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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect dp to either stop collecting or move it??

154 replies

Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 13:31

First post so bear with me please,
Dp is 20 and aspergers I'm 22 living in a moderate 3 bed terrace.
We have two dc, one 3 & one 4 months who both live with me. Dp is finally getting a place after sofa surfing for 7 months so all his stuff is currently at mine (long story regarding why it's not at his mum's)

His fascination is collecting video games and consoles (n64, ps2 etc) he collects the promotional items too ie cardboard cut outs. His stuff is everywhere I turn, currently he's got two shelving units full but he wants to get full collections for example there's 300 n64 games and he wants them all.

Aibu to say either put them in his place or don't collect anymore even though he's paranoid about being broken into?

He's had 4 break ins with stuff being stolen in 3 years, which is how he ended up back at his mum's house.

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 07/05/2017 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 07/05/2017 15:00

No for fuck's sake NO! He does not get to hoard in someone else's house!
You are not obliged to enable his hoarding to such a degree as you are housing his collection for him. He can fill his house to the rafters with games to the rafters but he may not do the same to yours. I am telling you now, if you don't establish this essential boundary now, the collection will grow and become ever more precious to him. It will only get harder to get rid of as you become totally enmeshed in his compulsion. Tell him to get it moved pronto and mean it.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 07/05/2017 15:01

Not being evil, its not your stuff and you don't live together - so tell him he removes it to his own house or you will throw it out. He won't get a warning, you aren't storing his stuff when he has his own place.

You will have to put clear boundaries in. He doesn't live with you, so his stuff doesn't live at your house. (I presume the collecting habit has influenced your decision not to live as a family, which is a shame)

witsender · 07/05/2017 15:02

Why is your place less likely to get broken into?

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 15:07

Invisible, it has somewhat, he seems to just be amassing more and more, it wasn't a problem to start with because it was just a few games, but last night he was jabbering on about getting the full set of 300 n64 games and I sort of had an 'oh shit' moment, I didn't even know there was that many bloody games, which is how the topic of him moving it to the other place came about

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 15:09

Witsender, it's not that's the thing, his place is round the corner from mine, they're on equally busy streets, his is a one bedroom flat on the top floor, he just seems to think that because this is a house it won't get broken into

OP posts:
KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/05/2017 15:12

You need a break in.

Not a real one, that would be shite.

Stage one.

witsender · 07/05/2017 15:12

I'd say a top.floor flat is far less likely to be broken into

niangua · 07/05/2017 15:15

None of this sounds like a particularly healthy relationship. A 20 year old homeless person who hoards video games?

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 15:18

Maybe he thinks it's safer here because I have live down the street from a shop there's always people walking past my house lol
My front room is fully of boxes ready for moving, anyone reckon he'd notice if I stuck some of his games in them??

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 07/05/2017 15:19

he is not a hoarder. he is however aspie and his special interests are consoles and games. this is part of his disability but he needs to manage it in a way that does not impact significantly on you.

he thinks his place is going to get broken into but you need to persuade him that his place is safer (top floor, can he add another lock to the door or windows? ) than your place.

for gods sake do not throw it out. exceptionally cruel to do due his disability. if you want to get rid, take it round there and let him deal with it.

persuasion is your best bet.

but yes I can understand it pisses you off. ex still has some of his stuff in the loft. not bothering me there though. his thing was collecting videos of music programmes. fine when he lived in his own place. not so fine when we needed to fit three more people in the same space. and not fine when he moved and left it. anyway it has gone and it is now his problem.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/05/2017 15:21

If you're front room is full of boxes then just pack it all up.

Seriously, it's his stuff and you don't want it at your house.

It's a no brained.

BlackeyedSusan · 07/05/2017 15:23

he may be 20 but given he is aspie I would reckon on emotional age much younger.

use the fraud aspect to persuade him to move it too.

innagazing · 07/05/2017 15:24

He needs a strong front door on his new flt and good locks, and insurance.
You're not 'evil'. Your house, your rules. This is solely his responsibility, and you need to stand your ground about getting it out of your home as soon as he moves in. In fact, box it up now in readiness!
You have to establish very firm boundaries, and remember, as they say on here, that 'No' is a complete sentence!
Good luck with your studies- I really admire anyone who can study with young kids around to care for too.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 15:30

That's a good idea Blackeyedsusan, I'm meant to going to have a look at the new place tomorrow when he gets the keys, I'll talk to him about the lock thing then

I'm just going to have to be firmer aren't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 15:32

He just makes me feel so evil whenever I suggest anything like this, saying that he feels like I'm kicking him out the family, I don't want him anymore, he's going to miss DDs milestones and he doesn't want to, so I feel rediculously guilty even when he doesn't start crying which he does half the time

OP posts:
FrenchLavender · 07/05/2017 15:42

Kicking him out of the family? Shock

Tell him he's not in 'the family.' If you are a family then you live together and he supports his child and pays his way on household expenses. He's your boyfriend. You had an unplanned PG which you chose to go ahead with. You don't live with him because you know you a better off financially as a single parent. Let's not dress it up as anything else please.

CoolCarrie · 07/05/2017 15:43

You have certainly got your hands full OP. You are not being unreasonable in the least, not evil and you shouldn't let him make you feel that. Put your foot down on this, it's not going to get any better if you don't tell him, not ask him to sort out insurance etc on his flat.
I think you are going to have issues ahead OP, in many ways you now have three children to look after.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/05/2017 15:44

He sound very manipulative. Border lining on nasty.

He wants to keep his crap at your house because he doesn't want to house piles of clutter.

Willow2017 · 07/05/2017 15:50

You need him to understand that you can't kick someone out who doesn't live there.

He needs to see his place is less likely to be burgled.

He needs to see his stuff isn't your responsibility you dont want it end of.

You are not stopping him seeing the kids so he needs to stop guilt tripping you. Remind him adults discuss things and take responsibility for their own shit. If he is responsible enough to be a father them then he is responsible enough for a bunch of games.

Do you think he is really responsible enough to be a supportive father or are his needs/ wants going to come first on other areas? You do seem to have a lot on your shoulders already without him having a strop over old games and consoles.

If there are spare boxes to put his stuff in just add it to the pile already there.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 15:52

French - I know I'm better off financially without living with him, I make sure I pay my bills, provide for my kids and live as frugally as I can to make what money I do get stetches to give my kids everything they need, I've even said that to him and never hid it that us living together would be a disaster because he wastes his money on what I think his pure shite

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 16:03

I think part of the problem is I don't know when hes being a cockwomble and when it is his aspergers which I know I need to work on

Damn I sound like a doormat when in reality I'm stressed, exhausted and trying to get through uni because all I want is to be the best I can for the kids

OP posts:
LadyPW · 07/05/2017 16:03

*He sound very manipulative. Border lining on nasty.

He wants to keep his crap at your house because he doesn't want to house piles of clutter.*

You have no idea what autistic is do you? Angry

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/05/2017 16:06

Yes, I understand what autistic is, thank you.

Telling the OP that if she doesn't house his collection then she's 'kicking him out of the family' is manipulative.

You can't dress that up any other way.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 07/05/2017 16:07

I don't think they do, he doesn't have the capacity to be manipulative, I don't even think he knows what it is

OP posts: