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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be prepared to make changes

504 replies

AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:19

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

OP posts:
PookieDo · 08/05/2017 08:42

I'm not jealous of OP, I am not sure what there is to be jealous about. Life sounds unfulfilled and exactly the cliche that money cannot buy you happiness. No one can really be happy. It's not your husbands job to make you fulfilled and happy it is your life and you should fill it up with more than just a housekeeper for him.

PollyPelargonium52 · 08/05/2017 08:51

It would seem some women just don't wish to make a contribution to the relationship. I was supporting a guy online and his wife hadn't worked in the whole of their 30 year marriage and they had had no sex for three years he was reduced to sleeping on an air bed in the lounge. Anyway she has finally thrown him out due to reconciliable differences but she made sure he did all the outside work in the garden etc and fitted a dishwasher for her first. And they only have a 12 year old daughter to see to and she has n o job no dog nothing to do. What does she need a dishwasher for unless she has e.g. chronic fatigue or a prevailing health problem. Some people honestly!

pangolina · 08/05/2017 09:04

I hope that he leaves and has a fulfilling life with an equal partner.
I hope he leaves so that you are forced to get a job and actually, get a life.
I don't mean to insult you but he doesn't owe you your lifestyle. You sound selfish and lazy. I really feel sorry for him

alltouchedout · 08/05/2017 09:16

I don't agree with the negative comments about the op's husband. He sounds like a man who has remembered what it is like to be loved by and have closeness with someone he respects, and is trying to get something like that with the op.

I'm not jealous of the op. Sure, it would be nice to be rich and have very few demands on my time and people paid to do all the tasks I don't much fancy, but I wouldn't trade that for the joy of being loved and appreciated by someone I love and appreciate. Both op and her husband (and their ds) are to be pitied, really. Which of them are genuinely happy?

senua · 08/05/2017 09:19

I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours)

But it doesn't work well for your DS, does it? His father is not around because he is busy with the mistress working so hard. Your DS has an unhappy absent father and an unhappy infantilising mother in a sham of a marriage. I predict that he is going to be an unhappy young man who struggles with relationships.

AIBU to not be prepared to make changes

Yes YABU. Nothing stays the same for ever.

icy121 · 08/05/2017 09:23

get a job, open your eyes to the rest of the world.... set a good example to your son! You never know you might meet someone with whom you'd like to have sex and that might give you the impetus you clearly need to end your sham marriage.

I also feel very sorry for any future DIL... you'll be ruining your son.

Btw baking is a pastime, not integral to the running of your household.

icy121 · 08/05/2017 09:23

Pass time, ffs

toomanyloos · 08/05/2017 09:30

Get a job, for yourself, as you are going to need some structure and your own money when your DH leaves you, which I predict he will. In his shoes I woud as you don't seem to be contributing very much to the marriage. I don't mean to be horrible, it is just that a marriage is a two way thing.

Gazelda · 08/05/2017 09:33

OP, in answer to your question YABU. Haven't you heard that a marriage takes work on both sides. Yes, he's done wrong in having the affair. But he was obviously after physical and emotional intimacy which he'd reasonably expect from his wife. He doesn't sound fulfilled within his marriage, so what do you expect him to do? Either make an effort to meet him half way or decide that his betrayal is a deal breaker and start divorce proceedings. You lose the moral high ground if you refuse to do either.
Do you have a plan for if the marriage ends? Have you ever lived independently? Surely you know that this is the likely outcome?

Mrskeats · 08/05/2017 09:35

I don't think this can be real.
If it is then the op is incredibly selfish and does not have a marriage.
I feel sorry for the husband being treated like a wallet on legs and the other woman actually who must be fed up playing second fiddle.

timeisnotaline · 08/05/2017 09:53

Poor dh but most of all your poor ds, who is not being prepared at all to be a decent boyfriend or husband. This will make his life Much less happy unless he has the character to work through it himself, but I think the op will find lots of people and reasons to blame for this, not her own actions. Probably she will blame the dh because of the affair (and divorce to follow)

Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 10:01

TBH OP this isn't a marriage anymore.
Stop kidding yourself. Your oh as just the person who funds your lifestyle. You dont need to clean or walk your own dog you have hobbies that you think are more important than your kid or husband.
You sound like a spoiled petulant child.

Working to provide for your family is nothing to look down your nose at.

After 15 years of doing your own thing maybe it's time you did something proactive and considered how your oh feels in all this.

Yes he had an affair that's not great but maybe he finds he gets human contact, is made to feel valuable as a person not just a walking bank before you even consider the sex aspect.

I think you need to start acting like an adult and get a job instead of relying on your husband to fund your lady of leisure lifestyle.

Are you planning on taking your son to work too? He needs to start learning to be independent of you. Leave him alone for some time, teach him to do things for himself I am sure he is dying to have some time away from mum. Mine certainly did and they were much younger than 15.

You really need to decide what's more important to you. Your lifestyle or your husband

purplecollar · 08/05/2017 10:22

Hard as it may seem, get some training and get yourself into work would be my advice. It's normal to contribute to the finances these days. I think he's a very understanding person to give you the option of reducing the help you have at home, rather than get a job.

But given the situation, you'd be better off getting yourself in a position whereby you can support yourself, should you need to in the future. Start with mornings only or a couple of days a week. Then you can increase hours if you need to, later on. If you don't know how to go about, seek some advice.

I'd be interested to hear where you see yourself in the future. How do you imagine your life will be once your ds leaves home? That's not that far off really.

NoCapes · 08/05/2017 10:31

vagina recliner GrinGrinGrin

Highmaintenancefemalestuff · 08/05/2017 10:55

Holy crap!
If I hadn't had sex with my Dh for 10 years I wouldn't be surprised if he had an affair, I would expect it.
If we had discussed me being a SAHM I would assume that would only be until all children were at school. Last one going into reception that is, not almost finishing high school.
Even if I could afford a cleaner, gardener, dog walkers I would be riddled with guilt from not doing anything in the house.
As for your marraige, well, you clearly only want a marraige with his wallet.
Holding down a ft job whilst raising 3 children is something to be admired!

HildaOg · 08/05/2017 11:01

It would have been cheaper for him to raise the kid alone with a live in nanny. Since the kid is now 15, at school or doing hobbies, you have a cleaner, gardener and dog walker so let's be honest; you do nothing all day every day and haven't for years. You have no marriage because you've used your husband as a meal ticket to a lazy, self indulgent life and didn't even have the intelligence to maintain a relationship with him so you could keep the easy life.

I feel very sorry for him. Amazing it took so long for him to have an affair but no surprise he did. He obviously stayed because he cares very much for his son and didn't want to lose him. He's nearly an adult now so your husband can be free soon if he wants.

You have a choice. Continue as you are and he'll leave you. Or get off your lazy bum and get out into the world. Work or volunteer part time. Get some educational skills so you can go back into the workforce full time at some point. Work at becoming a better person and work on rebuilding your relationship. Even if he does leave you in that scenario, you'll have a life and be able to appeal to someone else.

Right now your husband probably feels nothing but contempt for you, I know I would. You need to recognise that and understand why. Your son will be gone soon. So will your husband. What will you have left?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/05/2017 11:03

OP
Your marriage is over. I suspect it has been for years. It is hollow at the core. You and your DH are two individuals with totally differently lives only connected by your DS. In a few years if your DS goes to University I imagine what little connection there is will be severed entirely.

Letseatgrandma · 08/05/2017 12:13

What will you do in three years when your son is gone?

TheStoic · 08/05/2017 12:16

The son won't be gone in 3 years. Sounds like he's never as much as crossed the road by himself.

The husband might be, though.

Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 12:32

Stoic
I agree, I can see OP taking him to Uni everyday to justify why she cant possibly get a job.

senua · 08/05/2017 15:50

I love that the OP hasn't been back to the thread since last night. It's obviously due to her hectic lifestyle, there's so much to cram in!Grin

Redlocks28 · 08/05/2017 15:53

I suspect that the OP wont be back. I rather think she's too busy hiding under a bridge somewhere.

katkitkat · 08/05/2017 15:58

YANBU about the affair, he is a twat, if he wasn't happy with the level intimacy he should have been honest and ended the marriage. Ten years is a long time to not have sex with a husband or wife, and while I'm not condoning the affair, can see why he would be frustrated. But still, should not have had an affair.

If you both want to work on your problems and make the marriage work then great, but you have to see his side too. YABU to not work and not provide any income when you are able to.

You have a 15 year old, not a 15 month old. You do not need a cleaner or gardener if you are a housewife and only do hobbies to pass time.

If he was happy with the situation that would be different, but he isn't and that isn't unreasonable. I wouldn't be happy to work my arse off and have my husband loll about at home as well as pay a cleaner and gardener.

Brittbugs80 · 08/05/2017 16:24

Icy21

I didn't realise it was pass time not past time! Learn something new everyday Blush

alltouchedout · 08/05/2017 16:41

No, it's pastime (en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/pastime)

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