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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like telling MIL to keep her cheque?

157 replies

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 14:28

Had MIL problems for years. Snide comments always out of earshot of DH. She plays the nice butter wouldn't melt type until no-one's looking.

I put up with it and she comes and stays with us regularly for two weeks at a time.

Her latest stunt has really got my goat though. DH and I have just moved and MIL wants to sent us a cheque for a housewarming gift. Very kind of her, I thought.

Except DH is up to his eyeballs in debt (he was before he met me and hid it from me). We've been trying to sort things out. This is one of the reasons we are downsizing and have moved.

Until we get on top of how we are going to sort finances, one of the things we decided to do was to put the cheque into my bank account otherwise it will all be eaten up with charges anyway.

So when MIL rang to offer us this gift, DH asked MIL over the telephone if she could write cheque in my name. He didn't say why. She came back with So you're just a kept man, are you? She obviously didn't realise I was sitting right next to DH at the time and heard every word.

I am furious. (1) it's none of her business! (2) how dare she act as if I am controlling her son (3) she doesn't know how much I've worked to get us out of the financial hole DH has dug us into (4) I have suspected before that she has been trying to find out about our financial situation. She mentions money a lot. Someone I never talk about with people.

I am so tempted to tell her where to stick her cheque, but I would never be so rude to an old lady. DH won't stand up to her. He never has!

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 16:22

You can report your thread to HQ and ask for the title to be changed and maybe moved to Relationships?

Buildmeupbuttercup89 · 12/05/2017 16:27

LTB

FanDabbyFloozy · 12/05/2017 16:28

Do not let the business go into your name in any circumstances, even if he goes bankrupt.

Personally I'd leave him, and I have NEVER written that before on MN. No man should be building up debt while you're slaving to pay the bills.

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 16:28

Debt level - between £80k to £100k as far as I can gather.

OP posts:
Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 16:28

Mortgage was £500 a month. Unbeknownst to me, it's down £1100!

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 16:33

Bloody hell. That's a life-altering level of debt. He's screwed you over proper Angry

Whose name is on the deeds?

Stormtreader · 12/05/2017 16:33

You poor thing, my heart genuinely breaks for the situation your husband has chosen to put you in and then seemingly be happy for you to continue in. I would be sorely tempted to give the person calling you your husbands mobile and let him deal with the stress of it.

I do question though - would someone who loves you be so uncaring about the stress all of this puts you under? Would they allow these things to be said about and around you and then try and claim they didnt notice so it didnt happen? Is that a person worthy of your love, and your life?

PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 16:34

And - "as far as I can gather" ??

Why don't you know?

This is really very terrifying.

PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 16:35

Have you given away any of YOUR equity or assets to service his debts?

Penfold007 · 12/05/2017 16:38

Your DH had decieved and lied to you with consummate ease. He's also done the same to business contacts, I bet he's done the same to his mother. He's probably blamed you for the debt but I still think her comment was aimed squarely at him, she had her suspicions.
The debt is well into bankruptcy territory, you need to be very wary and take independent debt advice because he's trying to offload the burden on to you.

Fishface77 · 12/05/2017 16:40

Several questions op

  1. What's in your name?
  2. What's in both of your names?
  3. Have you credit checked yourself?
  4. Do you have children?
  5. Have you credit checked him?
  6. Do you WANT to stay with him?
  7. Why the fuck are you still with him Hmm?
  8. What do you get out of the relationship?
  9. Why are you trying so hard to please these people?
10. What's you support network like in real life?

You will be left with nothing. Your cunt of a husband may be right and bankruptcy is the only way to go but I certainly would not be associating myself with his business!
Get out op and go home to the place, people and job you love.

acatcalledjohn · 12/05/2017 16:41

In fact, I'm the one who remembers mother's day and her birthday and push DH to get her something.

Stop this immediately.

He's not facing up to the debts at all. He wants to leave them behind/go bankrupt and use my accounts. The business earnings can go in a business account in my name.

So he basically wants to screw up your credit score too?

I hate to say it, but: LTB.

I refuse to have a shared account with my DP because of my debt history and rubbish credit score. Not until I have managed to improve that will I consider linking with him as I am absolutely not ruining his credit score because of my inability to manage money in the past.

He's using you.

reetgood · 12/05/2017 16:43

My mum would raise her eyebrows if I asked her to pay a gift of money intended for me to my partner. I'm a grown woman, but she still prefers that I'm the recipient. She fine with a gift benefitting us as a couple, but she's quite clear if she gave cash its for me.

But then that's not really the issue here. If he were straight with her, she wouldn't think you were being weird. And you're rightfully angry about Other Stuff. Forget about the mil. It's not the issue. Or his family in general. It's him.

stella23 · 12/05/2017 16:45

So she said he was a kept man,

How Is that a dig at you, surely that's a did at him? Telling him to pull his finger out. I don't get what she's said to offend you?

Yvetteballs · 12/05/2017 16:49

Try to find the will to leave him. This debt will never clear and you will never cheer up. It's not about MIL, it's about him.

SnapJack68 · 12/05/2017 16:50

I am a bit surprised your biggest issue right now is whether or not to accept a cheque for £200 when you have 80k plus debt attached to you via DH. ..

And talking about birthdays and guests room decor... wtf. Is your head totally in the sand?

Your world is crumbling to shit around you and you are fretting over tones of voice and snide remarks?

You really may need to think about the bigger picture here.

Maybe I have totally.got the wrong end of the stick but this reads like a terrible soap opera plot

AdaColeman · 12/05/2017 16:51

but I'm the only one who hasn't seen the script yet

It's time for you to rip up the script that your loser of a husband has written for you, and for you to start directing your own scenes.

Find out exactly how much debt you are in, if you are married the debt may well involve you personally, even though created by your husband. You have seen the start of this with being phoned at work.

On absolutely no account must you get involved with trying to hide business money in your own personal bank accounts.

If your husband thinks that by moving house he will evade creditors he is a fool.

If there is any paperwork that shows the debt existing before you married, keep copies of it safely.

Get help to sort the debt as a matter of urgency, it will not go away, it will simply grow rapidly.

StillHungryy · 12/05/2017 16:57

Oh no not a cheque thread! Shock

QuiteLikely5 · 12/05/2017 17:04

He borrowed 80k without telling you?

What are the chances of him earning that from his business? In the next year or two?

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 17:10

It has just occurred to me that maybe a lot of the money has been going MIL's way (he was single for over 20 years before meeting me). Maybe he hasn't been able to keep some arrangement going so well and I am getting the blame. Who knows? Certainly not me.

It's not like I wouldn't be sympathetic to helping his mother out, of course I would, but nothing has ever been discussed with me.

OP posts:
Kevinbaconsrealwife · 12/05/2017 17:13

God you poor thing, what an absolute pair of headfucking arseholes him and his mother are.....another one who has never said this on here before but please leave him.....your very real health problems and your peace of mind have got to be more important than this half life.....and I'm only speaking for myself here but I would write her a letter telling her absolutely everything about her precious son- I'd extend him the same courtesy he's been extending you- nothing!!!!!...take care and all the very very best xxxxxx

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 17:16
  1. What's in your name?

A store card.

  1. What's in both of your names?

Nothing.

  1. Have you credit checked yourself?

Yes. I am okay so far.

  1. Do you have children?

No.

  1. Have you credit checked him?

We did it together. He has a lot of debt.

  1. Do you WANT to stay with him?

I have mixed feelings. Still wishing the dream man I thought he was would still materialise.

  1. Why the fuck are you still with him hmm?

I am reeling and my first thought was immediately securing another roof over my head. I realise I should have taken stock better.

  1. What do you get out of the relationship?

Just wanted a loving man to enjoy life with. We were friends for 18 months, dated very briefly, then marriage. I really thought I knew him.

  1. Why are you trying so hard to please these people?

I was brought up that way. It's crazy and stupid.

  1. What's you support network like in real life?

Zero really. Dysfunctional family. No-one in this country anyway.
Friends left behind in the move. DH not at all sociable. Says he needs no-one but me.

OP posts:
Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 17:17

Old house in his name only.

New house in my name only. Deposit - he cashed in a (very small) pension early.

His earnings go into a business account that is in my name. He is taking more of a risk than me there, I think.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 12/05/2017 17:18

Do you at least know where all of the money went?

If I was you I'd take a weekend out to go and visit your friends and give you some space to think

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 17:26

Jesus Christ.

Your husband is one pathetic dead-weight loser, that's for sure.

He is absolutely not worth a fraction of the time or heartbreak you have put into him.

Do you know what? If you ever need him for anything, if you ever need for once to be the one asking for help, support - he won't be there for you.

And his mother... well, why even bother. The apple didn't fall far from the tree really, did it. Oh yes, different personalities, different approach... but the same fucking human drain on all resources, all life, all normality.

Please, seriously, think about leaving him. Ten years younger? I bet you're really looking forward to stepping up the care and taking on even more responsibility as the years go by and he retires, etc. And the debt? He'll rack up more.

You sound lovely. It's absolutely tragic to read your poor posts. You are a nice, normal woman literally being dragged into the shit by a pair of absolute fucking bellends who don't deserve the time of day from you.

Just LEAVE! You can! Go back. Back to your friends, back to your old job if you can. You may be older and I can certainly see that you're more 'broken' but you know what? Staying and trying to wade through treacle trying to sort this out is only going to destroy you more. You don't even know the real extent of his debts. ''Little boy'' whining persona? I think I'd have turned tail and walked out right there.

Tell us more - are you liable? What is the housing situation? Have you had to sell and are now renting? Is the credit all in his name, could you get out of it if you left him and divorced?

Seriously - that level of debt is something else again. If you leave, he'll go bankrupt and go and live with MIL. And you can move on. Let him.

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