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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' Angry This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 07/05/2017 18:26

The general advice is that women need about 4/5 the calories of men. So not a very huge difference, but a difference. In most cases, if a woman eats the same as her (male) DP day in and day out, she will put on weight even if he stays the same.

It's not "advice" in that there is no recommendation that an individual woman should eat 4/5 the calories of a man. People are only advised to be within a certain BMI range. The number of calories they need to consume will vary and there will certainly be overlap between the sexes depending on individuals height, and exercise levels.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 07/05/2017 18:27

It's controlling behaviour.

I always stick all breakfast meat and eggs on a large platter in the middle of the kitchen table, unless we have a full house in which case I do full buffet in the dining room. It is inappropriate to plate up if you are giving people different sized portions.

Yes, OP was rude to act as she did, but arguably in the company of her MIL who has just behaved like an arsehole, not unwarranted.

NotYoda · 07/05/2017 18:29

When you go to a restaurant, they don't serve up different portion sizes for men and women, do they?

That's because they are hospitable

NotYoda · 07/05/2017 18:30

I have two teenage boys and a DH

I eat the largest portions and I do not put on weight

Frillyhorseyknickers · 07/05/2017 18:31

When you go to a restaurant, they don't serve up different portion sizes for men and women, do they?

No, they don't. But there are people (of which, I am not one) who would judge a woman for clearing her plate.

justgivemeamo · 07/05/2017 18:32

I dont think op was rude and I think her DH who was aware of this issue should have already offered her half his food - if he hadnt already asked on her behalf for more food.

MrsHathaway · 07/05/2017 18:33

I'm the 2/3 poster.

2/3 was the ratio given me by the experts between a small ish idle woman and a massive large reasonably athletic man. Unless there's a huge disparity in activity (eg she watches TV all day and he is a scaffolder) or a huge disparity in size * (eg Kylie Minogue and the Hulk) then the difference in calories required is going to be much less than that. Giving a man double the woman's portion based on nothing but penis ownership is ludicrous.

  • honestly I wish I could share a photo but the most illustrative also has DC in and is at a very particular venue so I'd be more hopelessly outed than I already am.
AnaViaSalamanca · 07/05/2017 18:34

I am shocked at so many people citing men needing more calories per day. This is beside the point. This is not PER MEAL, but recommended daily guidelines at best, maybe OP decides to not have dinner. Maybe she wants to cycle her calories, maybe she is on 2-5 diet, maybe she is just hungry.whose business it is but hers?

This is exactly what is wrong with this fallacy. Her body, her choice, what does her food intake have to be controlled by someone else? Why is her worth so tied to her weight and her agency under question?

Increasinglymiddleaged · 07/05/2017 18:36

The general advice is that women need about 4/5 the calories of men. So not a very huge difference, but a difference. In most cases, if a woman eats the same as her (male) DP day in and day out, she will put on weight even if he stays the same.

Statistically though more men than women are overweight. I eat very the same as DH more or less, neither us are overweight he does more exercise.

The portions that MIL served up for the men before they went out for lunch though were truly Confused. It wasn't half a rasher of bacon it was a medallion. The men's is the type of breakfast portion that is only ever suitable before a days hiking with no lunch, regardless of if you are male or female. I can't imagine eating a cooked breakfast at all before going out for lunch personally unless lunch was particularly late.

MrsHathaway · 07/05/2017 18:37

Oh and I think the confusion came when someone quoted me as saying I work on a 2:3 ratio without (1) bolding the quotation or otherwise flagging it as a quotation or (2) clarifying that that's what I do for our meals at home, rather than how one ought to serve up to guests. I tend to serve all adults the same (or arrange for everyone to help themselves) on the assumption that anyone not full will take seconds when offered.

rookiemere · 07/05/2017 18:39

I think people are mentioning the difference in calories because it is a fact that generally men need more calories than women. That doesn't excuse MIL giving OP ( and herself and SIL ) an inadequate breakfast however.

How would people and the OP have reacted if the men got served what they did and say the women were served two sausages, one egg, one slice of bacon and the beans and black pudding? Still less than the men but a more than adequate breakfast by most peoples standards.

Cantstopeatingchocolate · 07/05/2017 18:39

I only eat fried breakfast when in a hotel (v. Rarely) and at my mums. Normally it'll be sausage or bacon in a roll tho. AND she would ask what I wanted.........then I would say I was more than capable of cooking my own and do that myself.
The MIL was rude to assume what someone wants to eat and v rude to comment on OPs weight.

rookiemere · 07/05/2017 18:43

Actually thinking about it, one of the weirdest things is the assumption that wimmin don't eat beans or black pudding.

Personally I'd have been delighted as I hate both of those things, but taking those out of the breakfast and getting the women to fill up on pure carbs through toast wouldn't even have the presumably desired effect of keeping the women thinner as they'd have less protein and more likely to have blood sugar spike later in the day due to the carbs.

ragged · 07/05/2017 18:51

Long thread I am guilty of not trying to read it all

Items (calories)
1 small sausage (250, I assume fried item)
1 half piece of bacon (I assume friend, 150)
1 egg (100, I assume fried)
and a small slice of dry toast. (100, I assume no butter available).

600 kcal for a meal is pretty spot on, tbh, for what most women would want to aim for. I agree it's a story of terrible hosting, though. We ask our guests if what we have served up is about right before it reaches table.

CherryMintVanilla · 07/05/2017 18:51

I can't bear women (and men) but it's usually the women with the serving spoons in these scenarios who think men need 'manly' portions, while the women must eat like dainty little birds. Yes, men tend to eat more calories but the polite thing to do is dish up the same amounts for everyone, with dishes on the side if anyone wants more.

yellowbroccoli · 07/05/2017 18:54

I admire your front op Grin I would of silently been pissed off and moaned to DH after about it but I'm a wimp Confused

ThouShallNotPass · 07/05/2017 18:56

MIL was definitely rude as fuck. What a ridiculous tiny fry-up! To me, a fry-up is an occasional event (I don't know many people who have one more often than once a week) so it's something to be enjoyed!
My DC (aged 10, 7 and 5) would get two sausages (or one if they're big) two full rashers, an egg, beans, haggis, a tattie scone, a half grilled tomato and half a fried bread! And they would eat most of that too.

If I was handed a plate with one sausage, half a bacon and an egg I would tell MIL, "Oops MIL, DS already has his plate. Have you got an adult's one there for me?"

Your husband is a bloody wet lettuce and seeing that you had told him that you would be equalling your portions if MIL pulled that shit again then you did good! Maybe next time HE will say something to HIS mother!

Iamastonished · 07/05/2017 18:56

Whenever I am cooking for other people I either ask how much they want on their plate if I am serving it in the kitchen or I put it in serving dishes in the middle of the table for people to help themselves. My sister is a size 24 and diabetic, but I do not presume to dictate what she should eat. I ask for guidance and cook accordingly.

BaDumShh · 07/05/2017 19:11

The only situation in which it would have been acceptable for the MIL in the OP to serve the men more than double what she served the women would be if the men were going off to do a full day's worth of manual labour, whilst the women sat at home quietly sewing. As we don't live in a Jane Austen novel, I'm guessing this was not the case and that both the men and women in attendance would be undertaking roughly the same activity levels over the course of the day.

And for those of you saying "well what she was given was a decent portion!" Yes, it would have been if that were an everyday breakfast. But for most people, a full English is a rare treat to be enjoyed. Most people do not pack away a 2000kcal fry up on a daily basis, so why not fucking enjoy it on the rare occasion it happens rather than allow yourself to be policed Hmm

NavyandWhite · 07/05/2017 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/05/2017 19:17

What the fuck is this half a piece of bacon nonsense.

What kind of dh sits there with piles of food while the cat gets more than his wife does.

Penis portions can piss right off if it means there's not enough for those who have a vagina to actually eat something.

Your MIL was rude as fuck. And well done you for evening it up from your "d"h's plate. I'm sure his penis will survive this once.

GrandmaGotRunOverByAReindeer · 07/05/2017 19:17

I'm a size 6 and eat more than that😒
But I used to be a 24 and my grandad was the same about my food when we were eating with him

justgivemeamo · 07/05/2017 19:17

But what you have enjoyed is not relevant - there is no getting away from the sheer rudeness to serve different portions here. I just don't know how you can defend that - based on what you like.

Your saying its OK for any host to look at you individually and serve you what they fancy at that time, " oh navy looks fat, lets give her a carrot stick" ...with your reasoning., Its about good hosting

NavyandWhite · 07/05/2017 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 19:20

Yes Navy. You've said that.

Repeatedly.

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