AIBU talk be down off this in-laws related ledge

[BeverlyGoldberg]

I know AIBU but hear me out.

Further to my MIL post last week, SIL is now being a PITA.

She is coming to DD's christening at the end of the month but her H is not and the excuse they gave was that he was having a second stab do (they got married in February) at his golf club. Apparently he had checked if it could be moved and it couldn't so, with regret, he can't come. Fine.

Until... up pops on Facebook last night, photos of him with the caption "second stag do at the golf club". She posted them, knowing I'm her friend, as he is not on Facebook.

I'm poised with a PA comment of "oh so the event COULD be moved, shall I book one more place at the Christening or do you want some time to think of another excuse?".

I mentioned it to DH (it's his sister) and he just said "maybe he's having loads of stag parties". But unlikely tho isn't it, that he'd have more than one with the same group of friends when he's already been married three months.

Please talk me down off this ledge because I'm pretty close to brining down a shit storm.

I think what would annoy me most is not the fact they lied but the fact they were so fucking stupid and/or inconsiderate that they posted it on Facebook

If you're only upset that she lied to you why don't you bring that up in a very non confrontational way, after the christening. Surely you want a good, open and honest relationship with her?

Tell her you don't want her to feel she has to lie to you and ask what you can do to improve the feeling that she needs to. And then maybe also be prepared to hear something about yourself thats not your best feature?

So you get it off your chest, improve your relationship with her and maybe even yourself. Positives all round :)

The church I am nominally christened in doesn't do confirmation so the giving your child the option post could be wrong, depending on the church.

I don't do christenings. I'm an atheist at worst, an agnostic at best and I will not go to church for an event that is all about welcoming a new baby into the body of the church and making promises I cannot keep as I hold no faith (the congregation make promises in the church I used to attend)

I do do weddings, and funerals, but a christening is different for the reasons above.

OP, it's important to you, it's not to your BIL. He made a polite excuse and has been caught out. No big deal. And I don't see why he has to go to support his wife - she's only a godparent?

"a christening is giving the baby the option in later life of being confirmed into the faith

That very much depends on what religion it is, you may be entirely wrong about that."

Hmmm... a CHRISTening.... wonder why on earth it might be called that.... I think you'll find other religions have other names for it!

You make promises at a Christian wedding though, as the congregation. I don't really understand the angst. If the vicar is happy for you to chant along without any belief and your friends / family want you there why be so stubborn?

Also I have seen so many people say this over the years then cave immediately when asked to be godparent for certain people.

I wouldnt want to have someone who could lie to my face as a Godparent to my child.

Or someone so stupid as to forget the lies they told and then drop themselves in it.

Not, again, in the church I attended - the congregation do not make promises.

Hmmm... a CHRISTening.... wonder why on earth it might be called that.... I think you'll find other religions have other names for it!

I think you'll find that there are lots of different christian religions, and they are all different, including with confirmations etc,which was what the remark you quoted (out of context) was about.

ifeelcrap surely you get invited to weddings outside of your fairly untypical church? Particularly since you aren't part of that church's community so assume the weddings you go to are from friends and family elsewhere?

To be fair a brother in law at a christening is not essential and they have told you he was not attending

Personally I think it is harder when IL's try and demand things are changed to suit them etc eg if he or SIL had tried to demand you moved the date to suit BIL and you then found he was doing so trivial etc (type of thing my MIL would try it on with in relation to my SIL )

If BIL is just generally not in to that kind of thing just repay the favour and don't go out of your way for him

Only registry office /in hotels etc I haven't been invited to anything else. Most of my friends are non-religious and family are all living in sin! bar one brother who got married in a hotel.

It's more that he couldn't be bothered making an effort for DD

But she won't know.
If there was a christening in DH's family (who live miles away, thankfully) I probably wouldn't go. I cover my family responsibilities and he covers his. I've made excuses too, for example his niece's 18th birthday. It's him they want to see, not me and all his family in one place at the same time is far too much for me to tolerate.
In a nice way.

I wouldn't want to make somebody come to my event if they didn't want to be there. It's not even as if he's related.

well you could passive aggressively like her photos...

it's shit. another reason i hate fake book. if you're going to lie you have to have a very good memory.

I have a small family. None of my cousins are married (I only have 3 cousins my dad was an only child my mum had one sister). Only one of my siblings (brother) is married and he got married in a hotel, other sibling is living with partner but no plans to marry.

My kids aren't married yet.

My friends are non-religious in the main and any weddings they have invited me to have been either in the registry office or at a hotel type venue.

Surely that isn't that unusual?

Leaving aside the fact that it's a Christening - which I know isn't to everyone's tastes - the fact that they were invited to a family occasion, she has lied on his behalf about the excuse not to be there and then posted about it on Facebook - that's rude

Yes, this is what I was going to post. It doesnt matter what event you had invited them too and I agree BIl is within his rights to beg off!

However lying to you then posting about this on FB is rotten. Sorry but it is, its really rubbing your nose in it.

It could have been anything " sorry we cant come and visit you this weekend we are in spain" then posting on FB from a pub a few hundred meters away from your house etc is rude.

Sorry you have this op, I dont know your other thread. Just grin and bear it, your morally in the right here and its thick or cruel or callous of her to lie then post about it on FB.
I wouldn't say anything about it - but if you were so minded at the event itself you could perhaps ask her in more detail about his numerous stag doos and how his pics looked fun!

PyongyangKipperbang Tue 09-May-17 18:34:30

YY this too

I am glad you decided not to post anything OP as it may have made you look a bit over the top in reaction to what basically is, other people have a life going on too.

Try to relax, and enjoy things, instead of focusing on stuff like this.

I was a Church warden for quite a few years and have seen/helped at quite a few Christenings.....

Guests who can't tell the time, turn up as it's finishing or part way through creating a drama.

Guests who go out half way thro for a smoke.

Guests who talk all the way through.

Guests who bring massive cameras and film it all, despite being asked not to. Getting in the way of proceedings.

Guests with out of control children. It's easy to keep them entertained - sweets, a colouring book, toys.

The joke about buying a suit for a court appearance - it also doubles for a baptism.

The unsuitably dressed - poured in and now bursting out.

Most, the vast majority, are fine, enjoy it, join in and understand it's significance. Enjoys yours, their excuse is both crap, rude and insensitive. In all honesty your probably better off without the chap. SIL probably happier without him too.

I've enjoyed many.

Might not want to come - might think it's a boring way to spend his weekend, but we do have to do this for our own / other halves family sometimes! Might actually manage to turn up have a few drinks and a laugh with a someone and realise it wasn't going to be as boring as he thought

Look...he's your husband's sister's husband. He's not pivotal to your Christening and it's a bit self-important to be furious that he doesn't want to go.
It is clear by your posts that you would not have appreciated the truth that he didn't fancy it, so he lied to get out of it. It's not cool to lie but you know what? Christenings are a drag. I lie my way out of them too.

But would you lie then post your lie on FB and tag in the person you lied too!

YAB a bit U. As this is your PFB it is ok. Most people unless religious just see christenings as a formality. I don't think it is his way of snubbing your dd.

He doesn't want to come so just leave it. Wasted energy and worry.

Don't ask if he'll be coming as he obviously doesn't want to, and you'll seem a bit obsessed with the whole thing.

It's really not a big deal to non-religious people. In fact, I find christenings positively offensive as an atheist. Why would I celebrate something I find ridiculous and that offends my (non) faith?

Leave him be. They were probably trying to spare your feelings and she forgot what excuse was used.

Don't embarrass them or yourself. A christening isn't all that.

Why didn't you ask him to be Godparent too? If you have asked his wife he maybe sees it that you have slighted him by not asking?