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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SAHM should get priority over childminders at busy toddler groups?

435 replies

HulkMama · 11/05/2017 11:37

Just wondering how people feel about childminders taking groups of children to a free toddler group that routinely turns stay at home mums away because they are full?

It's a church run group so they don't want to turn anyone away, I get that, but if there isn't room for everyone should childminders be taking up the places that parents with their own kids need?

Childminders are being paid to look after the kids! I just want to get out of the house and have a bit of adult conversation!

Comments from childminders welcome. 😉

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 12/05/2017 17:53

So you're basically saying the children who are looked after by child minders should be de-prioritised. That's nice of you

SB1808 · 12/05/2017 17:55

Is it fair then that the children whose parents work don't get to also enjoy toddler groups just because they are with a childminder?

Aurora87 · 12/05/2017 17:55

Yes YABVU! Why should the minded children miss out? I would find it outrageous if priority was given to SAHMs! Get there earlier!

jsmith17 · 12/05/2017 18:12

I think you are being unreasonable. My 3 have all been cared for by Childminder and I wouldn't want them missing out on toddler groups. I would have loved the opportunity to be a SAHM but some of us have no option to go out and work.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 12/05/2017 18:13

Owl
BTW, most church groups are run neither 'for the children' nor 'for the parents'. They are run to satisfy the church's requirements for social outreach, spreading the word, and to encourage new church members.

Nope, they are usually run by people who have a passion for children and reaching out to new mums! Your post is really disheartening. My church single parents group is run to help single parents and their children. No ulterior motive. Promise!

cloudspotter · 12/05/2017 18:13

I feel a bit sorry for hulk mama, as the pitchforks came out.
Much as childminders are absolutely brilliant and lovely people, I think there is a real need for places where new mums can reach out for companionship.
I am sure that's part of the need for parent and toddler groups, simply for parents to have somewhere to go.
Yes childminders have needs, but I think it's more likely that new mums and dads are less connected and have less of a network, at least until the kids go to school.
So I say YANBU. You gave to read between the lines to the loneliness of being a parent.

PaintingByNumbers · 12/05/2017 18:15

such is volunteering, Waitrose. Theres always someone trying to drag you down. I dont know why, but its a thing. shrug it off, dont be disheartened Flowers

Maryann1975 · 12/05/2017 18:18

I'm a childminder. You obviously don't live in my town, because if you did you would know that ALL of the cheaper playgroup/toddler groups are only still running because of the childminders. One had to close a couple of years ago because we got so fed up off being dumped on every week and none of the parents ever taking a turn that we threatened to close the group if no one offered to help, no one did so it's now just a group for Childminder's. The parents were really cross because they thought we were being paid to run the group by our children's parents -that is not how it is meant to work.
We are currently in a similar situation at the music group, we were running it each week (because no one else will) but we all now have 3 children each on that morning and it's too much. We have said we will do it till half term, then the group will probably fold.
So, yes, in my experience YABVU. Sometimes I would love to go to a group and not feel like I have to be running it or doing something to help every single week.

MummyMuppet2x2 · 12/05/2017 18:25

While I understand the frustrations of the OP I don't think it's fair, or possible, to prioritise one type of carer over another in this circumstance.

It's not so much a YABU as the OP is right to be annoyed with this happening week after week. But there's nothing OP can do, so best to look elsewhere for another stay & play.

claireyjs · 12/05/2017 18:27

YABU, why should my kids miss out on toddler groups because I have to work? I have enough guilt about that as it is and am pleased the childminder makes the most of opportunites that are available locally for my kids.

wigglewam · 12/05/2017 18:40

Sorry I agree with the others that you need to get there earlier. Childminders are only allowed to look after 3 under the age of 5 so they shouldn't be taking a 'group of children' just a maximum of 3.

libbyb · 12/05/2017 18:48

Hi OP - I was a childminder when my own daughter was in infants. I attended a church run toddler group that was VERY highly sought after with one child. You did have to declare if you were a parent/grandparent or childminder and how many infants were in your care. If you just turned up, you were allowed to stay on your first visit and then you could add or not add your name to the waiting list. I thought this was really fair - once enough spaces were available you got a call to say you could attend regularly from a certain date.
Perhaps the administration of your group needs to adopt a system such as this - it felt fair - the group was popular and people were requested to notify the 'desk' if they were giving up their place.
Childminders also run their own very successful groups, but one that offers something different - such as musical instruments etc, would be a great place to take kids!! As a childminder it is your job to be accessing quality venues that enrich the lives of your minded children and prepare them for their first steps into nursery.

purplecollar · 12/05/2017 18:54

Our church one had a waiting list and it did tend to attract a few childminders, who maintained a place, with various different mindees for years. It was resolved eventually by them running two sessions at different times.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 12/05/2017 18:54

Since two of the volunteers who run our church group aren't congregation members I'm not sure how that works Owl.

Alwaysinahurrynow · 12/05/2017 18:54

I'm in two minds about this. I currently attend a group with my toddler and baby. It's hosted so attendees don't organise anything and the children are supervised, so carers can chat. Due to this and the fact there is a waiting list for carers, I thought when I went back to work and had a nanny, she would not be able to attend. Someone else mentioned that childminders were allowed, so I asked. Nannies would have to join the paid carers list and as the childminders rotate their charges, there was no point as the list never moved.

I would have completely understood if they had said a blanket no, but now am a bit annoyed as I will have to join another wait list for another playgroup despite my child already being there and having previously been unable to attend until now due to the waiting list for carers.

MrsKat · 12/05/2017 19:00

You are so NOT being unreasonable.
I go to these groups purely to get me out of the house with my child. I NEEDED the environment of other mums, who could converse with me and their children could play with my son. I find it hard to make friends but am more inclined to do so with someone I believe to be in the same boat as me - ie a SAHM. Maybe we could become friends - you can't just pop round to a CM house for a coffe and a play can you.

What I did not need were groups which had child minder cliques, who paid a pittance to get in when they were making five times that amount per child. Every day. They were getting paid good money to enrich their charge with learning experiences, not letting them run riot and roughshod over the smaller children whilst they helped themselves to tea and gossiped in the corner. If you are happy with paying someone to do that with your child then more fool you!
Most of the aggressive posts on here are from mothers who are jealous at SAHM's. Do you actually know how much we sacrifice so we can stay at home with our children? Or do you believe that we all scrounge off the state and stay all day in our pyjamas whilst CBeebies plays?
On hard days some mums need to get out and socialise and I really feel for HulkMama - she has been brave enough to post.
Yes there are a few really really good childminders. There are also ones who do it for a quick buck. I live in a deprived area, and there are certainly more of the latter than the former.
I think non childminders should have admittance 15 mins/30 mins earlier, then entrance to all if there is space. I think in a small town it is easy enough to know who the CM are! Alternatively there should be groups that the CM set up themselves that are for themselves only.
Now I know most of you reading will be slating me for this post, but you have all thrown so much stick at the OP she needs to know that there are a few of us who totally get it.

MummaDevon · 12/05/2017 19:21

I've not read all the comments (busy day at work, sorry). Why should you get priority? As mum that has to use a childminder, I like my child being able to go to groups with her, that I can't go to because I have to work so we can live. Sorry.

kimmie11 · 12/05/2017 19:29

Hi
Just joined mumsnet .com I am a mum of 4 grown children and have been a childminder for 21 years . Full time until 6 years ago and before and after school only since then . From June I am looking after the under 5's again and I have always been happy to pay in the past for toddler groups etc and totally as a mum would be upset if I couldn't visit because it is full !!! These groups are essential for 1st time mums who may have given up careers and can meet people with similar aged children ! Great for the children who learn social skills sharing songs 2 name a few !!! So as a childminder we should pay the fees its tax deductible anyway ! Hope this helps

Igottastartthinkingbee · 12/05/2017 19:30

Wow some threads really grow legs don't they! Not many people reading OPs responses!!

Italiangreyhound · 12/05/2017 19:34

Not all toddler groups run a first come first served on the day. Some run a list and you get on the list by signing up.

I think it should be first come first served.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 12/05/2017 19:45

Thanks painting! I love our group and all my parents in it!

SB1808 · 12/05/2017 19:49

Thank you for implying that childminders earn stacks of money and do a rubbish job.
I work over 50 hours a week as a childminder and earn about £16k a year.
There are plenty of groups that childminders are not welcome at. Maybe the OP needs to find one of those. I know that for sure because I have been to a toddler group where I was turned away at the door because i am a childminder. Having to take 3 very upset children home and walk past a queue of people who were allowed in was embarrassing. Not at all fair on the children whose parents have to work. I don't get paid to gossip and drink tea in a corner. I get paid to provide a variety of experiences and one of them involves going to a very nice toddler group where everyone is welcome. Where everyone talks to eachother and no one is judged because the stay at home/because they are a childminder/because they dare to have a cup of tea..........

KitKat1985 · 12/05/2017 19:51

OP - I saw your identical post today on a certain local FB mums page (won't put too many details, but based in the South East of the UK). If I can work out who you are in real life, then others will, so I advise that you change your user name on here if you have any private posts you don't want people who know you to see.

Myshitdontstink · 12/05/2017 19:54

I'm afraid I think YABU I work full time and my DC goes to a childminder who takes her to a toddler group each week because she helps to run it...aside from that why should my DC miss out because I have to work?

kali110 · 12/05/2017 19:54

Most of the aggressive posts on here are from mothers who are jealous at SAHM's.
What a load of crap Grin
Maybe people just disagree?Hmm