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Original poster

To feel like telling MIL to keep her cheque?

157 replies

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 14:28

Had MIL problems for years. Snide comments always out of earshot of DH. She plays the nice butter wouldn't melt type until no-one's looking.

I put up with it and she comes and stays with us regularly for two weeks at a time.

Her latest stunt has really got my goat though. DH and I have just moved and MIL wants to sent us a cheque for a housewarming gift. Very kind of her, I thought.

Except DH is up to his eyeballs in debt (he was before he met me and hid it from me). We've been trying to sort things out. This is one of the reasons we are downsizing and have moved.

Until we get on top of how we are going to sort finances, one of the things we decided to do was to put the cheque into my bank account otherwise it will all be eaten up with charges anyway.

So when MIL rang to offer us this gift, DH asked MIL over the telephone if she could write cheque in my name. He didn't say why. She came back with So you're just a kept man, are you? She obviously didn't realise I was sitting right next to DH at the time and heard every word.

I am furious. (1) it's none of her business! (2) how dare she act as if I am controlling her son (3) she doesn't know how much I've worked to get us out of the financial hole DH has dug us into (4) I have suspected before that she has been trying to find out about our financial situation. She mentions money a lot. Someone I never talk about with people.

I am so tempted to tell her where to stick her cheque, but I would never be so rude to an old lady. DH won't stand up to her. He never has!

OP posts:
Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 14:52

I need assertiveness training for sure. I'm a magnet to bullies and users.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 12/05/2017 14:53

I think you need to leave this man and go back to the job you loved. I think you're displacing your anger onto the wrong person.

DuchessK · 12/05/2017 14:53

Just accept the money, maybe she has her suspicions about your DH's financial position and that's why she said it?

My MIL would always write a cheque to my DH rather than me so it may be slightly odd to her?

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 14:55

I took the comment as she thinks I'm cheating DH out of money or something. Being "bossy" or something. She accused me of being "bossy" once when she overheard me reminding him to pick up some tickets before he left home to get me from work.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 12/05/2017 14:55

Just take the old bag's money & treat yourself. It sounds like you've had a terrible time of it and she's not helping. It's horrible when you're slogging your guts out and you've got this cow undermining you. Plus you're far away from the friends that would no doubt take your mind off things. So how about putting the money towards going to see them and having a nice time for once? Put yourself first !

tweezers · 12/05/2017 14:55

Why stay in the background letting her think its all him? Why all the secrecy? Say to her that you heard her comment and ask her why she made it? If you never challenge her comments calmly and politely, this will just continue and to be fair to her, everything seems to be centred around covering up his debt situation. Perhaps he should own it and be upfront about what you do for him.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/05/2017 14:55

Let it get eaten up in dh bank.

When she asks where the gift is tell her to ask dh.

lanouvelleheloise · 12/05/2017 14:56

I really think your DH needs to explain his situation to her, and to tell her how much you have helped him, and how many sacrifices you've made.

I don't know many people who wouldn't be impressed by a couple who has done the things you have to put everything on a sound financial footing. And it might well change your MIL's attitude towards you and put her admiration for your DH in a rather more realistic light.

grannytomine · 12/05/2017 14:56

He could open a savings account, you could have a joint account. There are ways to avoid having to tell people you have problems.

diddl · 12/05/2017 14:56

Whilst there was no need for any remark at all from her, it is on the face of it an odd request, isn't it?

Presumably there's some reason why it couldn't have gone into his account & then yours once cleared?

On the whole though, it's not her that I'd be furious with.

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 14:57

Why stay in the background letting her think its all him? Why all the secrecy?

I hate forcing issues. I would feel disloyal. I'd like my financial affairs with my husband to stay between us. I have never asked anyone for financial help (including my family) in my life. I just get on with my own problems.

Even if I told her, I could guarantee she'd spin it somehow that he'd spent the money on me and I'd got him into the debt.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 14:57

What the fuck have I just read?

Your partner was / is in so much hidden debt that you've decided to sell your home, leave your job, leave your friends (basically start a brand new life)?

What a fucking betrayal - just as bad as cheating on you imo. The lies! How dare he do this to you?

And to hear that he allows his mother to emotionally abuse you as well? And put up with her two-week stays?

No, no, no. The cheque thing sounds minor on its own but maybe your reaction is due to the last straw effect.

I would split and go home if I was you. What an utter bellend he is.

PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 14:59

Doesn't sound as if you're on a sound financial footing even after all that, if he is still paying penalty charges in his account?

PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 15:00

I'm a magnet to bullies and users

Your husband included.

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:01

The cheque thing sounds minor on its own but maybe your reaction is due to the last straw effect

You may be right there Sad.

I think I've snapped because we've just got to this new place. I'm wrung out, **ing exhausted, been diagnosed with a heart condition (a-fib). I am trying to make the best of the new home. It's in poor repair decoratively-speaking.

I was trying to get into a good mindset for a new start and all. MIL called with a gift for us which warmed my heart and made me think how nice she can be really. Now it's all spoilt. Nothing changes.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/05/2017 15:01

"Presumably there's some reason why it couldn't have gone into his account"

Sorry, missed the explanation in your postBlush

Well perhaps he should just have told her the truth.

Why does she think that you have downsized?

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:02

I don't know what DH has told MIL about downsizing. Just that he likes the new area, I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:03

She usually telephones him during the day when I'm out working. Never in the evenings or weekends. I don't know why. I've never said one cross word to her. In fact, I'm the one who remembers mother's day and her birthday and push DH to get her something.

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PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 15:04

Why on earth is his behaviour acceptable to you? Are you receiving counselling over what he did?

Please don't downplay the massiveness of what he did - it's obviously hurting and affecting you an awful lot.

daisypond · 12/05/2017 15:06

I don't understand why you're annoyed. "Just a kept man" sounds like a jokey comment to her son, too me - unless he doesn't have a job and you do, and you're the only one bringing money in. If you don't have a joint account, of course it's odd for her cheque to you both to be directed to you and not her son, so it's natural that she might comment.

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:07

Why on earth is his behaviour acceptable to you? Are you receiving counselling over what he did?

I always give people chances.

He worked in a bank for 20 years and I thought he would be better with money than me. Not only did he arrive with debt, but he increased it massively during our time together. He handled the finances.

How could I have been so dumb?

Please don't downplay the massiveness of what he did - it's obviously hurting and affecting you an awful lot

It does. I feel utterly betrayed. He says he didn't want to worry me, thought he had it all in hand, thought yet another consolidation loan would make it come right and so on. Still don't know where it all went.

Amazed he actually worked in a bank. Mind you, from what we've seen of bankers in the news - they all seem pretty poor with money.

OP posts:
Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:08

I would love counselling.

I think my problems start away back with EA in the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:08

I feel guilty as I implied to DH I could forgive and forget, but I really don't know if I can!

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KallyBox · 12/05/2017 15:11

Let it get eaten up in dh bank.
When she asks where the gift is tell her to ask dh

This.

If your DH will have over £200 worth of charges he owes the bank, why spend the £200 your MIL is giving you on something for the house? You've been bailing your husband out and working your arse off to do so, so surely paying off £200 worth of charges would be a bit of a relief?

That said, I think the bigger issue is with your DH. Hiding so much debt that you have to downsize is terrible.

PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 15:11

I'm so sorry. It's an utter betrayal, firstly taking your whole life and security for granted and secondly for lying about it.

My dh has previously had a debt problem (all sorted out by me taking complete control of all of our accounts / tightening our belts) and despite this he recently took out a secret credit card for £200 of stuff he wanted. I hit the fucking roof!! How disrespectful and ungrateful. He was mortified (luckily) and won't do it again. I check his credit files to be sure.

It's absolutely a form of abuse x