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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' Angry This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 14:10

In addition I would also add that restaurants cater based on a menu, it's not a case of everyone having the same thing at the table. If it was then sharing platters would be available and often are.

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 14:11

Badgoushk The people who find plating odd, do you find it odd when food is plated for you in a restaurant? Genuine question

No, but in a restaurant you are a paying customer, not a guest, and the portions are not delivered according to how the chef views your size.

The chef doesn't think "Oh, everyone is paying £30 for their main course, but that woman looks a bit on the heavy side, so I'll dish up a half portion for her, even though she'll still be paying full price". Also, when in a restaurant, mostly everyone is ordering from a menu, so completely different plates of food.

In a carvery environment, you have to queue up and tell the servers what and how much you want on your plate.

If you're a guest in someone's home, it's a different scenario entirely. If you have guests, then you are polite. In a restaurant, I would not be happy for a chef or waiter to tell me their thoughts on how overweight underweight I might be. We used to frequent a very expensive restaurant near us. One time, one of the waiters commented and joked loudly throughout the evening on DP's lack of hair. We never went back after that, and the restaurant has now been taken over by someone else.

Restaurant environments are entirely different from home environments, so no comparison can be made there.

NavyandWhite · 07/05/2017 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/05/2017 14:11

I remember when I was expecting DC 4 and ex and I went out for dinner. It was just after the morning sickness has stopped and before the stage where you can only eat little and often. I order surf and turf with an added side, I was starving and at the point was underweight due to the severe sickness. Cant remember what he ordered but the plate was half the size of mine. The waiter didnt even ask and just plonked the surf and turf in front of him. His face was quite a picture when we both said that that was my meal :o

chocolateworshipper · 07/05/2017 14:12

Next time you take her out for lunch, ask the waiter/waitress for the children's menu for your MIL - since she is so clearly fond of small portions

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/05/2017 14:13

No Navy he needs to stand up FOR his wife so she doesnt need to go to such extremes just to get a decent amount of food.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/05/2017 14:14

Next time you take her out for lunch, ask the waiter/waitress for the children's menu for your MIL

:o if you want to be truly PA then that is the way to go! "Oh just the childrens menu for MIL thanks"

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 14:15

Dh and I used to have guests a lot and plated up breakfast if it was full English. It's a British thing I suppose. He's French. They don't do it. But we gave everyone generous portions. And we asked guests what they wanted. Ie how many eggs, how much bacon etc. It wouldn't occur to me to body shame. When my friend comes over with her ds, I cook and ask her how much she wants. If she's hungry, she can have a "man sized" portion. It's often normal not to plate up with a dinner party. It depends. But we'd always have too much. Anything else is outrageous.

Good on you for showing this woman up. Was lunch good?

NavyandWhite · 07/05/2017 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moussemoose · 07/05/2017 14:15

I personally wouldn't plate up. I would be horrified if all the food went I always over cater. I also love leftovers.
But if you are going to plate up then you have to ask. Weird dynamics or not a guest is a guest. The guest get the best bits - FHB - family hold back. In this case your family are your guests but it is still massively rude to give too little food. Very, very bad manners. Shameful.

RudeDog · 07/05/2017 14:16

The constant comments about my weight ruined my relationship with MIL

At a size 10 she suggested I could apply for the Biggest Loser.
Any opportunity to make a snide comment to make a comment about mine (or someone else's weight) was not to be missed.
She would tell me a woman running the London marathon wasn't fit because she was a size 12

She did small portions for everyone but it was the constant comments about us 'gorging ourselves' on tiny meals. Several times she tried basically to starve me (whilst feeding herself in the kitchen).

After many years I could hardly be bothered to speak to her. DH used to try and get me to go shopping with her (when I was a size 14 - what fun would that be).

Unless it stops it just gets worse and worse as your patience runs out

Squishedstrawberry4 · 07/05/2017 14:18

A fully breast feeding woman uses 500 calories extra a day.

I eat the same as my DH and we are both slim. He sits on his arse a lot, while I'm very active.

GrassWillBeGreener · 07/05/2017 14:19

Haven't read the full thread but - the breakfast plate you ended up with probably had something resembling the amount I regularly have for breakfast, and am managing to lose weight on. (admittedly low-carbing but nevertheless!)

MrsHathaway · 07/05/2017 14:19

I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding.

DH is big - 6'8" tall, rowed for Oxford. I am 5'3" and have never been smaller than a 10/12 even when under the Eating Disorders Unit. The dieticians taught me as a rule of thumb to eat two thirds of his portion.

So in the OP that would mean serving the women perhaps two sausages, two slices of bacon, one egg, small helping of beans and a small slice of black pudding OR serving the men one large sausage, one slice of bacon, one egg and one slice of toast. The former sounds generous/brunch and the latter hilariously stingy unless it's choose two of three ...

I agree that DH needs to grow up in his mother's presence. I don't think you should go nuts at lunch but you certainly shouldn't feel obliged to stint yourself either.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2017 14:20

Navy op was making a stand, by pinching her husbands leftovers when he failed to defend his mean mum against her. I don't blame op, there is a point that comes, which tips you over the edge, and I think the point was today for op. Op husband for failing to have her back when she was breastfeeding, and sitting there like a lemon, today, this! Op husband behaviour was far ruder.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 07/05/2017 14:20

Yes we always ask how many sausages/eggs/tomatos people want

MrsHathaway · 07/05/2017 14:20

*course two of three

Shit phone.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 14:21

I agree Navy

I have this vision of the OP's husband sitting there awkwardly staring at his feet, while his Mum treats his wife like shit.

Then sitting there awkwardly staring at his feet while his wife grabs his plate and scrapes his food onto hers.

I'm wondering at what point (if any) he's ever going to speak up.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 14:21

Navy op was making a stand, by pinching her husbands leftovers

The weren't his leftovers.

RedDogsBeg · 07/05/2017 14:24

The people who find plating odd, do you find it odd when food is plated for you in a restaurant? Genuine question

Restaurants don't alter their portion sizes depending on the sex and/or weight of the adult person who ordered.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with plating food for guests, there is something very wrong with policing the amount of food guests are given depending on their sex and/or size.

I know the people I feed well enough to know what they like/don't like and how much/little they eat so if I am plating up for them I plate accordingly. If I don't know/am unsure then I open my mouth and ask.

SabineUndine · 07/05/2017 14:24

I'm also fat and if your MIL had done this to me I would have called her out on it. She was trying to humiliate you and you cleverly turned the tables on her. Serve her right. Don't put up with any more crap from her. Who does she think she is, the food police?

elfies · 07/05/2017 14:25

Take her out for lunch and hand her the childrens menu 'as they are smaller portions' .

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/05/2017 14:26

But sometimes a big dramatic gesture is what it takes to get through to people. Clearly the BF incident didnt get through to the DH otherwise he would have offered some of his food and it didnt get through to the MIL as the DH didnt speak to her about it.

Now no one is left in any doubt.

However, if the OP does go back for food at MILs (which is doubtful) then she can expect lots of PA little digs along the lines of "Oh mustnt forget to give OP extra, we all know how she likes to stuff her face".

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/05/2017 14:26

RudeDog my relationship with my own mother is a shambles because of similar behaviour.

A lunch box at school would only have one tiny half sandwich. I was told constantly that I had a big bum. After I gave birth she was brutal about my weight and I'd often leave her house in tears. Tenn shopping trips I'd be dragged around Evans and other 'out-sized' shops while she shouted that there was nothing for me, I was about a size 12 and I'd helplessly follow her around in tears.

She tried similar with DS he has scars from rashes, pulling up his trouser legs to see them but I soon put a stop to that.

She thinks she's coming to live with us when my dad dies. That would be no!!

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2017 14:27

Her constant references to op weight is unacceptable, and far ruder, than what op did.