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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' Angry This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 13:39

Same here fuzzy

Neither of us could just tuck in, knowing the other one hasn't got enough.

Moussemoose · 07/05/2017 13:40

The key word is guest. You are a host you look after your guest.

As I said previously man, woman or fluffy alien. You look after your guest. Do you lot not have any manners?
It doesn't matter what size, what sex, what species - you look after your guest and feed them. You do not make value judgments about them and plate accordingly.

THirdEeye · 07/05/2017 13:41

You didn't humiliate her.

She implied that were greedy because you asked for more and then body shamed you and your DH sat and kept quiet Shock.

Personally, I would be having stern words with him. I may go to the meal and be light and breezy but I'm not sure I would go back to visit.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 13:41

Toast, I read that as 'seeing as I am younger, taller and far more attractive Grin

ToastDemon · 07/05/2017 13:42

Worra Grin

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 13:45

That is up to you and your dh. But you do not enforce that on guests. If you are plating up, ask how hungry people are

But this is illogical unless you wish them to say exactly how much they wish i.e. Can I have two sausages please? Why not just put it in the centre of thr table?

Take myself and two female friends. One five foot eight and a size ten to twelve. One five foot ten and a size eight, one five foot and a size 18. If you asked us all how hungry we were does that tell you how much to give us? Because I can assure you sometimes the skinniest one eats the most, other times the medium one, and other times the heavier one. It really depends on how we feel. What about the five foot ten woman who is bigger than one of the men who is five foot eight and thin as a rail. Who gets the most? I don't want any guest to have to tell me exactly how much to portion up . Just platter it up and let them decide.

Badgoushk · 07/05/2017 13:46

BlandWallpaper, I'm like your DIL. Just give her a big portion. She won't be offended.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/05/2017 13:47

I would be more pissed off with your DH for not offering some of his food. He has never had your back over this, just sitting there in a spineless puddle and letting you take the flack.

Any decent partner would have dealt with this after the breastfeeding incident.

DotForShort · 07/05/2017 13:49

I do think that plating food for adults is rather odd. I'm not British, so perhaps that accounts for my reaction. But it strikes me as so strange for a host to decide how much food each guest should have, rather than leaving it up to the guests.

Obviously, serving unequal portions is crazy. Helping yourself to the food on someone else's plate seems equally odd to me (even if that person is your husband).

EmpressoftheMundane · 07/05/2017 13:50

If we are plating food up with guests (who wants to wash up all those serving dishes?), then I ask how much they want. "Can you manage two eggs?" etc. People generally ask for less. With my inlaws, I plate up FIL (who is a big strapping man) and MIL eyes it and says, "oh not so much for me!" Which is fine. But I always err on the side of over catering and having a few leftovers.

I would never comment on how much some one is eating, their weight, etc. It's massively rude.

sussexman · 07/05/2017 13:51

*Why not just put it in the centre of thr table? "

Exactly. If you have to plate as worra says, then plate and let people take their own plate.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 07/05/2017 13:51

Is black pudding healthy - well it's certainly healthier than the average sausage Smile

It mainly blood, onions, oatmeal and a portion of fat. It's rich in iron.

No it's not food for everyday, that's for sure but a plate with a couple of slices of bacon, a slice of black pudding, beans and an egg is healthier than the same minus the black pudding but plus 3 sausages.

Badgoushk · 07/05/2017 13:52

The people who find plating odd, do you find it odd when food is plated for you in a restaurant? Genuine question.

itsmine · 07/05/2017 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chippednailvarnishing · 07/05/2017 13:53

I too would have swapped plates with my DH.
You clearly have a DH problem as well as a MIL one, God help you if you happened to ever have a daughter OP.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/05/2017 13:54

We had thing we used to do in our extended family where after a big family get together the night before someone would host breakfast. We would put out platters of sausages, bacon etc and then do the eggs to order. So we would offer "how many eggs do you want? Runny or hard yolks?" And then someone (usually dad) would be in the kitchen making them as people served their other food. Worked well.

HerBluebiro · 07/05/2017 13:56

bluntness I rarely plate up for guests for that very reason (more faff than it is worth. I end up feeling like a school dinner lady). But if there isn't table space for central dishes you have to make adjustments. Either put loads on everyone's plate (with accompanying waste) or channel your inner dinner lady

EatsShitAndLeaves · 07/05/2017 13:57

I would plate up a cooked breakfast tbh. But I take everyone's "order" before cooking, so people get what they want and the quantity they would like.

For a roast I put everything out and let people serve themselves.

Then again I kill the fatted calf and the chance of not having loads of leftovers is none existent - not just because I'd be mortified to see anyone go hungry but also because the leftovers mean I've loads of lovely food options the next day (hot roast beef sandwiches with gravy anyone? Bubble and squeak? Cold chicken salad, beef hash, pork stir fry etc).

Itsnotmesothere · 07/05/2017 13:58

I let people serve themselves when I had a bigger kitchen. It's out of the question now. In any case, they can help themselves to seconds, at different times obviously.

rookiemere · 07/05/2017 14:00

I tend to plate our family meals as it saves on washing up.

If we have guestsfor breakfast I'd tend to ask them what and how much they wanted , or I'd assume average size portions for everyone so 2 sausages each and 2 rashers of bacon and hope that it worked out.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/05/2017 14:01

I would plate up a cooked breakfast tbh. But I take everyone's "order" before cooking, so people get what they want and the quantity they would like.

Thats what I do when we have "breakfast for dinner" at home, or when its just close family such as ma & pa or Dsis and her husband. And I am an over caterer too, I cant imagine anything worse that someone leaving my table hungry!

DSis's outlaws serve sparrow portions but everyone gets the same. So 6' 5" active BIL and 5'9" active sis get exactly the same as 5'2" not very active MIL! Not great but at least its fair!

Mamia15 · 07/05/2017 14:02

Why are you with a spineless coward of a man?

problembottom · 07/05/2017 14:03

I hate the way women's food is controlled and commented on, it's so damaging.

My DM is a disordered eater who has been everything from obese to super-skinny, who hides biscuits down the sofa but only ever has half a sandwich. My DDad eats very hearty portions and is always the same healthy weight.

Even in restaurants, when the food arrives the assumption is often that the heavier meal - say a pizza - is for DP and I'm having the grilled fish and veg. It's always the other way round!

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 14:06

The people who find plating odd, do you find it odd when food is plated for you in a restaurant? Genuine question

Restaurants have to exercise portion control to manage their profits. So unless you're at an all you can eat buffet it's expected that you order and pay for a portion and that portion is managed in terms of how much it costs in ingredients etc through to what the end price is.

That's very different to a domestic hosting situation where you invite guests, as said the only reason I can see it being required is due to financial constraints, just like the restaurant. If you have no financial constraints you just want to decide how much people can eat in your home then its odd.

YouTheCat · 07/05/2017 14:10

If the mil was plating food according to people's calorific requirements surely she would have given the OP a much larger portion when she was breast feeding? Depriving a BFing mother of food is twatty.