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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she lied about having cancer

175 replies

burgerandfries · 07/05/2017 00:30

Friend of a friend apparently diagnosed with cervical cancer 2 months ago. Underwent a few sessions of chemo over a few weeks and is now completely cured.

She still has all her hair and has seemingly been well all this time (see her on school run almost every day)

I've never directly known anyone suffering from cancer so I don't know if this is normal or not but it seems a bit to me. She is known for lying exaggerating quite often and relishes in attention.

Sorry if I'm being totally naive here but AIBU to think she made the whole thing up?

OP posts:

ButterflyFree · 07/05/2017 08:19

I had people at work gossiping and speculating that I didn't really have thyroid cancer because I 'didn't look sick enough', despite HR having the full medical reports, and returning to work with a nice big surgical scar across my neck.

People also questioned the validity of my illness because I didn't have to undergo any radioactive or chemotherapy after the surgery - in fact chemo is not used as a treatment for thyroid cancer, and radioactive iodine is only necessary in some cases. But many people still assume cancer = chemo = hair loss.

To know that people around you are doubting your situation (even if they seem supportive to your face) at such a traumatic time is really hurtful. Nobody should feel they have to justify what they're going through to satisfy the gossiping masses who expect to see a certain level of 'sickness' in order for it to be true.

roundaboutthetown · 07/05/2017 08:19

Instasista - that is basically the treatment for carcinoma in situ as well as pre-cancerous cells. So she could, technically, have had cancer stage 0 (ie cancerous cells that had not spread beyond the cervix).

tomatopuree · 07/05/2017 08:20

A friend of mine says she's had cancer when she's actually had abnormal cells lazered following a smear.* *

I have had cells removed by laser. A consultant told me they were cancerous cells. A third consultant referred to them recently as squamous cells. I have been on yearly smears for a while now. Previously I was 6 monthly smears for a couple of years.

My consultant refers to it as cervical cancer. Hope your friend is ok despite your lack of empathy.

Having your cervix lasered is horrifically painful. My body went into deep tremors which I was told was shock.

I'm really hoping you're not my friend. If you are I'd be ditching you.

AmaDablam · 07/05/2017 08:24

My sister is undergoing treatment for a different type of cancer. She hasn't lost her hair and other than time off for appointments, has managed to continue working. Thankfully she's responded really well to treatment and within 3 weeks I guess you could say she was "cured" (though it's not really that simple as she's still on daily medication and may be for the rest of her life). She's been really private about it so I doubt many outside immediate family and very close friends know, but it really upsets me to think that people might be questioning her integrity, and those in similar circumstances, because they don't seem ill enough or fit the commonly held stereotype of a cancer patient.

Yes people do make things up (when I was at uni, one of my fellow students claimed that her partner was in intensive care following a serious car accident, which turned out to be completely fabricated) however, lies of this magnitude are pretty rare. Cancer does not discriminate and there are no rules to say that people who have form for being a bit attention seeking cannot get it. So please give this lady the benefit of the doubt and encourage your mutual friend to do the same, and at the very least get your facts straight before you begin questioning her.

t3rr3gl35 · 07/05/2017 08:29

This is a truly horrible thread. I had conservative surgery to remove a little bit of breast cancer (DCIS), clear margins, no chemo or radio required after. I appreciate how lucky I am as it really & truly wasn't a big deal in any way apart from the emotion involved at the time. What made it a big deal was the work colleagues whispering behind my back that if it was breast cancer, I would have had the full mastectomy and chemo and I must have been lying. I didn't tell anybody at work, they were informed in a "caring" way by another manager who was "surprised and worried" at how well I was coping with such a horrible illness. Bastards...and we work in the NHS!

Ktown · 07/05/2017 08:29

I know several people who have had cancer and have worked through much of the treatment. Many full time.
I see people off work more with tummy bugs which I suppose is normal, given the symptoms.

Instasista · 07/05/2017 08:30

Of course she's ok. It's very common. She's the only person I know who refers to herself as having cancer following it though.

SemiNormal · 07/05/2017 08:35

Of course she's ok. It's very common. She's the only person I know who refers to herself as having cancer following it though Since when does something being common mean that 'of course a person will be okay? Cancer is extremely common, sadly not everyone is okay. You almost sound annoyed that she's had cervical cancer - and does it really matter to you what she calls it?

wannabestressfree · 07/05/2017 08:36

As someone who is undergoing treatment for a huge tumour and having surgery on two morning I find this really unpleasant. I work generally (I find it keeps me going) and I am fat (through huge doses of steroids) so what....

Everyone's an expert aren't they?

Instasista · 07/05/2017 08:36

She's had abnormal cells lazered. I don't know why you're getting worked up about it.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 07/05/2017 08:39

Insta, what's your point? Why does it matter to you that she tells people something that's actually true? Are you jealous that people sympathise? Do you feel she didn't suffer enough on some scale you've devised?
Why on earth would you want to complain that someone didn't have cancer, when it has nothing to do with you, and it appears they did?

tomatopuree · 07/05/2017 08:40

She's had abnormal cells lazered. I don't know why you're getting worked up about it.

What an absolutely lovely human being you are. Have a . In fact fuck it. Have the whole fucking biscuit tin.

Instasista · 07/05/2017 08:43

It doesn't matter to me at all. This is in reference to the OP whose acquaintance has told people she has cervical cancer but Op doesn't believe her due to her lack of illness. I pointed out a friend tells people she's had cancer when they only thing that entailed was an abnormal smear and laser treatment, so maybe OPs friend is of a similar mindset

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 07/05/2017 08:44

Yes YABU.

Not everyone loses their hair with chemo. My Dad had 3 months of chemo and radiotherapy (pancreatic cancer) and died with a full head of hair, and he was put onto anti-sickness meds to control the sickness. I've got pics of him mere weeks before he passed away smiling and looking really, really well.

Not looking like they're desperately ill doesn't necessarily mean they don't have cancer.

GoldHeart · 07/05/2017 08:45

I know someone who is having ongoing chemo, she has lost her hair but has an amazing wig, you wouldn't know.

She works, although that has been a slow and difficult build up (she's been having treatment for a couple of years) and she has steroids too, which can pile the weight on.

On the outside she looks fine, you wouldn't be able to tell the battle she's having. Her positivity is what's keeping her going, through the toughest times she's had to remain positive. You have to don't you.

Never judge a book.

SemiNormal · 07/05/2017 08:48

I pointed out a friend tells people she's had cancer when they only thing that entailed was an abnormal smear and laser treatment, so maybe OPs friend is of a similar mindset - You pointed out in a sneery manner. You minimise the effect on her by stating she only had laser treatment, the emotional impact of that treatment and the fear of treatment not working or having it come back must be fucking awful. I know someone who has had the same treatment and I know how sick and frightened they felt.

Swantail · 07/05/2017 08:49

I know someone who has lied about cancer. They told me they had had great news and now only needed yearly scans. They then told someone else that same evening that they had been told they only had 2 months to live. I did have a fleeting moment of wondering if the whole cancer diagnosis was made up. I don't believe that's the case but this has put a niggling doubt at the back of my mind.
He is a very unstable person and this has certainly brought to light their lack of self esteem as he would seemingly do anything for attention. I continue to try to support them as a friend but it's difficult when you know someone will tell such a nasty lie.

Shockers · 07/05/2017 08:53

for all of those on the thread who are, or have suffered cancer.

Sadly I do know of someone who tries to give the impression she has cancer. She shaves her head and uses a wheelchair in public, which she doesn't actually need. Whilst this must be incredibly distressing for actual cancer patients, there is clearly a MH issue at the root of her behaviour.

Instasista · 07/05/2017 08:53

Really? Sick and frightened? I know loads of people who have had the same treatment. Never known anyone to be particularly concerned about it. There is quite a high incidence of abnormal smears. Are you thinking of something else?

ElsieMc · 07/05/2017 08:54

A friend was diagnosed with breast cancer and a double mastectomy was undertaken within weeks. It was a terrible shock to her and she had treatment afterwards. However, she did not lose her hair. I visited her in hospital and, as a single parent, her fears for her son caused her untold stress.

A work colleague seemed jealous of the attention she received and, as manager, insisted that when she went for her hospital appointments she had to miss her lunch to make the time up. I can only think this must be the reason because who on earth would act like this.

Having said that, a mother at the primary school our gs's attend made a false claim. Only a few knew the truth and the issue was very much kept quiet to protect her children.

Does it really matter to you, op. The school will have been kept informed and the priority is the children.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/05/2017 08:55

She might have called it chemo when it was radiotherapy. It's easy to confuse medical terms or think chemotherapy is a blank term for all cancer treatments.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/05/2017 08:56

t3rr3gl35 That's terrible, I'm sorry you went through that and were treated that way.

I don't like this thread either.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/05/2017 08:59

There is quite a high incidence of abnormal smears. Are you thinking of something else?

High incidence of abnormal smears != high incidence of laser removal. For many women that laser treatment is frighting and painful, never mind the anxiety around the cancerous cells themselves.

Was your empathy bypass painful or were you born that way?

Instasista · 07/05/2017 09:00

What a strange thing to say. You have no idea whether I have empathy or not. Lots of drama queens on this thread

frieda909 · 07/05/2017 09:01

A colleague of mine had cancer and was treated with chemo a few years ago and it was nothing like what I 'expected' it to be. She never 'looked' sick and stayed remarkably chirpy the whole time. Some of her chemo was in the form of a pill she could take, so she wasn't spending hours every week in the hospital. And she didn't lose any hair at all.

Because I was closer to her than other people at the office I knew a lot more detail about what she was going through, but some of my other colleagues were definitely quite confused about the whole thing, although it was more out of concern rather than gossip. People were worried she was soldiering on, socialising when she shouldn't have been, things like that.

I know it's been said enough but this is a really nasty thread. You want someone with cancer to fit into your idea with what they 'should' look or act like, and if someone looks too chirpy then they don't deserve your sympathy. It's like you feel cheated because she didn't look sick enough for your liking. It's horrible

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