Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

[SooSmith]

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

Oh and has the excuse of being side swiped by his exWs affair, going through the emotional trauma of ending a long term relationship and facing having to live without seeing his dcs every day, but you had no such excuse for such a bizarre decision.

How right did it feel for your children I wonder? Or did you not bother asking them?

YABU. If I loved someone enough to move in with them and felt the relationship was permanent, I would happily look after the kids if asked to do so. It's called being someone's partner and helping them. Just as I would expect my DP to help out with my kids

it felt right
See, I'd have no problem with that had it just involved the two of you. My DP and I moved rather quickly albeit not rocket speed like you and we're living together after 8-9 months, but it was just us. There's kids involved in your situation and I feel dreadfully sorry for them.
Not only do they have to contend with their parents breaking up and their father moving indecently fast into living with another woman, who it sounds as tho was possibly known to them before, further adding to the confusion, but every 'adult' involved is giving off the distinct impression the children are too much hassle and they simply can't be arsed.
Your DP sounds as tho he wanted (and has got) a ready made spare mother for his children, the ex sounds as tho she's being difficult and you sound awful. I cannot believe you'd slam the door in the childrensfaces. Any chance of a good relationship at all is somewhat out the window imo.

This is precisely why there is an explosion in children with serious mental health needs. All the adults around them having tantrums and prioritising sex over their children. All of the children here deserve better parents and step parents.

Shutting a door in the face of your step children will only result in children who have no interest in visiting you. Ever. In 3 years when you're back here moaning that the ex won't force the kids to see you, this will be why. Because you humiliated them publicly.

I felt right so you went for it?

Did being a good parent not feel right to any of you? Because none of you decided to go for that......

Flossy, so do you think OP's DP should have stayed in the spare room with his ex even though she was living it up with a new partner? Sounds a very unhealthy arrangement for the DC.

OP, did the ex move her new squeeze in when your DP had gone? Bet she was gutted when she was dumped.

He should have moved out and go his own place before moving on to the next woman.

Our kids all go to the same school. We all know each other. I must admit that I've fancied my BF for a long time, but as he was married he was off limits.

My kids are quite happy with him being here, they love him. My ex been gone for years now, he won't even pay a penny for them. I've managed on my own, so I know it can be done. You just have to have childcare organized and sorted, and pay someone a proper rate for taking them. Then issues are a rarity!

OH god it gets worse while you may not have been the OW, my father did something very similar when we were kids, cheated on my Ma with her best friend then shacked up with her and her kids in the space of a couple of months. We were friends with her kids, all went to school to get her etc etc.
It was fucking horrendous. While it may not have been the case so deliberately, her kids were then number one. He had no time for us and was rarely there when we were. We fucking hated her, for being such a slimey cow and ousting our mum then acting as though she gave a shit about is (it was painfully superficial) our friendship with her kids didn't last, what a surprise when you hate their mother, and I haven't seen my dad, who split from her within a year incidentally, since I was 14. He let us down massively and I think you're doing your boyfriends children a huge injustice in your situation. Why couldn't you have given them time to adjust?

When you have children they should be your priority. For you and your partner, that doesn't seem to be the case.

I've no real sympathy for u or ur partner. I do feel sorry for all the children involved.

Amber where in my post do I even allude to such a thing?
Whats wrong with him being a grown up and moving in to his own place?

Oh god how awful for his kids!!! To go to school with the children who live with their dad everyday.
Thats pretty bloody twisted imo.

The fact they're all at school together makes this even worse. How can you not see that, op?

His ex's bf dumped her soon after that, and she was asking my BF to go back. He says no way.

Looks like you won the prize OP. Yay you. You showed her. You go, girlfriend!

Are your sure you weren't the OW unknownly? Him living in the spare room and wife with om sounds fishy the whole timeline is off. Don't forget your DC have time to adjust to their DF not being there for years you say. His DC are still adjusting after 4 months of leaving their DF has a new family with the family friend that is there friends mother, can you not stop and imagine how confusing and hurt they must feel. No one either you their DM or their DF have considered or given a second thought to their feelings. I do agree making a public display of not wanting them and slamming the door in their face sends the message they are very much excluded from the family unit and being replaced by your DC. I get you don't want to be used for childcare but you need to speak to your dp about it and tell him if he's a high earner to be contributing to atleast 50-60 percent of childcare aswell as child maintenance to enable but of them to work and provide.

I dont think it matters to the OP how any of the children are affected especially his.

This thread is pointless. OP sees nothing wrong with her or super dads actions and sees the ex as the one in the wrong.

SooSmith, stand back if you can and look at your situation as an outsider.

A marriage where the wife is having an affair.

November - they split, husband moves into spare room.

December - husband starts a new relationship.

Jan-Feb - couple continue to live under one roof, sharing parenting as before.

March - husband moves out of family home, straight into family home of another woman. Wife's affair ends, she approaches husband to come back. Shared parenting starts to break down.

April-May - husband abdicates all but financial responsibility towards children, dumping childcare onto the woman he moved in with around 8 weeks ago.

Can you look at it as if you're not involved? Can you see the problem?

You are in a relationship with a man who 'moves on' at speed. If you were to be a bitch and throw a strop about his wages and time being 'wasted' on his children - he would agree with you and withdraw that too. HE IS DETACHING from his 'old' life. He is moving on. And I think you know that, and it frightens you, because you know he'll move on from you as well.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but your relationship is a sham. He is the type that needs to have a woman to stroke his ego and do the wifework so he doesn't have to sully himself with such petty details - such as the care of his children. To him, you are a convenience. You are providing a ready-made home with all mod cons and sex, for very little effort on his part .

For your own sanity and the good of your children, I think you need to tell him he has to move out. He should find himself a home of his own where he can build some independence and a proper relationship with his children. Although I suspect he won't, not without a woman to attend to it all for him.

His ex is not your problem, she is his problem. But he is perfectly happy to shunt his problems onto your shoulders, so he doesn't have to do a damned thing.

Do yourself a favour and get rid. He'll be fine - he'll move on from you at the same sort of speed as he's moved on from his wife and children.

You've managed without a live-in man before so do it again. Ask him to move out for a while till he and his ex can sort out responsibility and care for their children.
If you're going to be together long term you need to be establishing a good relationship with his DC and a working relationship with their mother. All of which will be easier if he's not living in your home.

OP - I've managed on my own, so I know it can be done. - but the point is your DP hasn't! He's never been on his own with his DCs, he's never been the only adult responsible. He's gone from living in a family unit (even if he was sleeping in a different bedroom to the DC's mother) to living in your family unit and still expecting the woman to sort out the children.

He needs to live without a partner for a while and learn how to be a single dad. He and his exP need to learn between them how to manage access and childcare as at the moment they are still acting like a couple, in that they both are assuming the default position is the other parent had the DCs when they can't, rather than having "Mums days, Dads days" and it being their own responsibilty to sort it out when it's their day - and while your DP is living with you who is a SAHM, he'll just assume it's ok to have you do the care when you are at home on his days and he's at work.

He and his ex aren't acting like they aren't a parental unit yet, so it's hardly surprising they are just adding you into their parenting relationship, because your DP hasn't got his parenting role set up separate from his ExP yet. They might not be living together or in a romantic relationship, but they are acting like they are still in a relationship in regards to how they care for their DCs, and you are now just a 3rd party in that.

Step well away, he needs to move out, let them sort it out, and then think about him and his DCs joining your family, when you do, accept that you can't just live with him and expect his DCs to be something separate, you can only live with someone who has dependent children if a) you are prepared to have a relationship with the children or b) he's the sort of twat that doesn't bother spending any time with his children.

StewieG they're not her stepchildren. They're her new boyfriends children. Who apparently has little idea how to look after them.

"I'm sorry to be so harsh, but your relationship is a sham. He is the type that needs to have a woman to stroke his ego and do the wifework so he doesn't have to sully himself with such petty details - such as the care of his children. To him, you are a convenience. You are providing a ready-made home with all mod cons and sex, for very little effort on his part"

I am repeating this part of @WhereYouLeftIt's post, because it is so clear, wise and incisive, and @SooSmith needs to hear it, loud and clear.

Your children may be perfectly happy with him around - but when he flits off to the next thing (as I strongly suspect he will do), they will be devastated. And that will be your fault, because you moved him in too soon. Harsh words, but you need to hear them.

Sadly, I doubt the OP cares about any of that. She's fancied him for ages and she's finally got him! The fact that he's a useless waste of space is irrelevant

You haven't answered any questions about what they did for childcare before they split up. As it was so recently, if this is a new problem with them both working the same hours then one of them is a twat for getting a new job without considering the kids.

Sadly for you, it really does read to me like:
Bloke gets cheated on, has nowhere to go when he decides to leave, finds woman who already fancies him and has convenient house to move into AND she can babysit.

The ex and the DC are not the ones you should be getting shirty with here. In your post he clearly has told her 'I'm at work but I've instructed Soo to go home and have them' which means love I am sorry, but he totally views you as all of the easy options. Honestly ask yourself and admit why he has moved in - because it was easier for him. He's selfish and won't change. He won't even change his work hours or help with childcare so his lesser earning skint ex can go earn money to support the kids that live with her. Why do you find that attractive???

Another one applauding the very clear summary from WhereYouLeftIt

OP, I think that in time you should all be working towards a blended family, so it's not you taking your DC out for the day, but an outing which ALL the children are included on. But it's very, very early days for that yet.

Like others, I feel very sorry for all the children involved who have no choice in the decisions the adults around them are making but have to live with the consequences.