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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like telling MIL to keep her cheque?

157 replies

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 14:28

Had MIL problems for years. Snide comments always out of earshot of DH. She plays the nice butter wouldn't melt type until no-one's looking.

I put up with it and she comes and stays with us regularly for two weeks at a time.

Her latest stunt has really got my goat though. DH and I have just moved and MIL wants to sent us a cheque for a housewarming gift. Very kind of her, I thought.

Except DH is up to his eyeballs in debt (he was before he met me and hid it from me). We've been trying to sort things out. This is one of the reasons we are downsizing and have moved.

Until we get on top of how we are going to sort finances, one of the things we decided to do was to put the cheque into my bank account otherwise it will all be eaten up with charges anyway.

So when MIL rang to offer us this gift, DH asked MIL over the telephone if she could write cheque in my name. He didn't say why. She came back with So you're just a kept man, are you? She obviously didn't realise I was sitting right next to DH at the time and heard every word.

I am furious. (1) it's none of her business! (2) how dare she act as if I am controlling her son (3) she doesn't know how much I've worked to get us out of the financial hole DH has dug us into (4) I have suspected before that she has been trying to find out about our financial situation. She mentions money a lot. Someone I never talk about with people.

I am so tempted to tell her where to stick her cheque, but I would never be so rude to an old lady. DH won't stand up to her. He never has!

OP posts:
OliviaPopeRules · 12/05/2017 15:33

Your Mil isn't your problem, your DH is.
If he had any respect for you he would stick up for you as ask her to cut out all the stupid ex stories.
Next time you see her I would say 'thanks for the cheque MIL, sorry we have to ask you to put it in my name but as you probably know we can't use DH's account because of all the debts he has built up. Unfortunately selling the house and downsizing couldn't pay of all the debt but I'm working hard to get it paid off' I'd also add in that it is a pity that her darling son doesn't earn as much as you because that would make things so much easier.

OliviaPopeRules · 12/05/2017 15:35

In fact text her what I just said but make it a bit more passive aggressive (if that's possible). You need to stick up for yourself cos clearly your dickhead of a husband won't!

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:36

I have a feeling MIL might have been going through our personal papers when she's been staying. I am at work all day and if DH is out doing something (he has the occasional client to see at home). She gets up early like 5am, 6am. I can't say for sure of course, but DH leaves stuff lying everything. Letters opened. Letters unopened.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 12/05/2017 15:46

Why can't he stop working from home if the pay is so shit and get a better job?
What does he actively do to pay the debts?

No way i'd be able to keep quiet about your DH's money issues and take the blame. I'd tell her straight that you would never have had to bloody move if he hadn't been so shit with money.

TheSparrowhawk · 12/05/2017 15:52

I think you're focusing on entirely the wrong thing. Your MIL is absolutely not your problem - you have every right to choose not to see her ever again.

Your problem is your utter shit of a husband. You need to get out of that relationship fast and try to get your life back.

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:53

He's not facing up to the debts at all. He wants to leave them behind/go bankrupt and use my accounts. The business earnings can go in a business account in my name.

OP posts:
Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:55

When we have argued. Not argued. I moan and raise my voice. He is impassive. Or just says "I know I'm hopeless" in a little boy persona. Can't really explain it well. I say he's a liar. He says he is not. I say you are what you do. You can't keep lying and then claim not to be a liar! He says he isn't really a liar. It's not really him.

So it goes on.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 12/05/2017 15:56

Could he be playing you with his Mother, I had an ex with a gambling addiction who spent two years lying to his mum to borrow money. When it all came out many of her snide comments suddenly made sense.

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 15:57

Boulshired

I guess anything is possible. What a thought! Right now, I'd pretty much believed anything that happened next. Feel like I'm in a play but I'm the only one who hasn't seen the script yet.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/05/2017 15:59

I think you would be MUCH happier if you weren't in this relationship. It sounds really awful. Your husband is so passive I could scream, so God knows how you feel. His mother and brother being around all the time would drive me crazy - that's OK if they're pleasant but they are really awful.

If you think of living on your own for a while, how does that feel?

BarbarianMum · 12/05/2017 15:59

You don't have to forgive him. And, if you do, I think it would have to be on the basis of honesty and a fresh start. Not a new life based on secrets and lies, just so he can keep face.

Not being able to move past this doesn't make you a terrible person.

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 16:00

I really wanted to have a great relationship with MIL. I redecorated our spare room just for her. It's a nicer room than the one we have been using! Given her a cupboard and wardrobe to keep her stuff in all the time so she doesn't have to lug it in a suitcase. Always have her favourite drinks and foods on hand and so on.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 16:04

There's a massive subtext to all of your MIL's quiet, odd comments. In a nutshell she's letting you know that he's the boss, he can do what he likes...

She's letting you know that you must put up with stuff if you want to keep him. That you are the least powerful person in the family.

With her little anecdotes, she wants you to know that you should put up or shut up.

What a fine pair they make.

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 16:06

PeaFace That sounds right to me.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 16:10

You can't build firm foundations in quicksand or mud. Your husband can't even acknowledge properly that he's fucked up. His refusal to admit he lied is a complete head-fuck for you. This is a form of emotional abuse too.

No amount of making her room pretty or good servitude will make her see you any better.

You poor poor thing. Well you're not alone -keep posting x

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 16:15

Thank you.

One of my husband's creditors has traced him to new area. He's been calling me at work! Stressful, as I have to answer my telephone and cannot see who's calling. I know it's illegal so will have to mention this next time he calls.

I feel my heart racing. Not good for a-fib. I am on meds for it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 16:17

I tell DH this and he just shrugs and says "he's not allowed to call you at work". True but DH never acknowledges how ing stressful I find this. Plus it's ing embarrassing taking calls like that at my very new job!!!

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 12/05/2017 16:18

I can't understand why you are still with him. From what you have said he will suck you dry financially and let you sink saddled with a load of his debts.

ijustwannadance · 12/05/2017 16:19

LTB

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 16:20

I think this thread should have a different title. As pps have said, it's not really about MIL at all, is it? Blush

OP posts:
NancyWake · 12/05/2017 16:21

She's an awful woman and the best thing you can do is acknowledge and stop caring what she says or does. Women are so conditioned to be sociable and people pleasing and care and try and understand.

You should do the opposite - Detach yourself from her nonsense and don't let it get to you. It doesn't matter if she thinks you're bossy or tall or need to get a hair cut, it's all completely irrelevant. Ignore everything she says.

You've got far too much on your plate to deal with to give her any head space.

PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 16:21

Not good at all Angry

Has he put any of the debts into your name? (Check your credit reports with Experian, Equifax and Callcredit /Noddle.

The house is in whose name?

eddielizzard · 12/05/2017 16:21

this is really not a good situation. yes your mil is a pita, but it's really your dh that is the problem here. doesn't sound like you can trust him, and he sure as hell doesn't have your back.

what is keeping you there?

Original poster
user18349332 · 12/05/2017 16:21

I left my first husband with (relative) ease. I don't know why I'm still here. Older? More broken? Tired of starting again? I don't know. Seem to have lost my will.

OP posts:
NancyWake · 12/05/2017 16:22

What level of debt are we talking? How long will it take to repay?