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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this person was rude?

169 replies

youcometomyhouse · 13/05/2017 16:30

Someone DH works with showed up unexpectedly at our house at dinner time. We ignored the door because we weren't expecting anyone but he knocked repeatedly over a 15 minute period. When we still didn't answer he walked around to the back door. DH invited him in despite the fact it was dinner time!

He only wanted a cup of tea and a chat with DH, nothing important.

AIBU to think this is rude?

OP posts:

QueenArseClangers · 13/05/2017 17:13

Did he not ring DH's phone?

gabsdot · 13/05/2017 17:15

I think it's rude to not answer the door. You could have answered after the first knock and told him to come back later.
Then he wouldn't have wasted his time and disturbed you anyway. He must think you're total weirdos.

witsender · 13/05/2017 17:15

Why is it rude not to answer the door? They're requesting entry, they can't demand it. It's my house and my door, if I don't want to answer the door I won't. Likewise with the phone.

He really should have taken the hint...going round the back is just nuts.

Dumdedumdedum · 13/05/2017 17:16

Taylia is my people

melj1213 · 13/05/2017 17:17

On what universe is it not rude to say that to someone?!

I think it's far ruder to totally ignore the door when you are clearly in than to pop to the door and say "Sorry, now's not a good time for visitors". The first you are clearly ignoring someone (and how did they know there wasn't an emergency? If someone was hammering on my door for 15 minutes I'd assume it was for a good reason and I'd want to check) the other you are acknowledging them but letting them know you are busy, which was a risk they took to come unannounced.

There have been plenty of times when I've clearly been in but in the middle of something - whether that's painting the bathroom, sorting out my DDs black hole of toys bedroom, eating dinner or just enjoying the peace and quiet of DD being at her dad's - and someone has dropped round on the off chance, just to say hi. Everyone in my circle of friends does it so nobody would at all be insulted if you answer the door and say "So lovely to see you but I'm in the middle of something so now's not a good time. Text you later? Ok, bye!". If, however, you ignored them knocking for 15 minutes they would either think you were very rude or that you were lying passed out on the kitchen floor, as the only reason you wouldn't come to the door would be because you couldn't

ChasedByBees · 13/05/2017 17:17

You got the worst of both worlds by not being assertive there!

You should have just answered the door and said it wasn't a good time. As it was, you had the annoyance of ignoring 15 mins of knocking and then he was let in anyway.

sadsquid · 13/05/2017 17:18

I hate armchair diagnosis and am in no way saying this is exactly what's going on in this case, but it sounds like something my Aspie friend would do. He'd think 'oh, they haven't heard, I'll go round the back and check' and then when he discovered you were in, be pleased that you could all have a cup of tea together after all. He would never understand that you didn't want the company unless you explicitly said so. Some people don't.

I also have a (NT) popper-in in my social circle and my tactic is to answer the door to her, chat for thirty seconds and then say 'So sorry I can't invite you in, we're in the middle of something!' Once I did that a few times in a row she seemed to figure out that I'm not someone who likes spontaneous visits. I'm not quite blunt enough to say 'I really don't want to spend time with you now' but I make it clear enough to get rid of her, we all just about save face, and I get uninterrupted hermit time.

SemiNormal · 13/05/2017 17:19

YANBU - popper inners are wankers, I hold the same distain for them as I do for twits who piss about in supermarket aisles with their trolleys blocking the path for everyone else.

Next time someone knocks pop on your coat. If it's someone you want to see explain you've just got in and welcome them in. If it's someone you don't want to see then explain you were just popping somewhere actually but will catch up with them another time. Dickheads.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/05/2017 17:19

Unbelievably rude! The knocking at the door for 15 mins in itself is rude -

take the message for goodness' sake and bugger off - but to actually go round to the back door and insist on coming in just beggars belief!!

Unless something very unpleasant had just happened to him and he was in desperate need of an ear to listen to him and someone to calm him down, in which case desperate times call for desperate measures - but if nothing like that, then RUDE.

Shockers · 13/05/2017 17:21

What if it had been an emergency?

deloresclaiborne · 13/05/2017 17:22

if someone was knocking my door for 15 minutes i would think there had been an accident or some kind of emergency so i would of answered out of curiousity
and then said dh was out

dailystuck71 · 13/05/2017 17:22

You were also rude for not answering the door.

deloresclaiborne · 13/05/2017 17:22

great minds shockers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/05/2017 17:26

TBH, I would probably have answered the door anyway, even if not expecting anyone (except here, it's mostly DH's arsehole brother, so I would have ignored it because he starts shouting after the first knock goes unanswered), just in case it was an emergency - but I don't like popper-inners either, and would expect anyone who knew me to ring first.

witsender · 13/05/2017 17:27

In an emergency wouldn't you try phoning or shouting as well?

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2017 17:28

It kind of seems as though some people are sort of desperate for company.

Some people are...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/05/2017 17:33

Knocking for 15 minutes. Going around the back of the house. I've heard of not taking no for an answer but That more than takes the piss.
, I think its well past the realms of rudeness That's borderline on stalkerism.
If people don't answer the door. They're either not in or they can't be bothered with you.

SunsetBeetch · 13/05/2017 17:33

That's just bloody weird

YANBU.

guiltynetter · 13/05/2017 17:34

yabu for not answering

SemiNormal · 13/05/2017 17:36

Also for those saying they were rude for not answering the door as opposed to popper inner being the rude one, what if they were mid-shag? what if they were mid-shag in the kitchen when popper inner waltzes around the back? what if one was out the other in the bath? knocking for 15 minutes is demanding they be seen/heard. Going around the back is an invasion of privacy. There could have been any number of reasons they had for not answering the door, none of them being popper inners business!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/05/2017 17:38

Yabu for not answering.

You can't say that though. Lots of people do not answer doors due to anxiety, and okay I think in ops case. She didn't answer because she didn't want her space being invaded which is her prerogative. ( Hope I've spelt that right)

Chocolateisa7adayfood · 13/05/2017 17:41

I can see both sides. If someone knocked on my door for 15 minutes I'd assume it must be an emergency, house burning down across the street, neighbour locked out etc.
Whereas chuggers, sales people etc tend to knock once or twice at the most because they have a lot of calls to make.
I couldn't sit there and ignore it for that length of time. In fact I'd answer it just to make them go away!
But I do think it's rude to turn up unannounced when it isn't an emergency and you could have phoned first.

expatinscotland · 13/05/2017 17:43

If there's an emergency, the knocker usually tells you this through the door or rings you. Can't abide popper inners. I don't answer the door if we're eating or busy. Luckily, we live in a flat that starts on the 1st floor so there's no back door. So rude to come to the back! WTF?! I'd have lost it

SmileEachDay · 13/05/2017 17:44

Why is it rude to not answer the door?

Isn't that the whole point of having a door? So you can shut it and then wander round in your pants drinking gin and eating Bombay mix without having a speak to anyone?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 13/05/2017 17:48

seminormal but they weren't any of those things.
They were having dinner - a communal thing - it didn't need to be an issue, you open the door, say 'hi, we're in the middle of dinner, come in and have a drink/ dinner: join us/whatever'
Mid shag - you'd hide yes of course I'd hide too but I wouldn't hide mid dinner.
People who've joined us for dinner include a collector for the Wildlife Trust (who knocked on our door mid dinner and ended up teaching youngest son electric guitar), electrician turned up to give us a quote and various others.
No one has joined us mid shag though - definitely hide - but still wouldn't take offence.

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