Husband wants me to go back to work (ideally full time) after my mat leave

[shewhocannotbenamed]

I've never really planned on being a SAHM but I also never voiced a wish to go back full time post baby. In principle I don't really agree that LO should go to nursery before he's at least one but I was willing to do it for 2-3 days a week for the sake of my job (I've got a feeling they might want to replace me with my mat cover longer term, and if I come back after 12 months they are not obliged to give me the exact same position I occupied previously whereas this is guaranteed if I get back within 9 months.)

Also following my husband's recent (massive) promotion he is now on £55k and we have savings (to which I have very largely contributed as was previously earning more than him) so it's not like we really desperate for the extra income.

So imagine my surprise when we were viewing nurseries and he asked for full time rates. I told him I was only thinking part time and he accepted this but I could tell he was a bit... I don't know, disappointed?

AIBU for feeling a bit upset about this? Considering the costs of childcare it's not like I'd be bringing home much anyway whichever option we choose. I can't even exactly specify why this makes me sad, perhaps makes me feel less like a woman and more like just his mate? It's especially so as his mother never worked post children and also in the past he had a girlfriend who just chose not to work (no kids or anything) and as far as I understand he was perfectly fine supporting her.

We've just had his friend nip over a few days back to announce his wife was pregnant and my husband gone into giving him financial advise straight away including to factor in for the extortionate costs of childcare, and his mate just said "I'm not worried we have savings and I'd be happy for her to stay home with the baby." That just really did it for me - how nice that he didn't have some inherent expectation that the wife needs to constantly perform both at home and at work.

OP - this was the line in your post which jumped out for me:
Considering the costs of childcare it's not like I'd be bringing home much anyway whichever option we choose.

You/your DH aren't assuming that the childcare costs are just going to come out of your salary are you? The nursery costs should shared between you (perhaps even pro-rata if you are earning less?)

£55k isn't much for a whole family
I'd go back part time

If he is doing 60/70 % of the household jobs..I am assuming some of the time with little one then I assume he will think no different if he returns to work.

Unless you are ill I would expect the majority of the household jobs done during the day.

I would also say 10 months is one of the tougher ages. You can't leave then anywhere they move and generally have no concept of what they should shouldn't touch, pull up on anything.

You both need to have a sit down chat.

How old is your baby now op?

You/your DH aren't assuming that the childcare costs are just going to come out of your salary are you? The nursery costs should shared between you

then that works out exactly the same.
If 1 salary = 2 salaries-childcare, there's absolutely no point going to work financially. Of course, if you want to go to work, have a career, are too bored at home, that's one thing, but you can't say you are working when you bring home nothing.

I have no opinion for or against SAHM and working mums, I have been both, I just don't agree with the reasoning (childcare coming off 2 salaries) because it makes no sense.

In his defence, I am aw worry wart when It comes to finances and if my husband decided he only was willing to work very part time, I'd feel very stressed out and the pressure of being the main bread winner for our family.
It absolutely should be a joint decision looking at the pro-s and con's but it absolutely cant be a fait acompli with you deciding and then telling him, Marriage should be about equality at all levels.

Op maybe he doesn't want the entire financial burden ? That's completely fair.
If so, he should take on 50/50 of the baby related stuff if you go full time.

@ArialAnna I entirely agree, I think women try to be a bit too fair these days not considering the sacrifices we as females make anyway rooted in simple biology - but that's an entirely different issue.

My DH would initially say how he would love to have the time to "bond" with DS etc but IMO he lives a bit in the dreamland since when he actually has the opportunity to be with LO, he either comes up with some chores for himself to avoid childcare or immediately attempts to put him to sleep (when I leave them together to take a shower for instance.) I told him off for saying such crap previously (2 months down the line when I was absolutely exhausted doing everything around DS and he was just sitting there with some idea listing vision of how great it must be for me) -

However recently I've said to him he could go part time or at least four days a week to which he replied that his contract is full time. That was literally the end of that conversation.

Be honest - if you want to stay at home say so! I get so annoyed with the excuse of 'oh I won't bring home much anyway'! If you were on more than £50k+ as you said, you'll bring home loads more! Even the best nurseries are £900 per month full time, I'm on over double that at £37k and that's including paying student loan and a whopping pension! My friend in the same job as me said the same as you. It's not true, own your decision.

If you can get by on one income, do it. You will never get those years back.

I would've been depressed as fuck had I followed this oft-trotted-out advice, BTW. (And permanently impaired as to my earnings and pension, not that that's important in comparison.)

OP, it definitely seems like both of you are making assumptions and haven't talked this through properly. I don't see any indication that he's opposed to you working less than full time - he has just explored the possibilities. Have a heart to heart and make a plan together - and yes, drop this antiquated stuff about how he doesn't think of you as womanly enough, because what?

Do you think it's fair to expect him to shoulder the burden of bread winning, op?
In my experience - and dh and I have both maintained full time careers as lawyers while raising two children one of whom has asd, so I know whereof I speak - marriages are much happier when you share the responsibilities across the boards. Dh and I jointly earn the family income, look after the dc and the home. I earn more than dh but he has better pension rights and job security so it makes complete sense for us both to maintain our careers. I see lots of couples with wife at home man at work and it doesn't look healthy to me. Dh and I understand the pressures the other us under very well because we are both facing the same challenges together and solving the problems together. It's the best way imho.

@Jng1

I'm not sure what his expectation was. I get a lot of stick for not discussing things with him properly but he is the type who ideally wants to avoid any difficult talk - or usually just agrees to whatever I want but then goes around upset for hours or even days.

When I said to him recently whether he could have the nursery fees come out of his salary he said something about there being an application deadline and missing it? So I guess part of him did think I'd just take that expense on? IDK

Either way it wouldn't make that much difference in the end as we are to merge our accounts

He was right to ask for full time rates e.g. to see if it was cheaper! (like how sometimes it's cheaper to hire a car for a full week rather than selected days). You were rude to butt in as if his questions shouldn't be answered, no wonder he was disappointed, he was just getting all the facts.

Going back to work, staying at home..neither is right or wrong, just a personal choice.

Often you don't know how you'll feel until they are here

My friend couldn't wait to get back to work after a few weeks, mine haven't ever been inside a nursery ever, because my self employment works around everything. It's all personal.

It sounds like he would expect full time child care and full time work from you. And no, babies don't become suddenly easier at 9 months. My 3rd DC is 14 months and he's bloody hard work!!

If you want to go back, maybe part time might be the answer, but don't feel forced either way. 55k is plenty to live on (IMO) we live on less than half of that

p.s. you told him off for saying he misses the kid and wishes he spent as much time with it as you do
And
When he does spend time with the kid you tell him he's doing it wrong (e.g. settling it when you don't think it should be sleeping)

Yeah, you guys have issues, you are 50% of the problem.

You sound like one of those women who complains that the DH doesn't father enough but whenever he tries to (e.g. asking questions at nursery or deciding the kid is tired) you tell him he's wrong and make yourself indispensable by making out like he's rubbish at it and you're the only parent who parents right, so he can never really find his stride with the whole daddy thing.

but you can't say you are working when you bring home nothing

This is an ignorant response.

My point was that childcare costs should be seen as a shared expense. There's a psychological impact of simply charging the cost of childcare against just one partner's salary which makes them think it's 'not worth it' and leads to petty comments like the one above.

So as a simple example:
Partner 1 earns £48K
Partner 2 earns £24K

Nursery for 2 kids @ £1000/month = £24k per year
If nursery cost is shared pro rata then effectively each partner's income 'net' of nursery costs is
Partner 1: £32K
Partner 2: £16K

Whereas if it's assumed that Partner 2 shoulders the nursery bill then £24k - £24k =£0 and it looks like it's not worth it?

And don't forget that a second person working will benefit from their tax free personal allowance of c.£10k

I'm not saying that someone should go back to work if they don't want to & agree a way forward with their partner, but I've seen several of my friends 'trapped' into this way of thinking that says that they should pay the childcare costs because they have gone back to work. WTF?
They had a family together didn't they?

Yet again I am amazed that this wasn't discussed before you ttc, rather than just as you go back to work.

On a practical point on the pay out of salary he might have been talking about childcare vouchers which you normally have to apply for at a certain point to come out of next month paycheck.

When I said to him recently whether he could have the nursery fees come out of his salary he said something about there being an application deadline and missing it? confused So I guess part of him did think I'd just take that expense on? IDK

Are you sure he didn't think you were asking him about childcare vouchers, as opposed to who actually pays?

Sounds like you guys don't communicate and whatever he says you assume it has the worst possible intentions behind it when it might be quite innocent.

"The obligation for working mothers is a very precise one: the feeling that one ought to work as if one did not have children, while raising one’s children as if one did not have a job.”

I don't know how true that is for other working mothers but it is certainly true for me. When I raised it with my DH he was... confused, is probably the best way to put it. He certainly hadn't thought about it before- it's not an obligation he feels as a working father. It might be interesting to have that discussion with your DH, and it is definitely essential to discuss that if you return to work, he would have to take on equal responsibility to you when it comes to the care of your dc. That's not just nappies and feeds and so on, either, it's knowing that it falls as much on him as you to take time off if the dc are unwell, to attend parent's evenings and assemblies and so on, to co ordinate childcare and later on school holidays, to be in contact with the childcarers and know the calendar and be responsible as much as you would be for making sure PE kit was ready on the right day, etc.

X post with Dishwashersaurous which nicely demonstrates how other people would interpret what he said Vs the defensive conclusions the OP leaps to about him.

He might not be wonderful, but OP you are not coming across as a wonderful partner either. You seem a bit keen to join in the "eugh! men!" rhetoric.

@Jng1

Another way to look at this is that as a family unit all income is shared and thus an expense of £24k remains the same whether it is shared equally between partners or not - if one persons salary equals £24k it doesn't give any economic advantage for this person to work, but many think it offers benefits for domestic life and childcare.

Hello – I'm a dad who went through a very similar thing to your bloke.

Before we had our kid we were very much equal partners moneywise – and afterwards I felt absolutely terrified that I was going to be the sole earner. This came out in much the same way as he's bringing it up (going on about cash etc). I was a bit of a prick TBH.

Speak to him about what he's scared about, but hold your ground. Maybe give a definite timetable (a year off work – then look for a p/t job?) Things change quickly, and it sounds unlikely you'll be in the poorhouse...(which is great).

To be a little bit more gentle on the OP, I'm not sure that every new set of parents has thought through all the ramifications of having a baby - especially if you don't have any family or friends who have been through it to advise. We certainly 'didn't know what we didn't know' as it were and did a fair bit of muddling through in the early years.
I agree with others though - you do need to get used to sitting down and discussing/planning things with your DH. This is the time to flesh out all those 'hidden assumptions' with one another:

• who is going to do the nursery drop offs each day?
• who is the first named parent to be called when your child is sick?
• who is responsible for packing the 'nursery bag' each night and emptying (&washing) the contents at the end of each day
• who is going to be responsible for making sure your child still has clothes that fit them as they grow up?
• who is going to name and label each item of clothing?
• who is going to organise the numerous fancy dress costumes they will need throughout the year with 24 hours notice ?

And so on... but you get the idea. (Hint - if you haven't discussed and agreed that it is something your DH will do, then he will assume it's your responsibility...)

What Arial said upthread. Pre kids you can discuss these things until you are blue in the face. But once your child is born, you could well feel completely different about everything.

I had a major wobbler after DC1 was born and desperately wanted to stay at home with him. DH was fine with it. We were skint but it all worked out in the end. I've never worked full time since.

Now in my 50's, some of my contemporaries are at the height of their very successful careers and I feel certain pangs for what I might have had. I confided as much to my career driven best mate the other day. She is still very resentful that her DH insisted she went back to work when all hers were 6 weeks old.

I guess I'm trying to say, there is no right way or wrong way, and not even any guarantee that the decision you make now will be one you are happy with in 20 years time. Just go with how you feel.

shewhocannotbenamed - yes, I agree you can think about it that way - as in all income being shared.
However it was an earlier poster's comment that I took issue with.

I've done both (worked and been SAHM) Although it may look as if it doesn't give any economic advantage to work do consider factors such as:

• personal tax allowances
• NI contributions for future pension
• 'keeping a hand in' at a career you might want to return to later
• sanity! Many people value a break away from their children, and a chance to 'be an adult' again - even just for a few hours/days a week!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!