To feel like telling MIL to keep her cheque?

[user18349332]

Had MIL problems for years. Snide comments always out of earshot of DH. She plays the nice butter wouldn't melt type until no-one's looking.

I put up with it and she comes and stays with us regularly for two weeks at a time.

Her latest stunt has really got my goat though. DH and I have just moved and MIL wants to sent us a cheque for a housewarming gift. Very kind of her, I thought.

Except DH is up to his eyeballs in debt (he was before he met me and hid it from me). We've been trying to sort things out. This is one of the reasons we are downsizing and have moved.

Until we get on top of how we are going to sort finances, one of the things we decided to do was to put the cheque into my bank account otherwise it will all be eaten up with charges anyway.

So when MIL rang to offer us this gift, DH asked MIL over the telephone if she could write cheque in my name. He didn't say why. She came back with So you're just a kept man, are you? She obviously didn't realise I was sitting right next to DH at the time and heard every word.

I am furious. (1) it's none of her business! (2) how dare she act as if I am controlling her son (3) she doesn't know how much I've worked to get us out of the financial hole DH has dug us into (4) I have suspected before that she has been trying to find out about our financial situation. She mentions money a lot. Someone I never talk about with people.

I am so tempted to tell her where to stick her cheque, but I would never be so rude to an old lady. DH won't stand up to her. He never has!

Ditch the DH then you'll be rid of his debt and his mother.
Inlaws, fecking hate them.

There used to be a way of a payee of a cheque signing it over to someone else. If still possible, you could have the cheque made out to DH and he could sign it over to you. MIL need never know.

It used to be that the payee signed the back of the cheque then it could be banked by whoever. I think those days have passed now due to money laundering regs and the nanny state. Worth a try still?

Endorsing cheques in that way hasn't been available for many years.

OP you've suffered EA in the past, and you are still.

You wanted it to be different with DH. You wanted someone to love and care for you. You hoped you would find it in him.

But you haven't. He is abusing you emotionally and financially. You don't have the will to change things because he, and your past experiences, have drained you of strength and belief. It seems easier to stay put in the relationship than do anything. This state of despair has become your comfort zone.

He isn't your dream man and never was. He's a liar, an immature lazy arse who wants everyone else to sort out his problems for him, and he won't change.

Try to find one last burst of strength and walk away. Whatever people have done to you in the past to make you feel so weak, you ARE worth much more than this. And in time, when he is out of your life, you will believe that.

Ok - few points here:

What was it that you husband spent all this money on? Does it show tendencies of gambling or obsessive spending which means there is still an underlying issue?

How do you know he won't do it again - without you knowing?

Trust comes in many forms - building up debts like this means without telling you has in many ways broken that trust and not wanting to make you feel worse - but from all your comments on here I'm not sure what YOU are getting out of this relationship. Is he kind, considerate in other ways? Does he put you first? If not then you really need to make some hard decisions. I assume legally the debts were in his name only and not in both your names? Can imagine the stress you poor thing. Also if you know the name of the creditor who is calling you - I would just say - call me again and I'm speaking to the police - that is just not allowed.

As for the MIL - why are you protecting your husband - I'd take great pleasure in telling her the truth. She needs to know exactly what type of person her son is and how he has turned your life upside down - that would soon stop the snide comments.

With regards to your pets is there no way you could keep them? Get some help to look after them?

There's clearly a lot more going on here than one catty comment over a £200 cheque. OP you seem to be a bit like me, putting up with unreasonable sh!t from our darling spouses and family. Forget about the cheque, the important thing is for you to feel stronger in the face of possible conflict as you seem to have given up a hell of a lot of important things in order to avoid saying no or expressing disagreement. I've been working on this with hypnotherapy from hypnotherapydownloads.com which I like because I can listen to them privately, they're very affordable and really seem to work. Good luck OP. Time to take less sh!t from both mother and son xxx