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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU talk be down off this in-laws related ledge

165 replies

BeverlyGoldberg · 08/05/2017 07:00

I know AIBU but hear me out.

Further to my MIL post last week, SIL is now being a PITA.

She is coming to DD's christening at the end of the month but her H is not and the excuse they gave was that he was having a second stab do (they got married in February) at his golf club. Apparently he had checked if it could be moved and it couldn't so, with regret, he can't come. Fine.

Until... up pops on Facebook last night, photos of him with the caption "second stag do at the golf club". She posted them, knowing I'm her friend, as he is not on Facebook.

I'm poised with a PA comment of "oh so the event COULD be moved, shall I book one more place at the Christening or do you want some time to think of another excuse?".

I mentioned it to DH (it's his sister) and he just said "maybe he's having loads of stag parties". But unlikely tho isn't it, that he'd have more than one with the same group of friends when he's already been married three months.

Please talk me down off this ledge because I'm pretty close to brining down a shit storm.

OP posts:

Happyfeet1972 · 08/05/2017 07:57

Is he religious? I know some people who strongly disagree with child christenings and wouldn't attend. May be SIL thought it was more polite to make an excuse then say BIL is fundamentally against what you're doing (obviously it may be that he's not and he just can't be arsed which is fair enough too).

FluffyWhiteTowels · 08/05/2017 07:57

Oh dear OP. It's a special event for YOU. And you're wanting to force others to to comply with your wishes.

I can imagine other thread ... SIL is being precious about everyone attending her DC christening but my DH said he'd rather have his teeth pulled out as it's not his 'thing' and it's causing arguments. AIBU to make excuses for him.

BadKnee · 08/05/2017 07:57

A lot of jumping to conclusions here:

Was the party moved at Sil's H's request or for other unrelated reasons or a bit of both?

Will SiL's DH now come, ( but hasn't told you yet), think that if he changes plans it will upset everyone or still not come for his own quite justifiable reasons.

Whichever way - a shit storm is ridiculous.

Other people's ceremonies are dreadful usually and are to be avoided if at all possible

Original poster

BeverlyGoldberg · 08/05/2017 07:58

It's not he religion element that's bugging me. I completely understand that christenings aren't everyone's cup of tea. It's more that he couldn't be bothered making an effort for DD.

SIL is a Godmother so I would have expected him to be there.

I just think it's poor form to lie about it and then be so blatant on FB.

I know IBU about calling her out.

Thanks for talking some sense into me

OP posts:

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 08/05/2017 08:02

Weddings can be boring too, but if you changed babies christening for wedding, I think you would have different reactions. People may well find these things boring but within families there is an expectation that these events will come up and would it have been so difficult for the BIL to attend for a couple of hours? The lying and then putting it on FB is awful, if they could not be honest then they should have been more discreet.

However I would not actually say anything in your shoes, but it would certainly colour my judgement of SIL/BIL in the future, I would not be able to trust a word they said and would not be rushing to do any favours for them if they arise.

ADishBestEatenCold · 08/05/2017 08:17

"SIL is now being a PITA"

Why? Because her husband isn't going to her nephew/niece's child's christening?

In what way is that her fault or responsibility? She is supporting you, her brother and her nephew/niece ... one would think that would make you feel closer to her, not cross about it.

You've said you know you're being unreasonable, but don't send any PA messages to your SIL (that would make you the PITA, for sure). Simply be glad that she cares enough about your family to want to be a godparent.

Instasista · 08/05/2017 08:21

"Today 07:29 RunRabbitRunRabbit

Where I come from a christening is a religious ceremony in a church. Why would non-religious people go? Is there a party or something afterwards? Presents? Is he expected to give up his whole day to watch a baby be promised to a religion he doesn't adhere to?"

Where are you from that your christenings are so different from English/ Irish ones?

Most people christen for tradition and a celebration.

It's no one else's business really. Why would a guest get het up on religions behalf?

FrozenMixedVag · 08/05/2017 08:29

its really rude not to go if your SIL in godfather!

Laiste · 08/05/2017 08:33

Good for you to be accepting YAB a bit U

The thing is - you're seeing it from your DDs point of view. And (assuming she's a baby) she doesn't have one :) In the nicest way this is not about making D, it's about making an effort for you.

Going on from there - one half of the couple IS coming. Is SIL religious? If not, perhaps he disagrees with non-religious people being god parents. Perhaps he really feels he'd rather not go to church for something he doesn't believe in. Perhaps he'd simply rather spend his day off doing something else and as his wife who's the one being a god parent then he thought he wasn't needed?

Laiste · 08/05/2017 08:34

that was meant to be not about making effort for DD

Laiste · 08/05/2017 08:41

My feelings on a christening are:

if it's really all about God then the important people are the parents, the god parents, your vicar and your usual congregation. Witnesses such as other family are just nice extras.

if it's not all about God then it's ... i don't know ... basically a family party and there's no massive need for each and every member of a family to turn up.

So either way - in my eyes it's no big deal for only SIL to attend.

LedaP · 08/05/2017 08:41

A christening is normally for the adults. Not the child which is why a lot people object to them.

Its not like a wedding at all. Where 2 adults are involved.

Original poster

BeverlyGoldberg · 08/05/2017 08:42

I'm not that bothered if he doesn't want to come. I think it's a bit crap as she's being a Godmother, you could argue that he should be there for his wife, if not rest of the family.

However to lie about it and then be so blatant on Facebook is pathetic.

I just need to tie my fingers together today so I don't post something sarcastic in Faceache.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 08/05/2017 08:44

Sil is not really being a PITA. I very much doubt the facebook thing was maliciously aimed at you.her dh is being rude but you need to ignore - 'bring down a shit storm' really? Language like that for this type of thing does make you sound like hard work.

LedaP · 08/05/2017 08:51

Why does she need him there when becoming a godmother?

Is she religious? Godparents, unless you are a religious family anf the godparents are religious, doesnt really mean anything. They promise to help bring the child up in the faith. If non of you are particularly religious....it actually means nothing.

Its nice to be asked. But in reality dordnt actually mean a great deal unless you are religiousm

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/05/2017 08:57

Her husband is being rude and infantile. I'd be pissed off too. Let it go though.

elephantscansing · 08/05/2017 08:58

SIL is now being a PITA.

No, she's not. Her DH is lying to you - his responsibility, his stag do, his lie. Not hers.

Laiste · 08/05/2017 08:59

I was 'there' for my DH when he became our nephews god-parent. It was uncomfortable morning for both of us.

He's as religious as a crisp packet and everyone knows it (ditto the boys parents in fact) and had to stand up there ''renouncing the devil'' and swearing to god to help bring the boy us in the christian faith. I wasn't ''allowed'' to stand with him because i haven't been christened and am therefore a heathen. (I was mightily relieved if i'm honest) but it all felt so wrong.

It was all a bit cringy and felt like a farce. I just felt - and sorry if i offend anyone - but what was the point of it all? Lying in the name of God. Why not just have the big piss up in the pub party for the baby and leave it at that?

NavyandWhite · 08/05/2017 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeverTwerkNaked · 08/05/2017 09:03

I think you are being the christening equivalent of a bridezilla ... A Christeningzilla?
He clearly doesn't want to go, there's no need to be dramatic about it though.

HildaOg · 08/05/2017 09:03

I'd wonder why they lied. What would your reaction have been if they had just told the truth? "Bil won't go because he doesn't want to"... Would you have gotten upset or tried to talk him into going? If so, that's why they lied.

If people view you as someone who won't respect their no, then they'll make excuses. If you want others to be honest with you, you have to be known to them as being accepting of their views.

I'd tell her there was no need to lie, that if he didn't want to go he should have just said so and it's no problem. If you can't say that then you have to go along with the excuse because they're only making excuses because they think the truth will be a problem for you.

Instasista · 08/05/2017 09:05

Tradition Laiste. People do lots of things for traditional reasons that you could easily do more cheaply and easily if you missed them out.

Instasista · 08/05/2017 09:06

I don't think that's true Hilda. Lots of people lie just because it's easier, not because they've considered whether their no will be accepted

LostPeppers · 08/05/2017 09:13

I personally dont accept lying. If you don't want to go because it's bo ring or for religious reason, then say so.
Don't lie to me 'to protect my feelings' (because let's face it, lying is always presented as a thing to do to be nice to the other person). At the very least, out your big girl (or boy) pants on and talk to me.

The danger with lies lies like this is that you also take the risk to be found out and to look crap. You take the risk of creating a huge storm (see the reaction of the OP). Is that really worth it??

LostPeppers · 08/05/2017 09:18

Beverly what I have noticed is that the responsibility to tell you that your BIL isn't coming went down to her. Not him.
So first, your BIL isn't even 'manly' enough to stand up to the consequence of his own decisions.
Two, it is also possible that actually your SIL doesn't quite agree wth his position (who knows) but agreed to cover him up.
OR she has no problem with him not coming, came up with that lie and promptly forgot about it so put the stuff about the stag do on FB wo thinking.

With her being the god mother, I can see how it grates TBH.

However, you've made yourself clear. She knows you know. It will be interesting if she decides to brush all that under the carpet or if she can come And apologise.

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