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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' Angry This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 07/05/2017 12:44

Why on Earth didn't you sort this out in an adult way???

Read the OP's posts. This was not a one off, its been going on for years including when she was breastfeeding.

She did try to sort it in an adult way - she asked if there was any more first.

Bantanddec · 07/05/2017 12:47

Half a piece of bacon?? Wtf
Order a pizza Hut deal with all the sides to her house Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/05/2017 12:48

Hope you've decided to stay and gone out for lunch now. You did well this morning - that wasn't humiliating, that was getting yourself enough to eat.
If she FELT humiliated, that's her look out, not yours - she should have given you enough food in the first place.

Can't be doing with that kind of controlling shit - who the fuck does she think she is?!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 07/05/2017 12:51

A 5'11" person at size 12 would be slightly worrying.

Worrying in what way?

TBH if you are going out for lunch the men's portions sound utterly ridiculous to me. But YANBU she should ask how much people want.

It's interesting I eat more than SIL and MIL, but MIL just gives me more, it's no great issue ime.

happypoobum · 07/05/2017 12:52

I think you have a DH problem.

He should have offered you some of his food and/or quietly said to MIL not to pull this shit on you any longer or you won't stay again.

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 12:52

Thank you, Sylvannas - that's the point I was trying to get at, but just plucked random figures out of the air. Sorry - didn't mean to imply tall, slim people are unhealthy. Just that not all tall, slim people are necessarily any healthier than shorter, chubbier people may be. My DP, for instance, is tall, slim fit and active. Yet he has high (bad) cholesterol. I'm shorter and a bit plumper now that I've reached my twilight years and do less exercise, but my cholesterol levels are fine. DC are healthy in all areas and do lots of exercise, but eat massive amounts. DS is tall, DD is short. Their weight reflects their lifestyles.

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2017 12:55

How does the SiL feel about this?

And yes, I think it's a 'DH Problem'.

Noctilucent · 07/05/2017 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chewbecca · 07/05/2017 12:58

Your MiL was U to have made the comment about your weight
You were rude to take the food from your h's plate

I have to admit though that the phrase penis portions is new to me and that I am 'guilty' of this. I give more potatoes and more meat to men for a roast dinner and more sausages. I'm v short and definitely need smaller portions than DH or DF. I give all females the same, regardless of weight/dress size. Is this something I need to be 'guilty' over?

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 12:59

In one way I totally get what you're saying Evans but then in another way I don't.

You say So if you're 5'3" , size 18 is probably fat then

There is no 'probably' about it. Not at all Confused

Equally, being 5'11" and a size 12 would not be slightly worrying at all, unless (as you rightly say) that person is unhealthy.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 13:02

Chewbecca I'd just give them all the same amount unless someone has specifically asked for less or more.

I wouldn't assume anything according to what sex they are.

Anyway, appetites vary according to the individual.

SoulAccount · 07/05/2017 13:04

Is black pudding healthy?? ( to a pp).

I thought it was congealed blood and breadcrumbs, studded with cubes of lard? Fried.

The breakfast she served the men, who eats 3 sausages plus that lot, unless they are just back from or about to embark on a 7 hour trek over high ground? She is just as controlling being a 'feeder' to the men as she is in policing the women.

But without the open hostility, and blatant misogyny.

Usernamegone · 07/05/2017 13:05

OP I'm a size 10 and I would have cried at being given that portion! I would have had 2 x sausages 2/3 x bacon, mushroom, black pudding, 2 x hash browns, fried egg and baked beans. I probably would have had a light lunch later in the day though.

Would it have been too much for MIL to ask how hungry everyone was (very, not very)?

Clearly there was enough food to go round as MIL dished up 3 x the portion size to the men!

Original poster
ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 13:07

So many posts! I realised a couple of pages ago I'd hit the mumsnet trifecta of MIL, food and fat.
The half of bacon was just the top bit. The fatty bottom she doesn't like.
They are not short on money.
DH had been told what i would do if MIL pulled that nonsense. It wouldn't have come as a surprise.

OP posts:
EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 13:07

On the very rare occasion that we are all at home at the same time at the weekend, I will do a full cooked breakfast with additional healthier options of fruits and houghurts. Everything is put into serving dishes and plonked on the table (whether we have guests or not) and then everyone helps themselves to whatever they want. I would not dream of 'plating up' and dictating what someone wants to eat. That way, everyone is happy. Regardless of height, size or cholesterol levels. Halo

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 13:08

houghourts?

Yoghurts

Gwenhwyfar · 07/05/2017 13:09

"I'm a size 10-12 and I'd eat two or three bits of bacon, one egg and toast with butter."

For brunch maybe, but for breakfast as one of your three meals?
The average breakfast is two slices of toast or a bowl of cereal isn't it? What you've described is a lot for an early morning breakfast.
I actually thought most people only had traditional breakfast when they weren't having lunch e.g. Saturday lunchtime with a hangover.

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2017 13:09

You don't have a MiL problem so much as a DH problem - not about the food, but about the way she talks to you and he doesn't have your back

Anyway, I am slightly perplexed that so many people think that men and women should eat exactly the same, when men need about 20% more calories a day than women. Better for those calories to come from food at a meal time than snacking, surely?

Moussemoose · 07/05/2017 13:10

Chewbecca

I give all females the same, regardless of weight/dress size. Is this something I need to be 'guilty' over?

Err yes you should! You should ask your guests what they want not make assumptions based on their genitalia. Does someone really need you explain this?

I always ask "who's hungry?" so I can judge. Why wouldn't you do this?

C8H10N4O2 · 07/05/2017 13:12

I am slightly perplexed that so many people think that men and women should eat exactly the same, when men need about 20% more

The point is not that men on average need more than women on average. Individual variation is much greater than the averages. The point is giving women smaller portions because they are women without asking what they need or want is misogyny.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/05/2017 13:12

"I am slightly perplexed that so many people think that men and women should eat exactly the same, when men need about 20% more calories a day than women. "

I've been vilified on here for saying that. I think it's some kind of misguided feminism. The OP talks of 'penis portions'. It's nothing to do with having a penis and everything to do with muscle mass.

diddl · 07/05/2017 13:13

It's not just the difference in quantity but that the men get other stuff as well!

I'm gobsmacked that your husband sat there with more than twice as much food as you & said/did nothing.

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 13:14

I think it is rude to decide on behalf of your guest that they are going to have a smaller appetite than someone else. I would always split portions evenly then offer seconds to those with larger appetites, or no-one gets seconds.

GlitteryFluff · 07/05/2017 13:16

I think your husband needs to back you on this one.
Next time a meal is dished up 'mum why haven't you given lurker any black pudding or beans? She likes them' For example.

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 13:16

If a regular guest was always clearing their plate I certainly wouldn't continue to limit their portions either.

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