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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2017 18:05

I agree ADisappearing - it's served DH and I well over the years. And sometimes we find ourselves doing things that I am convinced will be the subject of future MN threads when we are the PIL being slated, even though we think it's quite normal

Sproglet - oh yes, flexible working, no one needs their own desk, there's enough ebb and flow to get rid of a third of the desks...except on the days when there isn't and you waste half a day trekking around the building looking for somewhere to sit...

Roomster101 · 07/05/2017 18:05

Blimey, of course there are lots of variations and differences between individual men and women and their individual dietary needs!

If you acknowledge that there is variation why on earth would anyone make a judgement that their female guest will need roughly two-thirds what their male guests need? I am quite a similar size to DH and whilst he does have more muscle and consequently uses more calories per day that doesn't mean he needs more per meal. We often eat very similar amounts at meal times and I would be pretty annoyed if I was given two-thirds less because some other women need less than their DHs. It's not for a host to make a judgement.

NavyandWhite · 07/05/2017 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmpressoftheMundane · 07/05/2017 18:09

Half a rasher of bacon, does not sounds like a "normal sized" breakfast.

MonkeyBusinessxoxo · 07/05/2017 18:10

YANBU!!! She doesn't have the right to say that's a good breakfast size if she then gives your DH double plus extra. I can't help but see the word SEXIST flashing in big lights here... I'd be outraged and leave.

MonkeyBusinessxoxo · 07/05/2017 18:11

Wombletor · 07/05/2017 18:11

You handled it well OP. Good for you. Don't leave in a huff, finish the day then discuss with your DH when you get home.

NavyandWhite · 07/05/2017 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trb17 · 07/05/2017 18:13

Seriously, who even cuts a rasher of bacon in half?!

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2017 18:14

I never said that a woman only needs 2/3 the amount of a man - that was another poster who had received some specific dietary advice about the amount she should eat compared to her husband.

The general advice is that women need about 4/5 the calories of men. So not a very huge difference, but a difference. In most cases, if a woman eats the same as her (male) DP day in and day out, she will put on weight even if he stays the same.

Funnyface1 · 07/05/2017 18:14

I suppose it's just not very fair to assume how much food you'd like. Or that you'd definitely like a lot less than dh. It sounds like she was driven by her own feelings about your weight rather than how you feel about yourself and what your appetite is like.

I think you were fair to even up the portions. If she was humiliated then it's only because she knows she was in the wrong.

If it were me I would stay on for dinner and eat as much as I'd like. I have a large appetite and that cooked breakfast wouldn't have done it for me either.

justgivemeamo · 07/05/2017 18:14

Navy, thats hilarious comment. ^^ The whole point of the thread is serving different sizes, some people, you for instance may have welcomed Mils portions...however OP didn't, and has had issues with it in the past. So whether, you, or every poster on MN or every person in the world thought mils serving was ideal, op didnt, and she is the guest.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/05/2017 18:15

Half a rasher is not a normal sized portion and the reason there wasnt any left was because she over fed the male diners.

If you add up the amount of food on the table then divide it by 6 then there was plenty for everyone. But what happened is the men got stupidly large portions and the women got stupidly small portions.

Go on Navy, tell me how the mens portions were ok and explain why the dividing up of food was acceptable.

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2017 18:16

And again for clarity, I think the MiL behaved very rudely with how she served up the food - and cutting up rashers of bacon is bonkers. My point about women not needing the same amount of food as men is in answer to everyone scoffing at "penis portions"

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2017 18:17

And I'm also jealous of even half a rasher of proper bacon... We haven't lived in the UK for over two years, and a proper fry up with real bacon, decent sausages, proper Heinz beans and ideally a slice of black pudding is one of the things I miss most about home!

RB68 · 07/05/2017 18:18

People just need to put all food in a server in the middle for help yourselves or just bloody ask how much would you like before cooking

TooTiredAgain · 07/05/2017 18:19

My MIL is similar. It's about her wanting you to know that her way is right and she can influence and bully you into doing/being what she thinks you should.

She wanted you to know that she thinks you are too big and should do something about it. She did not care about offending you. Now she knows that you recieved the message loud and clear and were offended. In her head she probably think's she's 'won'.

I bet your DH never criticises or disagrees with her and does whatever she wnats to keep the peace. He could have a word with her and say "I didn't like how you humiliated my wife by serving a tiny portion, and then basically called her fat, which is rude". He needs to start the comment with "I", not "My wife is upset about....".

However, the best thing you could do is to take away her power. Pretend you don't care. Look her straight in the eye when she is rude with a cheeky expression. Sit out the awkwardness. Try to make it into a joke and say "I love the way I look" cheerfully.

She will eventually give up, because this is not the response she is looking for.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/05/2017 18:20

Olennas the idea of penis portions is not that a man would need an extra potato or extra slice of toast but that men are served gigantic portions and the women a fraction of that amount. Thats not allowing for differing dietary requirements, its blatant sexism. Men may need slightly more per day, but it really is only slightly more. A huge plateful is no more healthy for him than a plate with a tiny amount is for a woman.

NavyandWhite · 07/05/2017 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sylvannas · 07/05/2017 18:20

If the MIL was trying to divvy up the portions based on men needing more calories it still doesn't make sense.

I always dish up DH more than me but not massively.

Men are supposed to need an extra 500 calories a day. Split between 3 meals that's about 160 calories. 2 sausages 1 Bacon beans and black pudding are waaaaaay more than that.

It doesn't sound like she's singling you out though if she's given all the women a similar portion. Sounds like she's just old fashioned. It probably was a bit rude to just help yourself from hubby's plate. Unless he'd finished and didn't want the rest.

The comment about your weight was way out of line though. I'd be pissed off at that and be having one hell of a word with MIL about that!

MIL is missing out though. Who doesn't eat the fat on the bacon? Especially when it's all crispy! Mmmm crispy bacon!!!

Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 07/05/2017 18:20

I still agree that MIL, as hostess, was rude. But I still can't get my head around these words of the OP, which everyone's ignoring, but these are her own words: " I'm in the obese range. I tend to ignore her. Dysfunctional eating and food attitudes seem very common in her generation." So the O P says herself that she is obese, but she thinks the older woman is the one with the dysfunctional eating habits?

RedDogsBeg · 07/05/2017 18:21

Navy if OP's breakfast was normal what was her dh's? The debate is surely not whether the breakfast was normal but the huge disparity in what she was served as opposed to her husband. If the MIL considered what she served to OP as a decent breakfast surely it would have been an equally decent portion to serve everyone, the men got two extra items plus more of the items the OP had.

justgivemeamo · 07/05/2017 18:21

In our house we always gave guests first dibs, made sure they were fed, my DP most cringey thing was not having enough food to serve guests. If people dropped in unexpectedly which they were wont to do - we were told to hang back and make sure all guests had had enough first.

I think ops Mil just lacks a) hosting skills, manners etc and b) genuinely feels op is over weight and resents that and wanted to make a PA dig at her.

What anyone feels about portion sizes etc is totally irrelevant.

rookiemere · 07/05/2017 18:23

I wouldn't imagine the MIL is mortified at all and I wouldn't bet on the OP getting bigger portions if there is a next time.

Personally I would tried to have positioned it as a lightheaded
thing, some joke about DH getting 3 sausages and a remark about black pudding being your favourite breakfast item. Or getting DH to swap plates is a good one, though I can't see anyone regardless of gender needing a breakfast that large unless they were planning a day of hill walking.

i remember visiting my aunt who was skinny and one day for lunch when it was just the two of us she served up half a pear with a scoop of cottage cheese for lunch twas very weird. Then if we were ever out and she had dessert she'd talk about how naughty it was like she was six. All very t dious.

justgivemeamo · 07/05/2017 18:25

didyou I have not ignored ops comments its just that op may think that but op has not actually acted on those thoughts like Mil has. So no one is offended or harmed. Mil has acted on her feelings and op is upset.

My Mil also likes to control food even when at our house, she controls the no of sausages, you cant eat what you like you cant relax basically.

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