Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

349 replies

SooSmith · 11/05/2017 08:45

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

OP posts:
pictish · 12/05/2017 07:23

You're right... I have opinionated on that which was not asked. I have allowed my pet peeve to dictate, which is wrong.

All I can say is good luck and I hope it works out. If OP refuses to ever look after his kids when he's not present, even though her own kids live with him, I don't see how it can be anything than a big hasty mess...but that's up to OP to negotiate.

JigglyTuff · 12/05/2017 07:30

Watery - if the OP had known him a bit better before he moved in, she could probably have avoided being in this situation

Tamatoa · 12/05/2017 07:44

What was your relationship with him before you got together? He seems to have turned into a user very quickly.

PodgeBod · 12/05/2017 07:53

You don't sound interested in blending together and being a family so why move him in? Keep him as a casual live-out boyfriend and then you won't have to bother with his kids.
I actually think what you did was really nasty to his kids. You could have spoken quietly to their mum but instead you made it known to all the dc how you feel about your boyfriends children.

Tamatoa · 12/05/2017 07:55

You could have spoken quietly to their mum
the mum drives off, making quiet chats impossible.

Westray · 12/05/2017 08:11

This is all much too much too soon OP.

You have only just started dating this guy, then he moves in, and suddenly you are a "step mother".

All too much in haste, and not good for any of the children involved.

Keep him as a live out boyfriend- let him deal with his own kids and his own home.
Possibly no back tracking now without a break up, but from what we've heard that would be a lucky break for you OP.

paddlenorapaddle · 12/05/2017 08:28

What about the children Shock agog he sounds like a user whose lined you up and you've been a sitting duck I do agree with your stance on childcare though throw him out and slow it down

peachgreen · 12/05/2017 08:51

I actually disagree with most PPs about the children. If you've moved in then presumably the intention is to become a blended family in which case you should be stepping up to take care of each other's kids. I can't imagine how horrible it must have been for them to realise that the person Daddy lives with doesn't want them around.

Of course it's completely ridiculous of you to have moved in together so soon and unfair on all of your kids. But it's done now and if you want to make it work then you should both be making more of an effort. And he should be arranging proper contact days with his ex so that they can have a more orderly and organised schedule. Poor wee things.

Westray · 12/05/2017 09:16

But it's done now

I don't agree. Lover boy has only been in the OPs home for only a few weeks, not to late at all. Better to toss him out now than before the kids get used to it as a permanenet situation

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/05/2017 11:49

@peachgreen - yes, if and when this becomes a blended family, then both the OP and her dp should be willing and able to look after each other's children. But it is way too early in the relationship for them to have become a blended family yet.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2017 06:19

Poor children... not a responsible adult in sight.

AmberStClare · 13/05/2017 08:58

she has form for dumping and driving off!

My sympathies OP, how often has this happened. Incidentally I remember your Christmas dilemma with your DSis, sorry to hear though that you re now NC.

Original poster
SooSmith · 13/05/2017 09:11

Same old, same old this morning. My bf is working, so is his ex. Her childcare has fallen through again. She will just have to stay home with them. The fact that she won't be paid is not my problem.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 13/05/2017 09:14

No sympathy. You made your bed. Lie in it.

You sound awful.

AmberStClare · 13/05/2017 09:23

Oh dear, she better sort herself out then OP. You have other plans today after all with your own children.

Original poster
SooSmith · 13/05/2017 09:25

She made her bed, she can lie on it! She was the one who had an affair, not my BF.

OP posts:
Original poster
SooSmith · 13/05/2017 09:27

And yes I do have plans with my own kids, and have bought tickets for an event. Why should they do without?

OP posts:
AmberStClare · 13/05/2017 09:28

Go girl! Enjoy yourself today with your children.

FlossyMooToo · 13/05/2017 09:28

And?
Her wrong does not make you right Hmm

You have moved a man in to your childrens home within a few months. You are trying to keep is children seperate from your new family set up. This is going to end badly and its the children I feel sorry for. Yours and his. The adults are too selfish to put them first.

AmberStClare · 13/05/2017 09:32

The OP wants her partner to keep in contact with her kids. All she is saying is she is not unpaid childcare for them when the ex cannot or will not sort this out herself. Emergencies yes i am sure she obliges but reading her posts sounds like she is being taken for a mug.

AmberStClare · 13/05/2017 09:33

Sorry, his kids

MidniteScribbler · 13/05/2017 09:51

The only ones I feel sorry for in this situation is the kids, all of them.

Smellbellina · 13/05/2017 10:03

It sounds like she needs to have a concrete childcare plan in place. I sympathise with her as it isn't easy being a single working parent (especially when it's all down to you and the NRP doesn't see childcare as their responsibility but are happy to play Disney dad when it suits them)

AmberStClare · 13/05/2017 10:09

The OP is happy to have the kids when her DP is present. She is very rightly I feel saying no when he is not as this is a fairly new relationship/set up. How well do the other children know her? Are they happy to be left with someone (and other children) they may not know very well. Hardly a Disney parent, sounds very responsible to me.

As a PP has said, all sit down together (without the children present or in hearing) and sort out.

pictish · 13/05/2017 10:11

OP when you move in with someone and there are kids on both sides, you blend your family. It can't work any other way.

I'm not saying you have to be at her disposal for childcare, I'm saying that you don't make the decision to move someone in when you have idea what you're going to be dealing with.