To not be prepared to make changes

[AngelThursday]

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

LedaP, no offence to the OP, but I think she sounds sheltered and naive. As unfair as it may seem to people, when you get a divorce, the lifestyle you've been accustomed to has to be taken into consideration.

Trying to compare our life to the OP's is like comparing apples and oranges, in my opinion.

You have a cleaner, dog walker and gardener?

Your son is 15?

What is it you do exactly apart from being a kept woman?

You sound very spoiled. And 10 years of no sex or intimacy? If I was funding my partners lazy lifestyle and not getting anything back I would have an affair too!

I feel really sorry for your DH.

OP - I think the biggest problem you have is that your husband has lost all respect for you, not just as his wife but as a person. He is asking you to get a job because he is interested in seeing whether his respect for you can be rekindled. He wants to know whether you are prepared to take a share of the responsibility for the state of your marriage and whether you are prepared to take action to save it.
You are demonstrating that you are not.
What do you believe your husband thinks of you as a person (not as a mother)?

I also remember your thread where your 15 year old was off sick and you were upset DH wouldn't work from home so you could attend your hobby.

I don't live in your world, I am LP, work, I am the cleaner, gardener, take me DS to and from school, no dog walker but don't have a dog however do take care of the guinea pig myself..All this organising you do I have to do pay the bills, do all the washing and ironing and cook plenty meals from scratch ( not all)

When I read your messages you seem very entitled and really don't show much compassion to your DS or DH. It seems to be all about you.

As I have said I do believe DH is planning to divorce you ..Other than the money status I am not sure what you are getting out of this marriage... I don't condone his affair but actually in this case there seems to be nothing between you.

I find the irony that you walk the dog 4 times a week means you are doing your bit.. I would really know how you manage to fill your day. How much of this is to benefit your family..How much is about your mysterious hobby.

Hmm...

I'm a single parent to 2 children, one with an additional need. I work full time. I also cook from scratch 5 out of 7 days a week (the children eat with their dad the other 2) and bake a couple of times a week.

I don't have a dog because I don't like them. But I have friends who do and they walk them before work.

I also have hobbies and see friends in the evenings.

I had a bit of a stint at being a SAHM. I was bored to death. I do not know how you have managed to sustain it for so long.

You cite all of those things as reasons why you are not boring. But none of those things are particularly interesting, or make you an interesting person.

Your son needs to become independent. It wouldn't hurt him to get home from school on his own. My daughter is 11 and gets home before me. She spends 30-60 minutes home alone each evening and she loves it. It's her time to chill/do music practise/get her homework done/watch a bit of TV... before her brother and I get in.

I can't imagine living a life as without substance as yours.

Op you say you have several holidays a year. Is this with or without your husband?

"I can't imagine living a life as without substance as yours" FFS. Just because someone doesn't have paid employment, doesn't mean their life is without substance.

OP I do agree that being a SAHM may mean you might be a bit boring to your DH, just because your lives will be so different. You haven't mentioned anything you enjoy doing together and the way you write about your relationship makes it sound like you live very separate lives. What do you talk about when you are together?

Is it possible the reason he wants you to get a job is not so you can add value to the household as such, but to add value to your conversations and interactions? So you will have something in common? I know in my relationship we talk a lot about work and the people and it does make life more interesting and the other person more attractive than when they just seem to do nothing all day.

Some harsh comments here seeing as I was the one cheated on! He stopped asking for sex many years ago so I presumed he was happy with the arrangement.

Stop. You are positioning yourself as the victim here, which does you no favours at all. Affairs are often a symptom of other issues within a relationship. You don't say whether you were both enjoying a mutually enjoyable sex life prior to the affair. Just a guess, but I suspect the reality was that you didn't want a sexual relationship and your H got fed up of being constantly rejected. If I am right, then you need to accept responsibility for your own part to play in your marriage problems. Nobody should have sex if they don't want to, but equally people have the right to want warmth and intimacy in a long term relationship.

You walk the dog four times a week and you cook balanced and nutritional meals - big fucking whoop welcome to every day life! Do you have any idea of how entitled you sound? You have help in the house - which is great. But what are you actually doing with yourself all day, every day? You seem to think that having had a child and agreed to be a SAHP automatically entitles you to a life set in amber with no flexibility or change. Your child is now a teenager and in 3 years will be a legal adult. What then?

I feel sorry for you because when I read your posts you remind me of this woman

Wake up. Where's your self esteem gone? Bleating on about people in your circle who have similar lifestyles is completely irrelevant - unless you place greater importance on keeping up with the Joneses than you do on having a happy marriage? You need to be very careful; I agree with PP who have said that it sounds as if your H is planning to leave as soon as your DS goes to Uni.

Sorry, I'm not condoning his affair AT ALL, but you don't work when your son is FIFTEEN, have a cleaner and dog walker and haven't had sex with your husband in TEN YEARS!!! I think you have some serious soul searching to do, this sounds bizarre, and I wouldn't be with my partner if he did those things.

It sounds like a rather unhappy set up for everyone. You haven't said anywhere that you love your DH - yes I get you'd be upset about the affair, but it does seem all about the home set up to you, rather than any genuine distress or anger about what has happened.

I hate to say this but I don't really blame your H for seeking sex elsewhere. It sounds like in addition to the lack of sex, there was also a lack of intimacy, or love or respect, that would kill just about everyone after such a long number of years.

If you want to have any chance at all of maintaining your lifestyle, then the simplest answer is to resume sleeping with your H. I suspect the other points would become moot if that was happening.

But to be honest I think you'd all be happier accepting that the relationship is over and figuring out how to move on.

FFS. Just because someone doesn't have paid employment, doesn't mean their life is without substance.

No, you're quite right. But all the women I know who don't WOH spend some of their week volunteering or doing charity work once their children are at school. You know, giving something back. Contributing something to society. That sort of thing.

By her own admission, the OP does fuck all really. What does she talk about? Or get passionate about? What does she get excited about?

It sounds an awful lot like she is ticking lifestyle boxes and not a lot else.

Her husband shouldn't have had an affair, but a man dong what she is doing would be called a cock lodger and a waste of space; a good for nothing who is spongeing off his partner and giving little back. I don't see how she is any different.

You say you know many women who stay at home with grown up children etc which is true but I expect that their DHs are happy with the set up and are probably in intimate relationships.

I do feel for your husband to be honest and I'm very against infidelity. Could you not at least cut down on the help? Ironing doesn't take that long when you have all day to do it...

FWIW my Dad asked ex step mum to get a part time job once the children grew up, she refused so he left. You need to be prepared that this is a possibility if you refuse to work.

There's only 3 of you in the large house. it can't take much to manage.

I cook every day, from scratch, I bake, I walk my own dog twice a day (three times today) and I have a cat. And I work full time and have a boyfriendypartnerperson who doesn't live with me so I travel to see him regularly too.

You sound indolent. Not lazy. More indolent.

You need to waken up and smell the coffee darlin. There ain't no free ride in life and yours is, I suspect, about to come to a shuddering halt. Your son will be off to uni / life in a few years and you'll be redundant.

What do you actually DO all day every day? I mean. Come back from taking son to school and ...

On that note.Your son can get the bus. He's an only child, it would be good for him to socialise with peers, and would build his independence.

What stands out to me about the OP's posts is that she doesn't seem to have any interest in or feelings for her husband at all, only for the lifestyle he enables. It's pretty clear that she'd be just as happy divorced... as long as the bank balance stayed the same.

I'd be long gone just for that. I don't think there's any doubt but that he will divorce you at some point in the fairly near future.

OP, beware clinging to this 'I was wronged so I don't have to change' posture. The brutal truth is that your access to this... relaxed lifestyle always depended on his acquiescence. Well, now he's withdrawn it, and not unreasonably. He should have left you long ago. He shouldn't have had the affair, no, but with your general contempt for his feelings and, presumably, his desire to stay with his son, I can have some sympathy for why he did.

Your world sounds so incredibly small and boring. What do you have to strive for? How are you growing and embracing life? You're stunting your child just to give yourself an excuse to hide from real life. Game over, time's up.

Why on earth are you trying to make this marriage work - you both need to separate for your respective happiness.

You are being unreasonable and I just wonder what your OH is planning...

I've got a feeling the only reason OP hasn't left her husband is because of her cushy lifestyle.
Please don't expect any sympathy from anyone here - most of us are hardworking parents or parents to be.
I run a household, am doing a degree full time (and with nursing it really is FULL TIME), work bank shifts, and am planning to continue upto 38 weeks pregnant (currently 25). I will take maternity and then return to my course to qualify as a full time nurse. I cook, clean, do laundry and have hobbies. Get a grip OP.

Do people actually live like this?

If I was in your position I would be doing charity work or volunteering. Contributing to society in some way.

You are just lazy and I have no respect for you.

You are also setting a terrible example to your DS.

You'll get to a stage where your DS won't need you as much as you think he does. Then what?

Do people actually live like this?

Well they clearly exist like this. I wouldn't really call it living. Which is, presumably, partly why her husband looked elsewhere...

She's actually no different to the lazy men who don't work and insist on spending all day playing on the XBox whilst their partner goes out to work and pays all the bills.

The comments are not harsh, OP, they're accurate. Take note of them.

I can't believe I'm saying this and it must be one of the only circumstances possible for me to say this, but perhaps he was right to cheat on you since you haven't considered his feelings one bit for the last decade at least.

I mean, I work full time and still manage to walk my dog twice a day. Walking your dog four times a week does not make you busy

AngelThursday I have not read all the comments so feel free to ignore me.

I am afraid unless your husband has been abusive or whatever (in which case you would certainly have my sympathy) then, if your opening post basically sums it up, you are being very unreasonable.

I don;t blame him at all for having an affair and I am surprised he has chosen to stay. In your shoes I would do all I could to make things work. Unless you no longer love him, in which case I would work out a way to end the marriage and move forward.

So I don't see why I should change when I am not the one who did wrong. If OH wasn't happy with the set up he should of said rather than seeking comfort elsewhere.

Yes, ideally he should have said something earlier, but he is clearly saying now that he isn't happy with the set up and your response is "I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests" (which is possibly why he didn't ask previously, as he expected that sort of reaction).

You need to be careful OP, I think you stand more to lose than your husband. Which isn't to say you need to give into his every demand but you do need to decide whether you want to work at your marriage, which means compromise, or whether you would be happy with your husband walking away.