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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this person was rude?

169 replies

youcometomyhouse · 13/05/2017 16:30

Someone DH works with showed up unexpectedly at our house at dinner time. We ignored the door because we weren't expecting anyone but he knocked repeatedly over a 15 minute period. When we still didn't answer he walked around to the back door. DH invited him in despite the fact it was dinner time!

He only wanted a cup of tea and a chat with DH, nothing important.

AIBU to think this is rude?

OP posts:
BeautyQueenFromMars · 13/05/2017 19:29

Of course it isn't rude to not answer your door! The person knocking is on your property, in your space, asking for your time. They are being rude by encroaching on you without invitation.

limitedperiodonly · 13/05/2017 19:29

Because it can be intrusive to have someone wanting to speak to you without prior notice

Dear LiviaDrusillaAugusta

On exiting the loo behind you just now I noticed that you'd tucked your skirt into your knickers. Did you mean to do this? Perhaps you could give me an appointment to discuss it at your earliest convenience

Yours etc

Fairyliz · 13/05/2017 19:33

All of the posters who invite people incand give them dinner where do you get the food from? Surely most of us cook for X amount of people. If you have X plus 1 there won't be enough food?
Or do posters cook extra food just in case someone pops in?

If it was really a family emergency wouldn't the person at the door phone/text so you wouldknow who was there?

RandomDent · 13/05/2017 19:33

This thread is going the way of shoes off in the house. Grin

limitedperiodonly · 13/05/2017 19:35

Livia my mum used to turn up at some point every Saturday afternoon. If I wasn't in, she'd let herself in. The key was that she had a key, so neither of us had to tie ourselves down to a specific time. She'd always knock first though.

The system worked for us.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/05/2017 19:35

Oh dear - do you often have comprehension issues? Someone is not going to come to my home to tell me I have my skirt tucked in my knickers leaving aside the fact I don't wear a skirt, if we are getting literal

If someone is randomly turning up, it's not someone I want to talk to. Anyone I know would have my mobile number and would at least contact me first. I have severe anxiety and don't generally let people into my home (anyone including family) and it bothers me when some twat knocks.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/05/2017 19:37

And there is nothing wrong with someone you know turning up IF THEY KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY FOR THEM TO DO SO! Anyone who knows me well enough to know where to find my flat (not as easy as it sounds) knows that I don't answer the door to unexpected people

elephantscansing · 13/05/2017 19:42

Mumsnet is so weird about this. Everyone in mumsnet hates people popping in.

I like people popping in.

You were rude not to answer the door - and bizarre.

Having said that, dh's friend should not have carried on knocking for 15 mins. Didn't he ask why you hadn't answered the door??

limitedperiodonly · 13/05/2017 19:46

I don''t have comprehension issues and I try very hard not to be rude to harmless strangers Livia. But sometimes temptation overcomes me.

People who knock on your door without evil intentions whether related or not are not twats. They're probably just the Hermes man with a delivery for next door.

Or it could be the man from Thames Water telling me to fill as many saucepans as I could because he was turning off the water in 10 minutes and couldn't say when it was going on again.

Keep that thought.

Happyhippy45 · 13/05/2017 19:50

If you pop in unexpected you expect there will be a chance that someone won't answer. Either because they are out or it's not convenient.

My DH popped home from work for some "afternoon delight." He was driving his bosses car.
A friend of ours drove past and saw a strange car in the driveway and decided he would knock on the front door several times. He then went round the back of the house and knocked on the window of our fucking bedroom. Then went round the front again and started calling on me. He gave up after a while and left. Completely ruined our moment of passion when the kids were at school.

Next time we saw him we asked him about it and explained he'd disturbed us. He wasn't in the slightest bit bothered His reason for popping on was because he saw a strange car in the driveway..........I think he thought I was cheating on my DH and was trying to catch me out. Twat.

MrTurtleLikesKisses · 13/05/2017 19:54

"We ignored the door because we weren't expecting anyone..."

Hahahahahaaaaaaaa.
You sound like my (very) elderly grandparents.

limitedperiodonly · 13/05/2017 20:00

My DH popped home from work for some "afternoon delight." He was driving his bosses car. A friend of ours drove past and saw a strange car in the driveway and decided he would knock on the front door several times.

This sounds a lot like the plot of a Tales of The Unexpected with Denholm Elliott and Joss Ackland called that I watched the other day. It didn't end well for either of them.

That's why I could never live in a suburban cul-de-sac with drives and bin issues. Far too many curtain twitchers

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/05/2017 20:06

I didn't say they were all evil - just that I have no desire to speak to them.

I find it hard to believe that the water man wouldn't put a note through the door - and if he didn't then it's my tough shit, isn't it!

Where I live, we don't take in each other's parcels etc, again it would be tough if I missed something! I don't live in a great neighbourhood and we all tend to get on with our lives without getting involved with each other.

You sound like you are taking this personally. Presumably you aren't going to be the one ignored on my doorstep so I don't see why it's an issue for you Confused

jarhead123 · 13/05/2017 20:18

HATE unannounced visitors. I also wouldn't answer and wouldnt feel guilty. He should have text/rung to check beforehand that it was a convenient time!

RainbowPastel · 13/05/2017 20:22

You were rude not to answer the door.

sandgrown · 13/05/2017 20:29

I have had times in the past when life was shit and I just needed a bit of company and adult conversation. I would call on good friends for a brew and a chat. Maybe he was having a bad day and that's why he persisted.

SunshinenSparkles · 13/05/2017 20:41

So now people consider it rude to ignore a doorbell? Righty then.

If my doorbell rings and I'm not in the mood for company and not expecting anyone then I don't feel bad about ignoring it. People should know that they should call on their way if they want to guarantee that you're in and will answer the door.

I would also have thought that it was polite to avoid mealtimes when 'popping in' and that you shouldn't appear early morning on weekends or after a certain time at night. For instance, I generally try not to disturb anybody after 9-9:30pm when they are trying to unwind before bed and I wouldn't dream of calling someone at 8am on the weekends (or weekdays for that matter).

Appearing, uninvited at someone's home between 5-7:30pm and banging for 15mins before waltzing round the back and into their house is normal but god forbid I don't answer the door while my family is enjoying their lovely hot meal and dinner conversation. Hmm

Original poster
youcometomyhouse · 13/05/2017 20:41

It wasn't an emergency. He just wanted a chat. He tried the same thing the week before but DH told him it's not a good time for us as it's when we have a family dinner and then get DS ready for bed together. This time he didn't bother ringing or texting just came straight to the house!

We didn't hear him at first as we were on the other side of the house with music playing, cooking dinner, playing with DS. Then when I turned the music down to start dishing up dinner we heard him but figured it was a salesperson or something because we have no family locally and good friends know they need to ring first so just ignored it.

When he kept knocking I got super annoyed and just didn't want to answer. I peeped out of the upstairs window and realised it was the same bloke from the week before so carried on ignoring him. The house was a mess, I was dressed in my pyjamas because I'm pregnant and was tired after a long day at work and I just wanted to eat my dinner with my family in peace.

I don't mind when people pop in at a reasonable time but not 6pm having been told before that's dinner time for us. He really annoyed me and I don't want him to come around again.

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 13/05/2017 21:06

I presume you are not Irish OP.
Grin

MerchantofVenice · 13/05/2017 21:24

It's everyone's right not to answer their oen front door ffs! I hate people bothering me when I'm trying to have a bath or cook dinner. I do usually answer it tbf because it could be a delivery or something. Same reason I answer the phone (despite hating answering the phone) - it could be important.

I do wonder about this social type of 'popping in' though. Amongst my family and friends, we almost always pre-arrange visits. This isn't because we're uptight assholes; it's because we're all always busy. Aren't most people?! Who are these people (aside from perhaps some retired folks?) who are sitting about, all presentable, waiting for a random visitor? We are either at work, or eating, doing homework, sleeping, frantically doing domestic tasks etc. There might be one weekend afternoon when we're just dossing about - but we wouldn't be looking to fill that one slot with a spontaneous visit from a random colleague..

Staypuff · 13/05/2017 21:25

He was very very rude. Ok you didn't answer the door but he came around back intruding. What if you'd been having a cheeky Fuck on the lounge floor? Your dh should have shown him the door.

witsender · 13/05/2017 21:29

I almost never answer the phone. We have call guardian on the home phone so it tells me who is calling, and I normally screen via the answer phone. Mobile is always on silent so I just check for missed calls as and when. If someone wants me they normally leave a voicemail. I then have the option to text or message back instead of actually having to speak to someone, which suits me far better.

DeadGood · 13/05/2017 21:32

Livia this is the first time I have agreed with you about anything, but I do now. Wholeheartedly.

sandgrown nobody is saying you can't talk to your friends. But I am honestly, truthfully baffled as to why someone would exit their house, walk or drive to someone else's house, and then knock on their door unannounced in hopes that they are in and want to talk. Why not call first? Seriously -why? I'm sure that before telephones existed, people lived their lives differently and drop-ins were the norm. But things have changed and there's no point denying it, surely?!

DeadGood · 13/05/2017 21:34

"I do wonder about this social type of 'popping in' though. Amongst my family and friends, we almost always pre-arrange visits. This isn't because we're uptight assholes; it's because we're all always busy. Aren't most people?! Who are these people (aside from perhaps some retired folks?) who are sitting about, all presentable, waiting for a random visitor? We are either at work, or eating, doing homework, sleeping, frantically doing domestic tasks etc. There might be one weekend afternoon when we're just dossing about - but we wouldn't be looking to fill that one slot with a spontaneous visit from a random colleague."

merchant I agree with every word of this

DeadGood · 13/05/2017 21:38

""We ignored the door because we weren't expecting anyone..."

Hahahahahaaaaaaaa.
You sound like my (very) elderly grandparents."

MrTurtle see, I think the "come in for dinner! We made extra just in case an uninvited guest showed up"/"of course you can come in! I did my hair this morning, hoping some random er would knock on the door!" crew are the ones who sound old-fashioned (and dare I say it, slightly pathetic - don't they have anything better to do?!).

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