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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be prepared to make changes

504 replies

AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:19

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 07/05/2017 18:35

T1mum3 - but she hasn't been the 'unpaid housekeeper/nanny' for years - she's outsourced most of that.

OP - can I ask why you want to save your marriage? What do you get out of it?

paxillin · 07/05/2017 18:35

I doubt he will take on any of the household jobs if you do find employment.

But there is a cleaner/ housekeeper, a gardener and a dog walker for the household jobs. Which jobs are left other than keeping the teenager some company? He'll be off to college in three years' time anyway.

steff13 · 07/05/2017 18:38

Have you read the thread? The OP doesn't do any of the household jobs! She has a cleaner, gardener, etc. Her husband would hardly be worse off if she got a job, and probably wouldn't be much worse off without her. And there's no indication the OP was in a fulfilling professional role.

ilovesooty · 07/05/2017 18:38

unpaid housekeeper?

Bollocks. She doesn't do any housekeeping.

shyturnip · 07/05/2017 18:40

If your dh had talked to you about the non existent sex life and lack of intimacy in your marriage, would that have changed anything?

You've said in past threads that you have no intention of having sex again which suggests his talking about it would have fallen on deaf ears.

Can you see anything wrong with your way of thinking?

steff13 · 07/05/2017 18:42

OP - can I ask why you want to save your marriage? What do you get out of it?

Luxury, essentially unlimited free time, probably status afforded her by his earnings. I think the question is, what does he get out of the marriage. It seems to me he's the one who got the short end of the stick here.

Crispbutty · 07/05/2017 18:43

"You've been his unpaid housekeeper/nanny for many, many years"

What?? She has staff to do everything in the house! And hasn't had a small child to "nanny" for the last 10 years at least as he will have been at school.

And as for unpaid... the op has said she lives a luxurious lifestyle and goes on several holidays a year...

Cheby · 07/05/2017 18:45

Well, if you like your current set up OP then you need to change at least a bit. The alternative is you get divorced. And then you'll have to get a job and support yourself like the vast majority of people do

MargotLovedTom1 · 07/05/2017 18:46

You must do a hell of a lot of painting.

Maybe your DH got sick of asking for sex which is why he stopped. It sounds like it's been a sterile set up for a long time.

Yes, you staying home has enabled his career to progress, but you have reaped the rewards of that too with a very pampered lifestyle. I don't see how you can carry on in the same vein; surely the affair revelation has blown apart the illusion that you were both pottering along quite happily in a sexless marriage, albeit one lived in very comfortable circumstances?

Crispbutty · 07/05/2017 18:46

" He stopped asking for sex many years ago so I presumed he was happy with the arrangement. "

How insulting must it be to keep asking and being told no? He was bound to give up trying eventually. Did really you not wonder why he had stopped asking?

alltouchedout · 07/05/2017 18:46

I normally fall squarely on the side of the person who was cheated on... but OP, your thread and your attitude have genuinely shocked me.
Why are you together? What does the marriage bring to you? What does it bring to your husband? Other than feeling wronged due to his affair, what do you feel? Do you want to have intimacy and sex with him again? If not, do you really think he should have to have a life without it when clearly it's something he does want?

LedaP · 07/05/2017 18:48

If as a couple, they decided for OP to be SAHM, and now the goalposts are being moved, that's not on.

I doubt he agreed to

Op being a sahm
Having a gardener
Having a cleaner
Having a dog walker
Changing work plans at last minute so op can attend hobbies
Refusing to never leave the child alone, even at 15
Driving a 15 year old to school to justify not working
To the OP never having to work again
No intimacy for 10 years

Most couples who decide one should stay at home, will intend for the sahp to work at some point. Or at least do stuff at home.

JigglyTuff · 07/05/2017 18:49

Would that make you happy Steff? It sounds utterly miserable to me - stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage with no purpose to your life other than picking up your teenage son who you know is likely to leave home in a couple of years. What the hell is the OP going to do then?

BarbarianMum · 07/05/2017 18:50

But why would you think that? As opposed to thinking he was sensitive enough not to pester for sex when you weren't interested (am assuming that you weren't approaching him for sex during this period).

Equally why would you assume that the arrangement for you to be a SAHM would be for 18 years? Do you guys never talk to each other?

PhyllisNights · 07/05/2017 18:51

If I was you, I'd take him to the cleaners. Get a solicitor and try to get as much money as you can while the kids are under 18. Him trying to get you to get a job sounds like he's preparing for a divorce. Get in there first.

dailyshite · 07/05/2017 18:51

I'm trying hard to be gentle here but can't help but think that it isn't going to work with you because you are so entrenched in your life of denial of the real world.

Put it like this, if my husband didn't want to have sex with me for ten years, if I worked long hours to enable him to stay at home and look after the kid(s), if he essentially did fuck all except cook meals and paint but bleated on about 'managing the house', I'd be a dot on the horizon.

Admittedly he did wrong, but in spite of your protestations this is one of the very few occasions when I can understand someone looking elsewhere.

T1mum3 · 07/05/2017 18:52

OP - you made the mistake of mentioning that you have some help around the house and garden. People aren't going to understand.

I think you are going to have to change though. I'm sorry, but I think your OH is warming up to divorce you and wants to show that you can be financially independent before the divorce settlement goes through. You need to seek advice about your position and think about the future. Sorry.

LedaP · 07/05/2017 18:52

He stopped asking for sex many years ago so I presumed he was happy with the arrangement.

Are you joking? You expected him to carry on asking for sex and being rejected? Because he didnt, you thought 'ah i clearly have a problem....but fuck it i am happy'

Op YOU assumed it meant until ds left home. That means that wasnt agreed. Besides which, people are allowed to change how tgey feel about something.

If you are intending to work when ds leaves home, you need to plan for it now. It will take ages to be re-educated or find decent work.

Or is that the plan. Decide to do a degree once he leaves so you can soend another 4 years not working.

I am starting to think you are unbelivebley selfish....to the point you are stunting your child....or just a goady fucker.

Dawnedlightly · 07/05/2017 18:53

Don't pull the 'not unusual among our friends' shtick OP. Amongst my peers and neighbours I know dozens of rich sahm mums, houses with staff/ high flying dhs who've only got so far because their wives made sacrifices. None of them/us would consider 10 years of no sex/ never leaving a 15yo alone anything but completely dysfunctional.

LedaP · 07/05/2017 18:54

If I was you, I'd take him to the cleaners. Get a solicitor and try to get as much money as you can while the kids are under 18

This is highly unlikrly to happen given the age of the child in question.

steff13 · 07/05/2017 18:54

JigglyTuff, no, it wouldn't make me happy, but I'm not the one fighting to maintain the status quo, the OP is. She's lived a very nice life for many years without contributing much of anything in return. She's clearly happy with that, as she wants it to stay that way.

Alwayshungryforcrisps · 07/05/2017 18:54

Do you even want to be with him? Do you love him?

LedaP · 07/05/2017 18:55

If you dint eant to get divorced because tou like your lifestyle so much....and dont eant to resolve the sex issue (lets be fair if you wanted to you would have done so in the last decade) why not have an open marriagr?

DancingGoose · 07/05/2017 18:55

Loads of families have staff if they can afford it - especially if they have a massive property. Presumably the DH has also wanted the staff so he doesn't have to come home and mow the lawn.

Loads of families also want one partner to stay at home while their DC are at home. It's hardly an unusual set up - especially when the partner is a high earner. And it's hardly easy to just get a decent job after 5-10 years out of the workplace.

The OP and her DH agreed a set up at home which has continued until now. The DH has now moved the goal posts on the OP by announcing he's had a long affair and he found the OW attractive because she was a career woman, which, if the possibility of the OP going back to work has never been discussed since her DS was born, sounds to me a lot like shifting his responsibility for his affair.

Bambamrubblesmum · 07/05/2017 18:55

Among those nutritional meals do you include hotdogs Grin