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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect dp to either stop collecting or move it??

154 replies

Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 13:31

First post so bear with me please,
Dp is 20 and aspergers I'm 22 living in a moderate 3 bed terrace.
We have two dc, one 3 & one 4 months who both live with me. Dp is finally getting a place after sofa surfing for 7 months so all his stuff is currently at mine (long story regarding why it's not at his mum's)

His fascination is collecting video games and consoles (n64, ps2 etc) he collects the promotional items too ie cardboard cut outs. His stuff is everywhere I turn, currently he's got two shelving units full but he wants to get full collections for example there's 300 n64 games and he wants them all.

Aibu to say either put them in his place or don't collect anymore even though he's paranoid about being broken into?

He's had 4 break ins with stuff being stolen in 3 years, which is how he ended up back at his mum's house.

OP posts:
FrenchLavender · 07/05/2017 17:29

I don't know when he's being a cockwomble and when it's his Aspergers

I am always a bit ConfusedHmm when I hear this trotted out. Why does it matter? Unacceptable behaviour in a relationship is just that. Whether he can 'help it' or not is not the issue. If you can't tolerate it, you don't have to. There is no law that says you have to put up with crap behaviour from a partner just because some of it may be part of their condition.

Don't baby him or make excuses for him. If he wants an adult relationship then he should behave like an adult, not a spoilt manchild. He needs to move his stuff and stop sulking like a baby about it.

RandomMess · 07/05/2017 17:45

CMS guidelines is 15% as a MINIMUM!

If he eats or uses stuff at your house he should be covering that on top as well.

Hate to tell you but DH says boxed N64 games are actually the most expensive to collect from the retro consoles...

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 07/05/2017 17:46

If he's getting £500 per month he should certainly be contributing towards bringing up his daughter, what kind of wanker prioritise computer games over his DC? I'm Angry on your behalf, OP.

Do NOT allow his neurosis to dictate to you (the theft thing) - if he's that concerned he can fork out for a safe or put a lock on a sturdy cupboard door. It's not acceptable for him to fill your home with shite. If you pander to him it will only get worse.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 17:48

Can you see why I had bit of an oh shit moment?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/05/2017 18:32

Oh yes, I know that people spend £££££££££££££££ on collecting these games (to never even be played) DH has shown me the photos on forums of their games collections.

He is Confused at the point of it, he always wheels and deals and trades but isn't a collector!!!

Dream Cast, N64, Sega, it's all stuff I am far too aware of Grin I think at one time we had a PS1, PS2, PS3, Xbox, Xbox 360, dream cast, N64 all set up as you need to test the games before selling them!!!!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 07/05/2017 18:38

Stick to the line - your home is only for the stuff of the people who live here. That's easy for you both to understand. No grey area.

15% maintenance sounds reasonable.

Clear boundaries, no expecting him to work out what is and isn't reasonable.

picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2017 19:34

I don't know when he's being a cockwomble and when it's his Aspergers

I am always a bit  when I hear this trotted out. Why does it matter?

Because when someone has ASD the intention and understanding which makes some behaviours beyond the pale is not there. Some behaviours are always unacceptable. Some are only unacceptable if they are deliberate. Some become too wearing to tolerate over time, but are not in themselves unacceptable. Some are unacceptable sometimes, and acceptable others, which is why relationships with people with ASD can be tricky!

picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2017 19:35

That was a quote fail, sorry!

SouthWestmom · 07/05/2017 20:13

Stuff like this is why people vote Tory though. It's great we've moved away from forced adoption and mothers being shamed but it's swung too far in the other direction when you can choose to have a kid, not pay for it (male and female parents) and keep having them knowing the state will pay.
I totally get what pp have said. Great if you can afford to run two households, but why should the state pay for that?

Astro55 · 07/05/2017 20:47

Because like it or not - OP hasn't done anything illegal - it's been this way for 40+ years - it's not knew!!

It's just that more people are aware that they are better off living separately - even to the detriment of the family unit - but government encourages it.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 21:20

I'm not running his household, fuck that! He can pay for that himself! I chose to have DC2 because I knew off my own back even without tax credits I could afford to have her, if I couldn't then I wouldn't as bad as that makes me sound, just like even though I'm not exactly keen on it I chose a uni course that I know at the end of it will lead me to a decent job, I still went to work when pregnant and only started uni in September after I'd amassed enough savings to know that if I didn't spend silly like some my age at uni I'd still have a sizable chunk of savings at the end of it

I didn't think 'oh I know tax credits will pay for her' I made sure I'd be alright off my own back even if it meant having to sometimes do 10/12hr shifts at work once a week so I'd get time & half

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/05/2017 21:26

'It's just that more people are aware that they are better off living separately - even to the detriment of the family unit - but government encourages it.'

Why on Earth should anyone be forced to live in a 'family unit' with someone they are incompatible with in that capacity. How is that good for children?

She's made it clear she's not living off the state.

Willow2017 · 07/05/2017 22:52

Neof

RTFT!

Astro55 · 07/05/2017 23:00

Her living arrangements are her own - and she's doing nothing wrong -

I'm glad my mother was a single mother because the alternative would have been very damaging

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 23:13

Astro - if I was forced to live with dc1's dad then dc1 probably wouldn't be here, I already nearly lost hin twice when pregnant because of him so I'm more than glad I don't have to!

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 23:13

*him

OP posts:
FrenchLavender · 08/05/2017 06:49

She's made it clear she's not living off the state.

How? I must have missed that bit.

What degree are you doing Queen?

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 08/05/2017 10:01

Business management and finance, the business side is interesting but I'm not keen on the finance side lol

OP posts:
LadyPW · 08/05/2017 10:22

I think some of the posters on here should try reading the other thread on understanding autism - it still applies to adults.....

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 08/05/2017 10:25

I read it ladyPW it was actually quite interesting, helped a lot for looking out for things that could present in DC1 as well as helping me understand DP a bit better

OP posts:
Assburgers · 08/05/2017 10:47

I'm aspergers and there's no way I would make someone else put up with my shit, particularly if they pointed it out to me as you have.

He sounds a bit indulged, although he's very young. It's incredibly selfish of him to spend money collecting obsolete computer games while you struggle raising his child.

LadyPW · 08/05/2017 11:02

But it's a spectrum Assburgers so just because you or I would think twice there are plenty of others where those thoughts just wouldn't happen. He's obviously got a real issue with the thought of being burgled again (which won't necessarily transfer to the OP's place because in his mind that's totally different) and his solution is to keep his stuff at OP's because he thinks it will be safe there. That's his focus & he's blind to the rest - not because he's selfish but because it doesn't sink into his understanding of the situation.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 08/05/2017 11:08

I'm hoping that once he's been there a while he'll be a bit more confident

OP posts:
Middleoftheroad · 08/05/2017 11:15

OP I live with a retro games collector. in recent years he started collecting monitors also so now 10 large TV and 30 yrs worth of games and consoles.

we have moved to a 5 bed house and it fills thw huge loft. when we moved my heart sank and he had to hire another van for his equipmwnt and removal men not happy about moving heavy monitors

previously we had a three bed with 2 kids. we had a conservatory 20ft just to house them abd it would b disheartening to see wires and tvs everywhere.

the collection intensified after we met as thats when the monitors came. we also have more in garage

in about 6 yrs i want to downsize again and jave no idea how we woild do it. its a small shop he owns

I really emphathise as it does feel like a hoarding obsession as i found hundreds of cassettes ad videos which he wont throw and hundreds of magazines

FrenchLavender · 08/05/2017 11:24

we have moved to a 5 bed house and it fills thw huge loft. when we moved my heart sank and he had to hire another van for his equipmwnt and removal men not happy about moving heavy monitors

All that for a pile of shite that lives in a loft and is not even used or seen. Shock

As for the conservatory and the garage, I don't know HOW you can stay in that relationship Middle I really don't. Living surrounded by useless, old, bulky dusty, electrical equipment and tangles of filthy cables and plugs would drive me fucking insane. It drives me insane enough having to live with the modern day technological jumble of wires and remote controls that we do want and need.

Living in something akin to a junk shop would really mess with my mental health and my ability to function and be happy. I'd have bailed on him years ago. It's SO selfish.