To think she lied about having cancer

[burgerandfries]

Friend of a friend apparently diagnosed with cervical cancer 2 months ago. Underwent a few sessions of chemo over a few weeks and is now completely cured.

She still has all her hair and has seemingly been well all this time (see her on school run almost every day)

I've never directly known anyone suffering from cancer so I don't know if this is normal or not but it seems a bit to me. She is known for lying exaggerating quite often and relishes in attention.

Sorry if I'm being totally naive here but AIBU to think she made the whole thing up?

I think there's a reasonable way to ask this question.
"X says she has cancer. Y thinks X may be exaggerating/lying because of facts a b c. I personally have no idea whether Y has a point or is talking crap - can anyone wth experience explain?" is a perfectly reasonable question to ask on MN - people fabricating cancer does occasionally happen so Y might be quite right or cancer myths might be at play which MN knowledge could helpfully dispel to the benefit of all concerned.

But the OP's tone let her down in this case.

Thank you SemiNormal.
It was very frightening as a single parent to think I might not be around for my children and it was also very isolating to have to face contempt for it.
I also have the highest regard for the NHS - the treatment and support I had from them was fantastic.

Lying about cancer does happen, my friend's partner did this. However my DH went through surgeries, radiotherapy and chemo, always kept his hair, and generally looked really well. He was actively involved in looking after our two young children, and was able to work much of the time. He died a few months after completing chemo.

In this sort of situation, I don't know why you would suspect it was a lie, I don't see why it would even occur to you, unless you have specific evidence (which my friend eventually did).

snapcrap I understand your upset about this but unfortunately it is your type of (understandable) reaction that makes cancer such a target for attention seeking trolls.

Its such a taboo to even think that someone might be making it up.
I know of several people who have done it. I know of people who have lied about their children having it.

Its not that difficult to do. Most people are so terrified of cancer they can't even bear to think about it so they accept even really dodgy stories.

I don't think that there is anything in the OP to suggest the friend of a friend is making this up.
But people do. They lie and they exaggerate. They turn 'scares' (sometimes the scare is 'I could get cancer' rather than a lump or abnormality) into the real thing. They get attention when they are worried and its hard to let it go when they get the all clear.

I don't think deleting this thread is particularly useful.
The OP has been educated and so will other people.

"This thread is really fucking sad.

OP I wish I wasn't even the same species as you"

Bloody hell 😂

YNK there is no - Psychology. I have no idea why your friends act as they do

I know two people who have lied about having cancer. One of them
Also lied about a stillbirth.

I don't think it is as unusual as people think. It is horrific though.

Wow -just fucking wow

I had cervical cancer i was so very lucky because i was in the position of having to have abnormal cells removed. They biposied it and i was told there was a small amount of cancer in situ and i was recalled to have more of my cervix removed.

Looking back i took it all in my stride but it was a horrible time, fraught with worry and fear. I was so lucky that the next lot of cells werr all clear and that was thanks to NHS treatment.

I tell people i had cervical cancer all the time because technically i did and 20 years later im fit and well after a one off treatment, 6 monthly checks and yearly smears for a further ten years. I tell them this when i hear people not having smears and i am trying to a) say look this does happen it is unfortunately very common b) it is treatable, caught early it is treatable with relatively simple , albeit uncomfortable treatments. I was told if i had been six months later i would have faced hysterectomy and radiotherapy and a questionable prognosus so yes, damned straight i tell people

HAVE YOUR SMEAR TESTS!!

Theoriginal - YES! This is exactly why it's important for people like us to be heard!

I was also told how lucky I was to have this caught in the very early stage. The consultant was very frank before surgery that I might need further treatment and that this was indeed cancer and had to be taken to a much more invasive level than the abnormal cells.
However - the surgery itself was a huge success and it's very encouraging that people should know there is hope in keeping up their smears and any treatment for abnormal cells.
If I hadn't bothered I would be dead.

I'm sure there are people who lie about having cancer just as there are people who make false claims about many other things. However I think reaching the conclusion that lying is commonplace is something I only see in cases of cervical cancer and rape. The default position of people hearing about 'robbery' for example isn't usually that the victim is lying!
It does make me wonder about the motive for this.

reaching the conclusion that lying is commonplace is something I only see in cases of cervical cancer and rape

I have been trying to remain balanced on this thread but what the actual fuck are you accusing people of?

I am a rape denier because I admit that people lie about cancer?
Are you fucking kidding me?

No one but you has mentioned rape on this thread and no one has said that lying about having cancer is more common in people pretending to have cervical cancer.

Do you imagine you are the only one whose life has been touched by cancer?
My daughter died from it. That doesn't make me blind to the fact that people LIE about their children having cancer. They have done it on MN.
I am as sick of people lying about being ill as I am about people showing no empathy for people who are genuinely ill.

One does not cancel the other out.

Pretending that people don't do it is stupid and its why so many get away with upsetting and manipulating others.

I don't think the OP's friend of a friend has upset anybody, however, regardless of whether or not she is telling the truth - she appears, instead, to have created a storm of disbelief because she appears so well on it and isn't trying to hide her apparent good health. Wouldn't a liar try a bit harder to look ill for the crowds?

YABU to ask on AIBU in this way. Of course, sadly, some people do lie. However it's not your place to question someone like this when it doesn't seem obvious that she is lying. If someone says they have bone cancer and need both legs amputating yet you see them running a marathon a week after they claim they had surgery, the yeah, sure consider a judgement. In this case, you're being grossly unfair.

To be fair a woman I worked with lied about having cancer AND about her child being ill with a heart condition. It definitely happens

What has upset you about what I said MrsD?

I'm baffled by the motivation of people who's default is to believe people are lying about something serious that has happened.
I gave other examples of another situation where I see this, and yet another where I don't.
I'm trying to work out for myself why there is this difference.

I've had time to think about this, even if you would stoop as low as lying about cancer, you have to question the mental health of such a person, so either way they're ill.

This thread has taught me a lot, that people expect certain stereotypes, when they don't happen, they don't look for a logical cause, it's so much easier to say, oh they must be lying.

Where many men with prostate cancer don't lose their hair, since they are treated with GNRH drugs. A relative had myeloma, they were treated with chemo in tablet form, even on their deathbed they had most of their hair, despite them looking like a different person.

I do know of the one woman who lied, she got caught out as in the January it was one type on cancer, by May another local woman had been in the press with this other cancer and there was a big press drive. The woman forgot to delete her initial messages. Plus the fact everytime she fell out with her DP, she'd be over FB saying I'll just let the cancer kill me. Everyone was saying you've so many children to think about who need a Mummy. She claimed to be having radiotherapy when our local hospital doesn't do it. My other 2 relatives had to travel, 1 a hundred miles away, another 30 miles away. But I'm sure it was one of them things where she got attention, so she got a reward for lying.

That's why I'm glad I got treated as I did when I was first ill, as I just want to get on with life, I don't want any fuss, if it wasn't for my children, I wouldn't be here now as being chronically ill is as bad as cancer. I know a PP will want to slap me, but I'm about a year late for my smear because I'm just to ill to go. My last one was fine.

I also had a friend who I accompanied to the hospital after she'd had a cone biopsy, he said it was CIN 2 or 3 and cancerous cells were found, she got a bit upset, the consultant was matter of fact with her, saying we got it all why be upset. But that word evokes a lot of emotion.

I'm retired from Children Services and I know how seriously cases of FII (fabricated induced illness) is taken. Any allegation of this sort is very carefully assessed and has to have several indicators before such a serious label is used.
Fortunately these cases are very rare indeed.
I think lying about ill health is more common in cases where the secondary payoff is something more tangible, like for money.
Certainly someone lying about cervical cancer would have to be so desperate for any attention at all so they would even accept negative attention. I say this because it was the only kind of attention it brought me.

But people do lie about having cancer. And it's because people do lie about it that someone would question whether a person with form for lying might in fact be lying about this.

Tara Palma Tomkinson lied about having had a brain tumour a year before she died. I know someone who lied about having cancer, would tell people she was going off to chemotherapy appointments, turned out she was just doing it for attention. The Oliver's army thread is a case in point.....

And while people continue to call those who dare question despicable individuals for even daring to question it, other people will continue to lie about it, because it's a taboo to even dare think that it might not be true, when actually, if someone has form, it might not be. Boy who cried wolf anyone?

The OP isn't unreasonable for having asked the question on MN. It's a valid discussion, maybe not about one individual but certainly in general. If she'd accused the woman to her face that would be one thing but she hadn't.

Not one person here has said it doesn't happen so I'm curious as to why there are so many comments defending this position?
However I think it's much less common than people suggest but on the odd occasion when it happens there is usually a lot of publicity surrounding it, which I would imagine to be a deterrent to all but the very 'sick' people who would welcome negative attention.
I agree, it has been a very useful discussion for me, having been in the unfortunate position to have been a victim of false allegations.
I'm beginning to realise that making false allegations is something more common than lying about being ill and the people doing it appear to have no understanding about the consequences for people who are suffering fear and alarm already.

In fact, I am beginning to realise that it's the people making the false allegations that are the ones seeking drama, not the other way around.

I'm beginning to see it now as psychological 'projection' ie
'I am desperate for attention so I will allege that is the motivation of others, even if there are no other indicators to support it and I will not look at any proof they provide because the psychological dissonance it would create in me would be too much to take'

I'm seeing things from a very different perspective now and it's making much more sense to me.

I have only know one person pretend to have cancer, and that was for financial gain. But I have known people who exaggerate. So the fatty lump that their GP tells them is nothing, becomes a cancer scare that they had to have tests for.

I also know that cancer can kill, I have lost people I loved to it, but that it can also be a relatively minor illness that is easily treated. And the awareness raising of charities pushes the more aggressive cancers, so that is what people think of when they hear the word cancer.

I totally agree brasty - it can be relatively minor provided it's caught early enough. That was certainly how it worked out for me.
I must admit that after 6y of laser treatment and cone biopsies, once it was diagnosed as cancer I did ask for a full hysterectomy because it seemed that the were flogging a dead horse by then.
It was a marvelous outcome when the surgery to remove most of my cervix was so effective.

What has upset you about what I said MrsD?

I'm baffled by the motivation of people who's default is to believe people are lying about something serious that has happened

A couple of things as you ask.

1. who has a 'default position'? In making that claim you are characterizing anyone with doubts as malicious and consistently cynical.
2. You make a claim that cervical cancer is particularly targeted for doubt. I can see no evidence of this on this thread or in real life.
3. You bring rape into the equation in a frankly bizarre way. If I were as cynical as you seem to think I would suspect that it was a deliberate attempt shut people up for fear of being seen as rape deniers.

You are clearly sensitive about this issue. If you have been through the trauma of diagnosis and treatment for cervical cancer I can understand why you feel defensive.

As a parent of a child who has died from cancer I am absolutely fed up of sick trolls knowing they can have pretty much free rein on MN because anyone challenging their story gets a total pasting.

You will know that it is incredibly difficult to intervene in suspected cases of I&FI. The reasons for this are complex. Its very rare and when it does occur its incredibly rare for there to be no health issues at all. Illness and disabilities tend to be exaggerated rather than totally made up. We are not likely to hear of the cases that do occur unless they go to trial.

When no child is involved there is no case for law unless money is involved. Money is, IME, rarely the primary motive for feigning or exaggerating illness

In this age of social media it is incredibly easy to invent illness. You can be whoever or whatever you want on line. That includes being sick.

I'm curious as to why there are so many comments defending this position?
I am curious (genuinely, not being snarky) why you maintain that so many people are defending this position.
The OP got her arse handed to her by the majority of posters. She also got educated and admitted she was wrong.

I can't see loads of people telling her she is right to be suspicious. Quite the opposite.

The default position is to believe that someone is ill unless there is absolute proof they are lying.

brasty I agree about the exaggerating and I think that is what the other poster was trying to describe.

For example: I had a 'scare' last year. I had to be checked out. It was fine.
Due to my pre existing PTSD I became very ill while I waited to be seen. Logic went out of the window. I was petrified.
As soon as I was seen and told I was fine, I was ok. It was over.
The fear I felt was real as it would be for anyone waiting to be checked.

The trouble arises when people do not admit to being in the clear. When they continue to treat the event as 'cancer' rather than 'I thought it might be a possibility but it wasn't so yay!'

As it happens I was too terrified to tell anyone at the time
But what if someone does, they suddenly become the centre of love and attention (perhaps this is a new experience for them) and they simply cannot let that go when they get the all clear?

Being showered with love and concern can be addictive. How tempting to keep it going. All the 'perks' without any of the pain.

There must be reason why so many trolls have pretended to have dead children.

Yes that is true. Some of the people I have read about online who have been exposed as pretending to have cancer, did start of having a cancer scare. Also some have had some other illness, but pretended it was cancer instead. Cancer can lead to greater levels of support from family and friends than some other illnesses.

My brother and his girlfriend lied about her having stage 4 breast cancer, they admitted the lie along with a miscarriage and stillborn lies. They are a pair of sick fucks

As somebody who has been through the process I can say that one of the worst periods was waiting for news or confirmation about how far the cancer has spread and so I can see how somebody may have "overreacted " ( can you over react to possibly having a terminal illness?) and then felt embarrassed and not wanted to say anything.

I was accused of making up shit whilst waiting for my cancer diagnosis. My family didn't give me vital information that the doctors needed because one member of the family questioned the process . She never had the grace to apologise or even ask of I was ok after surgery.