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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect dp to either stop collecting or move it??

154 replies

Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 13:31

First post so bear with me please,
Dp is 20 and aspergers I'm 22 living in a moderate 3 bed terrace.
We have two dc, one 3 & one 4 months who both live with me. Dp is finally getting a place after sofa surfing for 7 months so all his stuff is currently at mine (long story regarding why it's not at his mum's)

His fascination is collecting video games and consoles (n64, ps2 etc) he collects the promotional items too ie cardboard cut outs. His stuff is everywhere I turn, currently he's got two shelving units full but he wants to get full collections for example there's 300 n64 games and he wants them all.

Aibu to say either put them in his place or don't collect anymore even though he's paranoid about being broken into?

He's had 4 break ins with stuff being stolen in 3 years, which is how he ended up back at his mum's house.

OP posts:
innagazing · 07/05/2017 14:09

Why are so many people being so rude asking the op why the father of her youngest doesn't live with her and the children? It really isn't anyone else's business beyond replying to her query about what she should do with his stuff!
I'd tell him he can have all his possessions at his new home, and have one drawer at yours for anything that it is convenient to perhaps leave at yours (I'm thinking change of clothes, book, toiletries). He should ensure that he has good locks, and adequate home insurance in his new place, and maybe give consideration to who he lets in and knows that he has the sort of stuff that thieves like to steal.

FrenchLavender · 07/05/2017 14:13

Ilove are you serious? She's 22 with a 3 year old with additional needs and a baby in a three bed house. Her 'DP' and father of her youngest child is a 20 year old who 'sofa surfs' and spends all his money on knackered old console games which he keeps on shelves in the OP's house. I think most of us made that leap.

But don't worry, if we are wrong about her financial set up then I am sure she will put us all right soon enough.

WomblingThree · 07/05/2017 14:14

If he doesn't live with you, he has no claim on any space in your house. How did all the crap turn up there anyway? Box it up and tell him it can either go in the loft or he needs to make his own storage arrangements. Make it clear to him that you are rejecting his collection, not him.

If he doesn't live with you, you can't tell him to stop collecting, he's a grown man. You can however decide what you want in your house.

Willow2017 · 07/05/2017 14:22

Your house your rules.
Box it all up and tell him it either goes in storage or at his new place. There is enough mess with kids stuff to keep on top of never mind having to dust/hoover round some collection that isnt even yours!

Its ok for him to want to collect it, its his interest, his life but its not your job to house it for him in your house. His collection his responsibility to look after.

FrenchLavender · 07/05/2017 14:22

Womble is right. Just tell him no. It's not his home, it's yours and you don't have space or time to indulge him with all this crap.

He needs to get adequate insurance for his collection if it's valuable enough that people keep breaking in to nick it. And stop telling people it's there. Or get some better security on his place. Or pay for a storage unit. Either way, none of it is your problem. If you continue to tolerate this then it will get worse and worse.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 14:27

I'm not too sure how to tag so I'll just answer questions in order
He would drive me mental living together, this was the set up we had when we first got together and it works, well, worked for us

I'm at uni, with alot of help from family regarding childcare, under special circumstances which means I can do most of my work at home

We had an argument about this last night when I said he'd have to move his stuff to his new place once he gets the keys and he doesn't see why 'since I know he's paranoid about it being stolen'

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 14:31

I forgot a question, my youngest wasn't planned, the implant failed because I'm one of the lucky ones, I didn't actually plan on more kids until everything was settled with my eldest and he was in full time school atleast

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/05/2017 14:33

'We had an argument about this last night when I said he'd have to move his stuff to his new place once he gets the keys and he doesn't see why 'since I know he's paranoid about it being stolen' '

Not your problem. Just no. 'I'm not storing this stuff in my home. You move it once you get the keys to your new place or you find alternate arrangements. You have one week post move-in or it's going to the skip. I'd do it, too.

LadyPW · 07/05/2017 14:34

I would never, ever live with him. He's a hoarder.
No, he has Asperger's - OP says that in her second sentence & it's very relevant here. A lot of Aspies collect items - not hoarding everything that they come across, but collecting particular things (which can be rather bizarre). I have a thing about getting full collections of a book series i.e. I've collected the full set of Chalet School books despite only having half a dozen old copies that originally inherited. It's a passion, you're driven to collect. It's totally different to people who just can't bear to throw things out.
Could they be boxed up & stored in your loft OP? Storing them at his place is the obvious one but if he's getting broken into that often then it's not exactly ideal & just the thought of it will panic him more. Telling him no more is unlikely to work....

Inertia · 07/05/2017 14:35

Bloody hell - so this man has fathered a child, yet it's your family who pick up the childcare for you so you can study, he spends money on collecting video games and consoles instead of providing for his child, and now he's throwing a hissy fit that you don't want him to add to the crap you already have to put up with at your house?

If it were me , the stuff either goes to his house or it goes in the bin.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2017 14:38

'No, he has Asperger's - OP says that in her second sentence & it's very relevant here. A lot of Aspies collect items - not hoarding everything that they come across, but collecting particular things (which can be rather bizarre).'

My son has Asperger's. It's still hoarding.

I wouldn't offer to store it in your loft, OP. Then you're responsible for it. And you're not running a storage unit.

He can make other arrangements to store it if he doesn't want it in his home.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/05/2017 14:39

I have Asperger's. I collect vintage tin signs.

Can't resist them. Even rusty ones.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2017 14:40

But do you expect others to house and store your collections, King?

Inertia · 07/05/2017 14:40

And if his place is being broken into because people know he collects this stuff, then word will get round that it's all at your house and that puts you at risk of being burgled - why the hell should you compromise your children's safety to protect some sodding video games?

If they are that valuable, he pays for a secure storage unit.

Though it'd be far better if he sold the lot and paid for some childcare for his child.

Cheekichi · 07/05/2017 14:42

Obsessive collecting is a well documented aspect of Asbergers. If you can't accept his collecting, sadly this may not be the right partner for you as it is unlikely he can change this particular behaviour. Sorry, hope things work out for you and your family.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 14:43

He also collects bottle caps LadyPW lol
I know there's alot of issues as inertia has picked up on, believe me I'm not ignorant or blind to them, the housing issue needed to be sorted before anything else for the pure reason of if we do break up he actually has somewhere to go since he can't go back to his mum's house.

He can't go back to his mum's for a good reason, her DH was just recently been diganosed with fybro, his sister is undergoing treatment for ptsd and his mum's got a 4 month old as well (less than 24 hrs older than my DD lol) plus she's in a 3 bed council house as well so not as if he could move there if we broke up

OP posts:
specialsubject · 07/05/2017 14:47

Storage costs quite a lot and it doesn't sound like money grows on trees in this setup.

I also imagine video games cost a lot.

Best of luck...

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 14:48

I can accept that he hoards/collects however you want to put it, I can't accept having his shite all over my own house because he doesn't want to keep it elsewhere
His reaction last night made me feel like I was being evil by asking him to move it so some more perspective and a kick up the bum was needed to help me tackle it which I have had and I'm feeling a bit more re-energised

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/05/2017 14:49

True, you don't have to except his stuff in your home.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/05/2017 14:51

expatinscotland , ooo, no.

They're all screwed to my garden fence and mostly covered with ivy.

My parents hoard by proxy. They 'give' DS things that he might find useful. Dried up pens, an elderly pencil sharpener, a single marble, games with bits missing.

But I have met people who think it's okay to store stuff in other people's houses. It might be quite common.

picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2017 14:51

Just to clarify, the storage unit suggestion was for HIM to get to keep HIS stuff in. HIS collection must never come in your house.

YADNBU to ask him to get his stuff out.
It is NU for him to collect- as PPs say, it is part of who he is.
It would be VVU of him to expect you to store his collection though. He has to respect you on this!

picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2017 14:52

Kingjoffrey, is hoarding by proxy a thing? My DM does this. Gives us terrible, pointless things that she can't bear to get rid of.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/05/2017 14:55

Hoarding by proxy is totally a thing.

There's a long thread in housekeeping from a poster properly struggling with her family filling her home up.

Iamastonished · 07/05/2017 14:56

Tell him that,as it isn't your stuff, it isn't insured. If it gets stolen it won't be covered.

Willow2017 · 07/05/2017 14:57

Nope its not being evil, its your house and its his stuff two seperate things altogether.

He either

  1. Gets better security on his new place
  2. gets storage

But either way the stuff goes. Once he has the keys give him a day or two to get it boxed up and move it. If he makes a big fuss you box it up and put it outside and tell him to collect it or it stays outside.

Why should you have to be his unpaid storage unit? He is perfectly able to understand that his stuff is his responsibility he isnt 2yrs old.