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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be prepared to make changes

504 replies

AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:19

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsPicklesonSmythe · 07/05/2017 20:02

I'm dying to know what the hobby is.

PoorYorick · 07/05/2017 20:03

I don't understand people who don't like sex, refuse to have it, think it's not important, but suddenly find it extremely significant if their partner has it with someone else.

user1477249785 · 07/05/2017 20:05

OP you don't have to make any changes you don't want to make. You just need to know that all decisions have consequences and that, if you don't, your OH may decide enough is enough. So I'd weigh carefully which you think is the lesser of two evils: having to get a part time job, or potentially ending up divorced.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 07/05/2017 20:06

No affair is ever right but I can see why he did. No sex in ten years and just being seen as a cashpoint to provide you with the easiest life ever? No wonder you don't want to leave.

He has probably seen the light and realised he's being used hence the test.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 20:08

If you were disabled or chronically ill, I could understand the no sex. I get you have an issue or blockage about it. However you've done nothing about it. That stinks and it's so disrespectful to your husband, who is giving you a fantastic lifestyle.

PoorYorick · 07/05/2017 20:11

If memory serves, it was some sort of course that the OP didn't want to have to catch up on having missed a session.

It's interesting that she needs to be at home all the time because her 15 year old mustn't take public transport to school, but when the kid is actually ill, she mustn't be inconvenienced.

So I don't see why I should change when I am not the one who did wrong. If OH wasn't happy with the set up he should of said rather than seeking comfort elsewhere.

Neglecting your partner and treating them like a bank/domestic drudge/sexual servicer, is doing wrong. An affair is never right, but I wouldn't feel much loyalty to a man who refused to sleep with me for years on end and, more importantly, refused to acknowledge that it was a legitimate issue for me. Why is it only that vow that people care about? What about 'to have and to hold, to love and to cherish'?

I'll bet a pound to a penny he tried to talk about it many times but when you continually made it clear that you didn't give a shit about him as long as he was bankrolling you, he just gave up asking because he knew it was pointless.

To answer your question, yes, you are being very unreasonable.

rollonthesummer · 07/05/2017 20:12

ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener

OMG-what DO you do?!

Oldbutstillgotit · 07/05/2017 20:13

Why do you post on here OP when it is perfectly clear that you have no intention of taking on board the almost unanimous criticism of your standpoint? H

Whatsforu · 07/05/2017 20:13

Sounds like you are living separate lives. Why are you staying? YABU about not wanting to contribute or support yourself.

Redlocks28 · 07/05/2017 20:14

It sounds like he would be much better off without you, you sound like a total cocklodger female equivalent.

If/when he does divorce you, you will have to get a job, I expect!

SuperBeagle · 07/05/2017 20:14

YABU. You've no reason not to get a job, and him "earning highly" is not a reason. Your son is 15, not 15 months.

RobinHumphries · 07/05/2017 20:15

MrsPicklesonSmythe the hobby is painting. In a previous thread the mentions it as she has her class and wants her OH to work from home as the 15 year old isn't feeling well and she doesn't want him left on his own.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 07/05/2017 20:15

I've read your latest update OP and I cannot believe that you're not taking any responsibility for the state of your marriage. It sounds to me like you've treated him as a walking bank balance. Those things you describe? They don't make you special, they make you a mum. Running a house, cooking, baking, all the day to day tasks that millions of people do every single day without needing a pat on the back for it. You sound detatched and cold.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 07/05/2017 20:17

Hold up.

You don't work outside the home.

Your son is too old to need constant mothering.

You have household staff.

You have denied your husband sex for ten years.

Why exactly did you think your husband would remain celibate and bankroll you forever?

Do you even love your husband or is he just a meal ticket for you? Confused

PhyllisNights · 07/05/2017 20:17

I feel really sorry for the OP. I think some of these comments/insults are uncalled for.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 20:19

To be fair to the busband here, he hasn't said she has to get a job, he's said either reduce the help he is paying for and she do a bit more, or get a job. I think that's fair. She is unwilling to do either it seems,

So I don't see why I should change when I am not the one who did wrong. If OH wasn't happy with the set up he should of said rather than seeking comfort elsewhere

well he has said now op, and you don't get to have him fund your lifestyle as some form of punishment because he went elsewhere. he doesn't have to pay for you as some form of retribution. And yes you did do wrong, you took advantage.

When you say you're working in your "intimacy issues" I assume you don't even want to have sex with him, you're just basically offering to shag him occasionally if he keeps the cash rolling in and doesn't change your lifestyle in any way,

hippoesque · 07/05/2017 20:20

If you don't want to have sex then why is he not allowed to find it elsewhere?

ilovesooty · 07/05/2017 20:21

I don't think they're uncalled for. They're accurate as far as I can see. In fact I'd go as far as saying withdrawing sexuality, refusing to work at the marriage and sponging financially off your spouse could arguably be deemed abusive.

SemiNormal · 07/05/2017 20:22

If I was financially supporting someone to stay at home and do fuck all and was getting absolutely nothing in return I'd feel I'd been taken for a right mug. There is NO WAY on Earth I would have stayed in that situation. Do you actually want to be with him OP or is it just convenient as he is providing for you and you can fuck about not doing very much all day? Affair aren't great, he should have left instead - but you have taken him back and it sounds like this affair is now just another tool in your arsenal to get what you want. Either you accept his affair and move on from it or leave, you cannot keep using it to bash him with if you want to save your marraige.

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2017 20:23

OP you said "I am receiving help for my intimacy issues but am finding it v hard to trust OH. 4 1/2 years is a long long time ..."

But before the 4.5 year affair there was (correct me if wrong) 5.6, an even longer time, when there was no sex or intimacy your relationship. Where you getting help then?

For what it is worth I don't think it's a problem for you tonne home with a 15 year old, driving him to school etc. I'd love to love that life. And if your Dh wanted that, which you said he did....
"hence me staying home, at his request. He also likes that I am able to take DS to school and has never wanted him to struggle getting there, even now that he is older as the school day is long what with extracurricular activities and clubs."

So be it. If/when you divorce make sure the settlement allows for the fact you have up your career for 15 plus years to raise your son.

But clearly this affair has shaken you, and I am sorry for that. But under the circumstances I don't really feel you Dh has been so unreasonable.

PhyllisNights · 07/05/2017 20:25

If anyone finds the OP unreasonable, then they can tell her in a fair and polite manner. There is just no reason for people to be chucking insults at her. She didn't post this thread to be roasted.

As for comments about her not having sex? She's a wife, not a prostitute getting money for sex. If he was sexually frustrated with the OP, then he should have told her of his intentions and taken them both to therapy.

Sorry, as annoying as it may seem to some people, she has a different lifestyle to us. We're all born the same, and we all die the same, but we don't all have the same experiences.

Allthebestnamesareused · 07/05/2017 20:26

OP wasn't asking for a pat on the back for the cooking etc - she was merely telling all those posters who asked what she does do what she did all day!

I have a cleaner and a gardener. Cleaner 2 hours a week does not mean that nothing else needs doing all week long. Just means someone does come in for a short time. Gardener comes in once a month and does a tidy up and mows the grass. Grass does still need cutting in between times. And DH and I both hate gardening. He also earns enough that we can afford to pay for this extra help which makes our life more enjoyable. Who wouldn't if they could afford it.

Fact remains it was a joint decision for to stay at home, drive DS to his presumably private school etc. If DH was unhappy with this situation he would have said so before. This does lead me to believe that it is now that the affair is out in the open he does now intend to leave and is trying to reduce any spousal maintenance, which despite what some people think when a woman has been the SAHP for that length of time and the WP is a very high earner that sustains the type of lifestyle that they have enjoyed it is entirely possible she'd get either a huge clean break settlement or a lifetime maintenance order.
A friend of mine got just that. I was surprised and had assumed that it would be for an "adjustment" period.

In the social circles that they live in it seems to be usual too as it is in mine for a parent to SAHM until kids leave home. In fact on some other threads onMumsnet there are people who suggest teens need you around more than younger children!

However what is weird is the concept of an entirely sexless marriage which her OH might of gone along with but having found that elsewhere is now not prepared to put up with that and in the absence of any from OP he'll either leave to go to OW or find another OW. However sorry we are for her husband she is asking our advice - my advice is to get yourself a lawyer as I believe he is on his way out of the marriage!

Brokenbiscuit · 07/05/2017 20:30

I think Cinderella and poobum are on to something here

If this was really about avoiding spousal maintenance payments, though, surely the husband would be asking his wife to go back to work. In fact, he is asking her to contribute more, either by going back to work or by doing more at home so that they can reduce their reliance on paid help. The second option doesn't really play into the spousal maintenance narrative, so I think it's more likely that the husband is genuinely frustrated about how little the OP is contributing to the household. And who wouldn't be at least a little resentful in his situation?! I don't see what he is getting out of the marriage at all.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/05/2017 20:30

If I was you, I'd take him to the cleaners. Get a solicitor and try to get as much money as you can while the kids are under 18

This is quite funny, the OP she would get half the house on sale, half his pension and most likely fixed term spousal maintenance (if she is lucky).

Although that sounds like a lot I think that it would be a good deal for him.

C0untDucku1a · 07/05/2017 20:31

Oh dear op. That must have been a shock to find out initially. He is unhappy with your role in the relationship. If you dont want to change you need to leave.