To not be prepared to make changes

[AngelThursday]

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

LedaP, she needs to get in there quick before he does, regardless. Too many people have been negative on the OP. Yes, she may have lived a much more privileged life than the majority of us, but she has been cheated on, and it seems like he's now trying to manipulate her to get himself a better deal with the divorce.

Guess what? People manage to cook balanced and nutritional meals from scratch even if they work!

People also manage to walk the dog 4 times a week if they work!

You just want to keep painting and scratching your privileged arse with your equally idle rich friends.

I think your husband should do the right thing and end this marriage. He obviously can't stay faithful and shouldn't have had an affair. You are overly pampered and privileged and it's gone on for so long you've come to expect to live like it forever.
I suspect he'll stay around until your son leaves home but staying together for a child isn't ideal.

dancing you know people that dont let their 15 year old stay home? With no sen?

You know couples where one has imposed celibacy on the other?

phyllis or he has been manipulated into being walking wallet for years.

So what if she does? That's the set up the OP and her DH agreed when they had a child.

* If as a couple, they decided for OP to be SAHM, and now the goalposts are being moved, that's not on.

I doubt he agreed to

Op being a sahm
Having a gardener
Having a cleaner
Having a dog walker
Changing work plans at last minute so op can attend hobbies
Refusing to never leave the child alone, even at 15
Driving a 15 year old to school to justify not working
To the OP never having to work again
No intimacy for 10 years

Most couples who decide one should stay at home, will intend for the sahp to work at some point. Or at least do stuff at home.
Add message | Report | Message poster*

This was what I was trying to ascertain- the OP in her last update seems to have presumed she would be a SAHM until and beyond her DS goes to university, but it is not clear if her OH actually had the same presumption...

The difference here is that he has facilitated this for years, seemingly sought alternatives outside of the marriage and is clearly making plans for a split, where let's not kid ourselves it would suit him if he can demonstrate the OP has an income/ability to sustain her own expenses.

This is not a situation I would like to be in, but think that the OP really needs to consider her next move very seriously, perhaps via a good solicitor whilst she actually still has access to finance.

Horrible situation and I do feel the poor DS in this sorry saga is being overlooked by both parties.

If I was you, I'd take him to the cleaners. Get a solicitor and try to get as much money as you can while the kids are under 18. Him trying to get you to get a job sounds like he's preparing for a divorce. Get in there first.

I think it's unfair to 'take him to the cleaners', the op doesn't deserve a life of luxury for nothing (and she really does read like she does the bare minimum).

However, I do agree he's probably trying to get her to stand on her own two feet before the inevitable divorce. He deserves to be in a happy relationship, though he's a coward for not doing it the proper way sooner. I feel more for him than the op, despite the affair. He sounds like a man trapped and is only going along with it for his son's sake.

Apologies my attempt at bolding the text above failed ;-(

So what if she does? That's the set up the OP and her DH agreed when they had a child.

Agreeing to one being a sahp is entirely different situation the OP is now in. And most people do not eant a marriage without intimacy. One person imoosing it on another is awful. Especailly if they wont try and tackle it.

The OP has no need to be a sahm. She even accepts 'until ds leaves home' wasnt agreed. She assumed.

You really think one person can take some much from a partnership?

Get a job. He's going to get a divorce the minute your son turns 18. And I can't say I blame him.

He stopped asking for sex many years ago so I presumed he was happy with the arrangement.

FFS.

Sorry for spelling mistakes. Dyslexia and fat fingers are not a good combo

This thread has given me an insight to world that is so different from mine that I didn't even know it existed. I live in a reasonably affluent area, but I don't know anyone who has stayed home the entire time the children have been at school, has a housekeeper, gardener and a cleaner, and lives with a husband in a brother sister style relationship rather than as husband and wife.

It is just weird.

"I think it's unfair to 'take him to the cleaners', the op doesn't deserve a life of luxury for nothing (and she really does read like she does the bare minimum)."

He has enabled her lifestyle for an extended period of time, though. If he was sexually frustrated, he should have gone to therapy with the OP to resolve her intimacy issues. Too many people enjoy affairs because they get off on knowing that they're doing something wrong.

I still don't condone the affair. He should have left your arse.

And those who think she should take him to cleaners need to read the thread again. If anything I'd say she owed him money

If I were him I'd do exactly what he's doing to get things arranged to my advantage once I piss off. If I were you, I'd walk now while you still have a minor child and no job.

Utterly unreasonable & a sucky partner (in the literal sense of only being there to suck what you can out of your husband) to boot

phyllis did the op not hold any responsibility for sorting her issues out?

If the person who is having problems doesnt want to fix it. It cant be fixed.

It doesn't sound like the OP and her husband speak to one another really. So what was agreed 16 years ago seems a bit thin to hang a whole lifestyle on.

I also know women who have never worked since having children. I think it's a bit odd personally.

I don't think having a cleaner, gardener or dog walker are that unusual if you are well off.

I also know people whose kids cannot get to school without being driven, especially if it is a private school out in the sticks.

However, OP I think you should go and see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row. Get copies of all finances etc. There is no harm in being prepared.

I make balanced nutritional meals, from scratch, every one. I am a SAHP due to my husbands high earnings, but my eldest is 5. I also do all the cleaning, food shopping, house admin and homework with my children. I still have free time and manage to have sex with DH now and again. you know what, I know parents who WORK FULL TIME and do the same.
your life is rediculous and your husband should of left you before the affair as he is getting nothing from this relationship. the fact he has asked you to change a few things to get back on track and your still digging your heels in speaks volumes. I have nothing against your lifestyle, but you are taking the piss. massively!

OP, most people do all the 'managing a household' tasks you do, and work full time, without hired help. I can see why your husband thinks you need to pull your weight.

Too many people enjoy affairs because they get off on knowing that they're doing something wrong.

Yes but that doesn't seem to be the case here. The op admitted that he just 'gave up' on asking for sex, it sounds like the whole relationship just fell into a rut. Sometimes you just turn around and nothing has changed for 5 years, it breaks you. I'd be craving affection and someone who does more than 'bake and walk the dog 4 times a week' as well.

He should have left years ago, however I read it as 'she gets to live as a lady of leisure whilst I have a relationship with someone I actually like, win win'. Now she's found out, it seems he's saying 'well if I can't have a relationship with someone that actually wants me/intimacy, you can bloody well pull your finger out for once'. The op can't have everything her own way.

Sounds like a very cold household.

I don't know what caused the initial lack of intimacy so can't judge. For all we know the husband just wants sex and isn't intimate or affectionate in any other way. That would kill any sex drive in me. We've heard of loads of women on these boards whose sex drive has dwindled for whatever reason.

Sorry OP I think you are most definitely BU.
Taking your issues one at a time - while I would never support an affair I can see why your DH did after such a lengthy period with no intimacy. I think you need to ask yourself if you have a marriage to save.

A 15 year old does not need a SAH parent. Sounds like you have had an incredibly privileged life are are reluctant to give up your lady of leisure lifestyle. It's past time you found a job and started supporting yourself a bit.