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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

349 replies

SooSmith · 11/05/2017 08:45

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

OP posts:

pictish · 13/05/2017 10:11

no idea

sheesh

stitchglitched · 13/05/2017 10:17

So you can't look after his kids without him present, but he can live with your kids full time? Another messed up situation caused by adults rushing into stuff without any consideration for the children being dragged along for the ride.

Chloe84 · 13/05/2017 10:25

Stop blaming OP and blame the the parents of the kids. They need to agree contact and stick it to it, and not rely on the OP.

The blending of OP and her DP's family is a different issue.

OP, does your DP take an active part in your kids lives? Does he feed them, bathe them etc?

user1493022461 · 13/05/2017 10:25

She is very rightly I feel saying no when he is not as this is a fairly new relationship/set up. How well do the other children know her

She's happy to have him live with her children though? Not responsible in the slightest, just selfish.

honeylulu · 13/05/2017 10:51

The moving in so soon sounds far from ideal but ... I do agree with the OP to some extent. She doesn't expect her P to look after her children without her. She makes her own childcare plans when she works and presumably wouldn't expect her P to fill in if childcare fell through.

The P sounds a bit of an arse who assumes she can fill in for his children without consultation because it's "women's work" (if I understand correctly) and the ExP is a massive pisstaker for assuming the same. She sounds like one of those people who, if you do one favour, just assumes she can dump it on you all the time.

Childcare has 'fallen through' twice in a short time. P and ExP need to sort out better childcare. Me and my OH work full time and we have plan A, plan B and plan C for childcare as we have no family to help out.

Foslady · 13/05/2017 11:10

So how do you plan to move on from this OP? This is hardly a sustainable situation for anyone involved? The resentment is already building up and so far the only losers are the kids - all of them. I hardly think your kids are going to want to have anything to do much with his kids - that's if his kids don't ask to go anywhere but dads in the future. No adult is stepping up and saying 'this can't go on', each other's actions are being used to try and point score against each other.

What a toxic situation for everyone

ComputerUserNotTrained · 13/05/2017 11:15

Good Lord. I do things for dp's children, and him for mine. They're too old to need babysitting, but if they were younger there's no way we wouldn't be looking after each other's children. It wouldn't cross our minds not to.

Shutting the door on them is fucking appalling!

SpareASquare · 14/05/2017 01:49

Good for you OP!
You show those snivelling brats of his just who's boss. Let them know that no matter how traumatised they may be they will never ever be a part of yours or your precious childrens lives. So what if their useless father shacked up with you as soon as he escaped them and chose someone who would always let them know their place. Shutting the door in their faces should only be the beginning. Go you!
If she can't work, not your problem. If it affects her income and she manages to get her CS increased, no biggie. That is, unless he isn't paying it in which case you are on fire!

Ceto · 14/05/2017 02:04

I'm not sure it's up to OP to "move on from this". She's made it very clear she is not there to provide unpaid child care, there's not much more she can do about it except keep saying no till they get the message.

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 02:14

Break up with your partner and find someone without kids. YANBU to expect him to be the main carer when they are there,but your attitude to them is disgusting. They deserve better.

kali110 · 14/05/2017 02:20

Original poster

SooSmith · 14/05/2017 09:02

"If she can't work, not your problem. If it affects her income and she manages to get her CS increased, no biggie. That is, unless he isn't paying it in which case you are on fire!"

Of course he is paying! And more than he is legally required to. As he is the higher earner, if childcare can't be found, common sense dictates that she stays home.

Anyway the amount of CS he pays is dependent on his income, not hers. So he doesn't have to pay more if her income drops.

OP posts:

Foslady · 14/05/2017 09:07

But you still haven't said how you plan to move this forward to help protect the children in all this just hhat'he pats more than he had to' and fuck her income.

Goady or what.........

Original poster

SooSmith · 14/05/2017 09:15

Read my comment again. I said he doesn't have to pay more if her income drops, not that he won't.

OP posts:

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/05/2017 09:16

Op - how long has it been since he left the marital home? Was it just before you started dating, so he and his exW only had 4/5 months of him living alone elsewhere before he moved in with you? (I do hope he did actually live alone before moving in with you)

If so, it's not all that long for them to get used to it being a 2 household family with them having to coordinate childcare between each other, while not living in the same house.

I would agree with others, he should move back out and you two date for a while, probably more like a year, he has to get used to being a single parent - not just for a few weeks. If he is a higher earner, it could well be that childcare has always just been the thing woman sort out as his was the wage that couldn't be sacrificed, he has to learn being a good absent father means not just paying child support, but also taking on responsibility for the dcs in his time.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/05/2017 09:18

Sorry! Should have said being a good non-resident father, not absent. (Bloody kids distracting me)

defineme · 14/05/2017 09:22

Why on earth are you moving a new partner in that quickly? What will your kids think seeing people like you and your boyfriend carry on in this way? Make him leave and start setting a good example of stable normal relationships. His car crash of a life is his own affair, though my heart bleeds for those kids.

Foslady · 14/05/2017 09:25

Did re read it

So he doesn't have to pay here any more if her income drops

Goady

Ariawyn · 14/05/2017 09:26

As he is the higher earner, if childcare can't be found, common sense dictates that she stays home.

And

I said he doesn't have to pay more if her income drops, not that he won't.

Yeah, but he won't pay her more will he? He doesn't 'care' enough to look after his dc now he has you so what are the odds he'll be giving her more money when childcare falls over?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 14/05/2017 09:32

I'd like to think this was a windup but sadly seen similar in real life so it's very likely to be true.

It's such a shame that so many believe they can't live without a man and will take the first one that comes along regardless of the impact on their existing children. If he has children, then they are evil and to be ostracised as much as possible so that they eventually cease contact.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/05/2017 09:36

Actually, from what you've put here it does sound like it's very early days of their relationship split - do they have formal agreements about access days, who's days are who's, regardless of work patterns?

It would be one thing looking after his kids on his days- to help him out, but if the exw needs childcare on her days, that's her issue.

If they haven't got to the stage of not just muddling through working out who has the dcs on which days, then it's far too early for you to be involved in a blended family situation, so he shouldn't be living in your home.

llangennith · 14/05/2017 09:58

Responding to the original post no YANBU Maybe his selfish attitude towards his DC contributed to the breakdown of that relationship.

Original poster

SooSmith · 14/05/2017 09:58

They split last November when he discovered she'd been seeing someone else. He was sleeping in their spare room, then he moved in with me in March.

It felt right so we went for it.

His ex's bf dumped her soon after that, and she was asking my BF to go back. He says no way.

OP posts:

FlossyMooToo · 14/05/2017 10:05

Christ those poor children. Mum and dad split in November and within 4 months daddy is living with a new family
When will selfish adults learn to put their children first

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/05/2017 10:06

Ok well there's your issue - he has never been a single dad.

Obviously he should live alone for a while (12 months?) before thinking about living with another woman and trying to make a blended family. Why on earth did you move him in so quickly?

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