Sister upset my DD isn't named after our mum

[Confuseddragonfish]

A bit of backstory to this. Our mum died when we were kids. Sis doesn't remember much about her but idolises her. I remember more and I miss her and I love her but I remember her for who she was which was a troubled rather odd woman.

So while I was pregnant DP and I had a list of potential names for DD depending on which name suited her once she was born. We did consider my mum's name at this time but I was unsure about it.

DD was born a couple of weeks ago I had an emergency c-section and some complications so we were in hospital till 2 days ago. We decided not to use my mum's name. I don't think DD suits it anyway but mostly I want DD to have a name which isn't associated with my mum and give her, her own identity.

My sister has visited twice since DD was born. Once in the hospital with my dad, step mum and brother and once in hospital with my step mum and aunt. Both times she has been very uninterested but I put that down to her being a teenager who isn't really into babies.

Anyway my dad, step mum and siblings visited today. My sister was again uninterested. I asked her to pass me something and she shouted me to get it myself. This made DD cry. My sister said for God sake shut it up and stormed out.

I was a bit upset but the rest of us carried on like nothing had happened. The rest of the family left and then my sister came back saying she wanted an honest chat.
She told me she hates DDs name and is upset that it isn't our mum's name. I said I didn't think it suited DD but I was sorry she was upset. I also mentioned that at least this way it leaves my mum's name for my sister to use if she has kids.

My sister said that it wasn't good enough she was really upset about it. She doesn't want to use mum's name and she probably won't have kids anyway so she wanted me to carry on the name. She then told me that I had really hurt her and we couldn't recover from this. Then DD wanted feeding and she sighed and said she was leaving.

She has agreed to come and visit tomorrow to talk about it more.
I don't know how to explain it to her. I don't want DD to have mum's name but sister is so upset and I feel so guilty because I have upset her.

So AIBU to not use mum's name even though it upsets my sister so much. I don't know how to explain to her about it.

Kits - your memory is extremely good

Confused I'm so sorry you've been through what you have. I know it's not the done thing, but AS'd your username. You have had more than your share of shit to deal with.

At best your sister is incredibly immature. At worst she's downright nasty.

But she is not your primary concern any more. It doesn't matter what she thinks, and her tantrums (which, let's face it, don't seem to be unusual) are not your problem. Your dd is your priority now, and she will be your priority forevermore.

I think a lot of posters are forgetting that, at 21, having just had a baby, you're pretty vulnerable yourself. I'd imagine that you're feeling the loss of your mum especially now that you're a Mum too.

Please be kind to yourself. Ignore the shit - you really don't have to deal with it.

How old was she when your mother died?

She sounds extremely immature and very unreasonable but I sort of feel sorry for her. She sounds quite fragile.

Of course YANBU but you already know that don't you?

She'll probably look back in a year or so and feel very embarrassed (I hope!)x

I don't really buy it that this arises out of grief. If OP's mother died long enough ago to have left an 8 year old child but for her sister not to remember her clearly, it must have been 7-8 years ago. I know you don't necessarily fully get over this type of loss ever, but after that length of time it's highly unlikely that grief makes you behave like this. It sounds more as if she wants to be a drama queen and is latching on to her mother's death for that purpose.

Just realised that the 8 year old is OP's stepbrother. That means their mother must have died much earlier, around 13-14 years ago.

Kitsandkids - yes that was also me.

Sorry if I wasn't clear in my OP my brother is my step-mums son not my mums.
My mum died around 13 years ago.

I don't want to be to harsh with my sister. I love her and I don't want to hurt her.

This is an honourable sentiment, but you have a daughter now and this is the time when other familial relationships need to evolve and change. Your sister is no longer a primary consideration for you; the person in that spot is now your daughter. I would be concerned at the attitude displayed by your sister to your daughter and also the extremely selfish disregard that you also lost your mother and that you may feel conflicted and distressed at what that loss means to you now you have become a mother yourself.

I would suggest that you need to be cautious about how your relationship with your sister may now play out. If you do not mark firm boundaries, you could end up in a rather intolerable situation just when you are attempting to navigate your own enormous life change in becoming a mother.

I say this as someone who did not mark out boundaries of acceptable behaviour from close family members until it was too late, and the consequences were beyond a joke and the fallout beyond repair. I strongly believe that if you give an inch, some family members will take a mile ... until they expect you to treat their demands and needs as the focal point of your existence.

I know I may sound harsh here, but I listened to all the reasons for bad behaviour over the years that led up to the "final incident" (grief, illness, health problems, relationship breakdown etc) until I realised they were nothing but excuses to treat me like shit. And when I finally said "no" to it all, it was surprising just how all those supposed motivations for such appalling behaviour suddenly disappeared, along with the behaviour itself.

In short, you need to protect yourself and your daughter. You were not put on this earth to be someone else's whipping boy.

Losing a parent at a very young age,does often lead to 'idolising' this parent. Your mum is the only link between you and your Dsis...maybe as a teenager it's that 'finding yourself', wanting to know who you are phase. Your DF 'belongs' to another 'unit' now...it's you and her, preserving the memory of your mum. Dsis is at a delicate, confusing age at the moment...if you have been close and now drifted recently, then maybe she does not want to lose you. Have a chat about how she can be involved in your life again, reassurance that you have not forgotten your mum and now moved on.
With DD1 it took a long time before she 'accepted' DD2...give your Dsis time.
It's so difficult with a newborn as you are constantly doing something, add hormones to this and you will feel guilty of neglecting Dsis, the fact you are posting shows that you care and are trying to resolve things...do the best you can :)
As for the name, if you have not chosen a middle name could it be the same initial as your mum's name? Start a tradition together, you and Dsis? Naming somebody after a relative then when you say 'X has pooed herself' or 'X is a right pain' it just seems 'wrong' ...or is that just me😳
Look after yourself and know that You and DC come first, do what you think is best! Wish you luck 💐

Of course you're not being unreasonable, OP.

Losing a parent at a young age will impact you into adulthood so I wouldn't be too harsh on your sister. She might fear that your mother is being forgotten whilst everyone is moving in with their lives.
Do you do something as a family to remember her? Does she.
I remember when I was a little older than your sister I would visit my dad's grave to talk to him after I hadn't really felt the need for years (He died when I was six). I think this age between childhood and becoming an adult brings the loss back sharper into focus.
I may be way off here, but maybe if you help your sister connect with her memory of your mum she will find it either.
Btw I also remember (around the same age) getting very upset about a decision my mum made wrt my dad and I really don't think it's brattishness. Stand by your decision but great your sister with kindness.

Please please prioritise yourself and your baby here and - irrespecitve of her confused grief or otherwise - absolutely set uber firm and clear boundaries (which would include the fact that calling your baby 'it' and telling you to 'shut it up' is beyond not okay in any situation).

She HAS a parent - your Dad. Your DD has a parent - you. And a you that also lost your Mother young, has just had major surgery, and just become a first time Mother. Absolutely speak to her if you think it will make a difference but that conversation HAS to include things like boundaries and respect irrespective of what she (or any of us) thinks.

Congratulations on the birth of DD

ShakingAndShocked and is 100% correct here, great post.

Tiger " and I felt hurt on her dead DM's behalf that she did not name the baby after her." I find that a really odd response

Italian I did say that it was totally irrational and I agree it is odd. But it is how I felt and still do, every time I look at the baby I feel her dead DGM's name would suit her more.

Seriously don't even entertain a further conversation with her about it. You've explained once, that's the end of it. Is she difficult of understanding that you need to explain to her again. She needs to bloody grow up.
What a bitch to storm out and say shut 'it' up! She's talking about a newborn baby as it? Boo hoo she's upset so she behaves that way? No way should you indulge her anymore, in fact you should be banning her from seeing the baby till her attitude improves drastically.

Tell her to piss off. She's being ridiculous and awful to you and your baby. You shouldn't feel the slightest bit of guilt here.

tigerskinrug it's your right to think it, of course, but I find it a bit creepy. My nephew has my dad's name as a middle name. My father died when I was pregnant. If I had had a boy I might have felt some sense of duty to name the baby after him. I just feel this is a really sad thing to have to do in relation to a child.

My dd has my mum's middle name as her middle name and my mum is now dead but my dd was named while mum was still alive, to me it is different. I think we did it for my mum, but if the person has died it just seems quite sad. IMHO.

I'd hand her a grip and tell her to fuck off. She doesn't get a say in what you call your baby.

My SIL was surprised that we weren't calling DS2 (DH's first child) after their DF, not upset though, so we added it as a third name.

Oh, goodness.

This really has brought stuff up for her, hasn't it? A baby in the family does shift everyone 'a position.

You are her big sister. Is she feeling bereft now because you have a baby instead of a little sister? Or maybe seeing you as a Mum, and seeing your baby with a Mum has brought it back to her that she has no Mum.

Of course none of this is to do with the name.

Who in the family can most sensitively support your sister and talk to her about this? Your Dad? Another sibling?

To the people saying 'she's not your primary concern any more', this is exactly why the girl is upset, surely?

She is a teenager. Her step/ parents have younger children and she doubtless feels she is not 'primary concern ' to her Dad and StepMum, either.

Teens are young. Of course they are 'immature'.

OP, you have a lot on your plate, with your own recovery and a new baby, which is why I wonder about your Dad looking after her.

But maybe tell her you , baby and her are family because she is the only blood related aunt, and she is your sister and always will be.

Are you the poster who posted a few months ago saying you'd offered to take your sister and little brother out, she didn't want to go, you'd bought her a cake but she threw a hissy fit because you'd also bought your much younger brother something else and she thought you should have got her something too? Even though she had the chance to go, and turned it down?

I remember that as well. She sounds rather immature and manipulative. Can you have a word with your dad? How did he respond when she reacted like that yesterday to you?

I'm guessing all those saying she should get a grip, fuck off, grow up, is being a bitch etc never lost a parent as a child.

Part of why i have such major issues over my parents death is precisely this attitude- people telling me to grow up, dismissing me as "just being a teenager". With no thought to the pain or grief I was feeling, and the fact that pain might be behind my behaviour.

Have some sympathy. I'm not saying the o/p should use the name, but telling a teenager with major grief issues to fuck off, my baby is sooo important you should just go away and grow up, do you really think that's the way to deal with it?

I know she's had counselling, but it sounds like she needs more. Perhaps a family session so she can tell you whats really going on and you can help her.

This thread is making me pretty cross at all the cold hearted attitudes.

Perhaps it's not the job of a woman who has just had a baby in pretty traumatic circumstances to sort this out though and be subject to such attacks.

Perhaps if anyone is going to have family counselling with the sister-it should be the dad?

Reallanotherone Great post.

But This is AIBU. Finding excuses to screech belittling, emotionally deficient insults at people is it's raison d'etre. Whatever the 'spirit of Mumsnet' purports to be.

A new baby has probably brought up lots of conflicting emotions which she is struggling to manage - she needs additional support from outside of your family.
I know you must be shattered but do your best to remain firm and calm. You sound like a lovely sister.
And congratulations.

Your sister is being really unreasonable and being horrible to a baby because she's not got her way. Tell her she's spoiling your new experience as a mum and it's your and you partners job to name your baby. Tell her you may at some point chose your mums name for a child but you may not and that's your choice - it may be disappointing to her but it's really not her choice
Congratulations! 💖

I would be my mortgage your sister is actually upset that you have become a mum. Do you think you were her surrogate for your mum? Now your dd is here she feels a little pushed out.