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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister upset my DD isn't named after our mum

174 replies

Confuseddragonfish · 11/05/2017 22:11

A bit of backstory to this. Our mum died when we were kids. Sis doesn't remember much about her but idolises her. I remember more and I miss her and I love her but I remember her for who she was which was a troubled rather odd woman.

So while I was pregnant DP and I had a list of potential names for DD depending on which name suited her once she was born. We did consider my mum's name at this time but I was unsure about it.

DD was born a couple of weeks ago I had an emergency c-section and some complications so we were in hospital till 2 days ago. We decided not to use my mum's name. I don't think DD suits it anyway but mostly I want DD to have a name which isn't associated with my mum and give her, her own identity.

My sister has visited twice since DD was born. Once in the hospital with my dad, step mum and brother and once in hospital with my step mum and aunt. Both times she has been very uninterested but I put that down to her being a teenager who isn't really into babies.

Anyway my dad, step mum and siblings visited today. My sister was again uninterested. I asked her to pass me something and she shouted me to get it myself. This made DD cry. My sister said for God sake shut it up and stormed out.

I was a bit upset but the rest of us carried on like nothing had happened. The rest of the family left and then my sister came back saying she wanted an honest chat.
She told me she hates DDs name and is upset that it isn't our mum's name. I said I didn't think it suited DD but I was sorry she was upset. I also mentioned that at least this way it leaves my mum's name for my sister to use if she has kids.

My sister said that it wasn't good enough she was really upset about it. She doesn't want to use mum's name and she probably won't have kids anyway so she wanted me to carry on the name. She then told me that I had really hurt her and we couldn't recover from this. Then DD wanted feeding and she sighed and said she was leaving.

She has agreed to come and visit tomorrow to talk about it more.
I don't know how to explain it to her. I don't want DD to have mum's name but sister is so upset and I feel so guilty because I have upset her.

So AIBU to not use mum's name even though it upsets my sister so much. I don't know how to explain to her about it.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/05/2017 08:06

I think your sister is struggling for all the reasons listed above. However, the non-use of your mum's name is an unavoidable reminder to your sister that you don't buy into the myth of 'our perfect mum' which she has created for herself, and so she's lashing out at you. My sister and I had this to an extent (she was the favoured one too).

You've done nothing wrong, but I'd be gentle with her (while standing firm on the name). She knows the truth really about your mum; she just doesn't want to admit it to herself.

user1483387154 · 12/05/2017 08:15

She is being childish and hurtful.

confusedat23 · 12/05/2017 08:26

Hey OP

I am not going to comment on whether your sister is still Grieving your DM or whether as you remember DM and she doesn't she thought you ought to use the name as opposed to her.

You need to tell your little sister that she needs to be the rolemodel and aunty that you thought she would be. Rather than being jealous/nasty towards the baby she needs to step up and help you raise DD in the way that your DM would have helped if she was still here. I think that would help them bond and build bridges together as opposed to shutting your sister out for her bad attitude. After all it sounds like for the most part it was you and her against the world... now you have just become a 3some against the world rathe rthan a pair.

You will get through this together OP Flowers

xx

SheRasBra · 12/05/2017 08:28

Congratulations OP Flowers

This should be a one of the best times of your life. Could your Dad and Stepmum not speak to her about this? Did they say anything when she had her little outburst? If not, it does sound as if she is allowed to throw her weight around a bit too much.

Really, don't take this on. You told her she could use your mum's name if she wished. She says she doesn't want to but insists that you do?!

This is beyond unreasonable. Just don't engage with her over this unless it's to set out very firmly that you don't want to use that name and don't want to talk about it any more.

metalmum15 · 12/05/2017 08:29

YANBU. Your child deserves to have her own name and identity. It's a nice idea to be named after someone's memory, but at the end of the day, it's your child, your choice.

Garlicansapphire · 12/05/2017 08:34

I think you should get your Dad to talk to her sternly. He should tell her she is being unreasonable, childish and unkind. She's 17 FFS!

You don't need this rubbish when you have a brand new baby. I would be hurt by her behaviour towards you and the baby - she's not celebrating the life of your child just making a fuss and making it all about her. Its a lovely new life, and member of the family, who deserves love and care. Not some token gesture - like naming a ship.

SoulAccount · 12/05/2017 08:44

Possibly her Dad speaking to her sternly and telling her how she should feel about every new development that she feels push her security ever further away is the part cause of this.
Feel a new woman supplants Mum? Grow up and show respect!
Feel new baby siblings replace you as the priority for your Dad?
Grow up and act your age!
Feel the loss of your own Mum, watching your younger siblings grow up with both parents?
Behave, you are a trouble maker.
See your big sister consumed with love for her new baby?
Get a grip, fuck off, etc etc.(MN), stern talking to about how wrong your feelings are...

I have seen all this happen.

brasty · 12/05/2017 08:56

Don't know if anyone has suggested this already, but you could offer to give your DD your mums name as her middle name. Many families do this with family names. Middle names really don't matter anyway, but it might help?

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 12/05/2017 08:57

OP, I understand you don't want to hurt her. So pass this back to your dad. You also lost your mum young. This is not the time to try and sort out your sister's grief or confusion. Asking your dad to deal with it is y been harsh - he's her actual parent, yours too. I know your an adult with a child but he's your parent too and should want to make this time easy for you.

Congrats and I'm sure your DD has a beautiful name Flowers

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 12/05/2017 08:57

Isn't not is y

QuietCorday · 12/05/2017 08:58

Telling a teenager with major grief issues to fuck off, my baby is sooo important you should just go away and grow up, do you really think that's the way to deal with it?

But the question here, a question that is so resonant for so many considerate women, is the extent to which you put aside your own difficulties, problems, life transitions, health, healing, trauma, and feelings to support and essentially "intensively mother" someone that is not your own child.

The Op has just had her first child. She is recovering from a emcs. This is a complex time of change and transition.

It is unreasonable for people to expect that, at this point, she put that to one side to devote time and thought to sorting out her sister's issues (as she already feels she must, and has asked for her sister to discuss the matter with her today).

Her sister's attitude and behaviour has hijacked the op's thoughts at a crucial time of change for the op when her thoughts and energy should be about herself, her child and her partner.

Why should women always be expected to efface themselves for others? Yes, the sister is only 17, but the op was once 17 without a mother too and she didn't have an older sister to bounce her feelings and anger off.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 12/05/2017 09:02

Incidentally, I'm named after my mums dead uncle and dads best friend (unisex name though more of a mans name). Grandmas middle name is my middle name. I hate it sometimes. I love my name and it's mine but it's also not. Add to that being constantly told how alike my mother and all that side of the family I look so leave me feeling like no one sees ME - I'm not an original I'm a mish mash of other people. So while not everyone feels that way I think it's fair enough not to name your dd after someone.

PocketNiffler · 12/05/2017 09:02

"I don't know if she sees me as a substitute mum. But we used to be very close as sisters. Having said that we have only really drifted apart because she has been pushing me away more."

I've been reading Motherless Daughters at the moment and this stood out to me. The fact she is pushing you away at her age shows that you are on some level her substitute mum, even if she doesn't realise it. I would go with the approach of reassuring her that your love is unconditional but her behaviour is unacceptable.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/05/2017 09:04

Of course you shouldn't name your DD after your mum.
But I feel really sorry for your sister. I don't mean you should pander to her but she is obviously full of hurt, feeling the loss of her closeness with you, still in pain over not having a mum. Seventeen is so young. All seventeen year olds are unreasonable! She is trying to express her sadness and loss to you - in an absurd way. Stick with your DD's name but reach out to your sis and try to let her know you still love her.

WhooooAmI24601 · 12/05/2017 09:05

brasty It's a nice idea giving her DD her Mum's middle name but if she's chosen not to use it, why should she back down? Do her Sister's feelings count more than her own? Does her Sister's grief trump the OP's own?

OP I hope you stick to the names you've given your DD. As others have said your Sister is probably grieving for many losses all in one, but her feelings and needs don't and won't ever trump yours especially now that you have a child. When I became a Mother my family unit shifted from my parents and siblings to my children, partner and I. My parents and siblings are tremendously important, of course, but my unit, my world belongs to these people who've lived in me. Your sister probably feels the loss of that unit, too. Let her grieve. Let her feel that loss and when she's ready to cool her jets let her get to know your DD. Flowers

lougle · 12/05/2017 09:11

Perhaps you need to ignore the name thing when you see her and tell her how much you want to spend time together, and that you don't want you being a Mum to change stop you being close to her? Just reassure her that she is still important to you.

NavyandWhite · 12/05/2017 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiversrunWoodville · 12/05/2017 09:18

I think that perhaps you have had to grow up a lot faster than you would have and in a way she probably does look up to you/see you as a surrogate mum and probably had always assumed that because of that (plus you were older) you would use your mums name. (Of course there's no reason you should but this is in her logic because she was so young when your mum died) That could be why she wasn't planning it and at 17 I didn't ever imagine having kids (thankfully I was wrong!). You sound lovely op and congratulations on the birth of dd Flowers

OnceYouAreReal · 12/05/2017 09:20

You can be gentle but firm with her.

Tell her that you've put thought into naming your DD and your choice is final. Explain she has no right to dictate what you've picked and that you won't tolerate any drama over it.

Just tell you hope she comes to terms with it and doesn't let it colour her role as Auntie but that you will not entertain any more discussions about it from this point on. Make it clear it's her issue and down to her to go away and figure it out by herself.

sashh · 12/05/2017 09:24

Your Dsis doesn't actually know she's not going to have kids if she's still a teenager.

|I did.

Call your baby moonunit if you want, your sis has no say in what you call her, it is up to you and baby's dad.

If it is about the name, one of my friends added her grans name to her own, your sis could do that.

She's probably feeling a bit put out as she is no longer the baby of the family, even if she doesn't realise it.

Intransige · 12/05/2017 09:25

You could tell her that because your daughter will grow up to be her own person you didn't want to give her your mum's name as it would change the memory of your mum and you want to keep those memories precious and whole without muddying them?

iseenodust · 12/05/2017 09:32

Congrats flowers

I would say to your sister that your mum's name carries lots of memories for all of you (including your father). You and your DH have chosen a name that you love, feels right and you are not going to change it.

haveacupoftea · 12/05/2017 09:42

I agree with you that it probably isn't about the name. My sister and I grew up with an 'us against the world' type bond and went through a lot together including our father dying.

When she had her first baby nothing could have prepared me for how suddenly sad and left out I felt! She was my special family member and I lost her to this new family. She had changed status- become a mother - and we would never have our special bond again!

Of course she was devoted to her baby and I didn't see her much for the first few months but I gradually realised she is still the same person and needs me more than ever. Our bond is stronger than it ever was.

I was older than your sister then too - in my twenties. Of course I didn't say anything but that's the difference between teenagers and adults. I think just reassure her that you are still the same person and as the weeks go by she will realise she hasn't lost you and everything is ok.

pistachioandhoney · 12/05/2017 09:54

At the end of the day, you have just had a baby and need rest and a stress free time to bond with your baby. Your newborn is your priority and your DSis is making this special time about her.

My mother died when I was very young. Seeing nephews and nieces born made me feel a bit uneasy and left out but I just had to suck it up until I got over myself and realised I had more people to love and love me back.

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 09:59

She doesn't want to use mum's name and she probably won't have kids anyway so she wanted me to carry on the name. She then told me that I had really hurt her and we couldn't recover from this

Why is your sister such a manipulative control freak?

When she calms down, tell her you are concerned that she will be in for a miserable life if her happiness is dependent on controlling others.

Maybe she needs some counselling or something.