from home and have an urgent deadline?
  • we're in the middle of an important phone call?
  • we're dealing with a family member who's just had an accident or been sick?
  • we're upset and crying for any reason?
  • we can see it's someone we absolutely don't want to talk to and have asked not to come round?

Assuming (I hope) that the answer to all of those is no, how can you measure the situation objectively? If we're going to have a rule that it's rude not to answer the door, the problem is that the person on the doorstep has no idea of the reason you're not answering. But in this new world where this rule operates, he has to assume you're being rude.

Fortunately, however, we don't have that rule: anyone with any sense who bangs on someone's door without warning and doesn't get a reply, even when it looks like they're in, concludes that they're probably in the bath or something and accepts that that's the risk you take when you turn up without warning. And no-one thinks the householder is being rude.

requestingsunshine · 14/05/2017 01:55

Well of course you wouldn't answer the door if you couldn't answer the door Hmm

But the op just didn't want to answer the door because 'they weren't expecting anyone' Confused

I would assume in this particular scenario this guy knew/could hear they were in and perhaps assumed they must not have heard him knocking so went round the back. Because normal people answer their doors.

requestingsunshine · 14/05/2017 01:57

And I never said it was rude not to answer the door. Just bloody weird.

faithinthesound · 14/05/2017 02:08

It's not weird not to answer the door. It's weird to expect people to be at your beck and call 24/7, despite their own lives, wishes, and desires, "in case" you decide to pop round.

While there are OBVIOUS exceptions in case of actual genuine emergency, the case in the OP was clearly, obviously, and explicitly stated not to be an emergency. It wasn't even anything important.

I'm sorry for your friend's troubles, but I've read enough of these types of threads on MN to know that for every case like your friend, there's at least a dozen cases of people deciding to pop round. Without prior arrangement. Without calling first. Without so much as a "hey, are you busy" text message. And getting the hump when people aren't in, or are in but aren't in a position/temperament to accept visitors. And I haven't even been on MN all that very long - so it's pretty telling that I have already seen so much of this.

There are people who like to be popped in on. There are people who don't. Neither type of people are rude, or weird. What's rude and/or weird is pushing your OWN wants, desires, preferences, values on someone else.

There are emergencies, and I genuinely hope that in actual emergencies the people who need help, get help. But I'm not going to answer my door to every Tom, Dick and Harry on the off-chance - because emergencies are the outliers, and rude, self-centered popper-inners are far more common, and I have the right to peace and solitude in my home.

requestingsunshine · 14/05/2017 02:29

If a friend popped round unannounced and it wasn't convenient I'd just say to them, at the door, lovely to see you but sorry i can't invite you in as I'm really busy/it's not convenient / whatever. I'll call you later'
I wouldn't just ignore them Confused

If a stranger was at the door and they were selling something or doing surveys or something equally uninteresting I'd just say no thanks and carry on with my day.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/05/2017 02:50

requestingsunshine - I would imagine that your friend would have also been shouting "Help, please help" or something similar, not just politely tapping on the door in the hope that someone would answer. And if they didn't answer straight away she would have indeed called out.

I wouldn't refuse to open the door to someone doing that, but having said that there have been home attacks that have started off by someone pretending to be attacked, so I'd always open the door with the chain on first.

faithinthesound · 14/05/2017 02:52

ThumbWitchesAbroad
Yes, exactly this!!! Ever read/seen A Clockwork Orange? That is the EXACT ruse they use to get into the writer's house... before they burst in en masse, beat him so badly he's left a paraplegic, and gang rape his wife. So.