Husband wants me to go back to work (ideally full time) after my mat leave

[shewhocannotbenamed]

I've never really planned on being a SAHM but I also never voiced a wish to go back full time post baby. In principle I don't really agree that LO should go to nursery before he's at least one but I was willing to do it for 2-3 days a week for the sake of my job (I've got a feeling they might want to replace me with my mat cover longer term, and if I come back after 12 months they are not obliged to give me the exact same position I occupied previously whereas this is guaranteed if I get back within 9 months.)

Also following my husband's recent (massive) promotion he is now on £55k and we have savings (to which I have very largely contributed as was previously earning more than him) so it's not like we really desperate for the extra income.

So imagine my surprise when we were viewing nurseries and he asked for full time rates. I told him I was only thinking part time and he accepted this but I could tell he was a bit... I don't know, disappointed?

AIBU for feeling a bit upset about this? Considering the costs of childcare it's not like I'd be bringing home much anyway whichever option we choose. I can't even exactly specify why this makes me sad, perhaps makes me feel less like a woman and more like just his mate? It's especially so as his mother never worked post children and also in the past he had a girlfriend who just chose not to work (no kids or anything) and as far as I understand he was perfectly fine supporting her.

We've just had his friend nip over a few days back to announce his wife was pregnant and my husband gone into giving him financial advise straight away including to factor in for the extortionate costs of childcare, and his mate just said "I'm not worried we have savings and I'd be happy for her to stay home with the baby." That just really did it for me - how nice that he didn't have some inherent expectation that the wife needs to constantly perform both at home and at work.

Another way to look at this is that as a family unit all income is shared and thus an expense of £24k remains the same whether it is shared equally between partners or not - if one persons salary equals £24k it doesn't give any economic advantage for this person to work, but many think it offers benefits for domestic life and childcare

Thats not the case though. If you earn £24 and you spend £24 on childcare it's only cancelled out in the very short term. A lot of people (such as myself) would be worried about long term planning if one parent dropped out of the workforce and thus put a huge dent in their employability. What about 3 years down the line? When you potentially have one parent trying to break back into the workforce, as opposed to someone who stayed in and is now in a good position for promotion and extra responsibilities once the kid is in school. Kids get more expensive not less, childcare is replaced by extra curricular interests/needs. What about your future as a couple? The £24 "lost" on childcare is presumably still 3 years of workplace pension contributions. If you SAHM long term your pension planning also falls on your OH financially. If you have a second child, a working mother will get maternity pay etc. So the benefits go beyond whether or not the salary will be more than short term childcare costs.

TinklyLittleLaugh I agree with grass being greener thing. I'm a bit like you - I worked full time until the DCs were at primary school but then it just all started to unravel (combined with my mum being very ill and dying from cancer). DH simply wouldn't share the burden of responsibility, and in addition work was giving me a hard time for 'not bonding with my team more' i.e. spending hours in the pub after work I was made redundant and my boss actually said 'I bet you'll be pleased you'll now be able to spend more time with your kids?' Tosser.
My kids are now older and I'm now wishing I still had a corporate career which was taking me off and away from the drudgery!

OP. You're both living in a house that you bought?

Clearly there's a lot you need to check legally and financially just so you know where you stand. Including

• how much the mortgage and household costs are
• who's paying what
• in whose name is the house?
• who would be expected to pay the childcare - I'd presume it was a joint cost
• Exactly what the terms of your return to work would be whether FT or PT and what sort of job you might be offered/what salary if you go over the maternity limits
• What your local costs of nanny/childminding/creche/nursery actually are. Once you've done that ... talk to your man. and as PPs have said, do disabuse him of the fact children get easier with age ....

Good luck

Also op my eldest is about to go to school and I'm so glad I went back four days a week when he was 1.

He's thrived at nursery but more than that, I'm now in a position that I've proved myself as a part time employee/ hard worker and my work will consider being very flexible with my working days/hours so I can be around for drop off/ other school activities. That sort of flexibility is worth it's weight in gold and you quite often have to pay your dues a bit to get it!

My friend who stopped work and thought she'd go back when hers started school has realised getting a job around school hours is basically very hard.

He's thrived at nursery but more than that, I'm now in a position that I've proved myself as a part time employee/ hard worker and my work will consider being very flexible with my working days/hours so I can be around for drop off/ other school activities. That sort of flexibility is worth it's weight in gold and you quite often have to pay your dues a bit to get it!

My friend who stopped work and thought she'd go back when hers started school has realised getting a job around school hours is basically very hard

I did the same, had those years of PT service under my belt so I was able to go to them and say "I can increase my hours if I can work X,Y &Z" and they were happy to do it because I'ld already proved myself, and also I was in a position to say well if you say no I'll just stay part time. None of the new starters are on a contract like mine, they were all hired on the standard FT contract, I get to be home for pick up and homework etc. There are others on adjusted contracts but like me they got them after being an existing employee.

Here's the thing that you don't realise at the time: you actually have more flexibility with a baby/preschooler than you do with a school aged child!

DDs nursery started earlier and finished later than the wrap around breakfast/afterschool care at their school!
They wanna be at clubs/activities here, there and everywhere
There is homework to factor in (they don't do this at afterschool care)
The food at afterschool club is basically snacks not a meal
And then there's bloody inset days!
Oh and there is zero school aged kid care on bank holidays here, DDs nursery was open bank holidays if I had to work

• so luckily I don't need to use that now!

There is a lot more to juggle than just picking up a fed child from nursery who can go straight to bed if it's been a long day!

So in a way it's easier to establish yourself at work in the nursery years than wait until primary to try being the new person who has to prove themselves

Agreed Tinsel.

I am hoping to go part time once DS is at school so that I can do some homework and picking up and so on.

I bet he wasn't happy funding his dull, lazy ex and doesn't want to repeat the experience. He doesnt want to have to fund you and I don't blame him. It won't just be for a couple of years, your future earning capacity will be permanently affected. That will impact on the quality of life for your family particularly if anything were to happen to him.

Hilda sums it all up. I would not be in relationship unless we both worked full time because if it is not just a few years. In many jobs once one of you gets used to fewer hours they usually want to stay on them and it also gets harder to keep on the career track. Also his £50k is not a king's ransom. you might well earn as much as he does if you go back to full time work an get promotions. He is thinking about protecting the fmaily financially, preserving your career and your pension prospects and about family live over the next 20 years not just now.

Also from his POV I felt less financially secure when I first had my last promotion

Because big pay rise = more repsonsibility = more potential to fuck or and also if your juniors fuck up your head is on the line. I felt like I had a job for life when I was junior and paid less - was pretty impossible to fuck up or get fired! But the pay rise is a trade-off with having your neck on the line more often. So I understand his urge for the family to have another safety net since this new senior position is new to him.

Hilda sums it all up. I would not be in relationship unless we both worked full time

That's interesting, because I'd love both DP and I to work 3 or 4 days each rather than us both full time. Our quality of life increase would be immense. In fact, once the current startup I'm working with either succeeds (so I have staff) or fails I'm going to do do just that, and DP also has it in the works to cut down in the next couple of years too. Our kids and our mental health deserve it.

The most well balanced family I know are both in healthcare, and both work 3 days a week, so their kids go into enough childcare that they get to socialise and the adults get a break, but they also have an awesome amount of family time.

OP .... I've picked up that your DS is about 6 months, is that right?

You both need to be aware that it isn't going to get "easier" as your LO grows .... Just differently hard! OK, your child MAY sleep a bit better and not need to feed so often, but there is a whole load of other stuff to deal with - mobile baby, health hazard, grumpy teething baby cutting molars and worst of all separation anxiety .... Then once they hit two or three ... well I'll keep quiet about that for now,

Once they are at school, then it is easier as they are out of the house and they are more rational. But till then .... especially assuming that you go ahead and throw another one into the mix in 2 or three years time, it is definitely NOT going to get easier and you are in for 7 or 8 years of hard hard work.

So if you are working outside the home, that means you cannot be expected to do the whole traditional thing unsupported. You will burn out, and DH will never get any sex. Has he considered that angle?

I didn't want to go back to work once my baby was born. Not how I felt before I had him as I loved my job, went back part time lasted 4 months I just missed my wee one too much and felt that it should've been me at home to bring him up. I will go back to my career but only when I feel ready. Tell him how you feel and see how you get by on what you want for you and your wee one. You may feel completely differently once you walk through the door and it will do no good for your mh if you are hating every minute of it.

from reading your posts, it seems your DH is already not pulling his weight with DS, and that you feel undervalued. I've worked FT with both of mine, and I agree with tinkly, you always have some regrets whatever you do. I'd always work at least part time though to give yourself foot in the door/flex up options if needed. Regardless of whether you go FT or PT, you must sit down and thrash this out to a mutual agreement, rather than proceeding on the current basis.

DH and I didn't sort this out upfront, and by the time we had the second DC, we were both very tired and resentful with each other - he worked all the time, I worked FT (not as much as him) and did everything else and resented him for never, ever being there. Hard conversations only get harder if you proceed without a happy mutual agreement on division of labour.

the benefits go beyond whether or not the salary will be more than short term childcare costs.

go back part time if you wish but consider the long view. pensions, ni. etc. think of the gross wage and those contributions long term. what will your pension look like and his?

and that nursery is much easier running all week full time;

than school holidays - when actually you will love to to have the cash and paid leave to take a week off and have a nice holiday some place.

I think people are being a bit unfair saying you should have discussed it when ttc etc. Until you have the baby you don't know how you will feel. I always thought I'd go back 4 days a week, but now DS is 3 months and I'm not sure whether I want to go back at all, maybe 2 days if that can be accommodated but certainly not 4 days

And I presume you've told your partner this. That's just normal communication. You wouldn't just keep it to yourself, then get upset and make a mumnset thread when your partner starts organising for when you go back 4 days a week, would you?

And I presume you've told your partner this. That's just normal communication

^this

this couple have a communication problem rather than a DH is being a bit of a selfish bastard problem

He's not invested in family life.
You are the default parent, so he thinks.
i wouldn't be happy with this not least because he clearly has no respect for you.
Did he want a kid in the first place? Not that it matters now...

I'd hate to be with a guy like him.

I agree with those who say that because he doesn't do much of the childcare, he doesn't understand what it is that you do.

"He's not invested in family life.
You are the default parent, so he thinks"

I am afraid that could be true. And he thinks that on top of that, you'll be able to work FT and he'll carry on as he has been

I really like TinselTwins' idea of discussing this in great detail. Because it might not necessarily be the nest thing for him

*best

I agree with those who say that because he doesn't do much of the childcare, he doesn't understand what it is that you do

He's in a catch 22

If he gets involved he's told he does everything wrong (only the OP knows if the kid is tired, only the OP asks the right questions at nursery etc)

If he backs off and lets the OP do the things that she's basically telling him only she can do right, he's not involved enough.

It's not an uncommon scenario, It usually doesn't end well.

I would go back to work ensure I recovered my job.
You will discover when you are a single parent that you are grateful to have a decent salary

Actually, it wasn't TinselTwins' post I liked, it was Jng1

I feel you can't cook have you thought about what you will feed your child? Can anyone really not cook? Surely you can read and therefore follow a recipe. There are some great books around if you want to go down the children's food route or getting yourself started with cooking.