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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' Angry This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:
HildaOg · 07/05/2017 13:16

Your husband should be standing up for you, he's wrong to sit there and allow you to be treated like that.

She was the one being obnoxious by telling you that you need to eat less and referring to your weight.

You did absolutely the right thing. Keep it up.

AnaViaSalamanca · 07/05/2017 13:18

But why does she plate the food in the first place? Why not put everything in the serving dish and people would help themselves? This whole plating the food is really odd IMO

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 13:20

DH had been told what i would do if MIL pulled that nonsense. It wouldn't have come as a surprise.

You told him you'd be taking his food away from him??

Don't get me wrong, your MIL is very rude and your DH is rude not to offer you some of his breakfast.

But telling him you'll be walking up to his plate and silently scraping his food onto yours, just as rude imo.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/05/2017 13:20

I do agree that your DH should open his mouth and comment, rather than letting YOU do all the redress. He should have, for example, said "Lurker, would you like some of mine since you don't appear to have enough on your plate?" That would have been infinitely more effective, I feel.

Kick him up the arse and make him do that next time.

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 13:22

Plating food isn't odd. Lots of people do it, probably as many as leave food for people to help themselves.

TheEmmaDilemma · 07/05/2017 13:22

I think I remember you posting about this before.

I do think she is rude to comment on your weight etc. I can also see she is maybe stuck in her ways.

Why has your DH not just sat her down and said that while she may want to eat less you want a full portion?

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 07/05/2017 13:23

I think the larger male portions dates back to a time when many men did a hard physical job and needed the extra fuel. I usually serve my dh larger portions as he has a physical job and I am watching my weight but that is my choice. I would always serve equal portions to guests unless they requested otherwise. It was MIL who humiliated you by serving up a smaller portion then mentioning your size when you spoke up.

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 13:24

Agree with ThumbWitches there. Or DH and Lurker should sit, then when MiL asks why they're not eating, DH could say "Because Lurker doesn't appear to have been dished up completely yet, so I'm politely waiting until she has her full plate, then we'll eat together"

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 13:24

Plating food is only 'odd' on Mumsnet.

I don't actually know anyone in real life who doesn't plate food.

Besides, not everyone has a big enough table for all the plates to go in the middle.

Some people don't have dining tables at all, due to lack of space.

HerBluebiro · 07/05/2017 13:25

Who cares how fat anyone is?
You have a guest in your house. Your guest is hungry. You feed them and then ask if they want anything else.
These are the basic rules of hospitality across the world! "Please have some more". It's basic bloody manners.

This. All of this.

Op could be a twig. She could be a mammoth. None of it matters. Food and drink should be offered. Not forced and not restricted. The easiest way is to put it all in the middle and have a free for all.

Of course mil is embarrassed. She has been shown up to be a crap host.

But op you have won. Go for lunch and eat what you want. And enjoy it. Thank fuck she isn't serving you and relax.

TabascoToastie · 07/05/2017 13:27

Oh come on now, of course it's about having a penis. You really think the people who do this would dish out a larger portion to a tall woman or female athlete and at the same time dish out a tiny portion to a 5'9 man who does a desk job?

Besides the OP said it continued when she was breastfeeding, and everyone knows that requires extra calories, so it's not like the MIL has calculated each person's exact nutritional requirements and provided accordingly (though that would be creepy and intrusive).

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 13:27

^ Yep ^

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 13:30

If you plate food, then you plate up equal portions. Not "Here are the ladies' portions, here are the mens' portions, and here are the portions for what I think are the fat people who need to lose weight therefore they have far less than everyone else"

user1489179512 · 07/05/2017 13:30

Your mil is clearly a throwback to the 1940s BUT your behaviour was rude, OP.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/05/2017 13:31

I've been vilified on here for saying that. I think it's some kind of misguided feminism.

No its bad manners to decide for your guests how much they can eat based on ignorant assumptions about population averages.

On average younger people need more calories than older people and yet I can't recall a post where the host withheld food from guests on grounds of being middle aged. Indeed here the MiL gave FiL and the younger men similar portions and gave herself as much as the two younger women. Every time this comes up its women having their food intake controlled like children.

It is misogynistic to assume on a woman's behalf how much food she needs and want.

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 13:34

I wonder if there was an overweight male guest at Lurker's MiL's house. If so, did he receive a reduced portion too?

justgivemeamo · 07/05/2017 13:34

She was trying to control you and you have stood up for yourself and now she is humiliated! Awful! Agree your dh should have said something. Good on you though op!!

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 13:35

*But why does she plate the food in the first place? Why not put everything in the serving dish and people would help themselves? This whole plating the food is really odd IMO^

I agree. I actually don't know anyone who plates food in real life and portions out. Everyone I know puts the food in serving bowls and platters in the middle of the table and let's everyone help themselves. I think portioning it out is very old fashioned and possibly a hang over from the war when people were on rations.

If I was ever invited to someone's house that had portioned the food out I'd simply assume they hadn't cooked enough for everyone to help themselves so had to portion it then leave a little for seconds.

People eat varying amounts, from and it can differ day to day, depending on how they are feeling. A good host would never decide how much someone was permitted to eat in their house unless there was financial concerns. Asking Who's hungry is just as weird, my assumption would be everyone and how much one person eats when hungry versus another is not something that can be guessed.

The wars been over a long time, we don't need to give people their rations any more.

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 13:35

BF mums also need more to eat. I just can't get over her previous behaviour tbh Sad

Wondermoomin · 07/05/2017 13:35

You got one small sausage and the men got 3 large sausages each? Did she actually cook different sized sausages for males and females? That's bonkers Confused

fuzzywuzzy · 07/05/2017 13:35

I personally can't imagine my DP quietly tucking in whilst I'm left with a tiny portion of food. He'd be the one actively putting food from his plate on mine if he saw me left with an inadequate portion size.

Next time I'd do as a pp suggested and switch plates with DP see how he likes the tiny portion sizes.

HerBluebiro · 07/05/2017 13:38

Men may need 20% more on average. But in this specific case it isn't about being on average. And it isn't up to you to regulate anyone else's food intake.

If you want to serve your husband 25% more, or get him to give you 20% less. That is up to you and your dh. But you do not enforce that on guests. If you are plating up, ask how hungry people are. How much they want to eat. And if people want to eat more or less than you, you make no comment. You certainly do not have a dig about their weight. That is their choice to make. Not yours.

You control your own intake. That is all.

Botanicbaby · 07/05/2017 13:38

Can't believe someone would serve half a rasher of bacon?!

Why would you do this? I'm not excusing it but did she grow up during food rationing and it's a throwback to that? Along with the view that men need more calories and do more physical work? (I'm not saying this is right btw!)

I think your DH would have been rude to not mention the paltry amount on your plate served by your MIL (always the woman who gets the blame!) bit equally I wouldn't have stormed over to his plate to swipe some of his food.

You really have to speak to her (and your DH) for future visits, although I agree a good host would ensure their family had enough on the first place as it can feel awkward having to ask for more when you're a guest.

ToastDemon · 07/05/2017 13:38

If you're going to get scientific about giving people scientifically appropriate portions, then presumably I should get a larger portion than my short, post-menopausal MIL seeing as I am younger, taller and far more active?

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 13:38

Every time this comes up its women having their food intake controlled like children

I agree this is often the case, you never hear of just men having their poetuons controlled for them. It's usually women having their food intake reduced and controlled. However plenty of posts where people don't cook enough and everyone gets one sausage or whatever and everyone leaves hungry, .