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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she lied about having cancer

175 replies

burgerandfries · 07/05/2017 00:30

Friend of a friend apparently diagnosed with cervical cancer 2 months ago. Underwent a few sessions of chemo over a few weeks and is now completely cured.

She still has all her hair and has seemingly been well all this time (see her on school run almost every day)

I've never directly known anyone suffering from cancer so I don't know if this is normal or not but it seems a bit Hmm to me. She is known for lying exaggerating quite often and relishes in attention.

Sorry if I'm being totally naive here but AIBU to think she made the whole thing up?

OP posts:
Instasista · 07/05/2017 09:54

You seem to know lots about my friend roundabouttown Hmm you know, the one I actually know.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 07/05/2017 09:55

Insta, you asked why people have suggested you don't have any empathy - its because almost all your posts on this thread have shown a startling lack of empathy! They aren't guessing, every time you say things like:
a friend tells people she's had cancer when they only thing that entailed was an abnormal smear and laser treatment,

You are dismissing as trivial a painful and scary treatment, because it often has a successful outcome.
I actually think we should stop challenging you about your attitude, because it seems to be completely beyond you to comprehend empathy, and that may not be your fault.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/05/2017 09:56

i get what you mean, but if she had, she would have been badgered as to why she needed to know

Possibly but she doesn't have to answer and some of the responses would be useful (I also agree with coconuts response)

Or should could have answered 'because I know someone going through this and I'm not sure what to expect or how to support them' as she is supposedly a friend or FOAF. Its very difficult to read that first post as anything other than wanting confirmation that the 'friend' is lying.

IncapabilityBrown · 07/05/2017 09:59

I am currently being treated for breast cancer - an already large tumour, growing fast and aggressively. I've just finished a pretty hardcore series of chemo followed by two operations and i'm mid radiotherapy. It was so aggressive that I had my first chemo 14 hours after my diagnosis and the combination of chemo drugs I was prescribed is well known for producing harsh side effects.

So if anyone should look like they have cancer it would be me. I did lose my hair but otherwise you'd never know. I was one of the lucky few whose side effects were at the milder end of the scale. I took a couple of days off after each chemo, one day off after my first operation and three days off after my second. I have continued to push through and work full time, look after my 6 year old and also study for an MA. I also put on 2 stone (thanks steroids!). And yes, i've also heard of at least one school gate parent saying I couldn't have cancer and that i've obviously been shaving my head. And it fucking hurts, especially given the high reoccurence rate of my type of cancer so i'll probably have to do it all over again within a few years 😓

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 07/05/2017 09:59

What an odd thread, I don't know how to respond to it in some ways, because a close relative of mine has cancer and looks relatively normal, but I never saw that as a weird thing, now I know some people do and are looking for cancer 'signs'. Very strange.

While you are learning about cancer, it's also the case that many people with cancer choose not to have chemo, that's their choice given their odds, and so they also wouldn't necessarily look 'different' until well into the late stages of their illness.

roundaboutthetown · 07/05/2017 10:02

Instasista - are you her doctor, or just the bitch who thinks she knows everything about her diagnosis and treatment?...

snapcrap · 07/05/2017 10:06

I've reported this thread.

The title alone is so upsetting.

Why in name of GOD would you post this? And in AIBU?

YNK · 07/05/2017 10:06

Dash and Insta are great examples of the know-it-all, nasty, callous side of what people suffer alongside cancer.
I don't know why they believe cancer sufferers 'get all the attention' when all we actually get is negative attention from people like them trivialising cancer sufferers.
I had 6y of lazer treatment for abnormal cells and most of my cervix removed (not keyhole) when it progressed to cancer. My consultant was quite clear and open with me about what was happening.
Is it really that hard to believe?
I would love to know what motivates people to be so cruel. Is it jealousy of the sympathy they (wrongly) imagine we get, or is it some pathological terror that these things happen so they go into a denial? I would really love to know what makes them tick.

tigerdriverII · 07/05/2017 10:10

What TheFirstMrsDV said.

I've come across several people who have either lied about their illness or more commonly about their relatives'. It can't happen that much - I hope! - but it does happen.

Someone asked how do you know about the lying. It's usually where out of concern for the individual, who is either taking time out of work or behaving oddly at work, someone from their HR team rings them at home only to find the allegedly dead or dying relative answering the phone. I'm an employment lawyer and have advised on this sort of thing more often than you might think. I also worked with someone who was a compulsive liar, you did though used to think that whatever she'd done in the past perhaps this time it was true (it never was).

Your friend, the gossipy one, is being pretty nasty if he doesn't think she looks ill enough, for all the reasons given above. But it might of course be a lie : surely though you'd give the benefit of the doubt?

finx14 · 07/05/2017 10:15

My mum had a chronic lung condition and other then being a little on the thin side didn't not looked ill right up until the day she died. She used to get dirty looks from people when sitting in her wheelchair as she struggled to walk any distance. She died at 55. People should mind their own business in my opinion! Angry

MadMags · 07/05/2017 10:15

I'm about to have surgery for removal of low grade tumours.

I have hair and everything! I feel rather sick at the idea that someone would think I was making it up.

Instasista · 07/05/2017 10:24

I think a lot of posters responding to me are being overly dramatic. It's just an example of people who say they have cancer, and what they might mean.

The empathy thing is just bizarre- this was 20 years ago. Rather a lot has happened since then Hmm

Instasista · 07/05/2017 10:25

YNK FFs she didn't have cancer 😭 I don't know how many other ways I can say it. Get over yourself

CricketRuntAndRashers · 07/05/2017 10:31

It's none of your business!!

It's not like you are helping her out a lot or anything.

This is nothing but nasty gossips. I honestly don't understand it!

My mother has severe back issues (due to physical trauma as a child). She always walks straight and puts on a strong face, even when they pain is nearly killing her...

Many people (her own mother included) therefore think she's faking it. She isn't.

I can't stand people like you.

Yes, you're saying it's "just your friend" saying this. But it's none of your business.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 07/05/2017 10:31

I have cancer and have been accused of lying by my sister. I will never speak to her again. I am not sure that even after surgery she is convinced. Most of the time I haven't looked ill, in fact for some of the time I have looked better than I have for a long time as I had no work stress and was eating and exercising. I haven't really lost weight and I get out with my little boy most days. I haven't had chemo and hopefully have been cured by surgery. However because of my sister I had to cope during a very difficult time with very little support.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 07/05/2017 10:31

Support from family that is, the support from friends was amazing

YNK · 07/05/2017 10:33

I did have cancer, my consultant was very clear about it when it progressed from abnormal cells (which had been regularly lazered for 6 years) and discussed the treatment options with me.
I was very lucky that the surgery which removed most of my cervix was successful and I didn't need either chemo or radiotherapy.

But of course people like you would often tell me their knowledge of my body was far superior to my consultant and trivialise and dismiss what I was going through.

It's really unpleasant and I would love to know what motivates people like you to be so cruel?

Instasista · 07/05/2017 10:35

Are you talking about me?

"But of course people like you would often tell me their knowledge of my body was far superior to my consultant and trivialise and dismiss what I was going through."

Why would I do this? I don't even know you. Why are you trying to make it about you? Hmm

roundaboutthetown · 07/05/2017 10:51

Instasista - you gave "an example of people who say they have cancer." How can you not see that this is not limited to your knowledge of your friend, but is being used by you to interpret what any human being might possibly mean when they inform the world they have cancer? In the case of the OP, in any event, she said that the person concerned had said she was having chemotherapy, so your example is irrelevant anyway in that regard. Unless you wish to suggest that she is actually just taking paracetamol because her LLETZ treatment hurt, but is telling people it is chemotherapy?!...

Peanutbutterrules · 07/05/2017 10:53

My mother had breast cancer 5 times. The first 4 times whatever the treatment was (she never talked about it) she kept her hair.

Only the last time did she lose it all...and her life.

You are in no position to judge.

SemiNormal · 07/05/2017 10:55

YNK - FWIW I'm glad you're okay now, I can well imagine it was a very distressing and traumatic (yes, traumatic, sorry if you don't believe that that could be possible Instasista) time for you.

Flowers for all of you that have had to fight this horrible illness. I'm extremely shocked at the level of contempt some of you have had to face alongside your illness. If it hadn't been for this thread I'd have not been aware of this, seemingly common, phenomenon.

YNK · 07/05/2017 10:58

Yes, I'm talking to you ista and I can, because this was a long time ago for me, and now I'm more emotionally resilient about it I would love to know what motivates people to trivialise conditions they know nothing about.
Not only did they know nothing about it, I found they were totally resistant to any attempt to increase their knowledge and understanding, almost as if it was an entrenched sort prejudice. I did attempt to show them proof but they refused to look.
I wasn't trying to get out of work either as I only took the time for clinic appointments and surgery, and caught up on any missed work anyway.
I was very badly hurt by this at the time and it has left me curious about the psychology that causes this denial.
So please tell me what makes people do this?

gamerwidow · 07/05/2017 10:58

The one very postive thing to come out of this nasty thread will be that hopefully it dispels some myths and no one has to be judged not to be ill enough again just because they're not fulfilling other people expectations of our an ill person acts.

DreamilyLookingOutOfTheWindow · 07/05/2017 11:01

This thread is really fucking sad.

OP I wish I wasn't even the same species as you

DreamilyLookingOutOfTheWindow · 07/05/2017 11:01

Very true Gamer.

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