To not be prepared to make changes

[AngelThursday]

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

How old are the OW's children? Is it possible that any of those children could be half siblings to your DS?

What all of this looks like to me is the compilation of a narrative where the OP is the victim of a most unreasonable man.

• He works long and erratic hours.
• DS has been brought up by the OP.
• She was a SAHM with almost nothing to do because that was what DH wanted (but now that DH wants something else, OP is resisting)
• '4 1/2 years is a long long time' (never mind that he asked for sex for a long time from the OP, and never mind exactly how long.
• He should have told her he wasn't happy with a 6 year sexless marriage as it was back when he embarked on the affair. Never mind what any normal human being might suspect.
• He is now possibly comparing her to the OW and asking her to find a job or cut back on the expenses instead of grovelling.

It seems to me that you are actively seeking some way to be the Best Person in this marriage, OP.

I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU

This is game playing with no other end in mind than the establishment and maintenance of a nasty status quo in which the OP retains her cake and eats it.

She is demanding integrity from her DH and condemning him for not having the grace to tell her about his unhappiness, but has not revealed on this thread exactly what it is that she wants form him going forth from here - she hints that she feels he should don sackcloth and ashes and pledge eternal love and fidelity to her, but in return she offers nothing, absolutely nothing.

I do not condone affairs, but I do not condone being wrapped up in oneself to such an extent that the feelings or needs of your spouse never occur to you at all for ten years.

a lot of the obnoxious insults on this thread sound similar to typical SAHM threads (what do you DO all day?) which are completely unnecessary.

Completely unecessary on the basis of being a sahm, but I would say a fair question on the basis of a sahm of a teenager who has a gardener, cleaner and a dog walker.

The OP's lifestyle is not uncommon.

Not in my world it isn't. The OP is not a typical sahm.

I had a sahm friend and she joined lots and lots of volunteer work to get her skills up. At least she made an effort there is no excuse these days to be sitting about at home a liability to the family. I hold no truck with it I really don't. I met a guy recently whose wife was exactly like this. I only met him twice as I didn't want to get involved but the wife did seem very lazy uncommitted and selfish.

And here is the list -

• Me staying home has enabled his career to progress
• Those of you who ask was me being a sahp agreed and discussed - yes it was.
• I am not lazy or boring. I manage a large house, cook balanced and nutritional meals from scratch, bake, walk the dog 4 days a week and paint in my spare time. I oversee any work in the house and ensure the household runs smoothly for OH and DS.

Some harsh comments here seeing as I was the one cheated on!
Here is the crux of the matter -
So I don't see why I should change when I am not the one who did wrong.
It is a huge pity that you seem to think you can only sin by commission in a relationship.
If OH wasn't happy with the set up he should of said rather than seeking comfort elsewhere.
You are keeping a ledger, OP. It is smug, judgemental and there is maybe even a note of triumph here.
And it is harsh, OP. Very harsh.

You are very free with the double standards.

Now you have him where you want him. Is this what you really want, OP? What comes next? What do you want?

I suppose I am quite privileged but like I said, my set up is not unusual amongst our friends.
Is this part of it? The lifestyle, shared by friends, the appearance? Nobody owes you that.

If you are in therapy, have you ever explored the matter of the script in your head that informs your choices/lack of choices, your view of yourself, your view of what you are entitled to, and your view of men?

OP I honestly don't know why you post. You took zero advice from the last thread and are disagreeing with everyone on this one. You won't change and show zero self awareness.

Maybe if I was in your position I would do the same because you are in an incredibly privileged position. You say you are busy but you have no idea what busy can actually mean in some people's lives.

I think a job would actually be good for you, irrespective of your marriage, to give you a different perspective. Or a volunteer post. Go and interact with people who have real problems.

The fact is that if the OPs DH had issues with her not working, her outsourcing the household jobs and the lack of sex then he could have talked to her. And he didnt.

Thats not true. Op says he stopped asking for sex so she thought he was fine with it. That suggests there were discussions but he realised he wasnt getting anywhere and getting constantly rejected is soul destroying.

He hasnt been happy. That was obvious on her last thread when she asked him to change work plans to stay home with a mildly unwell 15 year old so she could go to a course for her hobby. It was obvious he wasnt happy with the set up.

The no sex for a decade wasnt mentioned on that thread. Very few people are happy in a sexless marriage. The Op sticks her head in the sand and has refused to see he is not happy. It was obvious on her last thread.

OP I think you're in a vulnerable situation. You don't want to call your husband "dear" (understandably). It sounds like he may not want to call you "dear" either. Your DS will shortly be an adult. How long do you think your marriage will last after DS has gone to uni? Is there a reason your OH will want to stay with you? Is there a reason you would want to stay with him?

I think you need to start thinking about what an independent life would look like for yourself and, rather than getting a pat time job to please your DH, look at getting training or starting a business that can support you in the future.

The OP's lifestyle is not uncommon.

Neither are affairs, especially in people who haven't had sex for years on end.

To be honest. I can see how this happens.

The intimacy slowly goes, no one discusses it, the kid is young and she has help at home, the kid grows up and she starts to develop her own life outside the home, happily plodding along in her own bubble, where he does his thing, she does hers, and they come together to be parents or meet friends,

She then gets bam, he's been having a long term affair , bam he's not happy with her level of contribution and her life needs to change and she doesn't want to, bam he's not happy with the relarionship.

She doesn't want to sleep with him, she doesn't want to do more household tasks, she doesn't want to get a job, but she wants the status quo to remain, she wants the life she had built up.

However that only works if he wants it too. So she needs to compromise. Start doing more round the house, or start selling her paintings and turn it into a business, or get a job, or she needs to accept the marriage is over and her life will change anyway. The lady of leisure is over.

I suspect she only wants to stay married due to the security of marriage, the social standing, not wanting to be the single woman, not wanting to live alone.

The question she faces really is would she rather be alone and divorced than make the comprimises he requests. Because either way she is going to be making changes. Which ones are up to her. I actually feel sorry for her, because she doesn't want any of it, the issue is she's acting entitled to her life and unfortunately she's not, because it's him that's providing it.

Selling the paintings sounds like a fine idea, but unless she's already got a loyal client base built up, it's not likely to bring in a substantial income.

I will also bet a pound to a penny that the husband did try to talk to her about his unhappiness (she says he stopped asking, meaning he was talking at some point) and the only reason it seems so out of the blue to her is because she is so self absorbed and myopic.

While your busy trying to cash in on your cheated on spouse chip and your H trying to model you into the person you might have once been, neither of you are focussed on iimproving your individual contributions to your dysfunctional relationship dynamic.

As long as neither of you take responsibility for your contributions, then it's very likely that this depressing union will plod along until one of you decides to become its champion, or leaves it entirely.

You have choices, being the victim of your dysfunctional relationship is one but it isn't a particularly positive one.

I'm not sure he wants her to bring in a substantial income though, he isn't even insisting she works, simply he's saying if she continues to not work she should do more round the home and he shouldn't have to pay other people to do it instead. He's not even saying she should do it all, just more and "reduce" the people he employs round the home.

He simply wishes her to contribute more be it in terms of running rhe home or working, which I think is fair enough, but she doesn't want to.

This is the nub of the problem really, she doesn't want to compromise or contribute more and is attempting to use his affair as a justification for her behaviour. Which is very wrong indeed.

I think you'll split up the minute your DS leaves home. And I think the OP know this, and it's the reason the apron strings won't be cut.

No guarantees the H will stay regardless of what OP does. It could be a cynical move so he pays less alimony.

You're not sexually or emotionally compatible, so what exactly is it that you want from your relationship? Is it to be left alone to potter about doing your hobbies or, do you want a partner who shares your vision of your union? At present, not only are neither of you on the same page, neither of you are willing to do the work towards being on the same page either.

It's time to choose but hiding in the life you've had so far is no longer an option because it appears your H is no longer prepared to tolerate it.

Wow. Just wow.

Get a job OP.

I don't think that many people truly are jealous of the OP. Her life sounds like a gilded cage to me, as I think most of us would discover if we tried it. Her marriage is for show and is cracking through the foundations, she has nothing much to give her a sense of fulfilment or drive. She seems trapped, and I can only assume she is so afraid of having to fend for herself without a cushion of money and help that she daren't even contemplate it.

Being busy, having real human connections and working towards goals are good for people, mentally and physically - are the basis of happiness and satisfaction, even. There's a reason retirement kills. I'll take my busy, full life, with all its challenges and without as much money as I'd like, over the OP's any day.

Something just doesn't sit right on this thread.

Yabu, I don't understand why you don't have a job, your son is 15 not 5.

Get a bloody job, OP-you are not a princess. Will you still need to be there before and after school for your DS when he's 17? 18? Do you want to raise an independent young man?!

Oh my God, this can't be for real

OP, have you considered what satisfaction and happiness you are cutting yourself off from by clinging to this pose of the wounded woman who is desperately needed at home? Have you thought about what an interesting life you could create for yourself if you stopped trying to hide in the life of mothering a 'child' who is nearly a grown man?

If painting is your passion, go for it. Set up an online store, start trying to get commissions, do weekend fairs. Get a studio, paint all day. Set a goal. Work towards something.

And think about what message you're sending to your son when you communicate, none too subtly, that you want him to remain as helpless and infantile as possible. Have you thought about how that might affect his adult life? How it could hamper him for decades, and harm his ability to form his own relationships? Or don't you care?

And think about what message you're sending to your son when you communicate, none too subtly, that you want him to remain as helpless and infantile as possible. Have you thought about how that might affect his adult life? How it could hamper him for decades, and harm his ability to form his own relationships? Or don't you care?

This x 100

Staggered by this whole post. Sorry but, it seems obvious to me that he's going to walk as soon as your child becomes an adult.