Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' Angry This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 07/05/2017 16:54

Men do need more calories than women but when I'm hosting I don't feel it's my job to put people on diets. I usually give myself less than my husband as he needs more calorie. We're both slim and exercise a lot, him more than me. I've cut back his portions recently as he won't leave extra food and was putting on weight which he didn't want to do. Cooked breakfast for guests people get asked what they want. This MIL didn't just give the men 1 or 2 more sausages, they got loads more. The no beans and black pudding would have upset me.

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 16:55

My Mum is 78, My Grandmothers would be in their 100s (if they were still alive now). They're not alive now, but they NEVER did portion control. And they did have to deal with rationing during the war years. I always thought they were generous with their portions because of that, simply because they didn't have to worry about it any longer. So the silly excuses of generational/war ration/that was how it was in those days/it's just an accepted thing . . . . NO, it's not!

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2017 16:55

A man who roughly the same size (height and build) as the woman sat next to him will still need about 20% more calories than her, because of the differences between men and women. It's not sexist to point this out.

I don't disagree that the MiL is being weird in cutting up slices of bacon but overfilling the men's plates, and it's not her place to unbidden help the OP lose weight. And of course it's bad hosting. But it's also not completely misogynist to put less food on a woman's plate. It's misogynistic to put the best food on a man's plate (giving him the breast meat off a roast chicken, and a bony wing to her, for example), but that's not what happened in the OP

Anyway, I feel sorry for BiL and SiL who have got caught in the middle of all of this

EweAreHere · 07/05/2017 16:57

MIL was rude, judgmental and stingy.

OP had warned her DH that if she was served enough food, and there wasn't any more, then she would be having some of his. So she did. This was not unreasonable ... and DH just sitting there like a cabbage (as others have said, I agree with the term) was also unreasonable. He should have offered up his plate immediately, not sat there in cowardly silence as his mother once again tried to control what his DW was eating.

I would have left, too, OP. Your MIL sounds like a misery to be around. Don't think much of your DH either.

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 16:58

A man who roughly the same size (height and build) as the woman sat next to him will still need about 20% more calories than her, because of the differences between men and women

Oh. Will that extra 20% be heading for his penis, then? To make sure it works efficiently?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/05/2017 16:59

Oc Two thirds is ridiculous. The poster who said that she was told her calorie requirements were 2/3 of her husband's is 5ft 3 (ie shorter than average) with a husband who is 6 ft 8 (ie fucking massive). There is a 17 inch height difference between them.

On the other hand there is height difference of just under 4 inches between me and Dh. I am also probably slightly more active than him. (Although we both do a lot of exercise.) From nearly 20 years together and both of us always being a healthy weight I would say that it translates to him needing roughly 10% more food than me. Except when I am pregnant or breastfeeding - then I need about 10% more than him. Generally we aim to do two fairly equal portions and then give the one that turns out larger to him.

NavyandWhite · 07/05/2017 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 07/05/2017 17:01

I disagree that you shouldn't tell MIL her penis portions are unreasonable because you're a guest. This isn't a 1 off visit to someone you won't see again. This is someone who wants you to visit regularly. In that case making clear that you'd like the options of the same size portion as your husband and that you don't feel it's her responsibility to put you on a diet will stop the OP resenting meal times on future visits.
If you visit people regularly then both parties should be honest to minimise future resentment.

justgivemeamo · 07/05/2017 17:01

I wouldn't visit if possible and if I had to, would smuggle food in

I wouldn't even smuggle it in, I would blatantly take my own in and cook it without discussion.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 17:01

My grandparents and mum and aunts used to do it. The men of the family need more food than children or females because the men are working men and larger than females

I would assume then my grandmothers never did it as they were both working women and both very tall, neither fat, but both five ten and above. Their husbands were not necessarily larger as such snd they both worked physically demanding jobs with their husbands in the family businesses and had kids. Portion sizes were never doled out on gender or some scientific basis. I'm not sure who could be arsed with that to be honest. Both my grandmothers would be well over a hundred years old now if alive today.

In fact there is some blogs on the internet about my grand parents and great grand parents that I found when researching my family tree and How when they moved into the tenements in Glasgow they apparantly used to make big bowls of steaming pasta and take it round with a smile on their face and always polite and feed the children and families who couldn't afford to eat properly and how appreciated it was. Posted by some families who lived through that very very hard time. As they had more they shared it with their neighbours. So for me, I was brought up with giving food, not withholding or controlling it and possibly why I find it odd to do so.

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2017 17:02

No, Evans, to his greater muscle mass Hmm

Why do you think that men are stronger than women? Clue - it's not their penis

justgivemeamo · 07/05/2017 17:02

I have never ever heard of this and mY dm was war generation , she served everyone the same.

Would never ever occur to her to serve women smaller portions.

I think Mil is making PA dig about weight.

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 17:03

Oh Bluntness what a beautiful family you come from Thanks

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 17:07

Why do you think that men are stronger than women

Not all men are stronger than all women. My own daughter used to beat all the boys at school in arm-wrestling competitions. She can do more chin-ups on the chin-up bar than most of DS's (male) friends, who are all in their early 20s. And she's about 5'1" and a size 8. She eats LOADS

That's a pretty sweeping statement on men v women strength ratios.

2rebecca · 07/05/2017 17:08

I think the husband was largely at fault here because he knew what would happen if his mum did penis portions again and he chose not to tell his mum that you both thought her skewed portions were sexist and could she give you the same on future visits. This would have been the sensible thing to do.
If my husband wasn't happy with something my dad did and I wanted to avoid an unnecessary scene I'd just ask my dad to change the thing.

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 17:09

What a lovely story, Bluntness. Such a sweet family. Flowers

Moussemoose · 07/05/2017 17:10

Bluntness100 perhaps that willingness to share is the issue. I love to feed people I love. I love to make food they enjoy, I want them to be happy.
When MIL doesn't give the extra sausage is it love and approval she is withholding?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 07/05/2017 17:13

Bluntness, that's lovely.

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 17:14

Interesting slant Mousse....... it was certainly like that with my mil

Probably why she hates me now because dh pulled her up on it

Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 07/05/2017 17:17

The MIL should not be policing what other people eat. However her portions for the men were ridiculously huge and if they ate that for breakfast every day - presumably they don't! - they would soon become dangerously obese.
Now, the O P has described herself, in her own words, on this thread, as obese. I agree that the MIL was rude, but what I cannot understand is the OP's apparent lack of concern about her own health. Just saying that she is obese and then taking half of her husband's food? Doesn't she care that she's increasing her risk of heart disease and cancer? And doesn't she care about the potential impact of that on her children?

Janey50 · 07/05/2017 17:20

You humiliated HER? More like she humiliated YOU IMO.

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2017 17:20

Evans - yes, it's a sweeping statement but it's one that happens to be true. It doesn't, of course, mean that every woman is weaker than every man, but as a group men outperform women in pretty much every test of physical strength.

Bluntness - lovely story

justgivemeamo · 07/05/2017 17:20

He has never had your back over this, just sitting there in a spineless puddle and letting you take the flack

Made me laugh, the spineless puddle Grin

Women can stand up for themselves

Oh goodness YES of course, but when its ones own family surely its easier and your job to help your partner /dh etc to deal with them.

If my family had done this to DH and had form for this sort of thing, i wouldn't allow it - would be straight on it etc..." sorry mum but you have not served DH much there, have you run out of food? If not can he have some more, if not - I can share mine" easy.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 07/05/2017 17:22

Attitudes to food are fascinating. In my family, everybody loves eating and we feel like Moussemoose about cooking and food.

In my husband's family food was really more like fuel because my MIL (long dead now) was not much of a cook and didn't enjoy cooking at all. It was rare to want a generous portion of her cooking, sadly.

It's clear from reading many threads like this that there's another common attitude: food is dangerous because it makes you fat, and being fat is abhorrent, especially for women. In this world view, women have an obligation to be thin because it's more attractive than being fat. It's got very little to do with health and a lot more to do with fulfilling . I find this desperately sad. It's often extremely counter-productive too, because the mean-minded, obsessive personalities who buy into this crap often look far less attractive than someone happy with a more ample girth and a relaxed approach to food.

danigrace · 07/05/2017 17:23

YANBU imo. That would pee me right off. I'd have done the same. You ask your guest how much they want, not just assume they should be on small or large portions. I also think your DH should back you up and politely defend you, not sit there quietly.