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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU talk be down off this in-laws related ledge

165 replies

BeverlyGoldberg · 08/05/2017 07:00

I know AIBU but hear me out.

Further to my MIL post last week, SIL is now being a PITA.

She is coming to DD's christening at the end of the month but her H is not and the excuse they gave was that he was having a second stab do (they got married in February) at his golf club. Apparently he had checked if it could be moved and it couldn't so, with regret, he can't come. Fine.

Until... up pops on Facebook last night, photos of him with the caption "second stag do at the golf club". She posted them, knowing I'm her friend, as he is not on Facebook.

I'm poised with a PA comment of "oh so the event COULD be moved, shall I book one more place at the Christening or do you want some time to think of another excuse?".

I mentioned it to DH (it's his sister) and he just said "maybe he's having loads of stag parties". But unlikely tho isn't it, that he'd have more than one with the same group of friends when he's already been married three months.

Please talk me down off this ledge because I'm pretty close to brining down a shit storm.

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 08/05/2017 09:18

“It's more that he couldn't be bothered making an effort for DD.”

I don’t expect my BIL to make an effort for my DD. Men generally aren’t interested in other people’s children, even if they are family. He is only related to her by marriage as well, so I think you need to lower your expectations.

My BIL is a staunch atheist and didn’t even go to his own daughter’s christening.

I wouldn't be offended about the non attendance, but I would be about the lie, but I think kicking up a shit storm would be counter productive. I would just "like" the Facebook post to let him know that he has been rumbled.

I don't see that your SIL is being a PITA BTW.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/05/2017 09:31

Id rather gouge my own eyes out than attend a christening or baby shower. I have no interest in other peoples babies.

HellonHeels · 08/05/2017 09:35

Is he not just following the MN line of "it's an invitation not summons"?

Would it have been better if he just declined without excuse?

Seems to be he just doesn't want to go, reasons unknown but probably can't be bothered with god stuff/other people's children/getting done up in a suit/getting up early/going to church? (I'm a christian but can understand non-religious people not wanting to be there).

He's not a godparent; your SIL will be godparent and she's going to be there. Be nice to her and do your christian duty by ignoring the rest of it Grin

Wotshudwehave4T · 08/05/2017 09:43

I'd leave it OP, you're mad because he's lied to you. He doesn't want to go for reasons unknown, don't try to engineer him being there - it's still a lie if he's there. He's wound you up, if he's not there you can forget him and concentrate on what matters. Do the Christian thing (relevant as Religious event) and accept differences in all forms.

LostPeppers · 08/05/2017 09:52

Hell if I had been at the OP's place, yes I would much much prefer a polite NO rather than lies.
I would also have preferred a polite NO told by the BIL rather than a cop out told by his dw (aka couldn't even be bothered to give the message himself!).

An invitation isn't a summon. That's why you don't need to lie when you want to say NO......

user1493022461 · 08/05/2017 09:58

I'm poised with a PA comment of "oh so the event COULD be moved, shall I book one more place at the Christening or do you want some time to think of another excuse?"

You would look like an utter tit if you did that.

I think it's a bit crap as she's being a Godmother, you could argue that he should be there for his wife, if not rest of the family

Does she need a lot of support to be Godmother? Do you make it very onerous?

ScarletForYa · 08/05/2017 10:04

Leave the man alone, he doesn't want to go!

He's not even a blood relative, you're making a show of yourself!

MiaowTheCat · 08/05/2017 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/05/2017 10:15

I think he's being rude. It's his nieces christening, it wouldn't hurt him to suffer along like the rest of us do, especially when his wife is a godparent. You just do, don't you?!

I think that sometimes your threads need to be read in conjunction with your previous threads. Those of us who know more of the background have a bit more sympathy for your position & know you're really not a 'zillion 💐

Your SIL is dimmer than an energy saving light bulb. You can't possibly expect her to be able to get her lies straight!

I'd wait until the day then say something like 'I saw your FB photos of DH's stag do. If he didn't want to come today, he could have just said so'

She lied. She posted the photos. Fair enough to call her out on it.

user1493022461 · 08/05/2017 10:19

It's his nieces christening

Many people don't consider their partners nieces and nephews to be theirs. They don't have to, technically the term means the child of your sibling, not the child of your siblings-in-law.
Some people choose to see them as such, but it's not for you to say, its for them.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/05/2017 10:36

I haven't read OP's other threads but here, she comes across as - rough, frankly, someone who behaves aggressively for a hobby, or because she has no other idea about how to behave. '...pretty close to brining down a shit storm', really? How crude, horrible and embarrassing you seem OP.

For your own sake, it would seem a good idea to concentrate your time and energy on people you like and who like you. Maybe you'll find some peace and happiness that way.

Christenings are about introducing a child into a church. Adults are there because they are part of that church community, or have a connection to the family and feel warmly towards that intention.

Post-christening parties are, well, parties and usually quite low-key, dull ones. People go if they think they're going to enjoy themselves (demonstrating good will to the host and other family members is part of that - done because it makes the doer feel good). They don't if they don't.

You sound as though to you, this is all about status. You want to be able to command an audience, somehow assert your position within your wider family.

Pride isn't on the biblical list of deadly sins for nothing. It is dangerous and damaging. As you are demonstrating.

Hissy · 08/05/2017 10:46

I'd actually ask if SIL would prefer you to chose another person to be Godparent? Tell her that you will find someone else who does consider this an honour to be asked?

Let's face it, being a godparent is a responsibility if he can't be arse to even lie convincingly, he's not likely to be overly supportive of her being that godparent.

Choose someone better.

Your SIL is dimmer than an energy saving light bulb

LOVE this :D

mummytime · 08/05/2017 10:50

I would be fine with him not coming - but I would make it perfectly clear that i wasn't fine with being lied to.

hackmum · 08/05/2017 10:54

I think it's fine not to want to attend a family event, particularly if it's your spouse's family, but I do think you should have the decency to think of a convincing lie, such as already seeing an old friend that day, on call for work, whatever it is. There's something about the stag do lie and then putting it on Facebook that suggests they won't even pay you the courtesy of a well-thought-out lie.

Rachel0Greep · 08/05/2017 10:58

I wouldn't like the lie.

However, I genuinely don't understand why he would need to be there because his wife is the godparent.

YNK · 08/05/2017 11:06

Comment "?" under the post.
Put the ball in her court.

Caken · 08/05/2017 11:09

Just 'like' it so she knows you're aware of what's gone on, leave her to squirm and see how it plays out. Easier said than done but be the bigger person.

NinaMarieP · 08/05/2017 11:10

I think it's pretty lousy for anyone to be so desperate to avoid a christening even if they think it will be boring.

You marry into a family you're part of that family and that includes nieces and nephews. How would your BIl feel if he has/had kids and only their blood relatives bothered to come to parties?

I've been to some pretty cringy christenings (dull birthdays, meals that are not to my taste) I always go to them because I get to see other family members, it's only a couple of hours out of my life and it means a great deal to the hosts.

I think it's particularly sad that a few people have said that as. BIL he's off the hook as it's not really his niece...

My fiancés sister has a 3 year old and she is absolutely my niece blood or not. Her father isn't married to the mother but they are together and I consider him my brother in law. I already consider him my unborn son's uncle and I would be upset if he lied/made lane excuses to avoid an event that was important to me.

fruitlovingmonkey · 08/05/2017 11:16

It's a christening. It will be boring. He doesn't want to go.

Stop making a drama out of nothing.

lalalalyra · 08/05/2017 11:51

OP, ask yourself honestly why they lied.

Would you have reacted badly if he'd said "I don't believe in it, I'm not coming"? If you have then they've tried to spare any offence, perhaps because it sounds like you have previous issues with the in laws.

My DH doesn't do christenings. He doesn't believe babies should be brought into their parents religion, he is religious, but thinks it should be an adult decision. I'm not religious, yet I don't mind going to christenings if religious people choose to have one. Sometimes he's honest, because sometimes people accept that he's entitled to his own beliefs, sometimes he says there is a clash because people don't and he's not wanting to cause hassle over a christening.

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 08/05/2017 12:18

Leaving aside the fact that it's a Christening - which I know isn't to everyone's tastes - the fact that they were invited to a family occasion, she has lied on his behalf about the excuse not to be there and then posted about it on Facebook - that's rude.

It possibly will be a dull in comparison to other things he could be doing with his day but I've done dull things in the name of celebrating family events.

I'm not arsed that he doesn't want to come, it's more the lying and not even bothering to try and be discrete about lying that has upset me.

However I am aware I am being unreasonable in wanting to post a picture of some pants on fire on my facebook - I shall sit on my hands!

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 08/05/2017 12:20

Lala and other PPs - a christening is giving the baby the option in later life of being confirmed into the faith. I christened DC but there was no confirmation - DC's choice. However DC's godparents have come up trumps with advice, affection and the occasional bit of practical help.

I agree with PP - tick the FB photo of the picture of the stag do and let that do its evil work! Either SIL will phone to explain the truth ... or she'll be so embarrassed you'll be looking for another godmother.

And I love Liney's Christening from Hell ... good on the vicar.

user1493022461 · 08/05/2017 12:22

a christening is giving the baby the option in later life of being confirmed into the faith

That very much depends on what religion it is, you may be entirely wrong about that.

LineysRun · 08/05/2017 15:35

And I love Liney's Christening from Hell ... good on the vicar.

milliemollie I like to think of the vicars of the north-east running a sweepstake on who can keep the heathen statement-christeners trapped in church the longest Grin

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/05/2017 21:20

SIL posting about it on FB does seem somewhat provocative.

No need to reply with a PA message, just say to her at the Christening, 'looks like BIL had a good second stag night (WTF) the other night. What's he up to today?'

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