To not be prepared to make changes

[AngelThursday]

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

There's an awful lot of jealousy of the OP on this thread. She doesn't have to justify her lifestyle to anyone on MN but as usual that's what's been focussed on here rather than answering the question that she originally posted on.

To answer your question OP, I think you would be very wise to not take your husband's suggestion at face value. Others have suggested he may want you to get a job as part of a plan to limit any future spousal support. I don't know how seriously you are both working on your marriage or indeed what prompted your husband to confess about the affair and thus show if he is serious about the marriage. with that in mind though, I'd be very careful at taking him up on his suggestion without seeking some advice from a lawyer which is what he may have done himself. A compromise is surely to do some voluntary work that will enhance your life but not create issues in terms of earnings and spousal support but I think you need to be considering a plan B here should the marriage not work out as you hope it would.

Italiangreyhound, thank you for that. I agree, I think your post is very fair.

I also agree with Chocness.

Way too many insults have been chucked about this thread. The OP's reason for a lack of intimacy could be really serious. I think some people have rushed to some conclusion that the OP is slim and beautiful, while her husband is fat and ugly.

I can't see any assumptions about the physical attributes of the respective parties.

There's an awful lot of jealousy of the OP on this thread

I disagree. I think there have been posters gobsmacked that the OP has one mid-teenager, appears to do less than most around the house, has no intimacy with her husband and is trying to get out of paid employment.

I don't think it's jealousy.

I feel very sorry for the DH, I really don't see what he gets out of this so called sham of a marriage, normally I would say any married person having an affair is shit but in this case I really do understand it, your DH was patient to put up with the lack of intimacy for more than five years, For those saying the OP may have had a trauma in the past, she may have, I hope not, but if it was affecting a relationship which she valued surely she would seek help and counselling,, doing nothing would be another indicator that she does not actually value her dh.

I don't see how this could be salvaged, you cant turn on intimacy and I don't mean just sex, I mean the little things that are an integral part of a relationship and partnership, it sounds as if they are long gone. YOu have both checked out of this marriage. You need to start preparing for a future without your cash point dh, I would strongly suggest you get legal advice sooner rather than later

Could those who talk about how difficult it is for the OP to get back into the workplace please note that this was not the only alternative suggested by the husband.

The other alternative, which he seemed quite happy with, was that she should simply do more of the actual SAHM work herself and reduce the help.

The OP said so quite clearly.

I feel sorry for the op. I don't think that, if there's the money for it and - here's the clincher - her husband doesn't carry his share of hour-round-trip school runs, walking the dog, ironing his own shirts, mowing the lawn, or cleaning the bathroom (and I suspect he never has), why shouldn't she get paid help? Otherwise she would be doing ALL of the drudge work, and, reading back, these are not full-time helpers, so she is still doing the vast majority of work maintaining the household. That is their norm, and it has been by agreement. I'm not surprised she fears manipulation in suddenly being asked to look for work.

I also think she WNBU to say to her dh (once) 'given you are senior enough to have the flexibility to do so can today be one of your work from home days, as ds is poorly, and I don't want to miss my course?'

I am also uncomfortable with his signal that the OW with whom he has had a lengthy affair is a better person for having continued in her career, drawing an obvious comparison with the op.

The op is understandably stung by the unfairness of what she considered to be a lifestyle accepted by BOTH partners now leaving her insecure and fearful. I recognise the powerlessness of someone who adopted BY AGREEMENT the home-keeper role for years, then finds herself critiqued by her oh (and many posters here) as privileged, entitled, spoilt, precious, stubborn, etc. I don't think she set out to carve out a life as a mumsy son-doting layabout with a cadre of paid help. If I were the op, I too would be extremely cautious for my future.

The absence of sex thing .. well, I don't know. The marriage sounds terminal to me. But it certainly sounds like the dh is putting an exit plan in place. Be prepared, op.

But Suite, surely the lifestyle the OP now enjoys, with an almost adult son who requires minimal looking after and can keep his own things tidy, is not the same job she signed up to when they had a small child who needed constant supervision?

The work has lessened considerably (and I speak as a mother of teens). So why is it unreasonably to expect the paid help to lessen in proportion if she wants to carry on being a housekeeper?

To me, there is a strong hint that she wants to keep the son infantilised so she can carry on insisting the same job still exists. It doesn't.

I would say that the DH is understandably stung by the unfairness of having an affair held over his head after ten years without a sexual relationship with his own wife who has not got over her intimacy issues in all that time.

I think you would have to have your head stuck pretty far down a deep well to fail to understand that desiring sex occasionally with your spouse is a pretty basic element of being a married human.

The primary emotional attachment of the OP here is to her son, not her husband. I think the DS is being used here as something akin to a human shield; her focus on him keeps her from engaging on an emotional level with her husband. This is a horrible thing to do to your own child and it is actually infidelity of a sort on the part of the OP.

And in her own words 'digging her heels in' - where does that get her?

This is not a marriage. It is a toxic sham.

I feel sorry for the op. I don't think that, if there's the money for it and - here's the clincher - her husband doesn't carry his share of hour-round-trip school runs, walking the dog, ironing his own shirts, mowing the lawn, or cleaning the bathroom (and I suspect he never has), why shouldn't she get paid help?

Hang on, the OPs OH is working so that OP can stay at home to do all of these things ... his share is doing the work that provides the money to pay for all these luxuries. Presumably the OP agreed to be a SAHM knowing all the jobs that entails, including cleaning, ironing, and dog walking. The OP has time for them, but has chosen not to do them in favour of her hobbies and outsourcing them for a fee - which her OH is picking up the tab for.

The OP's OH is actually being very reasonable, considering they are effectively just housemates and he is contributing all of the all money but OP has decided she has the only say in how it is spent. All he's asking is that if she wants to keep having paid help she needs to start contributing to the cost, and if she doesn't want to do that then he's going to stop paying and she'll have to pick up the slack.

If she chooses not to pick up the slack that's her right, but it's also his right to withdraw his funding for her indulgent lifestyle when she is contributing nothing to the relationship.

I don't think he has even gone that far, Melj. He has asked her to make changes - get a job or reduce the household help. There has not been the implication that he is about to cut off the funding. The OP is angry that she is being compared to the OW, whom she calls a 'career woman'.

Angry because she feels she is being compared to the OW, that is.

Mmmm, I have a few questions:

*Do you go on holiday? Sounds like you could afford really nice ones. Who finds them, books them and do you have a nice time together?

*Why only one child? Sex an issue back then?
*Is the hobby painting and if so, why can't you walk the dog on days when you also have a painting lesson? Why does it take the whole day?
*Who walks the dog at the weekends?

• Do you think you not wanting to do what he wants and give up a bit of help or get out of the house to do some PT work because you like the control of being able to say no, stuff you, I'll do what I want? Or the idea that he had an affair and did what he wanted so now you'll do what you want and not what he wants? *I've read the whole thread this time, and the WFH thread, and not one person, not one, seems to think never leaving a 15 year old boy on his own is a good thing for your son - what do you think about this? *Who takes him to school and picks him up (ie 2 x 1 hour trips) when you're sick? You can't never be sick, surely?

Just trying to get a better picture.

you like the control of being able to say no, stuff you, I'll do what I want?

Nail on the head there, I suspect, Madmother.

The fact is that if the OPs DH had issues with her not working, her outsourcing the household jobs and the lack of sex then he could have talked to her. And he didnt.

The OP, rightly or wrongly, assumed that he was happy with the status quo as he never said otherwise and given that this was an arrangment they both agreed to I can see why.

He didnt talk to her, he had a 4.5 year long affair. That indicates that he had no intention of leaving but keeping everything going as it was at home and getting his leg over with his mistress. Its only now that he has been found out that suddenly everything needs to change and I am very suspicious about that.

I cant help wondering if he has decided to plan a divorce and has had legal advice telling him that the OP needs to be working or for him to lower her outgoings so that he has to pay less in the settlement. A settlement will look to see if both parties can be catered for, and of course the kids, in the same manner that they are currently living.

So her working or not having the outgoings of domestic help will affect the amount he has to pay out.

Tbh I wouldnt change anything either until such time as there is a definite decision to stay together or split and even then I would be very careful.

Its only now that he has been found out that suddenly everything needs to change and I am very suspicious about that.

Or maybe it's the fact that his affair has been exposed that has been the catalyst for him to say "You know what, the status quo was not okay but I was willing to play along and not rock the boat for the sake of DS/because it wasn't worth the aggro for trying to "make changes", but that was while I was actually getting to be in a loving, physical relationship with someone."

It could be that he has ulterior motives and is gearing up to divorce and wants to ease his financial settlement, but equally it could be that this is finally the chance he's had to effectively say "while everything is already up in the air, maybe now's the time to re-negotiate the 15 year old deal re: me working to finance everything while you're a SAHM that clearly is no longer working."

I agree with you Melj. The affair may have even opened his eyes to some extent or shown him a taste of what might have been.

I think it is very naive of the OP to expect never to be compared with anyone else, especially if she and her DH have not had sex together in ten years as a result of some issues of hers that she has not made any progress with.

Also naive wrt everything always staying the same even though she will be an empty nester in about three years. She apparently expected the DH to put up with a sexless relationship that also lacked intimacy, expects to be able to stay at home doing very little by way of home work apart from transporting the DS to school and back, and seems willing to stay married despite the affair. There is no mention of leaving despite 'reeling' from discovery of the affair. Just a question as to whether it would be unreasonable to dig in and continue to say no.

People change and their expectations change. It was apparently expected of the DH to accept a change from sex (even if perhaps occasionally) to none at all for ten years.

I cant help wondering if he has decided to plan a divorce and has had legal advice telling him that the OP needs to be working or for him to lower her outgoings so that he has to pay less in the settlement.

I hope he is.

I think you should prepare for a divorce.

Could you start selling your paintings?

Not condoning the affair, not going to speculate what the OP does or her hobby/course is, won't assume anything about her intimacy issues.

The other option was "reduce the household help...Cleaner, dog walker, gardener."

I really don't think that's unreasonable, OP. So you'd have to do your own ironing and walk the dog before your course, or occasionally water your plants. Those are small things you won't have to pay for and undoubtedly add up.

If, in the event you do get divorced and have to live on a reduced income, you'll see how unnecessary those things are.

Good luck.

What do you actually want now? Do you want your husband to be in appeasement and apology mode? Or do you want to try and rebuilt a stronger relationship and move on from the affair and the dysfunctional marriage context?

I'm asking as it sounds like you're in the 'make him suffer' mode, being very angry and hurt and wanting him to feel as bad as you do. And whilst you're in this state of mind you won't be able to move away from the affair or be able to try and build something.

Sort out what you want with an honest look at what's involved to get you there. Then do it.

Agree with chocness a lot of the obnoxious insults on this thread sound similar to typical SAHM threads (what do you DO all day?) which are completely unnecessary. Compared to threads when people are asked what would they do in an ideal world, and the answer is often "give up working". The OP's lifestyle is not uncommon.

I find it very shocking that the husband's affair can be condoned, I could never condone an affair and really feel for you OP.

I agree with pp that it sounds like a ploy to reduce spousal support so I must urge you to not take up any paid roles. Managing the household for so many years entitles you to large settlement; I hope you get it. All the best.

I agree with pp that it sounds like a ploy to reduce spousal support so I must urge you to not take up any paid roles. Managing the household for so many years entitles you to large settlement; I hope you get it. All the best.

Wow just wow. I am literally lost for words at the above advice. What if getting a job would allow the OP to stand on her own two feet for a change so that when he does leave she has financial independence.

His affair was wrong but her conduct in all of this was not ok either. Where the hell is the OPs self-worth?

I am genuinely intrigued as to what view her son has of women in light of his parents' damaging behaviour.

Haven't read all postings, but not sure if I can believe this...Really?