To feel like telling MIL to keep her cheque?

[user18349332]

Had MIL problems for years. Snide comments always out of earshot of DH. She plays the nice butter wouldn't melt type until no-one's looking.

I put up with it and she comes and stays with us regularly for two weeks at a time.

Her latest stunt has really got my goat though. DH and I have just moved and MIL wants to sent us a cheque for a housewarming gift. Very kind of her, I thought.

Except DH is up to his eyeballs in debt (he was before he met me and hid it from me). We've been trying to sort things out. This is one of the reasons we are downsizing and have moved.

Until we get on top of how we are going to sort finances, one of the things we decided to do was to put the cheque into my bank account otherwise it will all be eaten up with charges anyway.

So when MIL rang to offer us this gift, DH asked MIL over the telephone if she could write cheque in my name. He didn't say why. She came back with So you're just a kept man, are you? She obviously didn't realise I was sitting right next to DH at the time and heard every word.

I am furious. (1) it's none of her business! (2) how dare she act as if I am controlling her son (3) she doesn't know how much I've worked to get us out of the financial hole DH has dug us into (4) I have suspected before that she has been trying to find out about our financial situation. She mentions money a lot. Someone I never talk about with people.

I am so tempted to tell her where to stick her cheque, but I would never be so rude to an old lady. DH won't stand up to her. He never has!

Sorry, x-posts re your situation

OMG, that's a HUGE amount of money!! I though you were talking about £10-20K.

Just out of curiosity, have you ever spoken to a solicitor about your personal liability for any/all of this debt? The laws in the UK are apparently a bit different from where I am where pretty much all debt incurred during a marriage is legally considered 'joint' debt (with a few exceptions). I would think it would be worth your while to find this out as well as what you might expect a divorce settlement to order him to pay regardless of legal liability. A friend's DH racked up a bit of debt and although it was legally joint debt he was required to pay it all in their divorce settlement.

When I was in the last throes of my first marriage I remember hearing "It's better to be alone than to wish you were". It really resonated with me and one of the things that really motivated me to kick him out. And I found that it was a very true statement. My life was so much more calm and peaceful once he was gone. This was especially true as we had no children. Once he was gone I never had to see him ever again.

Life is too short and has too many wonderful things in it to waste one moment in an unhappy relationship.

If I was in a relationship with someone who had managed to get into 80k of debt, you can be certain that I would insist on knowing the basics of money in and out, and on what, and ESPECIALLY someone who "increased it[the debt] massively during our time together".

And it's only your name on the mortgage?

You don't have any ownership of the business but the profits go into an account in your name as he wants to hide them from creditors?

You mention the animals would be difficult to leave or rehome- livestock? Are you in the UK? Where is 'home'?

Still wishing the dream man I thought he was would still materialise.

• it can't and won't because it doesn't exist. The reality is the hopeless whiner that's thrown you under the bus too. That's what he is. You didn't know him.

File for divorce. Sell the new house and give him some cash, if you must - give him his deposit back. Move back to your old area and your friends. Our friends are our support too -! - we aren't close to family at all. It's fine. It's normal.

Not at all surprised to hear that the H has no friends and prefers to be your emotional bloodsucker as well as a financial one.

You don't have to live this life. You really don't.

You are not going to get happier by sorting this out and staying with him.

"Debt level - between £80k to £100k as far as I can gather."

No wonder it's taking it's toll on you.

I once broke up with someone because they didn't pay off all of their credit card bill even though they could afford to & incurred interest!

If the new house is in your name ask him to leave and go back to his mothers to give you time and space to sort your feelings out. You need to understand what liabilities you have for any or all of his debt. Citizens advice or solicitor could help you there. When you are clear how all this could affect you, arrange a meeting with him. Lay your cards on the table and tell him he must service his own debt and you will not be paying anything towards that. Neither will you accept liablity. If he really wants to makes things right and be honest from now on, he will be only too glad to let you manage the finances and I think he could best show his good intentions by getting a job!

If you own the house solely how come "unbenownst to you" the mortgage repayments have gone up from £500 to £1100 per month? Or have I misunderstood something?

Are any other debts secured against the house (other than mortgage?)

From what you've written I can't see any good reason to stay married to this lying, using, scrounging, self pitying waste of space.

So your mortgage - is it in arrears?

Is the debt attached just to his property?

You really need to get out, OP.

I would rather be alone and support myself then work my fingers to the bone for the rest of my life for nothing due to someone else's recklessness.

Why can't he get a better paid job though? His business can't make money, what is the point.

Sorry OP you have been (and are being) really taken advantage of. I'd have lost all respect for him a long time ago and would be rapidly securing my own finances and cutting all ties. He will drain you of everything, not just financially, but emotionally. Give him his small deposit back along with the divorce papers and set yourself free from this user. It's so sad how much you've given up and sacrificed for him

Op there's being taken advantage of and there's let someone take advantage.
Like the old adage goes, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Stop letting him take advantage. Get legal advice and get the fuck out.
No one can help you but yourself and your "D"h is a worthless piece of shit.

I suggest you have a read about debt advice on Money Saving Expert.
Also, contact one of the debt charities such as Stepchange or CAP.
And speak to a solicitor or CAB about where you stand legally if you were to divorce.

He's never going to step up to the plate regards the debt, so stop trying. If he was mortified and trying to sort the debt out, I'd suggest giving him a chance, but it doesn't sound like he is. He just wants to put everything in your name to avoid dealing with his responsibilities.

Maybe she knows just how good he is at getting into debt and was making the dig that he can't manage money properly. It's an unusual insult otherwise. I can think of much better ones if I wanted to insult you tbh!

Take the money and spend it together on something useless but you both want.

The sacrifice you are making to support your husband is amazing, but sounds like you need a bit of relief to ease the stress.

Debt is a horrible problem and I hope you both soon resolve your current situation.

has just occurred to me that maybe a lot of the money has been going MIL's way

There are a lot of ways to rack up that sort of debt. But IME things like secret gambling tend to be a more common cause than secret gifts of cash to mum.

The size of the debt, the secrecy while it was being created, the fact he has evaded giving you the full story of how he got in this degree of debt all sets off a fair few alarm bells on the "could be gambling" score.

Not saying that is the only possible explanation, but... there is enough of a familiar ring about it to raise it as a strong contender as an answer to "where the fuck did all the money go? "

I wonder if this man is worth staying with. If no children, it might be worth considering. While you are still young enough to meet someone else (but that can be at any age!) - don't waste your life on this man unless you are that much in love and see a way out of all this debt.

There is a lack of honesty involved with DH and maybe MIL too. You have proved you can work and earn decent income. He has proved to be useless with money causing debt to the point of making you very ill, heart disease is very scary.
You have nothing to lose and all to gain by getting rid of the waster. No one would accept such bad finances and neither should you. He will if he can sponge from you until you are dead (sorry to be so blunt). You have been too kind to these people.

'Still wishing the dream man I thought he was would still materialise.'

he was never that man. it's like buying a renault and hoping that it'll turn into a maserati.

My god I'd be putting his mother straight. Maybe if she knew what was really going on perhaps she may help you to put him in check.

How?? How can a man who was single for 20 years, have no kids and don't have any friends rack up soo much debt?! How is this possible ??!! Aren't you concerned what the money was spent on!!

I do feel for you op. I do however, echo what the other posters have said , your problem is greater than your mil. Your mil story does sound similar to mine though. I earn 3 times more than my dh and his mom always made out like he was the one providing us with a Financial comfortable lifestyle . Little did she know that I paid off his 20k debt and steered us in the right direction. When I had my baby last year , she and a friend visited and her friend asked me when will I return to work . I replied with " well I'd love to take a year off but I'll have to go much sooner as I'm the main bread whinner and would need to keep a roof over our head!!" My mil's face was to die for !!! I always play this back in my head when she's having a dig!!!😂

Big hugs to you op.. what a tough place to be in... sounds like you need to have a break alone and think about YOURSELF and your future !!! Xxx

Cherry

OMG OP it's a horrendous situation owing so much. Leave and save yourself, or you will find you are spending the rest of your life working all hours just keeping your and his head above water and the creditors will be banging on the door taking all that you have provided. life isn't supposed to be that hard.

An old friend of mine was in the same situation but with 2 sc. his mother spent serious money on him which he gambled away because he was a very clever little boy really. FUCKING REALLY. she never bought the children birthday presents etc. But she did buy her little boy a samurai sword guess what he got drunk beat his wife up and went bonkers down the street threatening people and was arrested

She kicked him out then. Bet he's living back with mummy

LEAVE HIM HES A WASTE OF SPACE. make sure you are not liable for any of his debt. His mummy will pay for a crack legal team (more debt) to sqeeeeezzzze all the money out out of you. He's a kept man you see.