Sister upset my DD isn't named after our mum

[Confuseddragonfish]

A bit of backstory to this. Our mum died when we were kids. Sis doesn't remember much about her but idolises her. I remember more and I miss her and I love her but I remember her for who she was which was a troubled rather odd woman.

So while I was pregnant DP and I had a list of potential names for DD depending on which name suited her once she was born. We did consider my mum's name at this time but I was unsure about it.

DD was born a couple of weeks ago I had an emergency c-section and some complications so we were in hospital till 2 days ago. We decided not to use my mum's name. I don't think DD suits it anyway but mostly I want DD to have a name which isn't associated with my mum and give her, her own identity.

My sister has visited twice since DD was born. Once in the hospital with my dad, step mum and brother and once in hospital with my step mum and aunt. Both times she has been very uninterested but I put that down to her being a teenager who isn't really into babies.

Anyway my dad, step mum and siblings visited today. My sister was again uninterested. I asked her to pass me something and she shouted me to get it myself. This made DD cry. My sister said for God sake shut it up and stormed out.

I was a bit upset but the rest of us carried on like nothing had happened. The rest of the family left and then my sister came back saying she wanted an honest chat.
She told me she hates DDs name and is upset that it isn't our mum's name. I said I didn't think it suited DD but I was sorry she was upset. I also mentioned that at least this way it leaves my mum's name for my sister to use if she has kids.

My sister said that it wasn't good enough she was really upset about it. She doesn't want to use mum's name and she probably won't have kids anyway so she wanted me to carry on the name. She then told me that I had really hurt her and we couldn't recover from this. Then DD wanted feeding and she sighed and said she was leaving.

She has agreed to come and visit tomorrow to talk about it more.
I don't know how to explain it to her. I don't want DD to have mum's name but sister is so upset and I feel so guilty because I have upset her.

So AIBU to not use mum's name even though it upsets my sister so much. I don't know how to explain to her about it.

Maybe another part of it is that this is a major event in your family - the birth of a new member, hurrah! - and your sister is dealing with her sadness that your mum isn't there to share it. Therefore, your sister (consciously or not) is angry at your baby for having come into being and (to her mind) causing all this new sadness. You obviously had something to do with your baby's existence and so it's clearly your fault too. Not much you can do about it now though, really (and you wouldn't want to)!

Dragon - I just want to say I'm a bit in awe of you. I'm 20 years older than you and I'm not sure I could deal so calmly and kindly with this situation on my best day. Your sister is being really cruel to you. I know she is hurting but she is really trying to hurt you. And you've just had a baby and doubt yourself and are in a whirl or hormones. It sounds like you are down by so well. Please don't take her comments to heart.

OP, you don't have to deal with this. I say again, and echo PP, pass it back to your dad. Being a grieving 17yo is no excuse for outright cruelty. For your DD, you need to be in the best place you can be. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this - please take care of yourself and DD x

She is angry you have had a baby.
Whatever her reasons it feels as if she was just looking for something to latch onto once the baby was born to direct all her anger at and to give it a cause when in fact she may not know why she is so angry.

I agree with this, but I also wonder if this could stem from fear? She lost her mum at a young age - could she have a deep seated fear that mums die and therefore be worried that you, op, the closest thing she has had to her mum for the majority of her life, are now somehow at risk? She may be angry at you for taking what she perceives to be a risk with your life.

Ugh! Bold fail again!

contrary13 very wise words.

Confuseddragonfish well done for keeping calm.

I know this may be hard but do not see your sister alone again, if at all, until this has been resolved, and do not let her near your baby.

If she does come make sure she is accompanied by your dh or dad and that as soon as you are fed up of her fucking shit company, the other person will be responsible for physically removing her from your company and that of your precious dd. If that doesn't work out ring the bell and ask the nurses to have her removed.

I think, as I said yesterday, she is either manipulative or mentally ill.

Your dad needs to step up and get her out of your face. You need to put this behind you now and accept until she can move beyond this you cannot see her alone.

KurriKurri is right "I wouldn't want that kind of anger and viciousness round my child."

Holy fucking shit Confused

I just don't have the words. Well, I do actually, but they are not exactly pleasant about your sister.

You have handled this with grace at a time when you would be perfectly entitled to go nuclear. However, I don't believe that you should consider contact until she has offered a grovelling apology.

I also completely and utterly agree with Kurri. I would not want my child to be exposed to that.

How very upsetting. Really, really sorry you are facing this at this moment.

It isn't about you, it isn't anything you have done. Your sister sounds very distressed. Is she at school or college? I wonder if your Dad can encourage her to get some help through the counselling service there?

Meanwhile, Congratulations on the birth of your lovely baby.

'The birth of your daughter has just brought home to your sister even more what she's been missing in not having her mum around. She's young and upset and it's probably not really about the name at all. I would reassure her that you miss your mum a lot too and just give her a shoulder to cry on.'

Agree with this

Sorry just read your other reply. She really does sound like she's in a bad place. Definitely could do with a visit to go/councilling?
I'm sure you could do without it at the mo. Congratulations on your DD

I've had similar - my DB has much more positive memories of our DM than I do and chose to use her name for his own DD.

I was glad that I had a boy so didn't have the expectation of having the name in there somewhere.

However hard it is for your DS, you have also lost your DM and it is up to you how you remember her. If you don't want to use her name, don't.

All i can say is "wow" you are an amazingly calm and kind person.
Your sister doesn't deserve you.
Keep your distance, give her space to sort herself out. You need to focus on yourself, your dh and baby now. Your sister isn't alone, she has your df and stepmum. She will be ok. I am struggling to understand why your whole family tolerates her behaviour. She is 17, not 8 !

Right listen to me for the love of god - this is supposed to be a happy lovely time - you are supposed to be snuggling with your baby. I know you feel a sense of responsibility to this girl but she is being vile. Distance yourself and enjoy your beautiful baby

OP please tell us your father is now dealing with your sister.

You describe a 'troubled' relationship with your mum. Could it be your mum and sister share the sane type of narcissistic personally or same type of mental illness? I think it is is time to *temporarily' remove yourself and your baby from your sister. She may be grieving but this is not normal or safe behaviour on my view.

All the adults in your life should be putting you first and keeping you safe from this poisonous behaviour from your nearly adult sister.

OP firstly Congratulations
I think the way you are dealing with your Sister is amazing considering the provocation.
I lost my mother as a teenager and it did leave me with a massive chip on my shoulder for quite a while. I felt the world was an unfair place and that everyone owed me. I didn't really have the maturity to deal with my feelings until I was in my twenties.
So I can see why your DSis might be reacting the way she is. However your DF and other family members should be dealing with this and shielding you from DSis's emotional shitstorm. Who is supporting you? You are also going through a major life event that will bring the loss of your DM into sharp focus. I really think other adult family members need to step in and support you and your DSis right now.

Sorry to read your update OP. The best thing to do now is let your sister get on with it and work out her own feelings. You've done as much as you can and you've let her know that you're there in the future if she wants to. Perhaps it's time she struck out on her own and learned the error of her ways.

You couldn't have handled the situation any better and you're going to be a fantastic mum

What a massive drama queen your sister is, OP .

It's one thing the birth of your baby stirring up feelings in your sister about your mum, but her pre-meditated spitefulness is something else.

There's really nothing you can do, but distance yourself until your sister grows up.

Just concentrate on enjoying your baby now and getting to know her.

You've handled it beautifully, Confused.

Not sure I could have remained so calm. The only ugliness in the room was coming from your sister, who appears to be in a very bad place.

I hope your dad can help her. She clearly needs help.

OP you are amazing. 21 years old, traumatic childhood, brand new baby, no mum to help you, dealing with this situation without blowing up. Your new baby is so, so lucky to have a mother like you.
Please speak to your dad and tell him he needs to step up and actually parent your sister right now so that you can get on with looking after your newborn.

Agree. Your dad needs to step in here. You're dealing with this amazingly, but you've just had a baby, it's an emotional rollercoaster at the best of times, you need him to have your back (and your sister needs a good smacked bottom!).

OP any news?

Don't keep trying to explain. She uses those opportunities to attack you, instead. If she really wanted to be reassured, she would have tried, but no, she's going to use all opportunities to punish you, for whatever reason.