Husband wants me to go back to work (ideally full time) after my mat leave

[shewhocannotbenamed]

I've never really planned on being a SAHM but I also never voiced a wish to go back full time post baby. In principle I don't really agree that LO should go to nursery before he's at least one but I was willing to do it for 2-3 days a week for the sake of my job (I've got a feeling they might want to replace me with my mat cover longer term, and if I come back after 12 months they are not obliged to give me the exact same position I occupied previously whereas this is guaranteed if I get back within 9 months.)

Also following my husband's recent (massive) promotion he is now on £55k and we have savings (to which I have very largely contributed as was previously earning more than him) so it's not like we really desperate for the extra income.

So imagine my surprise when we were viewing nurseries and he asked for full time rates. I told him I was only thinking part time and he accepted this but I could tell he was a bit... I don't know, disappointed?

AIBU for feeling a bit upset about this? Considering the costs of childcare it's not like I'd be bringing home much anyway whichever option we choose. I can't even exactly specify why this makes me sad, perhaps makes me feel less like a woman and more like just his mate? It's especially so as his mother never worked post children and also in the past he had a girlfriend who just chose not to work (no kids or anything) and as far as I understand he was perfectly fine supporting her.

We've just had his friend nip over a few days back to announce his wife was pregnant and my husband gone into giving him financial advise straight away including to factor in for the extortionate costs of childcare, and his mate just said "I'm not worried we have savings and I'd be happy for her to stay home with the baby." That just really did it for me - how nice that he didn't have some inherent expectation that the wife needs to constantly perform both at home and at work.

Well from what the OP said, I'll stick to the idea that he really needs to be left for a day with his DC whilst the OP goes out on her own (to see friends to go to Homebase or whatever for the house. Is there not some decorating that needs to be done by any chance and you really need to look at wall paper?)
And this needs to happen on a regular basis too.

I also agree about the fact he is scared of being the sole earner. And at the cost of childcare.
However, even if the answer is for the OP to go back to work full time, there is still a discussion needed on what he will do to help (taking turns in taking time off for illnesses, taking DC to see the GP, cleaning the house etc etc)
A trip to Homebase is NOT an activity that is acceptable.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4484936/Man-55k-salary-asks-wife-work-time.html

Oh fgs. Can't they hire proper journalists???.

I just saw that RiverWhy. Talk about exaggeration.

Yes, OP, you need to begin to identify the 'displacement activities' which DHs sometimes begin to develop about the same time as children come along
Mine had a habit of always beginning some activity at about 12noon every single Saturday (e.g. washing car, going to the tip, mowing lawn) which meant that he was never available to make lunch and he knew that the kids and I would get hungry first. Easily solved by me taking the kids out for lunch, or making soemthing like eggs which wouldn't keep and saying 'Oh, I assumed since you were busy you'd get yourself something later...'
Honestly, you have to learn to manage them like toddlers... 'right, if I do this, do you want to do that?'

Jesus the more you say the more you sound like a princess. It's like now you have pushed out a kid the only thing you need to do is look after the child. So your DH works all week then cleans through the house on Saturday after cooking for himself all week. Now you're in a strop cos he expects you to go back to work. I actually feel sorry for your DH. You don't need to be able to cook to whip up something basic or at least put a shop bought lasagne in the oven. I give it a year before he's buggered off or shagging someone at work. As for the pp who seems to think it takes 8 hours a week to plan play dates and plan birthday presents what word are you actually living in! I work part time on day off I manage to do weekly shop, clean house, go to the gym and do laundry/ironing. Yes DS at school now but when he wasn't we still did tge above apart from both went swimming/to park etc.

OP, in the nicest possible way I think it's weird that you haven't discussed this with your husband. Before having the baby, you took maternity leave rather than quitting your job so it seems you were planning to return to work. Obviously, many parents change their minds after the birth or at other times in the future, however it seems that you didn't tell your husband that and also haven't told your work you're not planning to return so I don't feel your husband is to be blamed for looking at full time childcare. I would say, talk about these things and it's less likely that feelings can get hurt.

Your comments about the other couple seem odd as I don't understand how their situation makes any difference to yours.

"shewhocannotbenamed Mon 08-May-17 13:16:56
Thank you for all the replies. I'm pretty sure I've said to him in the past that LO should only go to nursery part time but perhaps it didn't register with him? This happens sometimes - I tell him something and he just accepts it or sometimes even makes a comment, but some weeks down the line has no recollection of what's been said"

Sounds like gaslighting to me.

Cant believe no ones spotted this................oh wait maybe i can. A lot of ppl on here who are also mothers too ready to jump on the OP.

Why would you need a break?

You expect him to go back full time after becoming a parent so why should you get to do less? He is helping find childcare so is taking responsibility.

Of course you will do more at the moment as you aren't working whilst on maternity.

Just because he earns well doesn't mean he's a walking cashpoint.

When I said to him recently whether he could have the nursery fees come out of his salary he said something about there being an application deadline and missing it? confused So I guess part of him did think I'd just take that expense on? IDK

Agree with TinselTown, communication doesn't sound great between you two. Did he mean the application for nursery? Or application for childcare vouchers?

Fuck of Daily Mail and do some proper work

*off

Fuck off

Perhaps your partner is feeling pressure? To be honest, 55k a year is not that much when it comes to living in London and he is probably worried about the stress of supporting a family. Cost of living is so high and if your salary was more then his, he was prob hoping you would return to work. I agree with others saying this is something that should have perhaps been discussed earlier. Some men prefer if their partners work and some prefer them to stay home with kids. My partner earns a good amount, but it never feels like enough and I get that he wishes I would return to work, but my salary was not worth it at all to return back as childcare for two was more then my salary.

HelenaDove I agree with you. Who the fuck thinks they can just tell their other half what is going to happen and expect them to comply.

All the posters who are incredulous that this should have been discussed first?? Would you be ok if your DH/DP said "right, that's it I'm going to quit my job now and stay home"? No, you'd say he was a cocklodger. What's the female equivalent? Vaglodger?

When we were thinking about children, my husband and I sat down and discussed finances. He was quite keen to be a SAHD, but financially it wasn't going to work. We ended up with the best of both worlds, at a price. He worked permanent early shifts and I made my job flexible, so I went to work when he came home. We both got the childcare and full time work aspects. We never saw each other though, so it wasn't feasible long term.

Women want equality, but that means taking the rough with the smooth. It doesn't mean you automatically get to sit on your arse while your husband brings in all of the money and does most of the housework.

I really hope your partner doesn't recognise himself from this as if you read your posts you've been nothing short of disdainful of him,

In addition, your posts are confused. If you earn more than him then why is your 55k plus salary going to be pretty much eaten by child care costs? If you know how difficult it is staying at home, why do you say you think he should give uou a break? Why do you feel less of a woman if you have to work? That's beyond ridiculous. I worked, and no one, inc myself, my child or my husband thinks I'm less of a woman for it.

If it's something as simple as "he's earning more and I just don't want to work" then say so. Because I suspect that's really what this is about. and that's fine if you both agree.

As a HR professional, I'm very surprised your company don't allow you the right to your substantive role after 12 months.

Everywhere I've worked, a returning mother retains the right as long as she returns after the longest period of maternity leave she's entitled to.

I worked full time with one child, but when we had a second I worked part time, until she went to high school.

With the attitude of 'babies are easier at 9 months', I can see why you feel the way you do.

I personally would always want to earn some of my own money though and couldn't have been a FT SAHM.

"I can't even exactly specify why this makes me sad, perhaps makes me feel less like a woman and more like just his mate?"

What. The. Fuck. Does. This. Mean? Please please daddy-hubby treat me like your little princes and look after me ever so much?

I mean really. Have some self respect. Talk to your husband and get yourselves on the same page. Do not make decisions about family life unitarily (goes for both of you). Be clear about your work aspirations. Its very hard to get back into work when little effort has been made to remain current in the workplace. If you want to structure your (lack of) working life around babies and nursery and schools you need to talk to your husband.

Its clear he doesnt seem to have the full picture about caring for the baby. That needs to be changed. Its clear he needs help to understand his little tasks should be done with the baby in tow to help him bond and give you time and space. He needs to step up to the plate and be there more. For you and the baby.

You need to decide if you want to perform at work or at home (your words OP). Of course, that mentality means you are not seeking much from your husband if you do stay at home. Because that is where you aspire to perform.

When i was about 20/21 i decided that i didnt want children. I will be honest and say that at the time it was simply because i didnt want a life of drudgery.
But as ive got older (im 43) i now realise the choice i made was quite a political and feminist one.
Not only have i escaped the aforementioned drudgery ive also escaped the criticism.

No wonder more women are making this choice. Two thirds of women 45 and over in 2018 will be childfree by choice. I turn 45 next year so i guess im one of those statistics.

The need to criticise the OP is so great that no one spotted she was being gaslighted by her DH This thread does not show the best of MN tbh.

Bluntness OP doesn't earn 55k. She used to earn more than her DH but that was before he got a massive promotion. He now earns more.

Helena some PP did raise possibility of gaslighting, but OP hasn't responded to it or provided more information.

"I can't even exactly specify why this makes me sad, perhaps makes me feel less like a woman and more like just his mate

I think this is what derailed the thread. It is seriously obnoxious. It's written as if that as she is a woman she has the right to not work and to stay home and take care of her child and he should work and pay for her. If he won't do this, then he is treating her like a mate and not a woman.

It's the sort of attitude most of us hate and to see it spelled out so baldly, and to spell it out to other women who may have no choice but to work, or who may chose to work even though they have a choice, is quite sickening.

I'm not sure why people are giving the OP a hard time on here?
She has a baby and very mixed feelings about leaving the baby in childcare to return to work full-time. Hardly the crime of the century.
When I was at that stage, there is no way my DH would have been forcing me to separate from any of our DC or making me worry about this in any way. He was honest about the fact he couldn't /wouldn't be changing his working hours, so given that, he saw it as his responsibility to enable me to stay with the DC if that was what I thought was in our best interests. I respect him for that tbh.

£55k is not that huge a salary really - it would Appear he is worried about the future financially ? PENSIONS , Brexit , etc etc

Sounds sensible to me but you need to talk obvs

Whoa what a toxic thread

Fuck me some Folk are nasty

You've been Daily Mail'ed

Stop posting folks

I think YABU to feel like "less of a woman" because your husband suggested going back full time. Surely it would have been a bit sexist and patronising to assume that you'd want to give up a decent career or take a step back? I agree with PPs that discussion is definitely needed as you've both made assumptions.

On these types of threads there always seems to be a lot of flapping about having to tell your husband what he's expected to do/how having two parents working full time is next to impossible etc. We've always managed it, but it can be tiring at times. I don't have a lazy husband who expects me to do everything though. (Although I never do the nursery run!)