Sister upset my DD isn't named after our mum

[Confuseddragonfish]

A bit of backstory to this. Our mum died when we were kids. Sis doesn't remember much about her but idolises her. I remember more and I miss her and I love her but I remember her for who she was which was a troubled rather odd woman.

So while I was pregnant DP and I had a list of potential names for DD depending on which name suited her once she was born. We did consider my mum's name at this time but I was unsure about it.

DD was born a couple of weeks ago I had an emergency c-section and some complications so we were in hospital till 2 days ago. We decided not to use my mum's name. I don't think DD suits it anyway but mostly I want DD to have a name which isn't associated with my mum and give her, her own identity.

My sister has visited twice since DD was born. Once in the hospital with my dad, step mum and brother and once in hospital with my step mum and aunt. Both times she has been very uninterested but I put that down to her being a teenager who isn't really into babies.

Anyway my dad, step mum and siblings visited today. My sister was again uninterested. I asked her to pass me something and she shouted me to get it myself. This made DD cry. My sister said for God sake shut it up and stormed out.

I was a bit upset but the rest of us carried on like nothing had happened. The rest of the family left and then my sister came back saying she wanted an honest chat.
She told me she hates DDs name and is upset that it isn't our mum's name. I said I didn't think it suited DD but I was sorry she was upset. I also mentioned that at least this way it leaves my mum's name for my sister to use if she has kids.

My sister said that it wasn't good enough she was really upset about it. She doesn't want to use mum's name and she probably won't have kids anyway so she wanted me to carry on the name. She then told me that I had really hurt her and we couldn't recover from this. Then DD wanted feeding and she sighed and said she was leaving.

She has agreed to come and visit tomorrow to talk about it more.
I don't know how to explain it to her. I don't want DD to have mum's name but sister is so upset and I feel so guilty because I have upset her.

So AIBU to not use mum's name even though it upsets my sister so much. I don't know how to explain to her about it.

when she comes today, turn it round back on to her:

• "you upset me yesterday. it is our daughter, we have chosen her name"
• "this is a special time for us and all our extended family, don't ruin it"
• "i've just had a baby. i really need your love and support, not this"
• "this is your niece. you're a very important person in her life. your first visit you shouted 'shut it up' to her!"

don't let her behave like this, don't pander to her!

My mum died whilst I was pregnant and in some ways, the fact that my twins were both boys just removed the pressure to somehow remember her through them.

Your sister is being a stroppy teenager and if anything is going to damage your relationship it's her behaviour and not your dd's name!

Congratulations on the baby. I hope she comes round and stops stropping soon.

Also totally agree with nocampinghere. That's very good advice.

Whilst I'm completely astounded by your sister's reaction (and actually agree with several other posters in that she is behaving like a total spoiled brat over something which, really, is nothing to do with her whatsoever as your baby's name is a decision that only you and her father had the right to make!), I want to tell you something that might help you to explain the reasoning behind your choice to her.

When my father was born, many, many moons ago, his 7 year old uncle had just died. We'll call the uncle 'Geoff' (not his real name!). My grandmother ('Mary') was very young and newly married to 'Geoff's older brother at that point, in a time where everyone was still in the mindset of tradition and doing what you were told by your parents/in-laws. My great-grandmother, 'Rebecca', announced on the day that my father was born and turned out to be a boy that he would, of course be named 'Geoff' in honour of her dead son. She was quite adamant about this fact, apparently. It was tradition (which in our culture, it sort of is...). 'Mary' stood her ground, though. At 18 years old, hormones racing through her body in the aftermath of giving birth to her first child, she squared up to 'Rebecca' and firmly said that she and his father had decided to call their baby 'Andrew'. There was to be no arguing about it, that it was their choice to make as his parents, and that they had made up their minds.

'Rebecca' muttered about this for a few days, apparently, until 'Mary' took her to one side and very gently said that whilst they understood her determination to have her own way in the naming of their child - a member of her extended family, which is probably why she felt that she had the right to exert her will over them - they had decided to break with tradition so that whenever anyone called their son, it would not be a permanent stab of grief to 'Rebecca', her husbands, her other children's hearts. 'Mary' said that she had considered using 'Geoff's name... but understood two things, that perhaps 'Rebecca' hadn't considered: it would hurt like hell to be constantly reminded of the loss of her youngest child, and that 'Andrew' had the right to grow into his own self without the weight of his dead uncle looming over him.

Perhaps telling your sister what my grandmother told her mother-in-law might help?

'Rebecca' did grow to understand over time, and she loved my father very much - grief does funny things to people, we all grieve differently, and there is literally no time scale to how long it's going to last/when it's going to strike. I still grieve the loss of 'Mary', for example, and she's been dead for 15 years.

Perhaps, one day, your baby will have a daughter of her own and bestow your mother's name upon her? My son's middle name is that of my late great-uncle 'Geoff' - in part to honour him, but also as a way of honouring the way in which 'Mary' stood up to 'Rebecca'.

Good luck, OP, and congratulations on your little girl. May she live the very happiest of lives, and have an aunt who dotes on her as she grows up...

Congratulations!! This is a special time for you, don't let your sister spoil it for you. You both lost your mother not just her and she needs to grow up. You don't need to be horrible to her or upset her but just make it clear this was your and your partners decision and its not her choice to make. If you give in to her now you'll be doing it forever. Enjoy your little bundle.

Ask you sister to talk to her counsellor and break it down

Congratulations OP

Your sister needs to understand that it's not her decision what your baby is called. She is being a stroppy teenager and I would honestly not entertain her tantrum at all. I would ask your DF to talk to her about it. I understand the loss of your mother obviously had a big impact on her but at 17 its time she grows up and acts more maturely.

you clearly werent close to your mum going by your op that she was an odd woman-dontbe bullied into naming your baby something you dont want to beecause of an idealised version your dsis has of your late dm

Family members, my ex included made the first year of my first child's life one of the most difficult years of my life, and I have had a pretty interesting life.
It can be hard to see the difference at first between putting yourself and your children first vs being selfish and unsaportive of certain people (because that's what they make you feel you are doing). But honestly some things like this that happen might stay with you for years/forever but be forgotten by the other person.

For example if you did use your mother's name against your own wishes, then in a few years time your sister no longer feels the same way and doesn't mind or even had her own dd and gets mad because you took the name even though you didn't want it meaning she can no longer use it.
You can't predict how people will change/feel but you should always first be asking yourself how do I feel, and go from there.
You will never get this time again so please you don't need to be rude to your sister but realistically your daughter is now your priority. For me "shut it up" would be unacceptable and I would not be able to have that attitude as the start of their relationship.
I'm sorry you are in this position and congratulations on your baby x

Your sister is very young and this is a big life changing event for your whole family. Yes, she is wrong and childish about this but this may well be because she is not fully adult herself.
Your priority is yourself and your baby. Naturally giving birth without your mum being around will have resonances for you . There is no quick solution here in my view.
Your sister is obviously wrong, she needs a bit of support; that's not your job. Congratulations on your new baby.

There is a lot of grief there, but what your sister is doing is just a teenage tantrum. Least said soonest mended. She'll seen soon enough how daft she was.

I have RTFT and agree about trauma/counselling etc. whilst not giving in to her in the slightest.

However - one thing stood out for me and I'm sure I'm being melodramatic here, but I personally wouldn't leave her alone with your baby. " Shut it up" is a horrible, callous thing to say. No babysitting, no leaving her alone with baby until she sees her as her niece and not 'it'.

Congratulations op. Yanbu.
Your sister sounds like hard work and very unpleasant. She may be young and feeling all sorts of emotions but that is not an excuse to speak to you the way she did.

Of course you are right op.

I disagree your dsis is a spoilt brat she's a 17 year old who is clearly jealous of the baby having your first affection now as you have been her 'mum figure' she's confused and frightened of loosing you.

Can you involve your step mum to help reassure her?

and of course you can't put up with nonsense like this but it's nothing to do with her name.

She will come round op don't make a big deal of it.

"I was a bit upset but the rest of us carried on like nothing had happened."
Congratulations on your new baby x
YANBU sounds like "the rest of us" should step up to the plate, take the pressure off you and let her know that her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. .
My mum died before my daughter was born and I never thought it would get to me but it did. Sorry for your loss. I would never have called her after my mum either, it would be too much of a constant reminder.
Perhaps another family member can discuss the name issue with her, instead of you being put under pressure about it. Maybe ask one of them to organise grief counselling for her.

Perhaps you could ask your relatives to step in and shield you from your little sister for a while - you've been through a lot and really don't need the stress she will be causing you. You need some peaceful time to bond and nurture your new baby and recover from the surgery, and you might struggle if you have your sister's odd feelings to deal with on top of that.

(FWIW I lost my father at a young age: knowing that he was a kind, generous person and devoted, hands-on dad makes my lack of memories of him more painful - coupled to the fact that we got an abusive, nasty stepfather instead. Our lives would have been very different if DF had not died. It never occurred to me that my DB should have named his ds after our dad, and I wouldn't have behaved so appallingly even if it had. The parents' choice completely.)

just to add, reading back, I don't think that being a teenager excuses her behaviour, having a go at someone actually still in a hospital bed who has just had all the worry of an emcs op and then returning when the others have gone to have another go and say there's no coming back from this and refer to the new baby as "it." I know plenty of teenagers who would never behave like that. Also people who have been bereaved who would'nt do that either. She has anger/behaviour issues that need to be addressed.

My sister came round today I explained to her that I loved her and she would always be my sister and nothing would change that. But that I couldn't name DD after our mum.
I explained that I wanted DD to have her own name because she is her own person. Just like our mum was her own special person who can't be replaced.

Sister was pretty quiet at first and just listened to me talk. Eventually she said that she just wanted me to understand that I should have given DD mum's name because it was my duty to honour mum in that way. I told her I just couldn't do it and explained why again.

Then DD started crying so I changed her and but her back to sleep and sister was quiet the whole time. I finished and asked her what she was thinking about. She said she had decided that actually she was glad that I hadn't named DD after my mum because DD is ugly. I told her that I didn't think DD was ugly but that it didn't really matter because DD will change so much as she gets older.
Sister then went on this rant about how awful I am and what shit mum I will be and she said some really horrible things. I kept asking her to leave but she wouldn't go. She kept saying that I didn't deserve a family and a partner who loved me.

She then said that she was the only one who loved our mum and I would never understand. I tried to explain to her that I did understand that I loved our mum too and that I would always be there for my sister no matter what.

Sister stormed out, and then she sent a text to my DP telling him a big secret about me which she obviously thought he didn't know. (I had told him already so there was no real harm done but she didn't know that).
She has also been posting a load of stuff on Facebook about ungrateful family members and that if people knew what she knows then they would just do as she says.
We have just ignored her. But I have text my dad and told him I was worried about her. He said he would look into it but I don't think it will do much good at this point.

The best thing you can do is give her some time and space.

Oh dear that sounds really hard op, and I think you've handled it as well as possible. However, I am just going to repeat a bit from my post earlier as I think from this update that it's definitely relevant.

......the non-use of your mum's name is an unavoidable reminder to your sister that you don't buy into the myth of 'our perfect mum' which she has created for herself, and so she's lashing out at you.

It sounds like you've destabilised her world to quite a considerable degree by not toeing what she views as the appropriate line of respect here., and she is desperately seeking to hurt you in response. I agree with others who've said that she desperately needs to see a counsellor; being this invested in maintaining how wonderful your mum was (a fiction, as you've said) is clearly a very big part of her life. She needs to get away from that and work out who she is, independent of her (fictional sainted) mother.

As I said, DSis and I had a bit of this; I still think worse of our DM than she does, but DSis does at least acknowledge that our treatment was different and that DM was an oddball. Your sister needs to work on that I think.

You are handling this very kindly I think

OP you are dealing with this all so patiently and I admire you for that.

I agree she needs counselling but I don't think you should enable her behaviour towards you any longer and I would be keeping my distance for a while. You have explained again and again why you didn't choose the name, how you love her and will always be there for her etc. She is old enough to at least have a little bit of understanding and compassion towards you.

Her telling your husband something secretive is a step too far, thankfully he already knew but if he didn't it could of potentially caused a massive issue in your marriage during an already stressful time. Her comments and behaviour have been utterly vile especially as you have been so calm, loving and understanding.

I know you love your sister but please be kind to yourself, you are dealing with the loss as well, you have feelings too and they matter. You have done all you can for her and reached out, the ball is in her court now.

Well done for standing your ground in a firm but kind way, and I am sorry that your sister has been so unkind and unpleasant towards you and your lovely dd.

The author, Charlie Taylor, talks of the way that teenagers' brains rewire during adolescence, and how thy can lose some abilities - like self-control, empathy, a sense of proportion - whilst that rewiring happens. He described it as almost a form of temporary brain damage - but it is temporary, and when things settle down, these abilities usually return.

I wonder if your sister is going through this, and it is exacerbating the emotional turmoil caused by losing your mum, and the big change that has happened in your life, with the arrival of dd? You say you had a traumatic birth - maybe that scared her - she thought she might have lost you too, and she is reacting to that?

None of this makes her bad behaviour acceptable - but it might help you cope, if you understand why she's acting out so much. Being kind but firm is the best way to deal with this - it isn't easy, as I know from seeing all three of my dses through these years (and we didn't have any of the extra challenges you are facing, with the loss of your mum, and a new baby). There were times, especially with ds3, when I wasn't sure we'd make it, but we did, and they are all loving, kind young men.

17 years from now, you will have a gorgeous, challenging, amazing teenager of your own and you will cope better with her teenage years because of the practice you are getting now!

I'm interested in the dynamic here where you have become responsible for the emotional well being of your sister, despite the fact that you both have a Father and a Step-Mum on the scene. Why isn't your Dad getting involved? Why did your SM sit by and let her storm out and shout at you during the first visit? Why are you being expected to behave as the surrogate parent?

Your sister needs patience and boundaries. I don't disagree that you having your DD (congrats BTW!) has stirred up all sorts of emotions and memories for her, but it's curious how the responsibility to mediate and protect her feelings has fallen to you.

The reason why I'm emphasising this point is because your sister's issues will not be resolved unless she has the support and boundaries of her bona fide parental figures. As a PP has said, her issue at the moment is your DD's name - but guaranteed if you'd used the name, she would have found another issue or problem and used that as an excuse to lash out. She needs the emotional grounding of her family - including but not limited to you. Why on earth aren't your DF and SM stepping up here?

She is talking about your Mum's name, but part of me is wondering if you had used your Mum's name, would she have found another stick to beat you with?
She is angry you have had a baby.
Whatever her reasons it feels as if she was just looking for something to latch onto once the baby was born to direct all her anger at and to give it a cause when in fact she may not know why she is so angry.
I wouldn't want that kind of anger and viciousness round my child.

I've just been thinking what Pauldacre said. I too remember your other thread and your sister does come across quite spoilt and immature. I think she can be those things as well as a grieving teenager btw.

It occurs to me that being the youngest (of the bereaved children) a dynamic has maybe evolved over the years where, in an effort to "make up for" her loss, you and your dad have indulged behaviours that just aren't good for her in the long term. She now seems to believe she has the right to say or do whatever she wants, making very unreasonable demands and verbally lashing out when she doesn't get her way.

Yes she's young but actually Op so are you! Of course you love her and don't want to turn your back on her but I think you should take some time to examine the relationship as it is versus what you'd like it to be. She's almost an adult and you are a young, first time mum. For your own sake you need to set some behavioural boundaries and decide what you will and won't accept from her. You can be supportive and loving without being her whipping boy.