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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like telling MIL to keep her cheque?

157 replies

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 14:28

Had MIL problems for years. Snide comments always out of earshot of DH. She plays the nice butter wouldn't melt type until no-one's looking.

I put up with it and she comes and stays with us regularly for two weeks at a time.

Her latest stunt has really got my goat though. DH and I have just moved and MIL wants to sent us a cheque for a housewarming gift. Very kind of her, I thought.

Except DH is up to his eyeballs in debt (he was before he met me and hid it from me). We've been trying to sort things out. This is one of the reasons we are downsizing and have moved.

Until we get on top of how we are going to sort finances, one of the things we decided to do was to put the cheque into my bank account otherwise it will all be eaten up with charges anyway.

So when MIL rang to offer us this gift, DH asked MIL over the telephone if she could write cheque in my name. He didn't say why. She came back with So you're just a kept man, are you? She obviously didn't realise I was sitting right next to DH at the time and heard every word.

I am furious. (1) it's none of her business! (2) how dare she act as if I am controlling her son (3) she doesn't know how much I've worked to get us out of the financial hole DH has dug us into (4) I have suspected before that she has been trying to find out about our financial situation. She mentions money a lot. Someone I never talk about with people.

I am so tempted to tell her where to stick her cheque, but I would never be so rude to an old lady. DH won't stand up to her. He never has!

OP posts:

Doobus · 12/05/2017 15:12

Now it's all spoilt. Nothing changes It's only all spoiled if you let it

You can't pin all your hopes on her suddenly changing her tune and being nice to you. That's unlikely to change and you need to find a way to be happy enough without it happening.

To be honest it sounds like your are projecting your issues and expectiations of your DH onto her; if your relationship was good and you were on the same page you could both roll your eyes at her and have a chuckle together. But you can't because he's not right there with you, and you are left feeling lonely and miserable. I'm sorry it's so tough for you right now though, it sounds very exhausting

PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 15:13

I feel guilty as I implied to DH I could forgive and forget, but I really don't know if I can!

Love, you must live your life for YOU x

I really urge you to see if you can access some counselling on your own x

ChocolateWombat · 12/05/2017 15:18

Sorry to hear about all the crap you have had to deal with.

Recognise that you are annoyed about all of that and it has made you feel angrier about MILs off the cuff comment than you would without all the other crap. Even if you don't have a great relationship, just rise above these little comments. Don't allow them to take on greater significance than they really have. By dwelling on them and hearing a nasty tone, you make it into a bigger thing than it really is.

Rise above it. Receive the money graciously and just move forward. I hope you are able to work through the other big issues you are facing....I can see why you are exhausted by all of it and touchy about throw away comments.

Original poster

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:19

It's so hard to explain dynamics over the internet.

Here's an example of MIL and DH's relationship.

She has told me several times now about a first girlfriend DH had. She tells this story with him there too. It involves his girlfriend asking him to put a jacket on before they went out as he would be cold otherwise. She wanted to go for a walk somewhere and it was cold. Apparently he (rightly according to MIL) got the hump about being bossed around like that and ditched her.

She has told me this story repeatedly with that sly smile on her face.

She also mentions an early girlfriend of BIL's (we're going back 35 years here!) repeatedly. She wasn't good enough for him. Her father was only a tradesman. She doesn't know what he wanted with such a girl. She was glad when it ended and so on.

DH just sits there impassively.

If I ever bring up convos like that later when we're alone he brushes them off and says he wasn't really listening and didn't hear it. He just tunes out.

OP posts:

Mummmy2017 · 12/05/2017 15:19

Having read all this I think you should tell her.

Right now your upto your eyeballs in debt, becasue you let your husband do it all, so thank her for the cheque and tell her you know it seemed wrong to ask for it in your name but due to how expenisve life got your husband got the finances wrong. so you have down sized, and your now in control of the money, so you can get back on a even keel...

The decided before she comes down what you would like as a house warming gift and take her out with you to buy it. No matter how nasty she is,, you start of AGREEING with her, then say but..

MIL I can't believe I had to send the cheque to you, does that mean your spending all the money..
You I agree that it must seem odd me getting the cheque, but you know how bad with money men can be...
MIL but my son is a banker, he understands money, bet you spend it all...
You I know isn't it shocking he is a banker and so good at work, but he;s not as good at saving pennies as us ladies are.. and I really wanted us to buy something nice to show for the money you sent us.
MIL it's really you spending it all..
You Yes well it's not really me , we both lived in the house, it just got too much to afford and we both decided to downsize...
MIL My son;s so clever working from home, he really is clever..
You yes I agree, he is so clever, and it's nice to be working from home. I just wish he was better paid, so I didn't have to work so hard to pay the bills , or we would be out on the street......

Original poster

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:21

I don't think she'd ever forgive me for opening her eyes to her son's real character and failings.

I know how I am putting things sounds so mean, but she acts like a Queen Bee and as if her family are so much above everyone else. She would hate me for suggesting they are anything but perfect.

OP posts:

PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 15:22

Have you ever spoken to anyone about the truth? A friend?

Original poster

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:23

Mummmy2017

That might be a good strategy. I'll need to screw up plenty courage first.

I am not sure why she makes me so nervous. She never raises her voice. She is the opposite of loudly dramatic. She is very measured, careful what she says and when she says it, very contained iyswim. Emotionless even. Very goady though with no witnesses.

OP posts:

Original poster

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:24

Have you ever spoken to anyone about the truth? A friend?

No-one, just here.

OP posts:

notanurse2017 · 12/05/2017 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doobus · 12/05/2017 15:26

The thing is it doesn't matter a jot how she behaves, Queen Bee or otherwise. It matters ONLY because you and your husband are not on the same page about it.

If you focus on her behaviour it doesn't address the problem at all. Imagine if she suddenly became the dream MIL - you'd still feel the same about your DH wouldn't you? That he doesn't have your back. You need to address this with him

ChocolateWombat · 12/05/2017 15:26

The best way with Queen Bee types is to ignore them. Usually they want a reaction and if you give one, they get what they want.

If necessary, have a little laugh to yourself about how daft it all is,more mind yourself you are as good as her and don't need to justify yourself or explain yourself, and knowing that, hold your head high and treat her extremely graciously and cheerily too. Isn't that the reaction that bossy manipulative people like least? ...they want you to either feel cowed or annoyed and behave badly. When you remain cheerful and gracious it just takes the wind out of their sails.

Original poster

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:26

You are angry with the wrong person

You are right, of course.

I don't know how to deal with the anger I feel. A lot of the reason I am still here is we have lots of pets. I couldn't get them all rehomed easily, poor things.

OP posts:

NellieFiveBellies · 12/05/2017 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:27

hold your head high and treat her extremely graciously and cheerily too

Oh, I do. It's taking it's toll though. I need more self-care.

OP posts:

Original poster

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:28

When we were alone once, MIL told me she found a porn magazine under my DH's mattress when he was a young teen. She says she just put it back and didn't say anything to him.

WTF?

OP posts:

Doobus · 12/05/2017 15:28

(and it is worth remembering that people that must push others down to feel any value in themselves are hugely insecure in themselves and normally pretty miserable)

Original poster

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:28

She's sooooo prim and proper you wouldn't believe she'd come out with that stuff.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 12/05/2017 15:29

I feel guilty as I implied to DH I could forgive and forget, but I really don't know if I can!

You are entitled to change your mind. Don't let this lock you into a life that you are not happy with.

livefornaps · 12/05/2017 15:30

Well you're not going to be able to change her attitude, instead focus on what you can change. Do you want your life to continue this way? With this man? If the debt gets sorted out, would you be in a good relationship otherwise?

AdaColeman · 12/05/2017 15:30

Oh you poor soul, you sound so defeated and low. What a horrible family they seem, and your husband included.

Have you looked into getting free help from a debt charity such as StepChange or Christians Against Poverty? Being in debt just drains so much of your energy and emotional strength, as well as all the practical problems.

I hope things improve for you, and you feel you can stand up for yourself a bit very soon.

Mummmy2017 · 12/05/2017 15:31

I only found out about the agree thing from a friend who was in a bad relationship and they told her to use it... at the counseling thing.

So funny as we use it on loads of people now, and it really works, agree and the state your case.. can't argue if your being agreed with...

Neome · 12/05/2017 15:31

Misplaced loyalty was a concept that took me years, a refuge and the Freedom programme to begin to understand. You appear to be being financially abused, belittled, bullied and separated from outside supportive relationships which might affect your perspective on this.

This offered gift has accidentally drawn your attention to the fact that there's something wrong with this picture, like an Esher drawing.

Don't do what I did and throw more money, years and sanity into this nightmare.

Doobus · 12/05/2017 15:32

Your DH is conditioned to let her wash over him - it has probably been his defence mechanism to prevent her words and attitudes from hurting him or draining every inch of pleasure from life.

Can you point out to him that he can't expect you just be able to (or want to) do that too, and his lack of understanding or consideration for your feelings is putting you under huge strain.

Original poster

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:32

Oh you poor soul, you sound so defeated and low. What a horrible family they seem, and your husband included

I feel that way.

When you have no-one to bounce things off, it's hard to be sure if you're being OTT or not.

OP posts:

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