To have 'humiliated' my MIL

[ImALurkerNotAFighter]

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

A man who roughly the same size (height and build) as the woman sat next to him will still need about 20% more calories than her, because of the differences between men and women

That is rubbish. The man might need more calories if he does more exercise and is more muscular but that is not a given and there is certainly not rule that 20% more calories are required. Even if it was true it is not for hosts to police their guest's calorie intake..

It's utterly ridiculous to think that men need more food than women, as standard. Every body is different and requires different levels of food. I walk on average 5 miles a day and weightlift 4 times a week. My DP drives to and from work, doesn't go to the gym and lifts nothing heavier than the TV remote. I serve equal portions when I cook for the 2 of us, and it's often him who can't finish his food and me licking my plate clean.

I would be absolutely raging if someone served him a significantly larger portion than me!

Didyoumeantobesorude1, we know nothing about the OP's views on her own health and weight. This was one meal on a Sunday morning when the extended family was having a rare get together. It's not the way most people eat every day. Accordingly, normal rules would be off - in my family, anyway. She may well be concerned about trying to lose some weight but a weekend away is not necessarily the best time to be focussing on that. Treats are great and make the humdrum routine bearable, if they really are treats and not everyday occurrences.

When MIL doesn't give the extra sausage is it love and approval she is withholding?

Sorry I know it's a very serious subject but

When MIL Won't Give You The Sausage - Negotiating In-Law Relationships

a must-read for all Sunday breakfast visits.

OCSock If I plate food, I do so on the basis that an adult female is approx 2/3 the size of an adult male, and do portions accordingly.

Or you could actually ask them how much they want instead acting as the portion police. I'd ask if you were the MiL were it not for the fact that the MiL gives the women more like 1/5 of the penis portion.

OCSock If I plate food, I do so on the basis that an adult female is approx 2/3 the size of an adult male, and do portions accordingly.

So you think that all women are exactly the same size and all men are exactly two thirds bigger? Or perhaps you just feel that is how things should be and therefore any guests at your house are fed accordingly to "help" them be the right size?

*So a lot of the MiLs are in their 60s and 70s or older and do the mean portion thing yet all of you younger DIL think this is wrong.

How is it not generational?*

Oh great, ageism to add to misogyny.

Since we seem to be working on anecdotes - DM (in her 80s) and both my DGMs have always offered the same to all comers, asking how much they wanted. None of them had money to throw around, quite the opposite but they did have manners.

MiL (would be in her 80s) had dysfunctional relationship with food and did penis portions.

I can remember DH and PiL having their plates piled with stew and chips, I was offered a small pot of cottage cheese.
I'm 1.75m and at that time was size 10 and physically extremely active. She continued to try and control food even when I was underweight due to illness and when BF.

Its nothing to do with age. Its misogyny and the consequential dysfunctional relationship with food which develops in some women.

Blimey, of course there are lots of variations and differences between individual men and women and their individual dietary needs!

My point - which obviously hasn't been made clearly enough - is that men as a whole need more calories than women as a whole, both when men are bigger than women (which as a whole they tend to be) but also when they are roughly the same size as a woman because male and female bodies have a very different composition. Men are not just women with no boobs and a penis stuck on.

Wow so many body shaming and bacon controlling behaviour especially on what was supposed to be a "fun" family event. People can decide themselves how much they want to eat - especially for a treat meal like a cooked Sunday breakfast without being subjected to somebody's arbitrary 2/3 or ½ portion rule. Just giving ½ a piece of bacon an no beans or black pudding to women is seriously rude hosting unless they have indicated they would like a very small portion.

OP - next time - if indeed there is a next time - I would pre-warn your DH that you will be swapping plates at mealtimes. Perhaps he will find the guts to say something when he is the one getting ½ a bacon rasher and no beans!

What she did was nasty. It's your right to decide your portion and I say that as a size 6 midget. When I cook for more people I always ask how many eggs, sausages etc they want. No female/male portions here. It's not like the men will spend the day ploughing or chopping wood.

itsmine, perhaps in spite of quoting it you missed the part where I said that was an attitude that some people seem to have. I know that science currently says that being overweight is a risk factor for all sorts of conditions. I expect everybody on this thread knows that. What I'm saying is that there are many people who are not primarily focussed on the health risks of being overweight. They are instead convinced that women have a duty to be thin because that is the current socially acceptable look for an attractive woman. They subsist on a spoonful of cottage cheese and a lettuce leaf and look down their noses at women who eat more. There are anecdotes on this thread about women who saw other women with muscular bodies from taking lots of exercise and instead of seeing them as healthy they focussed entirely on their dress size. This is not healthy.

Re the OP eating too much or crap....

I am 16/18. I dont eat too much or eat crap (often...) which is why I have been the same size for 5 years. If I over ate then I would be putting weight on and be bigger. I became overweight due to illness. To lose that weight I would need to diet and at the moment I dont want to. I eat significantly less than many people, but it maintains my weight. If I was put in a magic weight loss machine and taken down to a size 10 then I would stay a size 10. So no, the OP doesnt necessarily eat too much at all.

A man who roughly the same size (height and build) as the woman sat next to him will still need about 20% more calories than her, because of the differences between men and women.

Well, not quite. Someone's energy needs basically depend on:
-weight
-build (i.e. relationship between height and weight)
-body composition
-activity levels

(IIRC there is also significant inter-individual variation even when all these factors are taken into account - something like 10% - which goes some way to explaining all the "It's not fair that my friend can eat what she likes..." kvetching that goes on).

There is no separate metabolic factor conferred merely by X- or Y- chromosomes.

Given that the additional guideline reqts are only 25% for men taking into account all these factors (men are on average more active etc), 4/5 of that difference being down just to greater muscle proportion seems pretty unlikely.

At any rate, given the huge variation and overlap, confidently assigning #a# man's portion and #a# woman's one, reminds me of the rationalisers who visited my old office a couple of times, determined average desk occupancy to be 65%, and on that basis 1/3 of the desks could be removed

Well, obviously they are. Nobody can be a MIL until their offspring have reached the age of at least 16, so not very likely that MILs are young women, is it?

Well of course they are older, because otherwise they wouldnt be a MOTHER in law.

However to suggest that an entire generation behaves like this is ageist. It is judging an entire group of people based on the behaviour or one or two examples. You know, like some people think that all muslims are racist.

of not or

Thanks all, and yes, I was also quite touched when I was researching and reading the stories of those days in the tenements, there was even pics which is lovely. They never mentioned that they did it, just that it was hard and they started in the gorbals, they were Italian immigrants, But it was always how they lived. Anyways, Such a a contrast to deciding someone is only allowed one sausage. 😔

I'm kind of missing the point of the thread here but the bacon thing - you can buy "medallions" of bacon which are basically the round lean part, no fat and no fatty tail end bit. I like them as I hate meat fat Maybe the MIL buys this too?

Re the actual point I tend to think pick your battles. (For context, I am actually NC with some of my inlaws but this is due to serious reasons, not amount of food served at gatherings). I just think, in our families and especially with in laws, there will sometimes be behaviour displayed which to us seems bizarre, thoughtless and possibly even a bit rude, but is their "normal". I sometimes think people actively have to make an effort for the sake of familial relationships and this situation would come under the heading of Internal Eye Roll But Not Worth Me Being Rude Myself. I would probably moan to DH afterwards and we would have a giggle over it (Although DH would have offered me some of his food in the first place).

Things like smoking around your DC, not using a car seat etc, these are worthy of standing your ground and being firm and risking offending people. Being given less food than your DH by someone hosting you who has cooked the food, who has also just babysat for you and allowed to go out - not really worth offending people for, IMHO.

I just tend to think we are all happier when we can just rub along together without needless dramas and sometimes you just have to let stuff go. Especially the In law relationship which can be testing for all sorts of reasons, I think it's better to keep your powder dry for the big important stuff

It doesn't matter what other people 'would eat'or consider 'normal'. It doesn't matter whether the op is as big as a house or is built like a rake. It doesn't matter whether men need more calories than women. What matters is that on this occasion, the OP was served a meal she considered too small and was refused more along with a side portion of snide comment about her size. I am overweight. I will not eat or drink in front of some people, including MIL, because I know that are judging every mouthful I take. It's not their business.
OP, your MIL has shown herself to be a very poor hostess and your dh hasn't exactly covered himself in glory either.

Yanbu.

But having said that, I thought your original portion sounded a lot, and the menfolks portion sounded quite obscene. I would not have managed any more than what you had.

If your MIL is not overweight she may simply not realize that you need/want more food. I am sure she wont make the same mistake in future. Now she knows that you need a lot more than she thought. I bet she feels mortified to have "underfed" you.

How bloody rude. She should make the elements of the breakfast ( if she wishes ) and allow guests to select what they wish to eat.

She has no right to comment on your size.

My very elderly mother loves to get a dig in about my size. Nasty

Oh come on now, of course it's about having a penis

Maybe OP should get a replica dick and stick it out of the front of her trousers. When the ghastly MiL asks wtf it is, explain it's so she gets the same size meal as the men.

YANBU, OP, your MiL is rude and sexist. I'd have some sport with it though, like make a load of sarnies to take with you and get them out after lunch/breakfast. You could even offer them around, asking "Anyone else not had enough to eat?".

I'd be mortified if anyone ever left my breakfast table still hungry. Standard cooked breakfast round here is 3-4 rashers, a sausage or two, mushrooms, beans, grilled tomatoes, as many eggs as anyone wants, and endless toast. If there's leftover veg from the night before, you get bubble as well.