Sister upset my DD isn't named after our mum

[Confuseddragonfish]

A bit of backstory to this. Our mum died when we were kids. Sis doesn't remember much about her but idolises her. I remember more and I miss her and I love her but I remember her for who she was which was a troubled rather odd woman.

So while I was pregnant DP and I had a list of potential names for DD depending on which name suited her once she was born. We did consider my mum's name at this time but I was unsure about it.

DD was born a couple of weeks ago I had an emergency c-section and some complications so we were in hospital till 2 days ago. We decided not to use my mum's name. I don't think DD suits it anyway but mostly I want DD to have a name which isn't associated with my mum and give her, her own identity.

My sister has visited twice since DD was born. Once in the hospital with my dad, step mum and brother and once in hospital with my step mum and aunt. Both times she has been very uninterested but I put that down to her being a teenager who isn't really into babies.

Anyway my dad, step mum and siblings visited today. My sister was again uninterested. I asked her to pass me something and she shouted me to get it myself. This made DD cry. My sister said for God sake shut it up and stormed out.

I was a bit upset but the rest of us carried on like nothing had happened. The rest of the family left and then my sister came back saying she wanted an honest chat.
She told me she hates DDs name and is upset that it isn't our mum's name. I said I didn't think it suited DD but I was sorry she was upset. I also mentioned that at least this way it leaves my mum's name for my sister to use if she has kids.

My sister said that it wasn't good enough she was really upset about it. She doesn't want to use mum's name and she probably won't have kids anyway so she wanted me to carry on the name. She then told me that I had really hurt her and we couldn't recover from this. Then DD wanted feeding and she sighed and said she was leaving.

She has agreed to come and visit tomorrow to talk about it more.
I don't know how to explain it to her. I don't want DD to have mum's name but sister is so upset and I feel so guilty because I have upset her.

So AIBU to not use mum's name even though it upsets my sister so much. I don't know how to explain to her about it.

Congratulations on your dd OP. I'm so sorry about your sister's behaviour and I hope it's not ruining this special time with your newborn. I'd tread very carefully with how you deal with your sister, I understand you don't want to hurt her feelings however I feel it is essential not to pander her or accept her behaviour and give in to her tantrums. We have a family member who behaves exactly how you describe your sister however everyone in the family and her friends are too scared to call her out on her it and allows her to dictate everything that goes on...sadly, at 35, she still behaves in the same way. I really hope this doesn't happen with your sister and she notices this behaviour is not ok with your help and matures into a wonderful individual.

and this relative has been through trauma and loss has she fire?! If she has then perhaps her family could have done more than for her

I'm four years older than my sister.

We already have a middle name for DD from DHs culture so I don't really want to change it.

I don't know if she sees me as a substitute mum. But we used to be very close as sisters. Having said that we have only really drifted apart because she has been pushing me away more.

I don't want to be too harsh with her. She may well be upset and thinking more about my mum. It has certainly brought a lot of it back to me too. I don't want to push her away to hard and upset her.

Equally I am struggling with this on top of everything else.

She's being a little madam of a drama queen. I work with this age group and this sort of behaviour is common.

Agree with all PPs, she has some good reasons for feeling like she needs some attention right now.

But you have just given birth. Now is not the time for you to pander to her. Don't let her suck you into her drama. You concentrate on you and your baby and let her get on with her drama to her heart's content.

The name thing is just a made up thing. If it wasn't that it would be something else (and probably will be soon - you wait).

Don't argue, don't explain, don't plead. Don't expect anything of her. Don't require her to show an interest in the baby or you. Don't react if she storms out, throws a tantrum etc. Lean on the supportive people around you and let her opt in and out as she chooses. But don't let her bully and manipulate you.

I'm ignoring all the PP - please name your daughter whatever name you feel inappropriate. F everyone else and congratulations!

It's your sisters grief talking. She is hurting, and could probably benefit from some professional help. However she is throwing her weight around, and making problems for you, and it's important you don't buy into her behaviour. You need to be patient and gentle with get, but keep returning to the fact that it is not her business what you name your dd. Let her know that it's part of your grieving process that you decided to give your dd her own identity. Your entitled to your own grief response, and you ate definitely entitled to call your dd whatever you want.
You say that everyone just carried on as normal when your ds was being a drama queen. If families usually ignore emotions, being dramatic is sometimes the only way young people see to express themselves. So keep the lines of communication open.

Congratulations, glad you are out of hospital, hope all goes smoothly now.

The other thing is, your baby's name is not solely your choice, presumably your DH/DP has just as much say

She'll get over it.

Of course 1000% you are not being unreasonable. AT ALL. EVER. end of!

Babies are people and people are not there to remind us of loss, or love, family, or friends, or other special people.

"She told me she hates DDs name"

That's a shame sis, but that is her name.

"and is upset that it isn't our mum's name."

It's sad that you are upset but you know, of course, she is my baby, with dp/dh and we get to name her.

"I said I didn't think it suited DD but I was sorry she was upset. I also mentioned that at least this way it leaves my mum's name for my sister to use if she has kids."

You don't need to explain whether name suits baby or not, I mean, of course, you can, and you did, but really, your baby, your choice of name.

"My sister said that it wasn't good enough she was really upset about it."

Tough Titty, as they say! Really it is a shame because now she is an auntie, and aunties are very special people who get to play a special part in the lives of kids, if they can be arsed to do so!

"She doesn't want to use mum's name and she probably won't have kids anyway so she wanted me to carry on the name."

But she doesn't get to decide that for you.

"She then told me that I had really hurt her and we couldn't recover from this. Then DD wanted feeding and she sighed and said she was leaving."

Sorry, OP but either your sister is majorly melodramatic or mentally ill. I am not at all being flippant. I really think you need to pass this issue on to your dad and let other family members deal with it.

DO NO allow your sister to spoil this special time.

"She has agreed to come and visit tomorrow to talk about it more." How big of her. Please do not spend too long on this. Tel her you love her, she'll always be your little sis and you will always be her big sis.

She is either someone who is very selfish and manipulative or she needs to see a counselor for unresolved grief. Maybe a bit of both.

"I don't know how to explain it to her. I don't want DD to have mum's name but sister is so upset and I feel so guilty because I have upset her."

YOU have not upset her, she is either playing up or dealing with her own internal demons. Speak to your dad, step mum or aunt and explain simply that your sister does not get to name your baby.

Do not allow this to take up to much time. You need to bond with your baby, others can deal with this drama.

My sister has had counselling twice in the past.

She doesn't want to use mum's name

But she expects you to use it?!

Your baby - your choice of name. Your sister has no right to emotionally blackmail you like this.

If it makes things easier with your sister, you could try saying that your DD could never replace your mam in your heart (which is true - baby has her own, much bigger place) and you find it too upsetting to be using your mother's name.

But don't give your baby a name that doesn't suit her (even as a middle name) just to keep your sister's face straight.

For what it's worth, I loved my Mam to bits, but detested her awful old-fashioned name.

You don't have to be harsh, just be really matter of fact about it - you've made your mind up about the name - and change the subject.

Teenagers make all sorts of dramatic declarations, so pay no heed to her "We can't recover from this." statement.

The goady big Sis in me would suggest she change her name to your mum's if carrying in her name was so important to her, but that would probably like chucking a grenade at the situation!

She'll calm down. I'd just ignore her ridiculous, albeit grief fuelled, behaviour.

Congratulations on your new baby

Your sister is still a kid. When she grows up and has her own children, she can use your mum's name for any DD she has. Please do explain this to her. She's being a shithead over this, but understanding that the name is hers to feel free to use might make her feel less ridiculously angry about it all.

I like greyhound's and flappy's take on this. Please do read carefully.

ive lost my mum aswell op but it still want my place to tell my dsis what to name her dd

if she wanted to include our dm name great also fine if she didnt

she might still be grieving or just having a tantrum i dont know but i dont see why u should compromise-whats next what she wears?

Is there another family member that can have a word with her and tell her to not be a dick?

I'm very sorry for your/ her loss but it's not OK to act like a petulant 5 year old, you don't need it.

Tell your dad to sort it. His child his problem. your child your priority. your sister sounds immature and selfish. Why does she feel she can name the baby? Does she have form for calling the shots?

I think that, while not wanting to e unkind to your sister, you should also be very firm about what yo will or will not tolerate regarding your baby.
Yes let her talk through what is upsetting her, but your feelings regarding your Mum and the use of her name are just as valid. It's your baby and nothing to do with her.

What I would make very very clear to her is that whatever her feelings on the name, your baby is innocent and you won't tolerate your sister taking out her upset on your daughter, I would tell her that if she ever refers to your child as 'it' again she won;t be having contact with her.

Congratulations on your newborn - as others have said don't let your sister's behaviour spoil this special time for you.

@GrindingForms. She has been through trauma and has had many dramatic episodes through growing up. That's the reason everyone tip toes round her, spoils her and cannot hurt her feelings. Otherwise they know they can get an explosion of vitriol from her. This is not about her anyway, and just a case that I hope doesn't repeat. It's easy to say from the outside but is obviously much more complex.
All I'm saying is I hope OP doesn't give into her sister and allow her to dictate as it certainly won't help her sister in the long run. Just because you go through something dreadful doesn't allow you to treat others horribly either.

Your sister is being a selfish, immature arse.

I would have said that she is grieving a person that she didn't really know, wants to 'recreate' that person and is now very upset as she feels that you have removed that opportunity for her. Of course YANBU OP, don't feel guilty but at the same time try to give her some understanding. (which you really seem to be doing anyway)

This reminds me of my cousin who lost her DM when she was young. She had a baby girl recently (all her other siblings have boys only) and I felt hurt on her dead DM's behalf that she did not name the baby after her. Completely irrational, none of my business etc....but still, that is how I felt.

Congrats on the birth of your dd

Obviously it's your baby so you choose the name. As others said could you use it as a middle name, even if you use the middle name you've chosen your dd could have two middle names.
I had fraternal twins and we decided on no middle names however my mum died suddenly shortly after their birth and I decided to give dd mums name as a middle name. It doesn't feel morbid or macabre and dd likes that she has a link to the nanna she never met.
Tbh I only use her full name if she's being naughty!

Are you the poster who posted a few months ago saying you'd offered to take your sister and little brother out, she didn't want to go, you'd bought her a cake but she threw a hissy fit because you'd also bought your much younger brother something else and she thought you should have got her something too? Even though she had the chance to go, and turned it down?

If so, I remember that thread and it sounds like she is still very mixed up and not able to handle her emotions maturely. Understandable as she suffered a huge loss with the death of her mother, but at the same time she's not a child anymore and people need to stop pandering to her or she'll never stop the dramatics.

I would try to be as minimal in my talk about the name as possible - 'I'm sorry you feel so sad but it's my job to name my baby and this is what I've called her,' and calmly move on. Try not to be pulled into her dramatics as it will fuel her fire.

Your sister is a brat. Don't give her the time of day on this.

Tiger " and I felt hurt on her dead DM's behalf that she did not name the baby after her." I find that a really odd response, do you really think someone would want their name used in that way against the wishes of the mum of the baby. If my child said they were naming their baby after me but did not really want to I'd tell them not to be so daft.

Please do not add this name as a middle name unless you want to. Really, you've described a difficult relationship with your mum, please don't use that name if you don't want to.

Your sister needs to go back for counselling and deal with her grief.

www.cruse.org.uk/

I normally go out of my way to help people but saddling your child with a name that has some unhappy connotations for you, simply to appease your sister, it really is not on.