Sister upset my DD isn't named after our mum

[Confuseddragonfish]

A bit of backstory to this. Our mum died when we were kids. Sis doesn't remember much about her but idolises her. I remember more and I miss her and I love her but I remember her for who she was which was a troubled rather odd woman.

So while I was pregnant DP and I had a list of potential names for DD depending on which name suited her once she was born. We did consider my mum's name at this time but I was unsure about it.

DD was born a couple of weeks ago I had an emergency c-section and some complications so we were in hospital till 2 days ago. We decided not to use my mum's name. I don't think DD suits it anyway but mostly I want DD to have a name which isn't associated with my mum and give her, her own identity.

My sister has visited twice since DD was born. Once in the hospital with my dad, step mum and brother and once in hospital with my step mum and aunt. Both times she has been very uninterested but I put that down to her being a teenager who isn't really into babies.

Anyway my dad, step mum and siblings visited today. My sister was again uninterested. I asked her to pass me something and she shouted me to get it myself. This made DD cry. My sister said for God sake shut it up and stormed out.

I was a bit upset but the rest of us carried on like nothing had happened. The rest of the family left and then my sister came back saying she wanted an honest chat.
She told me she hates DDs name and is upset that it isn't our mum's name. I said I didn't think it suited DD but I was sorry she was upset. I also mentioned that at least this way it leaves my mum's name for my sister to use if she has kids.

My sister said that it wasn't good enough she was really upset about it. She doesn't want to use mum's name and she probably won't have kids anyway so she wanted me to carry on the name. She then told me that I had really hurt her and we couldn't recover from this. Then DD wanted feeding and she sighed and said she was leaving.

She has agreed to come and visit tomorrow to talk about it more.
I don't know how to explain it to her. I don't want DD to have mum's name but sister is so upset and I feel so guilty because I have upset her.

So AIBU to not use mum's name even though it upsets my sister so much. I don't know how to explain to her about it.

I'm inclined to agree with lela and suspect this isn't actually about the name. If you are her big sister and the only link to her mum then it might be difficult for her to see you drifting apart and having a separate life from her, especially if she sees you as the last "link" and doesn't remember the reality of your mum's personality in the same way. Seeing your sister having a baby and going with your stepmum to visit, rather than your birth mother, might be tough for her too.
Grief is a funny and difficult thing, especially for people who have lost a patent as a child, and I think several of the posters above have been really quite unpleasant in their responses. She's still young, still a teenager and still full of hormones. I suspect she'll realise how unreasonable she is being in time.

Sounds like she's having a hard time. Her distress is making her behave unreasonably.

It might help her if you declined to take on board the shit she's offering, but just cut to concern as to what's going on for her. She is acting like someone in pain.But only if you feel able.

On the other hand, this is a special time for you, and if you don't feel ok with being around someone whose distress is making her rude and unreasonable, just say so. Tell her you don't want to fall out, so will only see her when she can compose herself enough to be polite and pleasant.

2 days out of hospital after what sounds like a difficult birth and your sister is pulling this crap?! She's 17, not a child and needs to grow up and be less selfish.

I cannot imagine how awful it would be losing your mum at such a young age and I do feel for her, but I really don't think it's fair to hide behind that to be so rude and inconsiderate to you. You lost your mum as well and after having a baby is a time when family should be supporting you.

I also think that when she shouted at your baby and stormed out your dad should have gone and spoken to her. I know if I'd behaved like that towards my sister and niece my dad would have been telling me very clearly that I should be in there with an apology.

Congratulations on the birth of your DD. I'm sure the name you've chosen for her is lovely.

She doesn't want to use mum's name and she probably won't have kids anyway so she wanted me to carry on the name

Is she always so self centred?
She needs to grow up.

She cannot dictate your baby's name, it wouldn't fly with adults let alone a child - which she is.

If she is genuinely upset about the name then she has the option to name her own dc in due course - not your fault if she chooses not to have any.

Her other option is much simpler - change her own name by deed poll to reflect her mums memory - no big deal adding a middle name is it?

Do you think she might be feeling jealous and insecure but using the name as an excuse?
So far her actions suggest it's the baby's presence itself she has an issue with......not liking the name doesn't stop you from drooling over a newborn, or being happy for you.

your dynamic has changed, before it was you and her against the world - now it's you and baby - and then her.
That could be how she's thinking/feeling.
Perhaps she's looking for reassurance, that she hasn't been 'abandoned' or 'pushed out' now that you've got your own baby.

has she ever had any counselling to help her process the loss of her biological mum?
I'm just thinking how i'd feel in her shoes - like i was grieving without knowing exactly what i was grieving for.
Sadly, she couldn't get to know her own mum so it's understandable that she's created an idealised image of her.

I'd stay firm with the name, though perhaps you could use it as an extra middle name for dc instead as a compromise?

I don't want to be to harsh with my sister. I love her and I don't want to hurt her.

She doesn't want to use mum's name

Why is it ok for her to not have to use it?!

your baby and you call her what you want

i had a baby 6w ago

df mum and my mum are both sadly dead

wedidnt want to call dd after themforfirst name as 1) who would we choose 2) want dd to have own identity

but

do have both their names as dd middle names

could this be a compromise

if you want one?

She's 17 and having a tantrum. I wouldn't entertain the situation any further. She needs to understand that this is your time with your newborn baby and not about her and her feelings. Be firm now otherwise this could drag on and on.

Hopefully she'll look back in a few years and cringe at herself.

SiouxieQ "You need to stop pandering to her bull shit. Harsh but you're teaching her she can manipulate people by throwing her toys out of the pram if things don't go her way."
I do agree with this. Capitulating to your sister's tantrum would be a huge mistake. I don't know if she's grieving for your mother still, you would know better than anyone else. But it is just as possible that she is 17 and being that supremely selfish self-absorbed drama llama that only a teenager can manage to be, and in five years time she would laugh and be embarrassed about all this.

And having just given birth, you may be too responsive to her hurtful behaviour. Please don't name your daughter after your mother as a response to your sister's cruelty.

Why is it ok for your sister not to use the name but for her to expect you to?
Since when do Auties get to dictate what parents name their child?

You might not want to be harsh with her, but you do need to be firm and not pander to her. Point out the lack of logic and entitlement - her expectations are very unreasonable

She's 17. She's still very young and presumably the birth of your DD has been a big change for her in terms of her family set up.

She needs to grow up. End of.

You're not doing her any favours by allowing this nonsense. She needs to understand the boundaries of respect even within (maybe especially within) loving relationships.

It is the correct and loving thing to do to say to her kindly and firmly, 'XXX is DD's name. I'm sorry you don't like it but we love it and we chose it for our beautiful baby girl. We chose not to use mum's name for our own personal reasons. You're welcome to have a loving relationship with your niece if that's what you choose, but you need to stop your negativity right now because it's very unkind and disrespectful to me'.

Your sister is absolutely BU in demanding you name your daughter (congratulations!) your mother's name OP.

It sounds like she is 'jealous' somewhat of your daughter's arrival. Be firm but fair with her. When she comes round tomorrow say you love her to bits, but won't tolerate her being nasty. The naming of a child is the decision of the parents and nobody else.

And for those who are saying she's 17 and should know better - at 17 I was a selfish, uncooperative drama lama of huge proportions. So I'd give her some slack instead.

Hope you can sort it out OP, and in no way feel guilty

But she's 17, not 7!

There are posters on MN who had moved out and had their own young families at 17.

Come on guys, she's 17. It's a difficult enough age without having lost your Mum & now having your big sister being an actual Mum instead of her pseudo Mum. Lots going on for the poor kid.

confuseddragonfish. Congratulations on DD🍾🥂💐. I'm sorry you're having this extra stress on top of your own feelings. I think you need to muster up all your strength to be both caring & firm. Care about how she feels, but stay strong in that you want your DD to have her own identity. Try to ignore her attitude. I find it easiest if I picture the person as the little girl who lost her Mum.

My own mum lost her mum as a child and it does come out in odd ways. I find compassion for the small child she was helps me to be patient & understanding mostly

How much older than her are you? Could she see you as a substitute mum & is upset because the baby has taken you away? I say this as someone who had to raise my siblings - when I married and moved out of town, my youngest brother was driving two hours everyday to have dinner with me because he was struggling to cope without me around and he was in his twenties!

Can you involve her in a few baby groups when baby is a bit older? It might allow her to spend more time with you, and strengthen her bond with baby.

Has your sister ever had counselling for your mums death?

I think posters are being harsh telling her to grow up, calling her a brat etc. Losing a parent is an awful thing to go through, and all sorts of stuff can trigger the grief again. Watching you with your baby may be a hard lesson in what she's lost, eapecially if she was young and has never experienced what she sees now.

Be gentle. But stick to your guns about the name. I'd also get the poor girl some counselling.

I lost a parent young. I was a huge mess for many, many years. Still am. People would think i should be over it, but i never really processed it properly and it's always there in my mind. Some days it just pops right back up.

YANBU at all. As many PP have said you can name your DD whatever you like!

I totally get your wish for your DD to have her "own" name rather than one invested with history and tragedy. My DSIS died over ten years ago - I have a 7yo DD and would never have given her my sister's name, although it is her middle name and in fact several of my cousins with DD have done the same.

As for your DSIS, I would just leave the door open. She's said she doesn't think there's a way back from your heinous crime but that's teenage drama combined with genuine emotional turmoil and she'll get over it. If she doesn't it will be because of bigger issues than your DD's name.

Harsh responses. This girl has lost her mum and can't remember her, goodness knows what this birth has triggered in her, seeing her sister be mum. This is obviously about much more than the name. Can you please just be kind to her op.... Ignore this and be as inclusive as possible and she is a teenager as well....

I agree with Annie. Congrats on your baby, OP!
This is probably about so much more than a name. Tough for you to have to deal with your little sister as well as a newborn, but I think she needs more chats when you have the strength. Grief does make people do and say the oddest and most irrational things sometimes.
I lost my DM before I had children and I did feel very sad when they were born that she never got to meet them. DD1 has my DMs name as a middle name. Take care of yourself

Has your DSis had grief counselling? It sounds like she has a lot of issues to work through still.

Absolutely agree with JayneAusten re boundaries. Many teenagers go through a bit of a narcissistic phase (perfectly normal providing they grow out of it), so combined with grief resurfacing, jealousy that your baby dd will (rightly) take your attention, and your sister won't be the "baby" anymore, she's hitting out by behaving badly. She's also pushing boundaries to see how far she can go.

As much as you love her, you won't be doing her any favours by letting her be so rude to you and trying to dictate what you call your dd. Sometimes standing firm is the kindest thing you can do, as it reasserts your boundaries and reminds your sister what she can and can't get away with.

Don't let her dictate to you. You talk when you are ready and when dd is napping. You've had a difficult labour and a big surgery. Be kind to yourself. When you feel assertive enough to talk to her, do it firmly but kindly. You can be loving and understanding BUT also firm, reminding her that it is not her place to decide your baby's name.

And congratulations. 💐💐💐

reallyanotherone x post there and me too. I really feel for the pain this girl is in.