Husband wants me to go back to work (ideally full time) after my mat leave

[shewhocannotbenamed]

I've never really planned on being a SAHM but I also never voiced a wish to go back full time post baby. In principle I don't really agree that LO should go to nursery before he's at least one but I was willing to do it for 2-3 days a week for the sake of my job (I've got a feeling they might want to replace me with my mat cover longer term, and if I come back after 12 months they are not obliged to give me the exact same position I occupied previously whereas this is guaranteed if I get back within 9 months.)

Also following my husband's recent (massive) promotion he is now on £55k and we have savings (to which I have very largely contributed as was previously earning more than him) so it's not like we really desperate for the extra income.

So imagine my surprise when we were viewing nurseries and he asked for full time rates. I told him I was only thinking part time and he accepted this but I could tell he was a bit... I don't know, disappointed?

AIBU for feeling a bit upset about this? Considering the costs of childcare it's not like I'd be bringing home much anyway whichever option we choose. I can't even exactly specify why this makes me sad, perhaps makes me feel less like a woman and more like just his mate? It's especially so as his mother never worked post children and also in the past he had a girlfriend who just chose not to work (no kids or anything) and as far as I understand he was perfectly fine supporting her.

We've just had his friend nip over a few days back to announce his wife was pregnant and my husband gone into giving him financial advise straight away including to factor in for the extortionate costs of childcare, and his mate just said "I'm not worried we have savings and I'd be happy for her to stay home with the baby." That just really did it for me - how nice that he didn't have some inherent expectation that the wife needs to constantly perform both at home and at work.

I've not worked since having my first and he's 18 it's been the best thing for our family and we are on loads less than you. If you don't want to go back to work you'll have to tell him

When you talk about, talk about all the practicalities as well so everything is out in the open. With us, DH does drop offs as I'm at work when the nursery opens. I do pick ups. He cooks once a week minimum (mainly as it means DS grows up without expectations that men don't have to cook). We alternate bath/bed time so that if there is a disruption with work, either of us can do what is needed without thinking twice. Laundry and cleaning is shared (normally whoever isn't doing bathtime cleans kitchen, the whoever isn't doing bedtime does a quick tidy/sorts laundry). The quicker you establish a fair routine, the easier life is.

And as TheStoic says, there's no steady path to easy parenting as babies get older! You'd hope to be past the sheer exhaustion of the newborn stage, but actually the toddler stage can be pretty demanding- small mobile children with no fear, no sense of consequences and a lot of very strong and loudly voiced opinions is no picnic!

I'm sorry but I'm still so amazed that you actually got to the stage of viewing nurseries without having ever discussed this properly apart from a random offhand comment that you'd maybe just like to go part-time. Is there a general lack of communication between the two of you? Why don't you just talk it out honestly with him, and tell him your views?

However I do agree with pp that I don't get the whole 'makes me feel like less of a woman' thing, even having read your further explanations. If anything I think I'd feel like my DH wanting me to go back full-time meant that he respected my career.

Sorry but you need to start to pull back from doing everything house and child related NOW.
Of curse, he sees you gong back to work as easy because he has NO IDEA how much work is involve in looking after a small child.
It doesn't matter that it will be easier at 9 months (it probably will). The thing is that he should be involved NOW, not when it has become easy enough for him to handle.
Then once he has an idea of hard itnis and that he WILL be asked to pitch in 50/50 then have a conversation about going back to work
Is worth doing financially?
Is it the right thing to do for your DC?
Is it the right thing for you? I.e. Do yu want to go back to work full time/part time, until DC starts school?

I have to say I would also be tempted to do a dry run of a few weeks. And see if he will actually step up.

Because atm it seems that he is living in dream land where you going back to work full time won't be an issue (for him) because DC will so much easier there will be work left to do....

I don't understand how it is that you were earning more than £55k yet couldn't afford a full-time nursery place.

You say you pull your weight, yet he does 60-70% of the household chores, so what you're really saying is you used to pull your weight financially, as you didn't do that around the house. But you seemed to think that you could get away with doing less provided you brought in more of the money.

Don't you see how it looks?

Why don't you leave LO with him alone for a weekend - Friday eve to Monday morning and you come back in just as DH is going to work. Have it unrelated to this or discussion - find any excuse like going to support a sibling etc and say it'll be good practice for you being away from DC. Leave him with instructions but don't let others step in to help. See how he finds childcare then.

...this work discussion, should've read

I'd agree that regardless he needs to pick up some of the childcare - just because he needs to understand what needs doing. Unless you're breastfeeding, it could be 50/50 during the times when he is at home. I'd expect you to pick up more of the household stuff in return though - 60/70% when you're the one at home all day is really a pretty high proportion

If I wasn't going back to work I'd ensure that I'd have discussed it with my partner, not 'pretty sure that I told him'.

Just saying.

Personally I'd be bloody offended if my dp just assumed I was going to be a sahm or work part time. Horses for courses and all that!

If you go back 4/5 days per week it needs to be made clear your DH needs to pull his weight at home. But in many respects he sounds like he is doing quite a bit anyway ie 60-70 percent of the chores plus working. £55k is actually not that much to support a family on. It prob works out something similar to 2people earning about £25k each once you've factored in childcare. I have a friend who earns about that and he is resentfulhe works in a v stressful job whilst his wife is at home (DS about12) and struggles with money because wife refuses to work. Would it be difficult to go back to your previous job in say 8 years time (which, if you have another will prob be when they are both at school)

write a list of everything that is done around the house housework wise. (include things that you would not necessarily think of eg:like wipe fridge shelves before putting in new shopping...) and rough time each takes. and child rearing rise. (arrange play dates, buy nappies, plan birthday gifts)

divide up the list together so he can do his half of childcare and housework while you both work.

mine came back from pils with the idea I would go back to work. told him that would be fine but this is what he would be expected to do if so... (included nursery drop offs and pick ups making tea washing up etc while I did planning. looking after the children all day saturday so I could do the 8 hours planning and prep required... ) funnily enough he went off the idea.

I'm always intrigued as to how people in a partnership can get to this point without having had a discussion about quite fundamental things like childcare?

I take it you didn't discuss it before getting married? Before TTC? Whilst pregnant? In the first half of maternity leave?

I guess you are where you are now but IMO people should discuss these kind of things in advance to avoid this exact kind of situation.

Why would working make you feel like less of a woman? I find that an odd concept?

Can you not sit down with your equal partner and have a discussion about it over a cup of tea? You may be making all kinds of assumptions about what he thinks and how he feels and you won't know unless you discuss it with him...?

I don't think it's any more unfair that he's assumed you'll go back to work FT than it is that you've assumed you won't.

To some extent I do understand where you are coming from about being a SAHM- sufficient family income, wanting to care for your son etc. I had a conversation with my DP when he raised this when our DD was 1 yr I think - when was I going back to work full time? My response was no problem - which days can you drop off / pick up, we'll have to alternate taking time off got sickness and of course you can only play golf once at the weekend not both days as of course I will want a full day for my sporting activity.
Yes of course both parents can work full time and raise happy healthy children, but let's be honest, for most couples this means the mother takes most of the burden of arranging child care back-up, cleaners, catering, all the home building arrangements etc. My DP was unwilling to commit to a more equal share and my full time job entailed a 3 hour daily commute so part time, local and self employment was the way to go for us.
The most important thing is to talk about it - in detail not just general terms

Why are people acting as though he won't be able to handle half of the childcare and housework if they both work? He does more than 50% now according to the OP.

Just because you have a partner who is lazy round the house, blackeyedsusan, please don't assume all men are.

I was planning to go back to uni when dd is one in September but as the time approached I decided she was too little for me to leave her even though my course would only be 3 days a week. DP was surprised as he expected me to go back, but he agreed that it is in DDs best interest for me to stay at home until she is 2 when she can go to my DMs playgroup when I am at uni. I think that DP would prefer me to go back sooner as we have had the agreement that once I've graduated we will swap, I will work full time and DP will be a SAHD as he has worked so hard to allow me to stay home with the baby and he wants to have the bonding time with her that I have had. Maybe discuss doing something like this with him? He can't expect you to go back to work and continue doing all the childcare and housework so you need to get this into his head before you make any decision.

My response was no problem - which days can you drop off / pick up, we'll have to alternate taking time off got sickness and of course you can only play golf once at the weekend not both days as of course I will want a full day for my sporting activity.

What was his reaction, DPotter? Did his mouth fall open?

Seems bizarre to me that you just expected to be the one that stayed at home or worked part time while he supported you. What if he'd decided he was going to stay at home and have you work full time to support him? I bet you wouldn't have been happy about that.

Honestly, some women want it all ways. Why does it make you feel "less of a woman"? Because you want to stay at home with the baby while he brings in all the money and does 70% of the housework. Can you not see why that would make him feel slightly pissy??

My response was no problem - which days can you drop off / pick up, we'll have to alternate taking time off got sickness and of course you can only play golf once at the weekend not both days as of course I will want a full day for my sporting activity.

So he never spends a day with the family? He just golfs every weekend? That's awful regardless of his work. I work full time and can't imagine also just being away from DS for both weekend days, does he actually love his children?

Oh yes, don't forget to discuss sickness cover (the first couple of months at nursery mean the LO is probably going to pick up any bug going. Decide if you're alternating being responsible for picking up and staying home through bugs, or rotating months. (I'd recommend him taking the first month as you'll still be settling into work again).

I think it utterly bizarre that this has made you feel like his mate and not a woman!

He's being sensible. It's really hard to get back into work after taking time out.

Regardless you need to sit down and discuss everything properly - i.e. How you both see this working, finances, cover when baby is ill etc.

I've not been able to do loads around the house while on mat since our DS is so bloody demanding. He needs attention pretty much since he wakes up at 6 am (and it's always me who starts the day with him this early) up until 8 pm when he goes to sleep (thank God he only wakes up once at night otherwise I would have gone mad - oh btw I can count on one hand how many times my DH took a "night shift" - yes one wake up a night is not much but it really adds up over a period of 6 months :-/ )

I still manage to do day to day maintenance, he hardly ever comes back to a house that is a complete tip (perhaps 2-3 days so far when DS has been an absolute nightmare) I normally try to have everything tidy and in order, wipe kitchen tops and table, make the beds etc at the very least, all whilst carrying the baby on my right arm or in a sling (though DS is not a big fan of the sling either so usually can stay in it for 15 mins at a time.) Therefore he doesn't do any chores in the week apart from tidying up after dinner if he makes one for himself (that's my biggest downfall I have zero cooking skills so if he wants a dinner usually has to sort himself out - I know I'd get a lot of stick for this but trying to be completely honest here.) So his help with chores is really doing the weekly clean on Saturdays - and to be honest au wouldn't mind doing it instead (and listen to my favourite podcast for instance) and for him to take care of the forever whinging DS.

He also likes to come up with some tasks for himself that I feel he likes doing because they guarantee he won't have to do much childcare (I mean I'd love to go to Homebase to look for some gardening stuff, on my own and with no distractions.)

So the whole thing of him doing household chores is not exactly that great the way I see it, but okay at least he's not some slob who seats around playing on an Xbox while I run around doing it all.

I think people are being a bit unfair saying you should have discussed it when ttc etc. Until you have the baby you don't know how you will feel. I always thought I'd go back 4 days a week, but now DS is 3 months and I'm not sure whether I want to go back at all, maybe 2 days if that can be accommodated but certainly not 4 days.

I will get flamed for saying this but I think that the mother does have more right in the relationship to SAH than the dad. After all we carry them for 9 months and have to suffer the often permanent toll that pregnancy and childbirth take on our bodies. That said if my DH wanted to go part time as well, I would definitely want to make it work if we can, but as much as he loves LO he wouldn't want to do that. I imagine the OP's DH is the same.