Husband wants me to go back to work (ideally full time) after my mat leave

[shewhocannotbenamed]

I've never really planned on being a SAHM but I also never voiced a wish to go back full time post baby. In principle I don't really agree that LO should go to nursery before he's at least one but I was willing to do it for 2-3 days a week for the sake of my job (I've got a feeling they might want to replace me with my mat cover longer term, and if I come back after 12 months they are not obliged to give me the exact same position I occupied previously whereas this is guaranteed if I get back within 9 months.)

Also following my husband's recent (massive) promotion he is now on £55k and we have savings (to which I have very largely contributed as was previously earning more than him) so it's not like we really desperate for the extra income.

So imagine my surprise when we were viewing nurseries and he asked for full time rates. I told him I was only thinking part time and he accepted this but I could tell he was a bit... I don't know, disappointed?

AIBU for feeling a bit upset about this? Considering the costs of childcare it's not like I'd be bringing home much anyway whichever option we choose. I can't even exactly specify why this makes me sad, perhaps makes me feel less like a woman and more like just his mate? It's especially so as his mother never worked post children and also in the past he had a girlfriend who just chose not to work (no kids or anything) and as far as I understand he was perfectly fine supporting her.

We've just had his friend nip over a few days back to announce his wife was pregnant and my husband gone into giving him financial advise straight away including to factor in for the extortionate costs of childcare, and his mate just said "I'm not worried we have savings and I'd be happy for her to stay home with the baby." That just really did it for me - how nice that he didn't have some inherent expectation that the wife needs to constantly perform both at home and at work.

Given that you've seemingly had no discussion about the terms in which you word like to return to work i imagine he was as surprised at your plans for part time as you were to his request for full time nursery rates.

As he's not a mind reader I suggest you have this thing called a conversation.

I hear you. But I think you need to have an open and frank discussion with your DH rather than just feeling upset. He may simply not understand what it is that you want to do. A discussion framed as "I'd like to go back part time because I think it will be better for DS and for us as a family - can we make it work?" is a much better approach.

Agree with the others though - you go back full time, you split childcare and chores 50/50. And you make that very clear from the start - what says DH does nursery drop offs/what nights and mornings he gets up with him etc etc

I can't even exactly specify why this makes me sad, perhaps makes me feel less like a woman and more like just his mate?

I haven't got a clue what you mean by this. He hasn't even told/asked you to go back full time, unless I've missed something? He just suggested it. What's wrong with that?

You do need to make it clear to him though that if you go back to work even part time he will need to do more.

I think you need to sit down and chat through all the options. It sounds from your description that you have never really discussed what you would like to do and hence he has no idea what you want versus what his thinking was.

Also consider what you would do if work was unable to accommodate your flexible working request.

If you don't want to go back FT then don't. You have choices, make sure your opinion counts as much as his. Your point about the savings is a valid one, have you mentioned that to him? He may well resent your PT hours but you will definitely resent him if you feel pressured into FT.

So you're upset that he didn't magically read your mind and assumed that since you hadn't said anything that you'd be returning to work? This seems like something you could have sorted easily with a conversation at any point. It could be it never crossed his mind that you wanted to stay home with the baby once mat leave was over and didn't want to assume that was what you wanted if you'd given no indication. Not every woman wants to SAHM or pause their career. But if you want to make plans that effect everyone in the family, then talking them through is a good idea and double checking options with work. It could be that condensed hours work for you, shared role or part time or you may be told by work that the only position is full time and then you have to decide.

Maybe he wants you to work full time so he can be a stay at home dad? What are your thoughts about that?

Why should you assume you'll be able to be part time? Big assumption on your part I think. If my husband suddenly suggested he work pt while I carried on full time I'm not sure I'd be happy either. What if he's willing to work part time?

Why has this not ben discussed before? Why do so many people have babies together when they can't even have conversations with each other??

We talked about this stuff before we even get engaged! (that both of us would always work full time as indeed we did). Babies do very well with good childcare no worse than if with a mother, relative, father or anyone else so don't let that be your deciding factor. Perhaps if you want a parent at home you could work full time and your husband stay at home. Would that work for you?

I wanted to stay at home. My husband wanted me to go back part time. It caused some disagreements but his thinking was, I know what you're like, you'll be bored and depressed at home. You have a good job, keep your hand in.

DD is now 2 and we have another on the way. He was absolutely right. I enjoy the days with DD but I could not do it five days on my own, toddlerdom is hard going. She absolutely loves nursery as well, its a great balance that has worked really well for us.

Once DC2 is at the stage of being happy in nursery like DD is, my plan is to go back up to four days. Not that im in a rush, but it'll mean we can afford to move to a bigger place.

Do you even know that you will be allowed to return to work part time?

I can't even exactly specify why this makes me sad, perhaps makes me feel less like a woman and more like just his mate?

So your DH's assumption that you'll be returning to your job makes you feel less like a woman? I think you lost me completely at this point.

So you hadn't discussed it prior to going to look at nurseries, given that you only mentioned you were thinking part time at that point? Is he meant to be a mind reader? It is perfectly reasonable for him to have assume you would go back as you were before, if you have not otherwise discussed and agreed alternative plans.

Am also trying to understand the helping more bit. You say he already does 60-70%. Sounds like he is already doing his share of household work, giving you time to focus on the baby element.

For me it all hinges on whether he thinks all the childcare/household needs are your responsibility too, alongside working full time.

If he does then you have real issues!

I too am a little surprised you haven't discussed this earlier. but I'd be more worried if my husband had assumed I was giving up work than the other way round to be honest. I don't think it's at all unreasonable that he assumed you were planning to go back to your job FT if you hadn't said anything to the contrary. In fact I think it's you springing the surprise on him.

He's not a mind reader. Neither are you. You need to actually talk to each other

It makes sense to get the different nursery rates as it will help when weighing up your options. Of course money isn't the only factor but for most people it is a factor.

You really just need to talk all of this through together and come to a decision you are both OK with.

But he does need to know he has to do 50% of the over all work - which would include 50% of childcare and housework if you are full time.

How pregnant are you OP, or how old is your baby?

I said to him that when I go back to work I'd expect him to help more to which he replied (with some indignation) that taking care of LO will be "much easier" at 9 months.

Oh dear...no. Where on earth did he get that idea? It's going to get much harder before it gets easier. And that's years away.

Thank you for all the replies. I'm pretty sure I've said to him in the past that LO should only go to nursery part time but perhaps it didn't register with him? This happens sometimes - I tell him something and he just accepts it or sometimes even makes a comment, but some weeks down the line has no recollection of what's been said

Also I wanted to say that I'm definitely open minded about male and female roles in a partnership but I think perhaps this is precisely what makes me disappointed. I've always been pulling my weight, we live in a house that I bought, been working all my life, worked hard to go up in my career etc - so it perhaps makes me feel like he values me for all of that rather than just unconditionally? It might sound moronic but I guess for all the effort I've put in I'd expect him to be more appreciative and allow me a bit of a "break" - not that being a SAHM is a break by any stretch of imagination but it's clearly the way he sees it!

I love the way people can magically know that he expects you to work and do all the housework and parenting, not split it 50/50.

The OP hasn't said anywhere that that's what he implied or she thought he wanted, yet typical boring AIBU women jumped in to say so! She said he does 60%-70% whilst being out at work and of course most 9 month olds are easier than little babies.

You're a quite unreasonable for feeling this way and not discussing it with him OP.

Given that you haven't yet discussed it thoroughly- and there's no point berating you about that now- the best thing to do is to have a detailed discussion about it.

You going back to work full time wouldn't just mean paying nursery costs and sharing the housework- it would mean that he would have to do half the nursery runs, half the pick-ups in the middle of the day when they ring to say baby's poorly, half the days off with a sick child, half the night wakings, half the days when nursery isn't open but you still have to work, half the organising of what the baby needs for nursery (any special food, coats, suncream, replacing changes of clothes, finding missing items, paying bills, planning childcare dates, stocking up nappies etc- sounds trivial, but someone has to do it and if you both work why should it all fall to you?). If either of you has to travel for work it'll require a lot of detailed calendar planning.

I've worked PT, FT and been a SAHP since having my children, and I'd agree with you that PT is the most workable if your husband needs to focus on his job after a big promotion. It's worth keeping your hand in, as going back to work after a total break can be tricky.

But retuning to work after a baby isn't just a thing that you tell your partner in passing! It's something you sit down and have a proper discussion about. No wonder your communication is terrible if you are only 'pretty sure you have said in the past'

I said to him that when I go back to work I'd expect him to help more to which he replied (with some indignation) that taking care of LO will be "much easier" at 9 months.

I think differently hard is the best way to put it.

for example, you'll be able to put them down and they'll be able to stand/sit on their own, but on the down side, when you put them down, they won't stay where you just left them.

With every benefit comes a new challenge :D

Talk to him. I freelance while the kids are young, it's kept my hand in, and actually means that had DP not taken on a new job with a salary increase, I'd still be earning the same as him. I've had to fight tooth and nail for him to take responsibility though - showing him how hard it was for me to work whilst doing both dropoffs and pickups for example, so he had to take on one of them, enforcing that one of us does breakfasts and one does bedtimes so one person doesn't end up the defacto carer etc.